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  • Am I crazy or is this wrong?

    My relationship with my sister has gone to pot!

    As children we never got on, I was always her annoying little sister cramping her style and getting in the way. I never felt very connected to my family- always felt like friends were more important. But when I left home to study in Liverpool things got better, I would entviditing my family and everyone seemed to get on really well. I met my partner there and he clicked with my family straight the way. After 5 years I missed being so far away so we moved back to my hometown, my sister was pregnant with her first child and it seemed important at the time to be around to build a good relationship with my nephew. Over the next 6 years my sister and I grew very close, we'd spend a lot time together and seemed to be getting on really well- I was able to talk to her about my distant relionship with my mum and we bonded over this.

    Everything was great. I now had 2 nephew who I dotted on, my family we're all happy and I was pregnant. This sparked the toughest two years of my life. My partner told me he had been having an affair and I was left struggling with whether to stay with him and forgive or to leave a be a single parent. My health both mentally and physically took a toll- I would talk with my sister and mum about the constant conflicts I was having in my head and my sister (understandably) hated my partner for it. We stayed together for the pregnancy and the first 6monthd of my baby's life were a struggle. My sister continued to make her feelings clear- she wanted me to leave and felt I would be better off without him.

    My my sister planned a holiday away for her hen party- a very small group, just the 4 of us. And it began well. I had a great time- my first chance t let my hair down since having a baby and enjoy feeling human again. We drank a lot and my sister and her friends kept introducing me to men- at the time I didn't take much noticed and carried on dancing like a crazy lady with some random girls I had met. After we returned to the hotel my sister lost it. She started talking about how I should leave my partner and how stupid I was for staying- this was annoying but I had heard it all before- it was when she spoke about all the fears I had told her I had that I too became angry and everything got out of hand. No sleeps, way to much alcohol and not time to think about what was being said. We both said horrible things and I toile it a step further and hit her.

    Her friebds stepped in and this is this is when I found out they'd all talked about a plan to get me drunk and to cheat on my partner so I would realise I didn't want to be with him.. it seemed crazy to me that my sister would do that to me.

    After that night we didn't speak, I returned home and struggled with the loss of my relationship with my sister, her wedding came round and I had to beg to attend.. all the emphasis seemed to be on the fact I had hit her and it didn't matter that she had emotional betrayed my trust by throwing all my inner thoughts out into the public.

    I attend the wedding and have tried to rebuild our relationship, I invite her to everything we do for my child and have tried to maintain the good relationship I once had with my nephews. But she's distanced herself, stopped attending things I am, stopped talking to people if they talk to me. She's made no effort with my child- doing the bare minimum an Auntie can do whilst blaming me for it all.

    At at times I think am I crazy, is it me making her life difficult, could I do more. But I just don't know what else to do..

    im pretty sure she's got issues in her own life that make her angry but does that give her the right to be angry at me? I'm her sister I've tried to talk to her- but she didn't want to, I tried acting like nothing happened- but everything I say or do is deemed as an act against her when that's just not the case. She's constantly brought up what happened that night (or her point of view of it) and my stance has always been that I have already apoligjddd and if she doesn't want to sit and discuss it then it should be thrown out it nasty comments over text.

    I struggle with missing my nephews. I see them when my mother has them as there older and we throw our own parties etc for them but it's not the same and my child has zero relationship with my sister- she wanted Eric so the same but we don't want to parent like that (I'm not saying our way is better) I just think it's a weird concept for your children to have realionships with people you don't.. I'd like my kids to see that if you don't get on with someone that okay but your still polite and you don't have to hate them.

    Any advice?

  • #2
    Mind-ping-pong I have a younger sister who is 10 years younger than me so I can somewhat relate. We've had our rows but my story is not the same as yours even though the sentiments are the same!

    Since you've apologized, I hope you apologized profusely. Other than apologize, there isn't much else you can do because the ball's in her court now. Fights are a terrible thing because you can't take back words and physical blows no matter how sorry a person is and many times, no matter how much you apologize. Note that many times the other party or sister will never apologize for her part in a million years which is a given.

