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  • #31
    Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
    On Valentineís Day???
    Not on valentines day. He got back in touch on the 12th but we haven't talked since then. We don't talk every minute of every day. We say hi every couple of days and find out what each other is up to etc
    I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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    • #32
      Well, I haven't read the entire thread, but I'll just say that a lot of people do reconnect with old friends over Facebook or other social media. But it is a fact that reconnecting with an old friend like this, where your spouse is not a part of the communication, has led to many divorces, as people develop a romantic or close attachment through communicating one-on-one on a regular basis with this friend. I would suggest you keep online communication brief and superficial with these refound friends of the opposite sex, and then plan to meet up as a group that includes your respective spouses or family members. No deep, intimate, conversations with opposite sex friends on a one-on-one basis. Even if you think it's harmless, feelings can creep up on you when you are communicating on a deep level one-on-one with an opposite sex friend. I know at least one woman in real life who ended up in an emotional affair (if not physical affair) with an old friend whom she reconnected with over social media. It happens. His wife was right to nip this in the bud and set some boundaries, as a preventative measure. Now you should uphold the boundaries so you can maintain the friendship, but with your spouse included. Maybe plan a get together that includes both spouses and/or other family members. I think it's nice to stay in touch with childhood friends. I have friends I've known for decades. Many people have lifelong friends, some of whom they've met during their childhood or college years. It's good to keep in touch, but do so with proper boundaries in place to protect your marriage and his, and to avoid concerns that your spouses might have.

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      • #33
        Originally posted by Mary View Post
        Well, I haven't read the entire thread, but I'll just say that a lot of people do reconnect with old friends over Facebook or other social media. But it is a fact that reconnecting with an old friend like this, where your spouse is not a part of the communication, has led to many divorces, as people develop a romantic or close attachment through communicating one-on-one on a regular basis with this friend. I would suggest you keep online communication brief and superficial with these refound friends of the opposite sex, and then plan to meet up as a group that includes your respective spouses or family members. No deep, intimate, conversations with opposite sex friends on a one-on-one basis. Even if you think it's harmless, feelings can creep up on you when you are communicating on a deep level one-on-one with an opposite sex friend. I know at least one woman in real life who ended up in an emotional affair (if not physical affair) with an old friend whom she reconnected with over social media. It happens. His wife was right to nip this in the bud and set some boundaries, as a preventative measure. Now you should uphold the boundaries so you can maintain the friendship, but with your spouse included. Maybe plan a get together that includes both spouses and/or other family members. I think it's nice to stay in touch with childhood friends. I have friends I've known for decades. Many people have lifelong friends, some of whom they've met during their childhood or college years. It's good to keep in touch, but do so with proper boundaries in place to protect your marriage and his, and to avoid concerns that your spouses might have.
        If you read the whole thing then you would know that it's both myself and my husband that talks with him. There is nothing but friendship and I said he is more like family. So it's not what anyone is insinuating here. A group get together consisting of the family and friends we all went on holiday with as kids is planned for when he comes home for a visit next year. You wasted your time with all that text because there are proper boundaries in place.
        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

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        • #34
          Dazed & Confused As long as everyone is on the same page, go for it.

          Even though, I reached out to a social media male friend from long ago, I told him that my 14 yr old dog passed away 3 wks ago given that he's a dog lover, too. I wouldn't have been able to relate to a non-dog owner or someone who only had a backyard dog. I also messaged his wife who is a nice lady friend of mine. No harm no foul. As long as correspondence is mindful, respectful and there are common sense boundaries in place, it's all completely innocent and harmless. And, we don't get personal either. There isn't excessive correspondence nor are will spilling our guts regarding our personal lives and relationships. We have an unspoken code of decent conduct. I don't message him except for short messages a few times a year at best out of respect for his wife. I tell my husband so he's in the loop and it's all good. If it's done right with the opposite gender, it's rather innocuous. I think it's fine as long as no one over does it and behaves properly. For me and a few males whom I occasionally contact, I keep it generic, brief and infrequent. They appreciate my respecting them as well. We know how to behave properly and there is no emotional attachment whatsoever. Communication can be safe and proper as long as everyone is very decent.

          I have a BFF and I texted her husband not out of regular correspondence per se but because I had difficulty contacting her. I contact him during emergencies. Or, I contacted him because I shipped something to her and I wanted to make sure she received it because it was a surprise gift, something of that nature. My BFF contacted my husband and she was kind about it. We're all respectful of one another. None of us have any misunderstandings because we're proper.

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          • #35
            Well, I wouldn't do it but I'm happy things have worked out for D&C. I don't think it's wrong but I find it unnecessary (don't have the personality type to give a shit). I think some people are more social than others and that is fine too.

