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Help with my daughter and boyfriend living with us...

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  • Help with my daughter and boyfriend living with us...

    My daughter and her boyfriend of just over a year moved in with us. She was pregnant, so we offered that they both could move in. Boyfriend is the father. They are adults in their lat 20's and are trying to get set up. The problem is their relationship and the fighting. Not one week goes by where the house is exploding between both of them. Namecalling, slamming of doors, and even some pushing from both them against each other. They are trying to go to counseling, but not seeing much follow thru and it seems to take time with the system. Its only been tolerated this far because there has been a baby involved. If they could work it out, that would be great, but I fear both have extreme anger issues.
    A couple times it appeared they wanted to call it quits, but we made suggestions our daughter would start acting like we were making up her mind for her. It has become toxic to me, my wife, and other members of the family in the house. I am running out of peaceful tactics. They don't have a place to go if we drew a line and kicked them out, but we are reaching that point I fear. I just want my family to get along, but it's becoming their relationship against the rest of us. All we have is an ear out for when it blows up. Guess you call it walking on eggshells.
    Any advice would be awesome. Thank You from a caring father/grandfather.

  • #2
    Tough love may be your best option. They have already proved themselves incapable of making mature judgments about their lives. They are in their late 20s and they allowed themselves to make a baby with no means of supporting it. And you have further enabled their dysfunction by having them move in with you. It would be ok, if they were serious about making their relationship work and working towards financial independence, but it doesn't look like that's what's happening.

    You need to give them a deadline for becoming self-sufficient and tell them that they will have to move out by that deadline. Perhaps that will get their attention. You certainly don't need to be exposed to their daily dramas when you're providing a roof over their heads.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      How disrespectful of them to behave that way in YOUR house. They should be ashamed of themselves. They are old enough to know better and are acting like children. They have or are having a child that they need to provide for so I suggest you sit them down and read them the riot act. Tell they that as parents or soon to be parents they are a disgrace. Tel them that you will not stand for their disruptive and disrespectful behaviour in your home anymore so they need to sort their shit out and get out and find a place to live for their child's sake.
      I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!


      • #4
        I feel sorry for your future grandchild. You best stop being the codependent parents that enable their daughter to be an immature, shiftless princess and make it so she HAS TO GROW UP.

        You offered that they both could move in with you. Where did they both live before you offered that to them. Why did you think that was a good idea when clearly they are toxic as a couple?
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


        • #5
          Please do not feel guilty for telling them they can no longer reside at yours.
          Have a calm discussion and tell them that their rocky relationship is having a significant impact on your household and that it will no longer be tolerated.
          Be fair by giving them notice of a move out date.
          They are clearly not being responsible adults and in time the likelihood of them splitting is high.
          Tell your daughter she is welcome back if that happens but in the meantime they must try between themselves to be independent and figure things out as parents and a couple. Just like you and your wife did.


          • #6
            Your house, your rules. Their behavior is affecting all in a destructive manner and your role is becoming one of codependency, as you mentioned “walking on eggshells.” My husband would not allow any man to treat our daughters with disrespect or overstepping physical boundaries. You are allowing them to live together under your roof with an unhealthy relationship and an uncertain future together with no legal commitment. You love your daughter and want to help. They are not teenagers and are capable of making choices and taking responsibility for themselves and their choices. Can you list some guidelines and expectations that are necessary if they continue to stay with you? Do they have a specific plan for the near future? Your role as parent at their age is as a consultant, not a provider. How will anything change if they do not actively address the anger issues and become mature adults who do not blame others for their reactions. Doing the right thing is often the hard thing.
            Last edited by Etta Breaux; November 19th, 2018, 07:27 PM.


            • #7
              Originally posted by DyannB
              "Tough love" is not always the answer. Especially, with a new baby.

              My guess is they're constantly frustrated and overwhelmed and have no idea what to do next to make things better.
              Maybe making some money would be a good place to start?
              Hence a bit of tough love to push them into doing something about it. It sounds like they are sponging off her parents.

              I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!