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My mother is cutting me off from my siblings.

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  • My mother is cutting me off from my siblings.

    My mother and I have always had problems. I've always tried to please her my entire life and I've been the one to make efforts in resolving our conflicts. I'm 25 now and finally realizing how toxic my childhood was and I'm learning how to love myself.

    She has cut me off from the family many times before and I've been naive enough to keep in contact with her and not set better boundaries on how she treats me. She's sick with an undiagnosed mental illness which I believe to be borderline personality disorder.
    It's always the same situation where she says such hurtful things then after some time has passed she acts like nothing happened.

    In this case, my oldest brother (who came out as gay about two years ago and was disowned by my parents) was being mocked by my mother over email and she dragged me into the argument and harassed me over texts and calls and told me that if I support his sexual orientation that she doesnt want anything to do with me.

    I told her I support my brother because he is my brother and she told me that I can't speak to my three younger siblings and that the family is better off without me. Two of my younger siblings are over 18 but still live under her roof.

    My question is, how can I go about stopping this? Can she take my siblings away? They're the only family I have and have always had (no other relatives, only distant who are strangers).

    This has caused me a lot of pain but I feel liberated this time because I won't make the mistake of letting my empathy get in the way. I don't want to ever speak to her again.

  • #2
    Leahlie I'm sorry you're going through this Leahlie.

    Would it be possible to be estranged from your mother while maintaining relationships with your siblings only without involving your mother? Would it be possible to have direct contact with your siblings, see them at another location other than your mother's house and maintain sibling relationships that way? Work around your mother. You and your siblings can have a relationship without your mother. Bypass your mother, contact your siblings and meet them either at a public place or your place without your mother in the mutual relationship. Try that.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      Hi chanelle thank you so much for your response.

      My mother unfortunately drags everyone into every problem she has. She has already told her story of what happened to my siblings and they are going through hell with her because they're under lock and key.

      I have tried this before, but my mother calls them many times when they're out to see who they're with and what they're doing. Nobody is allowed to go anywhere until my mother knows exactly what they're doing.

      I can still message them, too, but they have to be wary to delete all of my conversations as she will go through their phones. She makes it very difficult for me to maintain a relationship with my family. This hurts a lot because it's my family too and I'm treated like a dangerous stranger.

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      • #4
        Leah, this is a hellish situation. Where is your father? Is he involved in all this?

        What about having your siblings come to live with you, since you are independent? How do they feel about your mother?

        Does your mother work? How does she support the household?
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          SarahLancaster Thank you for your comment.

          Unfortunately, my father has the same prejudice views. He is much less complicated than my mother, who changes her personality and tone to make you believe that you can trust her, then uses it against you. My father and I have never been close, in fact, we have always butted heads as I was always the daughter to fight back and attempt to stand up for myself,which he never liked. I've always been the big-mouth, the rebel, the b*tch in his eyes. He has always emotionally and verbally abused me my entire childhood. I don't think I've ever had a meaningful conversation with him once.

          All of my siblings agree that my mother is sick. My mother does not work. She never has. My father has always done that, where my mother raised us.

          I am currently living with my boyfriend as I've found solace in spending time with him and his family, who have given me a breath of fresh air and treat me like their own.

          If the situation arose where I could move in with my siblings, hell would break loose. She would never allow it and I don't want my younger siblings (especially my youngest brother) to have to experience all the pain that myself and my older brother have.
          Last edited by Leahlie; December 1st, 2018, 04:14 PM.

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          • #6
            Leahlie I'm sorry you're going through this. Your mother sounds very manipulative indeed.

            It sounds like your siblings are much younger than you are so they don't have independence yet. Try not to give up hope. I know you want a relationship with your siblings now but as long as they're under your parents' roof, they're being controlled for now.

            For now, gravitate towards your boyfriend and his family since they seem to be normal, stable and loving which are the type of people you should surround yourself with because they're a mentally healthy influence on you.

            You may need to take a temporary break from trying so hard to have exclusive relationships with your siblings and wait until they have more independence so they can see you, have regular electronic contact with you and have relationships with you without your mother interference.

            Perhaps for now continue messaging them, have them delete your messages (or texts / emails) and maintain your ties with them this way while keeping in mind, this situation won't last forever. Hang in there. Times will get better for you, Leahlie.

            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Leahlie View Post
              SarahLancaster Thank you for your comment.

              Unfortunately, my father has the same prejudice views. He is much less complicated than my mother, who changes her personality and tone to make you believe that you can trust her, then uses it against you. My father and I have never been close, in fact, we have always butted heads as I was always the daughter to fight back and attempt to stand up for myself,which he never liked. I've always been the big-mouth, the rebel, the b*tch in his eyes. He has always emotionally and verbally abused me my entire childhood. I don't think I've ever had a meaningful conversation with him once.

