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  • #16
    I think it would be good to have boundaries about coming into your room in the morning. I know I wouldn't like it if my mother-in-law barged into our room in the morning, sat on our bed when we were still lying there, and started a long chat. Poor boundaries if you ask me. Just lock the door, and when she knocks on the door in the morning, have your boyfriend tell her to leave the tea in the kitchen, and you will both be down in a bit after you've showered. Problem solved. Then make an effort to spend time with them in the way they normally interact. You can manage it for a week or two. Maybe you'll be bored, but so what? You'll have made your boyfriend and his family happy, and you will have learned how to get along with them.

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    • #17
      He seems like a nice guy, Lulu. If you find his family a little odd, welcome to the real world. There are odd people everywhere and every family has some strange or foreign habits or behaviours. I don't feel you are stuck up but you do come across as overly sheltered. Maybe you want to be witty but it can be misunderstood in an online context. All I'm reading is thinly veiled resentment for your boyfriend even though you love him. Normally these kinds of thoughts are not healthy. I hope you take my advice in the previous thread and really re-evaluate whether you both are compatible at all. I don't feel the issue is with his family. It's with your boyfriend in general and his origins/nature.

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      • #18
        Eating same time together, then watching tv, now that's really weird.

        Seriously, I never enjoyed going to my in-laws, made me feel like you that I can't be myself and do things I'd like to do. You'll never like it, so it's up to bf to take you out for a walk or whatever.
        Last edited by JohnSG77; January 18th, 2019, 02:17 PM.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Lulub879 View Post
          Im sorry foe being rude, but its the only language you, Dazed, seem to understand.
          I was just giving my opinions and advice. You are the one who can't handle it and decided to insult me in response.
          I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

          Comment


          • #20
            I do agree with Mary that someone bursting into a couple's bedroom in the morning is inappropriate. If there's any place that should be private, it's the bedroom.

            Your husband NEEDS to talk to his mother nicely and tell her that it makes the both of you feel uncomfortable. If he won't drop her that hint, he's a pussy.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #21
              Originally posted by Lulub879 View Post
              My bf's family has some very odd habits and i don't enjoy visiting them because of it and i don't know how to tell my bf or what to do. They live about 6 hr drive away from us, so going there usually means several day trip.

              His mom comes into our room in the morning and brings tea and sometimes sits on the bed and chats with us. I find it really creepy. She knocks first, but i cant exactly say don't come in. She's nice, but its just weird and he's never relaxed when he's there because he's stressed trying to please her and me (i guess) at the same time.

              The family have an odd routine than revolves around eating the same food at the same times then sitting in tiny living room together and watching tv on a tiny screen. I never watch tv and grew up in a cosmopolitan way with a variety of food and am far more used philosophical discussions about literature or current events than tv. I'm used to do excercise and moving around. They mostly sit.

              My bf says he doesnt like their habits either but just gives in to spend time with them and because it would upset his mom and his sister if we were there and didn't spend time. I've told him how i feel about it and said in the future, i can do maximum a day of tv and creepy morning with mom. (i said it nicely). He understood about the tv but got defensive about his moms morning thing. He said that he feels very torn to spend time with me and with them. He promised me that our next visit, we'd do more of our own stuff, but im afraid that he'll just cave into his moms and his sisters wants to spend more time with them (even though they never visit him themselves) .

              Advice?
              Good grief! Please, just dump the poor guy so he can find someone who is more like him... which is down to earth. I'm sorry but you're coming across as not being able to see past the nose you have stuck in the air. Find someone more "cosmopolitan" and leave this guy alone. Six months is enough time for you to realize that you're not going to be able to make this last for the long haul and he deserves to be with someone who doesn't stress him out when he visits his parents.

              You are two peas that come from different pods.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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              • #22
                dazed and confused have you nit gone for the walk yet? No ones listening or cares about what you have to say on this thread. You don't seem to understand more polite ways of expressing that.
                Last edited by Lulub879; January 18th, 2019, 08:50 PM.

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                • #23
                  Mary, John, Sarah. Agreed thanks for the input. Its about boundaries and finding a happy middle. Thanks for the support and input

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Lulub879 View Post
                    dazed and confused maybe try reading a book or getting some excercise instead? Will probably be a first, but i promise, its not so difficult :-)
                    I think Dazed hit a nerve and has held a mirror up to you and now that you can see yourself, you're on the defensive. You have made three very negative threads about a guy and his family.

                    Just how long have the two of you been dating. Sorry if you mentioned it in one of your threads, I can't remember six months comes to mind but that might be someone else. I've forgotten after reading how negative you are about who you're suppose to be in love with.

