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Do you trust a friend who betrayed you...?

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  • Do you trust a friend who betrayed you...?

    Hi all, any advice here appreciated.

    I had a close friend for the past 2 years. She came into my life right at a time when my old best friend (OBF) had treated me poorly and left me at a tough time. She was mad because my marriage ended due to me cheating, which is totally not cool but it didn't involve her in any way. All three of us were friends. I was going through a separation and divorce and my old best friend was not there for me so the "new best friend" (NBF) came along and was supportive. I trusted her with everything and told her just about everything that was going on in my life.

    She started to become jealous when OBF and I started to patch up our friendship, though she denies it and tells me I am the jealous one. She started to become discretely controlling and tried to keep me away from OBF and got really mad when we had any plans or interaction with OBF , even though I always included her. She would lash out but then not admit being jealous, I suppose because she doesn't want to admit any fault. We went through this cycle a few times and got past it but in february this year she really lashed out, said awful things, undid any feeling of support that I had previously had from her because she started to take sides with OBF and implied that I deserves to suffer pretty much. She said she had heard some mean things I had said about her from an unnamed source. These things aren't true.

    I was a great friend and even through our conflict I've never said anything bad against her and kept all her secrets. So now she misses me and believes that I didn't do anything hurtful after all and wants to patch things up. She has reached out to me at least 3 or 4 times, said our falling out is probably mostly her fault, says she misses me and loves me and wants to remain friends. I'm supposed to see her tomorrow but I feel unsure. Do I accept her back into my life? I cannot open up to her like before as my trust is broken. I fear she just wants to have me around so she can pry and find something to gossip about. I don't have much proof but I strongly believe she and OBF gossip about me when they are together. It's funny because I think they both love me and want to be my friend but their judgements come from a place of jealousy and insecurity and maybe they just don't have the characters to be good supportive forms. How Do I know if she is sincere? Does anyone have a similar experience?

    my best options are to be civil tomorrow and aim to just drift slowly if I don't want her in my life. We have mutual friends and I don't want to cause drama. Or else I test the waters and let her back in very slowly, which I am leaning towards because I'm a forgiving person and I see that she has made repeated effort to stay in touch. I just wish there was a way to test her sincerity and character. Advice?

  • #2
    Maybe it's time to dump both OBF and NBF and make ANF
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      It sounds like the three of you all knew each other before all this and were fine before. Now they're both vying and competing for your attention which seems odd. Are you sure you don't have a skewed perception of things? What was your friendship with both of them like before your marriage ended? If it was lighthearted and not as dark as this, put it back that way! Just don't involve yourself in their gossip and stop giving out your own "secrets". Just listen to them if you want to spend time with them. If they are a source of strength or support for you as you get your life back on track and they genuinely do want to be there for you (which you may want to find out and give a shot finding out), then do so but with caution. Don't overthink their actions and if the energy starts to get weird and dark, simply bounce back and hang out with other friends or learn to be self-sufficient and enjoy your time doing other things.

      I wouldn't end a friendship because of a misunderstanding. People will treat you the way you let them treat you so if you don't want to be part of the circus, don't act like a feature show.

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      • #4
        Lol phasesofthemoon this is something I've been wondering for a while now.

        Rose Mosse Thanks for your thoughts. You're right that all 3 of us were all fine before. OBF and I were really close and NBF was a friend to us both but not really close. I think she fears being left in the dust and I also feel like she has put herself in the middle of a disagreement between myself and OBF where she shouldn't be.

        I'm not sure if they're vying for my attention so much. Sometimes it seems more like they're just trying to keep each other away from me. Sometimes it seems like a weird power struggle. For me, I just want to maintain my long term friendships if it's possible without jealousy and rumour spreading that feels like it belongs in middle school. I think all 3 of us have our own insecurities and for me it'd be better if we could all just speak openly about how we feel but I think I'm the only one who is willing to do so. This is what makes me wonder if I should just walk away.

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        • #5
          Imho it just sounds like you three need to take a break from each other. Give it a rest and stop planning meet ups so often. It's not healthy in friendships to stifle each other just as it isn't healthy in relationships. Friends should be there for support and understanding, not this type of behaviour. Dial back the meet ups to maybe once every 6 months or so, stop responding to every day or weekly texts and develop healthy friendships outside of this circle. This should be rolling off your back. Continue to find ways to grow and learn new things. See if that improves your friendships overall. If they tend to get snarky and make rude comments about your lack of activity just keep it civil! If you can't stand their 21 questions and disrespect, just move on like Phases says. Most people do get the hint ....good luck.
          Last edited by Rose Mosse; July 19th, 2018, 01:39 AM.

