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Should I Go To My Friend's Charity Fundraiser In This Case?

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  • Should I Go To My Friend's Charity Fundraiser In This Case?

    Basically my friend has these charity events she holds. She keeps asking me to come to her paint night even, where you pay to learn how to paint for the evening, and you pay $37 USD.

    But it seems a bit much and I don't even like painting. The charity is for leukemia research I think she said, but it seems like a lost cause since I don't think there has been much advancement into fixing leukemia last time I checked.

    Unless I am wrong?

    So I didn't want to go even though she keeps trying to talk to me into it. My gf told her that she would try to 'wear me down' as she put it. I don't know why she told her that, but now I feel more pressured to go cause my gf told her that.

    What do you think? Am I being too much of a curmudgeon and should go

  • #2
    Leukemia treatment has made significant leaps in the past 30 years. The variety that my mother died from would be totally treatable today.

    As for the charity event, if you don't want to go, don't go. How is she 'pressuring' you? Holding a knife to your throat?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


    • #3
      Oh sorry my mistake.

      Well she just keeps asking to the point where I am just going to say yes even though I don't want to, just to get her to be quiet about it, and not feel like I am rejecting her for something.

      Plus I felt frustrated with my gf over it, as I felt she shouldn't have said she would try to 'wear me down' as she said she told her.


      • #4
        Why not ask her to stop asking you? If she continues to ask after you've expressed your desire for her NOT to, then leave her presence and stop answering her texts for 24 hours.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


        • #5
          Well I eventually caved and said I would go so she would be quiet about it. But now I am mad at myself for doing it and feel I need to text her say I just said that so she would stop asking, but should I?


          • #6
            harmonica Never feel obligated to attend your friend's charity events or other people's sales parties, for example. It happens sometimes or a lot with some "friends." Some friends are in the sales and commission business and be prepared to be approached but learn to decline nicely. Learn to say "no." You do not need to explain either. You have your reasons whether it's personal choice not to attend, limited or non-existent disposable income, lack of interest, indifference or whatever. I've been there, too and like you, I've caved many a time. Afterwards, I felt actually guilty because I forced myself to attend against my will, spent money, time, gas and as I grow older, I've learned to politely decline.

            It's not too late to text her and change your mind and explain to her that you like her as a friend but you don't enjoy painting and leave it at that. Tell her honestly and humbly that $37. is a lot of money for you. Don't be afraid to tell the truth. You don't have to explain why after that. Keep in mind, since you decided to go, she'll never stop asking you to her charity events. However, if you put your foot down, speak up and decline nicely and put an end to attending, she'll know that you won't attend in the future and eventually stop asking you.

            If it's too late to back out now if you've prepaid or wish to keep your promise to your friend, hopefully you'll learn to be brave and decline politely in the future. Never force yourself to attend anything against your will.


            • #7
              Okay thanks. I asked my friend's opinion and he said that he felt that since I had already told my friend no and that I couldn't that day, and then later my gf goes and tells my friend that she will keep trying to talk me into coming, that my gf turned my no into more of yes by doing that, and that it's her responsibility and that she would have to pay for it therefore, since she made the no, much harder now.

              My gf even said to me, when I told her I felt she made things more difficult, that she would offer to take responsibility for it and fix this. So what do you think? Should she pay for my ticket therefore, like my friend said?


              • #8
                harmonica You feel mad at yourself for contributing to a good cause? You should feel good about it. No offense but you sound selfish. Perhaps they push so much so you would do something to help others for once. Shouldn't matter if you like painting or not, it's not about you.
                Last edited by Dazed & Confused; November 4th, 2018, 06:03 PM.
                I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!


                • #9
                  Dazed, that's a bit harsh. Why is he selfish because he doesn't want to go to this event? And how do you know that he doesn't help others?
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


                  • #10
                    Sorry I don't mean to be selfish or come off as such, but there is more to this that perhaps I should explain.

                    A lot of times my friend doesn't want to hang out with me and my gf or go the movies with us or out for drinks, cause she says she is low on money. So a lot of times I will offer to pay for some of it, or pay half just so she can go out and have fun with us. I have done this quite a few times over the past year I felt. So I feel that I have been very generous with her money wise, in helping out, so she can come out with us and have a good time. So when she keeps asking me to donate to her event, I feel that I have been quite generous with her, and that maybe I am giving her too much, if I pay these things as well. Like I feel that maybe she is asking for a little much now since I payed for her things a lot before, when she couldn't afford to come out.

                    But what do you think? Am I wrong?