    Since your sister isn't budging, perhaps she'll come around and forgive you someday. Granted the trust between two sisters will be destroyed forever but since you're a mother now, all you can do is to ensure that the cousins can have a sound relationship during their childhood and beyond. You'll have to yield and become a very selfless mother for the sake of the children. I know it's a weird concept and as a mother or parent, all you can do at this point is to remain civil, peaceful and cordial. You can't undo the past. Just behave graciously, have good manners and think of the children first. This is how you set a fine example to your children and all children because they're observing your behavior as they grow up. If you and your sister can make amends someday, that'll be great but obviously, she won't be ready for a long time.

    Here's the reason: Once people have been hurt, they no longer wish to take the risk of getting hurt again whether it's mental, physical or both. It is human nature. We create deliberate healthy boundaries. It's this way with most people whom I know.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

    Comment


    • #3
      Itís not actually a weird concept for your son to have relationships with people you donít.
      In fact thatís normal and he will have relationships with numerous people as a child that you barely know. Teachers , school mates, sports coaches etc. So why not an aunt and cousins?

      You say you want your kid to see that if you donít get on with someone itís ok and that you can still be polite and not hate them.

      So it baffles me as to why you are teaching him the opposite?
      Why canít your sister have her nephew over to hang out with his cousins? And you be polite when you drop him off?
      And vice versa?

      Are you still in a relationship with your sons father?
      Did he end his affair?
      How is your relationship now with him?

      As for your sisters hen night, you have control over what goes in your mouth. So you canít blame your sister or her friends for how much you drank. You and your sister exchanged words , not nice ones it seems , but she never got physical.
      That was bad. But you seem to make excuses for yourself. Did you ever sincerely apologise? And I donít mean saying the word sorry.

      You may never get a good relationship back with your sister but I donít think itís right to deny your son of that chance.

      Comment


      • #4
        Not sure why you feel betrayed. Your sister was just trying to help by getting you to wake up and get rid of your cheating partner. As you can tell from my previous post comments in similar threads, i don't take kindly to cheaters. It's a huge no no in my eyes and quite frankly there would be no going back for me. But that's just me. What you did to her was out of order and you may have to make peace with the fact that she may never forgive you for it. I'm not sure if I could ever forgive my sister for physically assaulting me. I think she's right to blame you because you got drunk and you got nasty with her.

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        • #5
          I understand that me hitting my sister crossed a line that shouldn't have been crossed and take full responsibility for it, I'd never hit anyone in my life before not even my partner when he told me he cheated.

          I'm glad my sister had been looking out for me and she told me honestly how she felt about her worries. It was the fact that I felt tricked into going on the hen do for a holiday and celebrate with my sister to find out she had another agenda... and when I didn't do what she thought I would (cheat) she became aggressive. I felt trapped with her standing over me in my bed and screaming all the fears I had about making the wrong decision and the impact it would have on my son. She also said she would tell my son about everything I had told her. I asked her to move away from me but she was really upset and angry about it and at that moment I didn't know what to do to make it stop- and I made a made choice I slapped her!

          Ive never been great at telling people how I feel and expressing my emotions so it had been really difficult to be so told about the affair whilst I was pregnant- I literally think it made me loose my mind. I couldn't trust my own mind it really fucked me up! so when my sister laughed and threw out my personal fears I felt that I couldn't trust her either... it's hard to explain. It's not her not liking my partner I would understand if she never wanted anything to do with him he betrayed my family as much as he did me... it's the fact she used my feeling and tried to bully me into making the choice she thought was best.

          my son was only a few months old at the time and still being breastfed so I didn't feel comfortable saying take him out for a few hours and that wasn't a personal decision against her it just how we have been... we were able to work around each other and haven't needed people to babysit for us.. so when he was so small I asked if she could see him with me and do the family things we used to do with her children- trips to farms, out to play etc and then when he's older and was comfortable with other people they'd have a good relationship and could do things without me.

          Relationship wise, we made massive lifestyle changes.. went to counselling and have worked hard to build back some trust- 2yrs on and we're getting there.

          Comment


          • #6
            It seems like she never forgave you for the scene at the hen party, cut off most contact and declined seeing you or having her sons see you, and then you got resentful and disliked her behaviour and retaliated passive aggressively by not allowing Eric (your son) to see his auntie too.

