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Need advice about son and his ex-girlfriend

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  • Need advice about son and his ex-girlfriend

    I am new and joined specifically to ask for advice from some impartial people. Here goes. My son (27) dated a wonderful young woman (25) for over three years. She became like a member of our family right away. I had an instant connection with her, as did my daughter. I could go on about why she is so loved by my family but thatís really not important. I became very close to her and when my son broke up with her a little over two years ago I cried and was deeply depressed. She was pressuring him to take the relationship up a notch and move in together. He was not ready emotionally or financially to do that and it became the root of many arguments between them. He told me she was his best friend and that he will always love her but she basically pushed him away by pressuring him. Within two months, he met someone else and started what became a two year dysfunctional relationship that recently ended badly. In the interim, girlfriend number one, after exhausting all efforts to reconcile with my son, met a young man online. He lives on the other side of the planet (Australia) and they began a long distance relationship. Last December she got a one year visa and moved there to see if the relationship was going to work. We have kept in touch this whole time. Recently she came back for a visit (without him) and she and I and my daughter met for dinner. She is still the same sweet girl and seems happy. I mentioned to my son that she was in town and that led to him telling me he knows he made a mistake but she is now living in Australia with another guy. I also want to mention that before she left, he wanted to meet with her and she refused. I believe that she felt it would only confuse her. Now for my question. Her visa expires in three months. She told me it would cost a lot of money to get another type of visa that would allow her to stay. I know she misses home and does not want her boyfriend to marry her just to enable her to stay in the country. I feel compelled to let her know about my sonís feelings. I donít know what to do. I donít want to upset or confuse her but If she never knows how my son feels she might make a decision that she wouldnít have otherwise made. I only communicate with her through Facebook messenger and do not have her phone number or address. She and my son are no longer friends on Facebook and have no way to communicate. Also his biggest fear in life is rejection so he would never initiate contact with her. I know he still loves her and I believe her current relationship is a rebound. What can I do to get them together??? Also he broke up with girlfriend number two AFTER we talked about girlfriend number one. And he is also has his own place and a good job now so he is better off financially as well. Please help.

  • #2
    My first impulse is to tell you to mind your own business. Your son rejected her because he wasn't ready for a commitment with her. Then she met someone and was enough enamored of him to get a visa and move to Australia for a year. You say she seems happy. Well, she probably is very happy and you shouldn't second guess her motives for wanting to be with the guy in Australia.

    I think interfering in this matter will not turn out well. She has moved on and met someone. Your son needs to do the same thing. If he were serious about wanting to get back with her, he'd contact her and make his case, fear of rejection notwithstanding.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      I agree and If you want to keep getting involved then encourage your son to communicate with her instead of talking to her about your son. You owe your loyalty to your son so stay on his side and respect his wishes if he does not want to contact her. There is always a way to communicate this day and age even if they are not "friends" on facebook.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        Thanks for the welcome! No I would never get offended. I wouldnít have put it out there otherwise. I really needed to hear what you and the previous poster said. You are both right! It would not end well.

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        • #5
          MaryannS Don't interfere. Know your boundaries and don't get involved. It's already dicey that you and your daughter remain friends with your son's ex. Don't complicate matters by intervening and interfering. It's not your place to do so and if you do, all of you will end up in a hot mess.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6
            As a mother who cares about her son, I believe you can certainly, in the generic sense, encourage him to pursue any woman he's interested and not let fear of rejection stop him from taking risks. If the woman happens to be his ex, so be it and all the better.

            However, don't interject whatever private information either of them have shared UNLESS they asked you to do so. If the ex told you to let your son know she's entertain his interest, then go for it.

            In other words, it would be manipulative to use private information to maneuver people around to do what YOU want them to do. However, encouraging and supporting your son as he pursues his goals is the loving and motherly thing to do.

            Good luck

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