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My brother is being extremely abusive to me and my mother, and alienating his son

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  • My brother is being extremely abusive to me and my mother, and alienating his son

    Hi, Iím desperately looking for some help or advice, on behalf of my parents and also for myself. I have two older brothers. My eldest brother has issues with drugs and alcohol, as well as a toxic relationship with his ex-wife. My family endured the fallout of this situation for years, and around a year and a half ago my mother and step-father were granted full time, permanent custody of his three children. We thought things would calm down a bit, but around the same time my other brother, who has one child, stopped my mother seeing his child. His reasoning was that he didnít think his son could get one-to-one time at my motherís house whilst the other 3 children are there. He is also very jealous, and seems to have typical middle child syndrome, and expressed his anger at my mother taking on these 3 children and said that he wanted them to go into care. Since then, my mum has made several attempts to have contact with his son and my brother and his wife have either been abusive to her or ignored her.
    A few weeks ago, my mother applied for mediation as she is deeply hurt and desperately wanted to resolve the situation. My brother and his wife did not turn up, so she applied to court for permission to request a child contact order, which she has been granted permission to do. The court date is set for December this year, but the court suggested that in the mean-time, both parties should attempt to meet and arrange contact. My mother wrote to them again and asked to meet and discuss this. They agreed, but when they met my brother just screamed and shouted vile abuse at my mother, so badly he was asked to leave the venue. His wife stayed and said she would only agree to my mother having telephone contact with their son, as she does not want him spending time with the other three because it wonít be one-to one time.
    My mother does not want to agree to this. It feels unnatural when she had enjoyed a very close relationship with my nephew previously. She also does not want to risk calling him with a chance that my brother could come on the phone and give her more vile abuse.
    However, she is worried that not accepting this may go against her when they return to court. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions?
    Also, does anyone know if, as an Auntie, I can also apply to be party to proceedings and go to court as well? Because they have also stopped me and my family seeing my nephew, for no other reason than that I am supporting my mother.
    I am absolutely heartbroken about this situation, it is making me depressed, and I am extremely worried that my mother is going to have a breakdown from all of this stress. She is 65 and already bringing up three children.


  • #2
    I'm not sure I understand it. Your mother asked for a court order to see her grandson?

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    • #3
      I frankly don't think it's any of your mother's business or yours to insist on seeing your brother's son. What is the matter with you? They are the parents of that boy and they ought to have some say. I don't feel like your mother or you are being reasonable. Tensions and emotions are very high but I think it's because your mothers and your egos are bruised and you are both resentful and vengeful. Your nephew is in no harm and your mother has more than enough on her plate. You are busy body who wants to get involved. Leave your brother and his wife alone.

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      • #4
        I can understand that you want this resolved, and you want to be able to have a good relationship with the nephew, and you and your mother are trying to make it happen. I would suggest you bring up to your brother the possibility that you would agree to babysit the three grandchildren so that the grandmother could spend some quality time away from the house with her other grandchild, and then also suggest that you be given the opportunity to spend time with their child one-on-one as well. Seems like that solution would be a win-win for everyone involved.

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        • #5
          I agree with Mary about the babysitting.

          Your brother is being a petty twat. If he's so damn afraid that his son won't get one-on-one attention from your mother then why can't he compromise and invite her over to visit her grandson at his house while you babysit the other three. Next time he can invite you over.

          For your brother to take such an immature and petty stance that has broken up a family, I have to ask what else your mother has been up to besides just taking in her other grandchildren. There must be something you are leaving out. Have your mother and your brother been generally not getting along all this time and her taking in her other grandchildren just the straw that broke the camel's back?

          As for you also getting visitation rights. Speak the the proper authorities about that. I would surmise that if you mother is going to get rights to her other grandson then she'll be able to see him in her home so that would give you access to him as well.

          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
          I frankly don't think it's any of your mother's business or yours to insist on seeing your brother's son. What is the matter with you? They are the parents of that boy and they ought to have some say. I don't feel like your mother or you are being reasonable. Tensions and emotions are very high but I think it's because your mothers and your egos are bruised and you are both resentful and vengeful. Your nephew is in no harm and your mother has more than enough on her plate. You are busy body who wants to get involved. Leave your brother and his wife alone.
          Spoken like someone who hasn't a clue about the bond between a grandmother and her grandchildren. Surely you can understand that she is missing her other grandson and wants to be able to see him????
          Last edited by phasesofthemoon; September 19th, 2018, 02:29 PM.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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          • #6
            I second Mary and Phases.

            Offer to babysit. If that doesn't work, let the court figure it out.
            Try to avoid direct conflict and confrontation with them as much as possible, for the sake of the children involved. They do not need to see the adults in their family behave like this.
            You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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            • #7
              Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
              Spoken like someone who hasn't a clue about the bond between a grandmother and her grandchildren. Surely you can understand that she is missing her other grandson and wants to be able to see him????
              Yes, I do understand but don't agree with the approach or the level of emotions. I tend to think the OP is blowing it out of proportion with her mother. Of course, she's welcome to come back and disagree. I still maintain that this is overdramatic and unnecessary and the last thing the young boy needs. Those are still his parents and they should have the final say in how they want their boy raised whether others in the family want to accept it or not. Putting the child in the midst of this is just over the top and I don't feel like the adults involved here are interested in the boy. His parents have already considered the other three children inappropriate company. Considering the argumentative nature of the OP and conflict that the grandmother and the OP are willing to stir, I really don't think they are appropriate either. The level that this has allowed to blow out of proportion to is indicative to me of other issues and the boy just happens to be a scapegoat.
              Last edited by Rose Mosse; September 20th, 2018, 11:15 AM.

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              • #8
                As already stated... I disagree with your observation so no point debating it further.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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