Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

My friend stopped talking to me

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • My friend stopped talking to me

    Ok, I wasn't going to post anything, but I've been encouraged to share my little issue. 3 months ago, one of my oldest friends got back in touch with me. The last time we saw each other was when we were kids. He and his brother were the sons of my parents best friends so we were all very close back then. The best friends I ever had. We all went on a big family and friends holiday 21 years ago then they emigrated to another country. They came home for visits a few times and their parents moved back permanently due to their divorce. They boys stayed living in this other country with their families. I recently went on holiday with my family to the same place we went and posting the pictures prompted the youngest brother to get in touch (he is now married with kids, like me). We talked about the holiday and events from when we were kids. He told me all about a major fallout he had with his brother. We got on so well. He would text regularly and we would have great conversations and laughs. We were both so happy to be back in touch. He told me he never wanted us to lose touch again and I agreed. I had my oldest and bestest friend back and we talked most days for the next 3 months. Then suddenly he stopped texting. I text him after 3 quiet days but got no response. That's when I realised that he had unfriended and blocked me on Facebook and blocked me on WhatsApp. He hasn't blocked me on Instagram but hasn't responded to a message I sent through it. It has been almost 7 weeks now with no word from him. I am really confused and was rather devastated at first. My husband knew all about him as he would talk to him too because they became friends too. I assume his wife knew he was back in touch with an old friend but my husband has suggested that maybe she didn't. He would talk a lot about her and his kids. Any ideas why he would just suddenly cut ties like that?
    Last edited by Dazed & Confused; October 29th, 2018, 10:16 AM.

  • #2
    Well Iím dazed and confused now.
    If you werenít in touch how did the youngest see your pics you posted from your holiday that would entice him to get back in touch?
    That doesnít make sense?
    Can you elaborate?

    Comment


    • #3
      ^^^Maybe she has an open facebook account that anyone can see.

      My guess is that his wife became uncomfortable with your communication and put the kibosh on it.
      Last edited by SarahLancaster; October 29th, 2018, 10:31 AM.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

      Comment


      • #4
        Maggiemay4791 we followed each other on instagram a few years ago but didn't really talk. I posted some pics from my holiday last June on there and he messaged me then added me on Facebook. 21 years ago a large group of us (family and friends) all went to this place and it was the best holiday ever and held so many fond childhood memories for us.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
          Maggiemay4791 we followed each other on instagram a few years ago but didn't really talk. I posted some pics from my holiday last June on there and he messaged me then added me on Facebook. 21 years ago a large group of us (family and friends) all went to this place and it was the best holiday ever and held so many fond childhood memories for us.
          Who followed who first?
          Iím suspecting him.

          Maybe he is going through a midlife crisis , maybe a rough patch in his marriage , who knows?
          But itís nothing personal against you.

          Why do you care so much? You knew each other well as kids. You are adults now.
          People move on from childhood friendships even though they remained in the same town all their lives.

          After 20 years of nothing , you had a fleeting online reunion over a brief 3 months.
          Its hardly a significant loss in your life?

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

            Who followed who first?
            Iím suspecting him.

            Maybe he is going through a midlife crisis , maybe a rough patch in his marriage , who knows?
            But itís nothing personal against you.

            Why do you care so much? You knew each other well as kids. You are adults now.
            People move on from childhood friendships even though they remained in the same town all their lives.

            After 20 years of nothing , you had a fleeting online reunion over a brief 3 months.
            Its hardly a significant loss in your life?
            Yes he followed me first. I cared because it was really nice having one of my oldest friends back in my life (even though he's in another country) . It hurt a little at first but i have my own family to focus on so i let it go. But i cant help wondering about it sometimes.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post

              Yes he followed me first. I cared because it was really nice having one of my oldest friends back in my life (even though he's in another country) . It hurt a little at first but i have my own family to focus on so i let it go. But i cant help wondering about it sometimes.
              He was in the past a close childhood friend.
              But as an adult was he present in your life when you had significant life changing moments?
              When you got married?
              When you gave birth? Etc
              Where you there for his?