                    • #11
                      I understand a bit more now. This girl thinks of you as a cash machine. I apologise for my last comment. It did come off a little like you didn't want to do a good cause, but I can see otherwise now
                      I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!


                      • #12
                        Well I don't think she thinks of me as a cash machine, i just offered to help a little here and there when she was a low. But I don't think she actually thinks that.


                        • #13

                          harmonica This is more complicated than I thought because now your gf is involved by trying to "wear you down" as you say. I think you need to straighten this out with your gf because it's wrong for her to try to "wear you down" until you cave. She shouldn't have gotten involved. Gently tell your gf no means no. Say it nice as you can. No sense causing a nasty fight over this. It's not a matter of your gf paying $37. on your behalf for an event you do not wish to attend. It's the principle of the matter meaning your declining to attend the painting charity event because you do not like to paint and you do not wish to attend, period. There are no ands, ifs or buts about this. And, I agree $37. is a lot of money for those of us who can't afford to throw our hard money around.

                          No, you're not selfish. In the past, I belonged to various communities and I was hit up on sales parties and charities all the time! Keep in mind, once you accept and say "yes," they're all over you like fruit bats! I was sheepish, meek and shy. I caved a lot even though I ended up hurting my wallet at every turn and / or ended up with dust gathering clutter which I eventually discarded in the trash bin!

                          You are generous by helping your friend during social settings. Your friend is over stepping her boundaries as your friend. She's taking advantage of your friendship with her because she's dangling the friendship and obligation card in the name of charity. She knows you hesitate to decline due to obligatory guilt which is disdainful. Be tough and politely decline. Stand your ground. There is a way to decline graciously and respectfully.

                          The problem with some friends is they over step their and your boundaries and test you which is wrong.

                          And, no you're not wrong.


                          • #14
                            Well I talked to my gf about it and she said she was just playing around and having fun when she told my friend that and is sorry she did that and didn't mean anything by it. I also feel that this opened a door for my friend to keep on asking, c'mon you will have fun, until last night i finally said yes to her just to get her to be quiet and stop asking me about it.

                            But I gave in after I had a few drinks, when she kept asking me since we were all out having drinks, so I feel my friend wore me down, when I was in a drinking state of mind, and feel now, that I shouldn't have said yes.

                            Do you think she really overstepping her boundaries intentionally though, since me offering to help her out in the past, was probably not on her mind when she kept asking, since she is mentally pre-occupied with this charity thing?

                            There is also another thing. My friend said she would offer to do something nice for me in the future to pay me back like take out to dinner sometime, since I have been kind to her money wise later, once she has more. But if I don't go to her charity thing, will she feel resented by that and not want to do something like that for me in the future if I ask her?

                            Plus my gf is already going herself and bought her ticket, so does it look bad to my friend if I don't go with her now, and that I have recanted?
                            Last edited by harmonica; November 4th, 2018, 08:20 PM.


                            • #15
                              harmonica It's good that your gf wasn't serious regarding "wearing you down."

                              It was bad of your friend to take advantage of a few drinks in your system because your friend knew with alcohol, you have less inhibitions. This does not sound like a good friend to me. This friend is hounding, pestering and pressuring you to attend the charity painting event.

                              Yes, she is most definitely over stepping her boundaries! Perhaps with your helping her out in the past, she thinks you are ready to reach for your wallet and pay $37. towards her charity and you wouldn't think twice about it since she grew accustomed to your paying for her socially.

                              And, next, your friend is negotiating deals with you by offering to pay for your dinner. While that's nice of her to say, I hope it doesn't have "a catch." "A catch" meaning conditions of: "If you pay and attend my charity, I'll take you out to dinner sometime in the future." There's something about your friend which sounds shady and insincere.

                              Don't feel guilty if you decide to decline your friend's charity. Friendships should remain UNCONDITIONAL. Friends should not keep score. The true test of friendship is when they don't resent you due to your personal choice and preferences. A real friend respects your wishes always, no questions asked. If your friend plays mind games with you due to your declining the charity event, your friend is not a true, real friend at all.

                              Never be with a friend who uses you and takes advantage of your good heart and reluctance to say "NO." Those types of friends have ulterior motives.

                              Let your gf go. She bought her ticket and no, it doesn't look bad to your friend if you decide not to attend. If your friend judges you due to your declining the event, that's your friend's problem, not yours. Tell your friend the truth. Tell her that you don't like to paint and money is tight; $37. is a lot to spend for a craft night which you do not enjoy! A real friend doesn't hold grudges should you decline. A bad friend expects you to "cooperate" and be "a yes person." This is a true test to your friendship with her. If she's going to make a big deal out of your not wishing to attend this painting charity event, you need new friends.