                    Why don't you just leave him and find someone more like yourself (then he can too).
                    Last edited by phasesofthemoon; January 18th, 2019, 09:45 PM.
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Lulub879 Whether it's a relationship or marriage, a SO (significant other) is a package deal such as that old saying "you marry him, you marry his family;" same thing with bf-gf relationships.

                      However, even in dicey, difficult or awkward situations, there is always a work around for you such as letting your bf's mother know through your actions and words, what is permissible and what is not permissible to you such as barging into your room first thing in the morning and the like.

                      I'm sorry about the same food though. I've had to push food around my plate with a fork if I didn't wish to eat it or I volunteer to shop and cook to add variety to the meal. Or, just consider these inconveniences and non-preferences as temporary.

                      Since they sit around a lot, do your own thing after dinner whether it's taking an evening walk with your bf, go to your room to read, rest or other partake in other diversions away from tv watching. Or, suggest card or board games. There are other games which do not require buying games either. Do something fun.

                      In other instances, you are not required to spend every waking hour with your bf's family.

                      It's to your advantage that they do not reside locally! Also, you don't have to join your bf for every trip to see his family. Those can be your new enforced healthy boundaries. I don't accompany my husband every single time he wishes to spend time with his family. He has my blessing to go and tell me all about it when he gets back! I wish him safe travels and kick my heels as I enjoy "me time" on my own timeline! You ought to try it!

                      Every family tree has weirdness and quirks but you can minimize contact with them if they're not your cup of tea. I do it all the time and there is nothing wrong with this. This has nothing to do with having a spoiled, ungrateful attitude either. No one should force themselves to be in an atmosphere that is disrespectful, uncomfortable, awkward or all three. You don't have to endure and tolerate it. I too have drawn the line for many years. No harm no foul.

                      The main goal is to remain polite and peaceful while keeping in mind, it's only temporary. It will be all over soon and before you know it, you'll revert to your daily lives and routine once more.

                      Also, I've since known a lot worse. Some extended family members can be either borderline criminal or habitually do or say something highly inappropriate to the point of causing estrangement. You're lucky that weirdness is all there is. It could be a heck of a lot worse! Some extended family members have psychological or serious mental disorders for which there is no cure. It runs the gamut. I stay away from weirdos, too; you're not the only one.

                      Having said that though, I'll take weirdness over scary types any day. If a weird person or family is just plain weird but generally and overall very decent, honorable, moral people, you have to often times look past people who are different and appreciate them for their commendable qualities such as their sincerity and integrity.

                      What's worse are normal-looking people who are tricky, sneaky and slick - - deceitful types or wolves in sheep's clothing. Those are the types of people who are far worse than weird. They're sick and will make your life a pure living hell unless you avoid them like the plague. (Estrangement)

                      Remind yourself that these interactions are only temporary and you will not see them for the majority of the year.
                      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Lulub879 View Post
                        dazed and confused have you nit gone for the walk yet? No ones listening or cares about what you have to say on this thread. You don't seem to understand more polite ways of expressing that.

                        Thank you Phases, I think you're exactly right that I hit a nerve and didn't give her a pat on the back and the attention which she is looking for. I gave my honest opinion nothing more, but she couldn't handle the slight negativity.

                        ​​​​​​OP, why are you being so nasty to me? I've been on this forum ALLOT longer than you and I have helped alot of people so how dare you say no one cares and tell me what to do. You have been here five minutes and think you own it. You think you are so superior to anyone else. You get one slightly negative response and you go on the defensive, insulting me at every turn. What does this say about you as a person?
                        Last edited by Dazed & Confused; January 19th, 2019, 06:17 AM.
                        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Wow!

                          Lulu you are not the right girl for your bf.
                          His family are lovely for welcoming you despite that.
                          And then you bitch about them?

                          When did it ever become weird for a family to eat meals together ? And yes eating the same food?
                          Thats actually very normal. And lovely!

                          His mum knocks on the bedroom door. And does not come in without invite . And thatís a problem? Remember you are in her home. And still she respects your privacy.

                          I agree with Dazed and Phases.

                          You dont have to watch their ďtinyĒ TV.
                          What size is your TV that you donít watch?

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                          • #28
                            Every family are some weird, its life

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post


                              Thank you Phases, I think you're exactly right that I hit a nerve and didn't give her a pat on the back and the attention which she is looking for. I gave my honest opinion nothing more, but she couldn't handle the slight negativity.