            Yeah, I get it that you're pissed off. I would be too if I found out my sister plotted for me to get drunk and screw a random guy at her hen party. This doesn't sound like a classy dig at all. And then you begged her to go to her wedding after she embarrassed you? This seems unnecessary. She didn't want you at the wedding. Why did you beg her to go? I don't think you're getting the message about how much you're just not wanted. You sister doesn't want to have much to do with you but you keep clamouring for her attention for some reason. For any number of reasons (her reasons), she doesn't want to keep being friendly with you but you keep wanting this relationship with your sister. You should be making peace with the fact that you are both not on friendly terms and start focusing more on your kid and your life. Get rid of negative influences. Taking back a cheater or continuing to be in a relationship for example where you don't feel valued is going to inevitably destroy your self-esteem and belief in yourself. Get out of this hole you're in and start rebuilding your life with better, more positive thoughts and goals for the future. If you already are, then keep on going at it and don't look back. Someone who understands what they're worth will not keep trying for a relationship (ie your sister or father of your kid) that keeps pushing him or her to the ground. Sibling rivalry or dysfunction is not easy to look past but you do owe it to yourself and your kid to pull yourself together. A relationship with your sister and your nephews is not happening so start working on things that you do have control over (ie raising your son and giving him the best you can).


            Last edited by Rose Mosse; November 12th, 2018, 01:16 PM.

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            • #7
              Thanks for the advice, i am a sucker for trying to make people like me.. at the behest of my own emotions.. I don't know if it was having a child or because of everything that happened but I realised how unbalanced my relationships with people around me have been.. I guess it's been easier to work this through with my partner because he too realised this imbalance and for both of it wasn't something we wanted to teach our children. I just need to keep reminding myself I've changed and that's not going to suit everyone in my life. My sister has always been the more dominant sibling in our family and my parents are very scared of upsetting her... I've been quite easy to emotionally manipulat (not in a vicious way- but done so my parents life was abit easier) I begged her to go to the wedding because my parents were really upset about it and pushed me to do everything I could do make amense... and in my fucked up view your family our your family and I was genuinely happy for my sister.

              My sister cut my older sister out of her life years ago because she had a very different childhood from us and her life is riffe with bad desicions and constant screw ups. I still see my eldest sister every now and then but she's not invited to family event (because my other sister would kick off). I would never trust my sister again like a friend but would have liked to have a positive sister relationship still.. but just need to remind myself this isn't going to happen.

              Comment


              • #8
                I get it. I'd do it for my parents too if they asked me to patch things up out of respect for them and not to upset them but at some point you probably might want to step back and take better care of you (worry less about upsetting others or hurting your parents or sister). Now the wedding is over, life goes on. She doesn't owe you anything. You don't owe her anything. You might always yearn for that relationship with your sister but it won't do you any good running yourself down or getting down about what the reality of it is. I'm sensing that you're feeling an obligation to maintain a relationship with your sister because you're trying to teach your kids a lesson. Let go of that. Kids are innocent but they don't grow up stupid. They will understand over time that you've done everything you can and it's out of your hands. I lost a lot of years with my cousins due to my parents' sibling rivalry for a period of about 10 years in my childhood. Have I ever blamed my parents for it? No. Have I looked down on my cousins or my other relatives? No. Over time, they just all proved to be what they ended up being and I've accepted that. Your kid will learn his own truths! You don't need to keep forcing everything all at once. Let things unfold in time on their own and allow others to come to their own conclusions especially your son when he grows up.

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                • #9
                  Great advice, everything I needed to hear..just got to work on my internal head not being so conflicted all the time... I have a great opitunity at the moment to embrass this opportunity and find my inner self esteem and confidence. Thank you

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                  • #10
                    Mind-ping-pong My mother is estranged from her family due to a lot of dysfunction, abuse, neglect and abandonment. Her story would curl your toes. Anyway, as her daughter, her family is not my family. Someday, you will reveal the truth to your son. He'll grow up and learn to understand in a mature way. If he decides to have relationships with his relatives someday, that's his prerogative.

                    Here's the thing. We all want the "Norman Rockwell" fantasy. We want happy family reunions and the picture perfect life with everyone from both sides of the family tree. This includes aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws and all branches. The problem is, dynamics change when there was bad blood, DISRESPECT, dishonorable behavior in all forms and that's when relationships go awry. Some people can heal from it and eventually forgive but the pain and distrust will linger forever. We don't have memory loss.

