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  • Boyfriends Girl Best Friend

    So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. When I first met him, he had a girl best friend, letís call her A. They have been best friends since they were in elementary. They grew up together. Weíre basically like brother and sister. I was excited at first because I could be friends with her also. I knew how important their friendship was and I always tried my hardest to be nice to her and hangout with her. Long story short, she was not receptive to me at all. She ignored me. She has no personality whatsoever. She would come over to our house and hardly acknowledge my presence. A normal person might say she is just jealous and that she wants to be with my boyfriend. I didnít really see it that way & I know for sure itís not that way. I know when a girl is interested in my boyfriend and this girl definitely wasnít. She was just rude to me for whatever reason. Anyway, my boyfriend and I argued about this for months. How she wasnít nice to me, how it hurt my feelings, etc. He would tell me Iím crazy and that she is always nice to me.
    I eventually found out that he had been texting her about me when I wasnít around. Telling her all kinds of personal things about me and basically twisting stories around that made him seem like a victim and as if I was treating him terribly. Of course she would reply back and say how crazy I was and this and that. He would even send her screenshots of our personal messages. Yeah I know this is completely wrong and believe me, he now knows itís wrong too. We ended up moving back to his hometown after he graduated college. ďAĒ still had a year left so she stayed in her college town. I thought maybe things would be better between us and she would maybe come around. I tried so hard to be her friend because she was important to my boyfriend. She was still not receptive to me. There were a couple times when she was nice to me but it didnít last. Fast forward to this year... my boyfriend finally realized that sheís rude to me and then starts to distance himself from her. ďAĒ doesnít speak to either of us and still hasnít in 9 months. My boyfriend stopped reaching out to her. I know this is petty, but A had deleted me off of Facebook but not my boyfriend. Aís boyfriend deleted me and my boyfriend off of Facebook. Ok, why me but not him?! Super petty but ridiculous. I talk to Aís mom the other day and she tells me that A told her that I didnít talk to her on Christmas which is a blatant lie because I even invited A over to our house on Christmas.
    You might as me why Iím so upset and might think Iím overreacting. I have never been more upset over something in my life. I saw A at a wedding a couple days ago. My boyfriend and I were both there. She didnít come near us. It is very weird that she doesnít come near my boyfriend because theyíre supposed to be best friends. My boyfriend tells me heís just as upset about the situation as I am. Well an awkward situation arises and Iím standing in front of A, my boyfriend is next to me. My boyfriend reaches out his hand and says to her ďhey how are you? Itís good to see you.Ē And she says ďitís good to see you too.Ē At this point Iím livid because I had just found out that sheís been lying about me. She is telling other people that my boyfriend and I ďjust donít talk to her anymore.Ē And then my boyfriend acknowledges her after he knows how badly she has hurt me and our relationship. So I stare at A for about 30 seconds. Just waiting for her to make eye contact with. And she wonít even look at me. So Iím not sure what to do now... Iím upset that my boyfriend is nice to her face but tells me that heís ďjust as upset.Ē He told me he talked to her to be the bigger person. And he keeps telling me ďjust tell me what I need to do to make it right.Ē And I tell him that I want to speak to her and I want us both to. I want to have a conversation and sort this out. It is awkward living in a small town where we run into each other. Iím sick her of lies and honestly I have never wanted to punch anyone in the face more than her. Iím pissed at my boyfriend because I feel like he is still betraying me. What is the best way to handle this situation? Letting it go hasnít worked for me.. I have tried. I would be so protective over my boyfriend if someone treated me this way.
    Last edited by nrc123; October 9th, 2018, 06:18 PM.

  • #2
    Maybe you should come to terms with the fact that not all of his friends need to be your friends too.
    You've tried to be her friend and for some reason it's not working out. And your boyfriend has followed you and given up a life-long friendship for it. And yet you still feel that you're the victim here.

    Just stay out of each others way and let your boyfriend decide if he wants to have some kind of friendship with her that doesn't include you. As long as he agrees not to disrespect either of you by talking about you behind the others backs, fine. But that goes both ways. If you expect him not to talk about you, don't expect him to belittle her in your presence or listen to you raving on about how horrible she is. Respect goes both ways, so stop focussing on how you've been wronged and focus on how many times you've wronged her.
    You don't have to be best friends, but be civil and grant your boyfriend the chance to reconcile.
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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    • #3
      Giiiirl, I hear you. When I first dated my now-husband, I had to navigate this with one of his female friends/co-workers. They were strictly platonic, but she was protective over her relationship with him and how I was "taking him away" from her life. That's my guess for your boyfriend's best friend. I think you would be able to tell, as you said, if she's interested in him romantically, but that's not the case. She's upset/resentful that you took him from her in a way. He used to need her, now he needs you more. It was an awful thing to go behind your back and share personal stuff about you to his best friend though. That really wasn't wise of him and it sounds like he's started respecting you and your relationship more by stopping that habit.

      Now, don't feel bad that he wants to have female friends - there just need to be boundaries that you both can be enthusiastic about when it comes to opposite-gender friends. It sounds like a this point, he still cares about her and that she still cares about him in a weird way, but that they need the distance. One, to respect you as the girlfriend (first priority) and two, to let their own selves calm down over the change in friendship. He was depending a lot on her from what it sounds like. Your boyfriend is doing what he can to defend you whilst not talking poorly about someone who used to be a big deal to him. He's still mourning that change as she probably is too. Forget the Facebook unfriend thing, they're just trying to get on your nerves and you're letting them. You can't change the fact that you will probably see each other from time to time, but you can change how you react to the situation and keep your cool. Don't dwell on the issue/gossip too much anymore with your boyfriend about her and her boyfriend. You two are happy together and that's what matters. Be patient with your boyfriend as he discovers on his own that it's not working to have a female best friend as well as a girlfriend. It is not maintainable long-term and he'll see that soon enough.

      If somehow they become cordial to each other again - don't try to be in the middle. You don't have to be friends with her, at all. But your boyfriend shouldn't be texting her all the time or trying to see her alone much.

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      • #4
        It appears that he may not have wanted to make a scene and was just practicing social graces. That was a wedding you were at where many people are present. It wouldn't have been appropriate to talk about your issues there. I'm puzzled why you're trying so hard to accept her in your lives. I think you're being too friendly about the matter and the time for female "best friends" is over. If anything, as his girlfriend you should be his best friend. I don't believe this relationship is cut out to work in the way your boyfriend and you have designed it. You'll both come to your senses eventually I think. This girl has no place in both your lives.

        I'm disturbed by your boyfriend's over-familiarity with this female friend and disclosing your relationship details with her. Put yourself in her position for a second. As a female friend of any man in a relationship, would you want to know the sordid details about someone else's relationship? In my opinion, it'd be none of your business just as it's none of her business. There's a line crossed and I hope your boyfriend realizes it and apologizes to you.

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        • #5
          I think you should talk about your insecurities and doubts directly to your boyfriend. It seems like your boyfriend and that girl is playing the game with you. Stop talking and inviting that girl on occasions at your home. Otherwise, it can create a big trouble in your relationship.
          No-BS advice and tips for for dealing with your wife's insecurities. Find ways to help her overcome the negative thoughts and self-esteem issues.

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