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            • #36
              Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post

              If you read the whole thing then you would know that it's both myself and my husband that talks with him. There is nothing but friendship and I said he is more like family. So it's not what anyone is insinuating here. A group get together consisting of the family and friends we all went on holiday with as kids is planned for when he comes home for a visit next year. You wasted your time with all that text because there are proper boundaries in place.
              Well, something set off his wife, and she felt there was too much communication between her husband and his childhood friend (you). So I am suggesting you keep communication brief, superficial, and infrequent, in order to not create trouble in their marriage.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by Mary View Post

                Well, something set off his wife, and she felt there was too much communication between her husband and his childhood friend (you). So I am suggesting you keep communication brief, superficial, and infrequent, in order to not create trouble in their marriage.
                Her issues were actually nothing to do with me. She was ok with me but paranoid about other females on his fb friend list that she didn't know of. Hence why he deleted it. Bit insulted by your accusations tbh. He and I are like family. My husband talks with him too.
                Last edited by Dazed & Confused; February 16th, 2019, 03:35 PM.
                I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                Comment


                • #38
                  Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post

                  Her issues were actually nothing to do with me. She was ok with me but paranoid about other females on his fb friend list that she didn't know of. Hence why he deleted it. Bit insulted by your accusations tbh. He and I are like family. My husband talks with him too.
                  I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just saying wives generally don't like it if their husbands are spending a lot of time communicating with other women on social media or through texts. You said in your original post that you and he were texting almost every day for a solid three months, plus communicating on Facebook and other social media. That's too much if you are in a relationship or married.

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Mary View Post

                    I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm just saying wives generally don't like it if their husbands are spending a lot of time communicating with other women on social media or through texts. You said in your original post that you and he were texting almost every day for a solid three months, plus communicating on Facebook and other social media. That's too much if you are in a relationship or married.
                    There are no rules on how often you can talk to a friend/family member. You are making this out like its a sordid thing and more to it when its not. When we first got back in touch we'd send a text back and forth most days on WhatsApp but not ALL DAY and not every day. In this day and age its not a crime to have a friend of the opposite sex, and yes, i agree that some wives don't like their husbands talking to other women, but this guy is like family and it was never just me talking to him, my husband was fully involved and was talking to him too.
                    I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post

                      Her issues were actually nothing to do with me. She was ok with me but paranoid about other females on his fb friend list that she didn't know of. Hence why he deleted it. Bit insulted by your accusations tbh. He and I are like family. My husband talks with him too.
                      So has he deleted the other female friends? Why didnít he do that initially?
                      What exactly was her issue and why?
                      Why has she no issue with you but does with others?

                      You yourself said in this day and age that it isnít a crime to have friends of the opposite sex. Thatís your opinion and possibly based on trust in your husband.
                      She doesnít trust her husband. But I doubt you know the reasons behind that.
                      Who are these females she doesnít like in his social media ? Has he cheated on her in the past?

                      You say your husband chats to him! Why?? Does he know him?
                      Why isnt this guys wife chatting to you? That is the same as him chatting to your husband isnít it?

                      You knew him as a child. You are only now getting to know him as an adult and so far he hasnít come across as a grown up adult.
                      He gets in touch , flakes, gets back in touch and blames his wife for that.

                      I dont believe your childhood friend matured into adulthood the way you assume he would have.

                      Just because you see the contact as innocent , doesnít mean it is.

                      Tread carefully.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        This feels a bit like an interrogation now but OK lol. He said the other females were people from school. No idea if he talked with them. No idea why his wife didn't talk with me so i will ask him. Highly doubt he has ever cheated. We had 2 video chats in the 3 months we were back in touch, husband was with me both times, i introduced them, they got on great. Sometimes if he text me and i wasn't in the room my husband would pick it up and say hi to him and relay my responses. His got into the profession as a special needs carer. He loves to help people who have suffered from things like a stroke etc. We told him all about my mum and how she had a big stroke, that the family is all pulling together and taking care of her. He provided allot of insight due to his knowledge in these things and showed allot of support.
                        I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                          This feels a bit like an interrogation now but OK lol. He said the other females were people from school. No idea if he talked with them. No idea why his wife didn't talk with me so i will ask him. Highly doubt he has ever cheated. We had 2 video chats in the 3 months we were back in touch, husband was with me both times, i introduced them, they got on great. Sometimes if he text me and i wasn't in the room my husband would pick it up and say hi to him and relay my responses. His got into the profession as a special needs carer. He loves to help people who have suffered from things like a stroke etc. We told him all about my mum and how she had a big stroke, that the family is all pulling together and taking care of her. He provided allot of insight due to his knowledge in these things and showed allot of support.
                          Not an interrogation but simply questions you should be raising yourself that you arenít.

                          The other females are people from well in the past just like you.
                          Why is he seeking these females out all of a sudden?
                          A problem in his marriage perhaps??
                          And therefore his wifeís issues with it are not actually unfounded?
                          Despite what he might tell you or any of the other females from his past he got in touch with?

                          Your husband being ok with it only speaks about the trust between you and your husband.
                          And perhaps thatís why she is ok with you over the others whose husbands arenít involved?

                          Where was his wife during these video chats?

                          He might very well be a special needs carer but that doesnít mean he is meeting the needs of his wife.
                          Why is he willing to jeopardise his marriage?
                          Why are you ok with him doing that? How badly do YOU need him in your life when you might be unwittingly helping him jeopardise his marriage?

                          If his wife is insanely jealous for no good reason , then why is he staying with her?
                          I suspect she is jealous for good reason and until you get to know her , you will never know why.

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                          • #43
                            You've definitely given me food for thought because there isn't really allot i know about his marriage. He says she's the jealous type but was cool with me. She's a good mother and he really loves her. During the video chats she was at work. There is a huge time difference so where it was the evening for us, it was the morning for him. You're right, i don't really know what goes on on his side.
                            I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                            Comment

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