                    There are many instances when the best solution is separate peace. No one can hurt you anymore nor will the other party risk further animosity. In your case, once you slapped your sister, she was done. Separate peace is the definition of enforcing healthy boundaries. It's not your favorite optimal answer but in many cases, it ensures peace and no more in your face strife, discord and awkwardness.

                    All you can do is concentrate and do the best you can raising your son.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                      Not sure why you feel betrayed. Your sister was just trying to help by getting you to wake up and get rid of your cheating partner. As you can tell from my previous post comments in similar threads, i don't take kindly to cheaters. It's a huge no no in my eyes and quite frankly there would be no going back for me. But that's just me. What you did to her was out of order and you may have to make peace with the fact that she may never forgive you for it. I'm not sure if I could ever forgive my sister for physically assaulting me. I think she's right to blame you because you got drunk and you got nasty with her.
                      D&C, are you serious here? Her sister took private family information shared in confidence and "gossiped" with her friends about it. Then, contrary to any stated wished by the OP attempted to destroy her family by facilitating an infidelity. That is the definition of imposing her agenda on someone she supposedly cares about and the furthest thing from trying to "help."

                      The OP has decided, I assume, based on her values and needs to try to maintain her family in tact. You may not approve, and obviously her sister didn't approve, but the OP is fully within the bounds of normal to feel betrayed and outraged at her sister. In fact, given her sister's agenda and attempts to destroy the OP's family, the sister ought to be apologizing for her unwelcome meddling and betrayal.

                      Obviously getting physical was out of line, but let's not pretend the sister was trying to be helpful here.

                      Ping-pong, first of all, I applaud you for trying to keep your family together. I hope you are successful. Unfortunately, it seems your sister hasn't really changed at all since your childhood. She iis happy to have you center your life around hers and dote on her children, but when it is you that needs her support and encouragement, you're still the annoying little sister. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with her, but you may have to lower your expectations when asking her to make accommodations to your needs.

                      Good luck to you.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Pollon View Post

                        D&C, are you serious here? Her sister took private family information shared in confidence and "gossiped" with her friends about it. Then, contrary to any stated wished by the OP attempted to destroy her family by facilitating an infidelity. That is the definition of imposing her agenda on someone she supposedly cares about and the furthest thing from trying to "help."

                        The OP has decided, I assume, based on her values and needs to try to maintain her family in tact. You may not approve, and obviously her sister didn't approve, but the OP is fully within the bounds of normal to feel betrayed and outraged at her sister. In fact, given her sister's agenda and attempts to destroy the OP's family, the sister ought to be apologizing for her unwelcome meddling and betrayal.

                        Obviously getting physical was out of line, but let's not pretend the sister was trying to be helpful here.

                        Ping-pong, first of all, I applaud you for trying to keep your family together. I hope you are successful. Unfortunately, it seems your sister hasn't really changed at all since your childhood. She iis happy to have you center your life around hers and dote on her children, but when it is you that needs her support and encouragement, you're still the annoying little sister. That doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with her, but you may have to lower your expectations when asking her to make accommodations to your needs.

                        Good luck to you.
                        Im not sure I agree with this Pollon.
                        Trying to keep a family together is all well and good , but when he cheated his intentions were not about family values at all.
                        In fact it seems he only told her about it when she was pregnant.

                        Some relationships are worth preserving , I donít believe this one is.

                        I also donít believe that her sisters hen night was purely an intent to get her to be unfaithful.
                        It was a hen night first and foremost. But it probably was the opís First night out without her cheating partner.

                        I think her sister just wanted her to feel desired and not just by her partner who desires others.
                        I truly believe her sister knows more about the story than we do.

                        I think the op is too defensive about her partner with the wandering eye and lack of values.
                        Her sister sees this.



                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                          ...Im not sure I agree with this Pollon.
                          Trying to keep a family together is all well and good , but when he cheated his intentions were not about family values at all.
                          In fact it seems he only told her about it when she was pregnant....
                          I am the last person to defend her SO. He's a pig and she has every right to dump him. HOWEVER, that's her decision.


                          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                          ...Some relationships are worth preserving , I donít believe this one is....
                          The only person in position to decide whether it's worth preserving is the OP. She has her reasons.