              I think you are just reminiscing and placing him above where he actually stands in your life , relationships and friendships.

              It sounds to me like he was seeking an emotional affair. And got caught out by his wife.

              I think you should block him on instagram.

              Comment


              • #8
                Dazed & Confused It wasn't your fault. A lot of times you have happy memories of childhood friendships and still want that as an adult even though you two grew up. To no fault of your own, people change often times not according to what you like, what you approve of (not that it needs approving), people meet and marry, their spouse takes over and you have lower priority and status in their adult life. In your case, perhaps the wife is jealous and commanded her husband to cut it off with you. Threes a crowd you know even if it's platonic. The wife wants to be #1 so the wife comes first. I'm not saying this is fair but often times marriage is this way and you either take a back seat or you have to leave the friendship by default.

                It's not unusual to get kicked out of friendship once the wife or husband (or girlfriend / boyfriend) wants their spouse's (or partner's) undivided attention. It's a real game changer. It happens a lot, very common and nothing I hadn't heard nor observed before.

                I think it's great that you hold precious memories of your childhood friends. Many people do. Unfortunately, people aren't children anymore. Their lives change and many times, their personalities and characters change along with it which is a sobering reality check and fact of life. You don't have to like it but you'll have to grudgingly accept this. I'm sorry you feel rejected. Try not to take it personally because it isn't anything you did. Whenever the other party is so abrupt and bites your head off like that, they have too many issues, problems and troubles of their own to deal with which has nothing to do with you.

                Content and secure people are kind to you. People with insurmountable problems or personal issues have their own lot to cope with and there is no brain space, time and energy for you. Then you're on the receiving end of passive aggressive behavior such as ghosting, unfriending, ignoring you, blocking, etc. Again, it's nothing personal. Once you think along those terms, you won't feel as hurt as before.
                Last edited by chanelle; October 29th, 2018, 06:37 PM. Reason: Typo
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                Comment


                • #9
                  chanelle thankyou. My husband has reassured me that it's likely that his wife wasn't too happy with it (even though she never had anything to worry about). I take comfort in knowing that I didn't do anything to upset him in anyway. In fact our last conversation was great.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                    chanelle thankyou. My husband has reassured me that it's likely that his wife wasn't too happy with it (even though she never had anything to worry about). I take comfort in knowing that I didn't do anything to upset him in anyway. In fact our last conversation was great.
                    Dazed & Confused No problem and anytime. I'm glad you had a great last conversation with your childhood friend. His wife had nothing to worry about. It's just that she thinks the picture of the 3 of you is a bit crowded. She wants her husband all to herself and does not wish to share him with another woman. She feels that she is enough female companionship for her husband and she doesn't want any woman vying for her husband's attention. Wives are possessive like that. It's the way it is even though male and female friendships are innocent and platonic.

                    I know you didn't do anything wrong. However, put yourself in her position and let's say you switched roles. Let's say it's your husband who has a dear childhood female friend, they rekindle their friendship, he's suddenly friendly with this female friend from long ago, texts her regularly, has conversations, shares laughs and his correspondence with her will continue permanently. Even if you probably won't mind it at all, a lot of wives would mind it very much.

                    Like you, I'm married and even though there's nothing inappropriate between my husband and his female childhood friend, for example, I'd request that he ceas all contact with her, too. If he wants to text regularly, have conversations and share laughs, it should be with me and not another woman. I'm sure I'd expect the same respect, loyalty, devotion and courtesy from him and I highly doubt he would approve of my male childhood friend being my electronic and in-person friend today.