              All of my siblings agree that my mother is sick. My mother does not work. She never has. My father has always done that, where my mother raised us.

              I am currently living with my boyfriend as I've found solace in spending time with him and his family, who have given me a breath of fresh air and treat me like their own.

              If the situation arose where I could move in with my siblings, hell would break loose. She would never allow it and I don't want my younger siblings (especially my youngest brother) to have to experience all the pain that myself and my older brother have.
              I think your only recourse right now is to just wait. If you feel that your siblings are being abused in any way, you could always call Child Protective Services.
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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              • #8
                chanelle SarahLancaster I truly appreciate your responses. I agree with waiting. I can try contacting them in secret as I believe they need some kind of guardian figure to help them so they don't fall into the same ignorant mindset as my mother

                ​​​​​​ Although it's unhealthy to view the future this way, I'm afraid my mother will be in my subconscious even after cutting her off, even after death. I'm terrified of the guilt I may face when she passes away because I feel like I could have helped her. How can I divorce my mother without feeling intense guilt? Of the times that I've tried to cut her out before, she has always returned because I feel pity and guilt for her.
                ​​​​​​
                This time around I've blocked her and I'm hoping because I'm stronger now ill be able to do it easier this time around.

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                • #9
                  If she's as terrible as you claim she is, there's nothing much you can do. You tried, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You can't make an adult change her ways. Do the best you can and stop feeling responsible for her behavior.
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                  • #10
                    Leahlie You're welcome. I appreciated your kind words, too. For now, there's nothing else you can do except continue waiting. Contacting your siblings in secrecy works and at least you have regular contact and correspondence with them.

                    Even though my past story is different than yours, I too had to cut off someone and this person was someone whom I was extremely close to ever since childhood. Getting rid of pity and guilt takes time and most of all, it requires you to change the way you think by listening to reason. Reason meaning why it's unhealthy and even dangerous to continue certain relationships. In this case, your mother.

                    Even though we all want idyllic bonds with family members whether it's a parent, sibling or extended family members, it's not always realistically possible due to personality and character differences. Also, you can't change them either. They'll never bend to your will in a million years. It would defy all logic to expect, dream and hope for the impossible. A leopard cannot change its spots. They are who they are.

                    Mentally unhealthy and unstable people will forever drag you down. You'll always get caught up in their endless drama and they'll make your life miserable, miserable, miserable. They're abnormal, they'll never speak to you normally, interact with you normally nor write normally. If you try, you'll always bang your head against a wall in frustration. The healthiest thing to do is to let go of them; cut them loose. This is the definition of enforcing healthy boundaries. They have their space and you create a safe space for yourself without them in your life so you can feel safe, secure, protected and shielded from harm. Many times, estrangement is the only way you can attain peace.

                    Think logically. Don't think EMOTIONALLY because when you're emotional, that's when feelings of pity and guilt consume your brain space. Do what makes sense and the guilt and pity will fade over time to the point of disappearing. Once those feelings fade and disappear, your self-confidence will grow exponentially, you'll develop high self esteem and self worth. Give yourself time and patience. Do what makes sense with conviction and you will feel secure within yourself. Know you're in the right and feelings of pity and guilt will be no more.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                    • #11
                      Calm down. It will blow over. Your parents will get old and mellow out. I'm not meaning this in a rude way. I was alienated from my family and cut out of my parents' will after I moved in and was in a long term relationship with a transgendered partner. I was also sworn to secrecy and never to speak to any of my cousins again and advised to distance myself from my brothers by my Catholic family. I was in isolation and I think it was meant as a reality check but only served to strengthen me just as this experience will strengthen your brother and you. I have since moved on from that relationship but I consider myself both Catholic and an ally with the lgbtq (especially transgendered community). I have never let the two concepts dissuade or conflict against each other. They work in harmony with the way I live my life.

                      Neither of you can control how your parents react and getting mad and angry at everyone trying to change their point of view is just going to hurt you in the long run. If I had known then what I know now and the way life works, I'd have taken it much more in my stride instead of being as upset as you are about these family matters. Take it for what you will. This is just my advice to you, looking back in my rearview mirror.

                      Another word of advice, stop relying on your family to boost your self-worth and move on and find your strength through your own convictions and ideals. Let things blow over for awhile and carve out your own path. Stop worrying so much about your brother. He can defend himself if he wants to or needs to. Don't get sidetracked from your own fabulous life. Keep on keeping on. This is all just white noise.
                      Last edited by Rose Mosse; December 2nd, 2018, 02:52 AM.

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