                          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                          ....I also donít believe that her sisters hen night was purely an intent to get her to be unfaithful.
                          It was a hen night first and foremost. But it probably was the opís First night out without her cheating partner....
                          First intentions or not. It's nothing but interference and manipulation on the sister's part to try to arrange an infidelity or the break-up of the OP's family. That's just EVIL.
                          Apparently, the sister has already driven another sister out of the OP's family.

                          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                          ...I think her sister just wanted her to feel desired and not just by her partner who desires others.
                          I truly believe her sister knows more about the story than we do....
                          Neither justifies what the sister did. She's made her position known to the OP. She has no right to go beyond that.

                          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                          ...I think the op is too defensive about her partner with the wandering eye and lack of values.
                          Her sister sees this....
                          We really don't know anything about the OP's relationship with her partner. We don't even know how long they's been together, whether the pregnancy was planned, their commitment, or anything. The guy's a pig for being unfaithful, but we know nothing about the circumstances and, for whatever reason, the OP is trying to stay together.

                          I just think the sister is an entitled self-centered princess who everyone, including the OP has to bow to if they want to have any relationship with her. I'm sure she will one day get her comeuppance.

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                          • #14
                            I haven't really said much about my partner because I feel it takes away from the relationship with my sister. We both met our partners around the same time and her now husband and never really clicked with our family. He keeps himself to himself and we don't know much about him, other then random negative things we've observed through my sister... so I've never really liked him or how he's treated her but felt like it wasn't my places to judge who my sister choose to be with. He hasn't cheated on her but lies about finicial issues that massive affect them as a family unit. I've always listen talked my sister out of making rash decisions cause she tends to blow up over things. This is over years- she's struggled and continues to struggle with family life.

                            My partner clicked with the family and got on really well with everyone. That's why it was such a shock when I found out he's been a different person whilst out at work.. I didn't just sit there and say oh it's okay I'll stay with you..it took a lot of work and that came from both sides. During our therapy sessions I found out some things I didn't know and would have never guess he felt like... we just fell into a pattern of not talking to each other and we both dealt with that differently. I believe he told me whilst I as pregnant because in his messed up mind he didn't want to be the kind of man that cheated on a family and to him it made a big difference...

                            l agree that it's an individual choice and that why I made the choice that suits me and my family best. We make a great family unit- we talk and understand each other so much better now and I can hand on heart say I'm not worried about it happening again- if it did I wouldn't be angry I'd just be ready to move on!

                            my sister had told me before the hen do that she though she might fall out with her best friend as she doesn't like her girlfriend and thinks they should break up- I (obviously because of my own shitty relationship at the time) tried to talk her out of it by saying it's her hen do she doesn't want to fight or talk about heavy stuff they'd be too much drinking and dancing! Unfortunately for me her friends joined in with her and they laughter about plans to make me cheat, they also laughed at me whilst I ignored all the guys they brought over and started saying I must be gay!

                            My sister was clearly blinkered by her hatered for my partner and she in turn treated me the same disrespectful way he did. He's admitted it and earned back his trust but she hasn't she's blamed me for my reaction to it (I know I shouldn't have hit her but again I was emotionally at rock bottom and felt trapped with her standing over me yelling in my face) I will always regret hitting her... but I don't think she has a clue about how much she hurt me with what she said and how she behaved.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Mind your own life and try to keep negative influences out. Being critical or understanding tough love in familial relationships is fine but outright negativity that's way out of proportion is not good for you, your kid or your family in general. Thanks for sharing what you did above. Honestly, I didn't even need to know. You already mentioned that you worked through this with him/your partner (that translates to fucking work, know what I mean - you both earned it, that place with each other, and repaired what you had to repair). You don't have to prove your actions to anyone especially your sister and other family members. It does sound like the only problem you have is with her. Stop wanting to be a part of her kids lives. If you don't get along with her why would you want to complicate your life further? Be content with what you have and don't go looking for trouble.

                              Yes, some people do live cluelessly. You have to realize that there's only so much you can do. That's your life lesson: letting go by not getting the exact type of closure that you want. Learning to let go because it's simply something that you have to do for yourself and being at peace. It doesn't mean that you forget or put yourself or your family in harm's way (negativity from her again). But it does mean feeling happier about yourself, your decisions and being content and blissful for all the blessings that you do have.

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