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My Non-Ex Ex

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  • My Non-Ex Ex

    Welp, after a year, I was told "you'll think this is hilarious in a year" and that's not true.

    Instead, I experienced a hell that no one could talk me out of.

    So, after being gaslighted for the umpteenth time in my life and experiencing the hell that was getting over my shit the first time (and I did get over it fully the first time) AGAIN, I would like to say "Thanks, now nothing bothers me, and I am no longer a shell of a person who loved you. Now, I am also a person who has 3 doctors, multiple facebook groups, and an inner struggle that can't even be named in order for me to cope with what's happened between us and everything that happened to us. Cheers. I'm not laughing yet."

    But ya know what? I still love that son of a bitch, the same way I love my ex husband: from a loving distance of "never speak to me again, and you're free, get out of my head."

    You are forgiven, and you're still a coward, objectively speaking. No man worth his salt stays with a woman he fucking hates for the kid's sake. That's just fucking true.

    I have and will always face my life head-on. Whether that means divorcing my husband who I still loved because the relationship wasn't right for us, whether that's coping with my awful stepmother and my crazy father, coping with the abuse I've experienced from my family. I face my shit head-on, I don't hide and pretend I love people I don't love for the sake of someone else. I live for my sake, because I believe that there are better things in this life than bitching to people for *years* that I want a divorce from my wife, but don't have the balls to do it.
    Last edited by Panda; October 6th, 2018, 06:52 PM.
    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

  • #2
    Were you gaslighted by the same man or by different men?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
      Were you gaslighted by the same man or by different men?
      Almost my entire immediate family, then my first ex, then my second ex, then 2-3 people at law school, then my 3rd non-ex ex... It's been special.
      Last edited by Panda; October 6th, 2018, 07:06 PM.
      "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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      • #4
        I have no idea what on earth you are talking about. Are you saying you're currently separated from your husband but were dating a POS (specifically a man who was cheating on his wife and choosing to stay for his child) whom you still love? Why are you dating this man in the first place or why was he even an option for you? Surely you couldn't have been so vulnerable to fall for that trap. Yes, parents will do what they have to for their children and generally do put them first in relationships. I hope you find the peace and healing you deserve.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
          I have no idea what on earth you are talking about. Are you saying you're currently separated from your husband but were dating a POS (specifically a man who was cheating on his wife and choosing to stay for his child) whom you still love? Why are you dating this man in the first place or why was he even an option for you? Surely you couldn't have been so vulnerable to fall for that trap. Yes, parents will do what they have to for their children and generally do put them first in relationships. I hope you find the peace and healing you deserve.
          I find it impossible to not love people. Even people who are morally disgusting to me. Because they teach me a lesson. I loved him for the good things we did together as colleagues, and nothing more.

          And in any case, yes, I was incredibly vulnerable, and have been even more vulnerable and beaten-up since. But, I have chosen healthy decisions and have stayed away from him, my ex husband, family members who hurt me, and am getting help to heal.

          So, I think it's worth saying that I had some frustration left over, and it's important to forgive people when they know they've done you wrong. And it has to come from love, or they'll never leave your mind, heart, spirit, or soul.
          "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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          • #6
            Panda Ahhh, welcome to the world of gaslighting. I didn't even know what gaslighting was for the better part of my life until I stumbled across that serious mental disorder's definition for which there is no cure!
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              I'm not going to repeat my story, but my divorce was finalized last December.
              "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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              • #8
                Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                Panda Ahhh, welcome to the world of gaslighting. I didn't even know what gaslighting was for the better part of my life until I stumbled across that serious mental disorder's definition for which there is no cure!
                I think I'd heard the term when my ex first dumped me. But I didn't hear about it again until recently, and I thought a lot of people in my life were doing it, but no, it was just traumatic stress from being gaslighted by a few people.
                "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                • #9
                  Panda I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away. I never knew there was even a term for this sick psychological warfare which I've unfortunately been on the receiving end ever since I was a child. Now I know better and I avoid gaslighters like the plague.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                    Panda I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away. I never knew there was even a term for this sick psychological warfare which I've unfortunately been on the receiving end ever since I was a child. Now I know better and I avoid gaslighters like the plague.
                    It's a skill I hope to hone as I heal. I know how you feel, having felt the same way in several of my childhood circumstances.
                    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                    • #11
                      Panda I hope you won't stoop down to the level of a gaslighter and never "hone this skill as you heal." Oh heaven forbid! I'm sorry that you too have experienced gaslighting ever since childhood. I feel for you then. It's nasty and I hope it's not monkey see monkey do.

                      There are two things that happen whenever I encounter gaslighters. If I can't reason with them come hell or high water, then I let them go meaning I leave them alone. I don't care what they do or say as long as it does not involve me and as long as I'm not there with them. They are free to do as they please and as much as their wicked hearts desire - - again as long as it does NOT involve me and if I'm nowhere near their midst! I let them know that estrangement is the only way to sustain everlasting peace.

                      Then if there's a gaslighter who gaslights but can be reeled in, I remind them to stay on track, not veer off topic and forewarn them not to manipulate nor control the conversation. They don't like it whenever I'm onto their nasty game but at least they adjust themselves and behave after I admonish them for attempting to gaslight me. That is the best case scenario.

                      Usually, you cannot fix a gaslighter. They've had too much practice and in my mind due to their complete and permanent lack of empathy, they're nothing but stupid idiots. They have zero emotional intelligence or EQ. They prance around as if they can control and manipulate everybody's conversation but they can't get to me anymore because my retaliation is I bow out and exit their lives completely. I don't tolerate their crap anymore. I'm DONE.

                      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                        Panda I hope you won't stoop down to the level of a gaslighter and never "hone this skill as you heal." Oh heaven forbid! I'm sorry that you too have experienced gaslighting ever since childhood. I feel for you then. It's nasty and I hope it's not monkey see monkey do.

                        There are two things that happen whenever I encounter gaslighters. If I can't reason with them come hell or high water, then I let them go meaning I leave them alone. I don't care what they do or say as long as it does not involve me and as long as I'm not there with them. They are free to do as they please and as much as their wicked hearts desire - - again as long as it does NOT involve me and if I'm nowhere near their midst! I let them know that estrangement is the only way to sustain everlasting peace.

                        Then if there's a gaslighter who gaslights but can be reeled in, I remind them to stay on track, not veer off topic and forewarn them not to manipulate nor control the conversation. They don't like it whenever I'm onto their nasty game but at least they adjust themselves and behave after I admonish them for attempting to gaslight me. That is the best case scenario.

                        Usually, you cannot fix a gaslighter. They've had too much practice and in my mind due to their complete and permanent lack of empathy, they're nothing but stupid idiots. They have zero emotional intelligence or EQ. They prance around as if they can control and manipulate everybody's conversation but they can't get to me anymore because my retaliation is I bow out and exit their lives completely. I don't tolerate their crap anymore. I'm DONE.
                        Honing a skill of identifying a gaslighter is bad?

                        *shrug*

                        Anyway, it's funny now.
                        "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                        • #13
                          Panda No! I thought you meant you were going to hone your skills and become a gaslighter, haha! Sorry for the misunderstanding!
                          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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