                    Some spouses are that way. I don't know if it feels threatening, or there's lack of trust or what it is. I guess some married couples are this way and then there are other couples who have friends of both genders and there's no problem whatsoever. A lot of husbands and wives (or girlfriends / boyfriends) don't approve when their female or male friends pay attention to their spouses or partners (with regular communication electronically and / or in person). It's unsettling and makes them feel uneasy and uncomfortable.
                    Last edited by chanelle; October 30th, 2018, 02:23 AM. Reason: Typo
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      chanelle Yes I 100% understand that and if that was the case then I would've been totally understanding if he needed to stop. I just wish he would've let me know first instead of just disappearing.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                        chanelle Yes I 100% understand that and if that was the case then I would've been totally understanding if he needed to stop. I just wish he would've let me know first instead of just disappearing.
                        Dazed & Confused I agree, his abrupt disappearing act was so sudden, shocking and unexpected. I'm sure he would've wanted to continue his friendship with you since both of you share childhood history together. However, the reality is, it's either his wife or you. I'm sure his wife put her foot down on that one so your friend acquiesced and had to let you go. It's obvious that naturally, his wife comes first. I know you meant well to rekindle your friendship with him but you know how wives are and they take top priority in a husband's life. It was nothing you did wrong nor were you at fault. It's that way regardless of gender.

                        I've heard stories where there are a lot of platonic friendships outside marriage with the opposite gender. Unfortunately, there are relationships or marriages which will never tolerate nor accept it. Hope your hurts will fade into a blur and someday you can say that time healed your old wounds.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                          chanelle Yes I 100% understand that and if that was the case then I would've been totally understanding if he needed to stop. I just wish he would've let me know first instead of just disappearing.
                          You arenít his priority.
                          His wife is or at least should be.
                          If she requested him to stop contact ( you have no idea how your contact with him may or may not have affected his relationship) , it would be extremely disrespectful of him to say I canít speak to you because my wife doesnít permit it.
                          Perhaps he has already had online emotional affairs before you?

                          Have you blocked him yet?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                            chanelle Yes I 100% understand that and if that was the case then I would've been totally understanding if he needed to stop. I just wish he would've let me know first instead of just disappearing.
                            Dazed & Confused A lot of times when a man (or anyone for that matter) doesn't know how to let you know it's over especially when forced by their spouse, the person, your childhood friend in this case, just simply drops you like a hot potato. It doesn't mean it was the right thing to do but often times that is the reaction when they don't know what to say or do. It's easier for him to do nothing and just disappear. Poof! Just like that. It's the way it is in relationships or marriages. The partner or spouse in this case doesn't wish to "share" their spouse with anyone especially with the opposite gender. Then again, it could be with anyone, not just female. Could be a friend, acquaintance, relative, in-law, etc. Spouses usually want and expect exclusive attention from their spouse and there are no ands, ifs or buts about this.

                            Your intentions were good but that's the way it goes with married life or relationships.
                            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by chanelle View Post

                              Dazed & Confused A lot of times when a man (or anyone for that matter) doesn't know how to let you know it's over especially when forced by their spouse, the person, your childhood friend in this case, just simply drops you like a hot potato. It doesn't mean it was the right thing to do but often times that is the reaction when they don't know what to say or do. It's easier for him to do nothing and just disappear. Poof! Just like that. It's the way it is in relationships or marriages. The partner or spouse in this case doesn't wish to "share" their spouse with anyone especially with the opposite gender. Then again, it could be with anyone, not just female. Could be a friend, acquaintance, relative, in-law, etc. Spouses usually want and expect exclusive attention from their spouse and there are no ands, ifs or buts about this.

                              Your intentions were good but that's the way it goes with married life or relationships.
                              Spouses donít actually usually want and expect exclusive attention from their partner.
                              They simply want respect.

                              The spouses chanelle is talking about are the minority not majority.

                              IF and itís only an IF that this guys wife asked him to no longer contact you , then he succumbed to that as a priority only.
                              But maybe he just got jack shit of you?
                              Maybe he got bored?
                              Maybe he was seeking an affair and knew that wasnít going to happen?
                              Maybe as I said earlier he was seeking an emotional affair?
                              Maybe as I said earlier he cheated on his wife before?

                              Who knows and who cares?
                              You think of your childhood friend as some angel, but you actually donít know what he grew up to be.

                              All you know is that he contacted and disappeared.
                              He doesnít have the same memories as you or the same friendship feelings as you.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X