                              ​​​​​​OP, why are you being so nasty to me? I've been on this forum ALLOT longer than you and I have helped alot of people so how dare you say no one cares and tell me what to do. You have been here five minutes and think you own it. You think you are so superior to anyone else. You get one slightly negative response and you go on the defensive, insulting me at every turn. What does this say about you as a person?
                              Nor really hit a nerve, i don't take your views seriously. Not particularly interested in how long you've been on here, or anywhere else for that matter. If I understand correctly, anyone can post on this forum, so your tenure is down to your own efforts in posting things on here, rather than anyone actually finding your insight valuable. i find it funny that you can dish negativity and insults and act very high and mighty, but you can't seem to take them. And the moment someone fires back "their views" of you, suddenly, there are all sorts of things wrong with that person. Maybe I'm just sharing my opinion of your views, like you shared yours :-). Maybe there's something in there about you "as a person" ;-p Toodles for now, have a nice day :-0
                              Last edited by Lulub879; January 22nd, 2019, 08:38 PM.

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                                Lulub879 Whether it's a relationship or marriage, a SO (significant other) is a package deal such as that old saying "you marry him, you marry his family;" same thing with bf-gf relationships.

                                However, even in dicey, difficult or awkward situations, there is always a work around for you such as letting your bf's mother know through your actions and words, what is permissible and what is not permissible to you such as barging into your room first thing in the morning and the like.

                                I'm sorry about the same food though. I've had to push food around my plate with a fork if I didn't wish to eat it or I volunteer to shop and cook to add variety to the meal. Or, just consider these inconveniences and non-preferences as temporary.

                                Since they sit around a lot, do your own thing after dinner whether it's taking an evening walk with your bf, go to your room to read, rest or other partake in other diversions away from tv watching. Or, suggest card or board games. There are other games which do not require buying games either. Do something fun.

                                In other instances, you are not required to spend every waking hour with your bf's family.

                                It's to your advantage that they do not reside locally! Also, you don't have to join your bf for every trip to see his family. Those can be your new enforced healthy boundaries. I don't accompany my husband every single time he wishes to spend time with his family. He has my blessing to go and tell me all about it when he gets back! I wish him safe travels and kick my heels as I enjoy "me time" on my own timeline! You ought to try it!

                                Every family tree has weirdness and quirks but you can minimize contact with them if they're not your cup of tea. I do it all the time and there is nothing wrong with this. This has nothing to do with having a spoiled, ungrateful attitude either. No one should force themselves to be in an atmosphere that is disrespectful, uncomfortable, awkward or all three. You don't have to endure and tolerate it. I too have drawn the line for many years. No harm no foul.

                                The main goal is to remain polite and peaceful while keeping in mind, it's only temporary. It will be all over soon and before you know it, you'll revert to your daily lives and routine once more.

                                Also, I've since known a lot worse. Some extended family members can be either borderline criminal or habitually do or say something highly inappropriate to the point of causing estrangement. You're lucky that weirdness is all there is. It could be a heck of a lot worse! Some extended family members have psychological or serious mental disorders for which there is no cure. It runs the gamut. I stay away from weirdos, too; you're not the only one.

                                Having said that though, I'll take weirdness over scary types any day. If a weird person or family is just plain weird but generally and overall very decent, honorable, moral people, you have to often times look past people who are different and appreciate them for their commendable qualities such as their sincerity and integrity.

                                What's worse are normal-looking people who are tricky, sneaky and slick - - deceitful types or wolves in sheep's clothing. Those are the types of people who are far worse than weird. They're sick and will make your life a pure living hell unless you avoid them like the plague. (Estrangement)

                                Remind yourself that these interactions are only temporary and you will not see them for the majority of the year.
                                words of wisdom :-) thank you.

                                Definitely agreed that there is far worse and I prefer this to the seemingly "normal" but sneaky. And they're not bad at all. I'm just trying to find a way to have a positive, and if possible, authentic relationship with them. The things is that I'm from a very different world and am trying to work with theirs when I'm there to the best of my ability. Their jaws dropped when I said that I've never grown my own vegetables, that I actually enjoy living in a city, etc. And I haven't even mentioned the fact that I don't watch TV.

                                Agree about polite and peaceful as well. Hopefully, in time something authentic will grow there. And at the very least, hopefully a way to make the visits more enjoyable. Definitely agree about not needing to go there with him all the time. Just sometimes. I do care about them and I would like to see them from time to time and have a bit of a relationship with them. Of course to also support my BF in this and to share in his life.

                                UPDATE: BF and I spoke about this again and he acknowledged that the time there is awkward for him as well. He admitted that he has tried to get them to branch out a bit and do other things, to little avail. He seems to understand that it's tricky for someone who generally doesn't follow their routine to work with it for any reasonable period of time. He said that for the next visit, he wants us to have more of our own routine and spend time with them for specific activities. He also said that it would probably be better to stay at our own place not too far from them. He said that he also finds it uncomfortable to stay in the room where someone could walk in whenever and always has one eye on the door when anything private is happening.
                                Last edited by Lulub879; January 22nd, 2019, 09:19 PM.

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