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          • #6



            Afterimage I've had similar experience. Beware of both OBF and NBF. If you wish to retain them as your friends, then you must tread lightly because since OBF and NBF are tight (close), they could very well gossip about you at your expense. Remain polite, civil and peaceful always. Become emotionally detached. If you're unemotional, you won't get hurt or you'll get hurt less than usual. If you don't want to cause drama, then remain calm, silent and play it smart. You can forgive but forgive does not mean forget nor condone unacceptable behavior.

            Testing sincerity and character and trusting others are all earned. People need to earn their trust for you. Since you're intuition and gut are telling you to be cautious, listen to that little voice inside you because it is always correct. From now on and from this day forward, enforce healthy boundaries with others. Do NOT divulge and disclose your personal info anymore. Talk about the weather, discuss generic, boring subjects, you get the idea. Play it safe. Better safe than sorry. You have to be careful especially in this Information Age with the Internet, electronic communication, messaging, texting and social media. Learn to protect yourself by keeping your mouth shut. Mum's the word.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              Nope, not anymore. I will never believer a cheater.

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              • #8
                It's very hard to trust smn who betrayed you... but everyone make mistakes. And it's very important to give another chance.

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                • #9
                  Afterimage I would trust a friend or anyone who betrayed me just as much as I would trust Judas.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                  • #10
                    From personal experience I can tell you it all depends from the situation. This was posted 11 days ago so whatever I say, might not be what you end up doing which is perfectly fine. One of my best friends was talking to my girlfriend at the time in a very sexual way and I did not even think about it twice and I never talked to him again, simple as that. Then there was another time where another close friend which I figured out was always talking behind my back ended being in my life for the next couple of years before I realized this mistake. Honestly, there is no right answer. You will know what to do and I am sure you made the right choice. If it is not the right choice then you could put it down as experience and move on. Learn from your mistakes, be forgiving but not too forgiving. It is all about figuring out the balance between those two. I wish you all the best and I hope everything worked out. I would not worry about her too much because you have your whole life ahead of you. Stay Awesome!

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                    • #11
                      Thanks everyone . A lot of mixed advice. I guess it all comes down to forgiveness, Trust, and the risk of letting someone back in who doesn't deserve to come back in. For anyone wondering, I saw her last week and we kept things pretty surface-level and light. She texted me over the weekend to say thank you for hanging out and that she misses the way our friendship used to be. Once I started to respond, she told me that she's been having a really hard time and going to counseling. I don't know if she is telling me this to excuse her behavior towards me.

                      I think what I am feeling now is a gut instinct that she is untrustworthy. I think she genuinely misses me and doesn't view herself as an untrustworthy friend. I think she might feel justified in her behavior. I also feel pity, like I feel bad for her and I feel like I want to give her another shot. It's hard to turn somebody down when they seem so earnest in wanting you to accept them. Also I am a forgiving person. I think the next step is to speak openly in person about what has happened in about what we're feeling, I think that will give me a better sense of how honest and sincere she is being.

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                      • #12
                        Afterimage . You can forgive but never forget because you'll forever feel suspicious. If you wish to continue a relationship with your friend who betrayed you, do so with extra caution because you can never trust her anymore. Never let your guard down and never confide in those who betrayed your trust. They're wolves in sheep's clothing. Keep your relationship superficial at best otherwise once you let her guard down and become too relaxed, you're fair game and will get betrayed again. Protect yourself. Make sure your radar is up. Once burned, twice shy.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                        • #13
                          Thanks chanelle I think you're right. I wouldn't confide anything in her that she could hurt me with. It's funny though because I feel like she has very little power to hurt me this time. If she betrays me again, I don't really care what she does or says to other people to try to get to me. I just don't care enough anymore about that circle of friends because of the qualities or lack there of that I've witnessed. I think if I were more invested I'd be more vulnerable. If she truly is untrustworthy I hope she will lash out again because I would not even blink before walking away after giving another chance. And also it'll be easy to know the truth the next time.

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                          • #14
                            Afterimage No problem, anytime. Smart move about never confiding anymore. I hope you won't be gossiped about behind your back. No one should be "entertained" with gossip and rumors at your expense. It all starts with you. Keep your mouth shut in order to play it safe because by the time you try to do any damage control later, it is too late. Everyone and their brother knows your business and you can prevent that.
                            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                            • #15
                              I'm glad this problem has been fixed. Just to help fix it further, invest in some alone time. You are going through a difficult time right now with the end of your marriage and this is a terribly vulnerable time. I find it risky to emotionally depend on others when I'm completely broken. You can build yourself up, so there will still be some strength left in you if someone betrays you again.

                              I think it will also be great to spend some time not thinking of OBF and NBF. Focus on other people for a while, anyone who takes your mind off those two people. You guys have been getting way too absorbed into your friendship and it has reached depressing proportions. It's become like parasitism between a trio of emotion vampires. This kind of friendship can get really weird because the more you guys focus on it, the harder it is to fix. The devil is in the details.

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