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Is my friend mentally ill?

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  • Is my friend mentally ill?

    My best friend of 1 year and I moved away for college together. We were both unhappy with our current lives, hardly any support from our families and she wanted to go away and start a new life with me. Her situation was tougher than mine so I offered to support her until she was stable. I gathered money from my old jobs and helped her with the flight ticket, our dorm,food,leisure etc. But when we arrived everything went down.We would fight as she was ungrateful and demanding, I had an alcohol addiction, and I was recovering from childhood trauma. Sometimes she’d slap me or bite me really hard which drew flashbacks on me.

    One night I accidentally kissed her neck and she didn't pull away. Later she tried to fill my head with false memories that I wanted to kiss her and take her shirt off. The arguments continued and I couldn't cope with all the problems I was facing. I overdosed on ecstasy and ended up in the hospital. She broke down and stayed there all night and saved me from the cops. After I got released, we started over and she took care of me. Anyway, we got into another fight which resulted in her telling me to go kill myself. I got drunk, and I grabbed her by the neck. We started hitting each other on the street. She began screaming for help. I ended up at the cops again. And the university began a disciplinary hearing against me. Then she had asked me if I had feelings for her, to which I replied no it's only platonic. And then we decided that she’ll move out and go live with another friend.

    We sat down to speak once after the police incident. She said "we tried and it won't work out. I don't want you. I feel nothing for you anymore." When I asked her what I've done to deserve this, she replied "I cared about you. And I was in love with you" after a pause she continued fast "as a friend." She wiped my tears,hugged me and said what’s broken can’t be fixed and we had to forget each other as I wasn't the same person she knew. I felt guilty, and I wanted to get her back.

    For the next 2 months it was a push and pull game. I'd chase her and try to fix it, she'd push me away
    When we're alone she'd say she needs space if we were to fix t and it's hard for her to move on as she's addicted to me, but then when she sees me with boys she'd flip out and start a fight out of nowhere.
    As soon as she sees me moving on, she stops me. For example; when I accepted it was over I gave her a teddy to say goodbye. She ended up going out with me and another friend that night. She got sick at the end, and asked me to stay with her, then cuddled me till she slept. We had another major fight after that. I found out that She's also been going around and talking badly behind my back to boys especially, saying I was a psychopath, gay and obsessed with her. She also spilled and twisted my secrets that I had trusted her with.

    She had told her long distance “boyfriend” about what was going on. She tried to extract information from the man (my ex best friend) who had sexually abused me (even though she hated him). She called me vulgar names and accused me of wanting it.
    From the beginning when she met me, she told me "I think I've a crush on you. Is it weird?" She had a boyfriend at the time so I laughed it off and assumed she's joking.
    Then we started hanging out with mutual friends and got close. We'd play fight, hold hands with interlocked fingers, call each other pet names, cuddle etc. She'd say I was her whole world and that She couldn't live without me. she used to ask me to come over to her house when her parents slept and we'd smoke hookah and cuddle on her bed. We used to cuddle often either in bed or in the car. One day she acted weird and said she loved me then leaned in and kissed my nose. Then she asked where's my kiss? When we were apart, she used to call me every night when I finished work. We would day for hours everyday. And sometimes,she also used to send me revealing and seductive videos of herself .Then one day she had the nerve to tell me she had a dream where we made out after a fight and "maybe it would be a reality when we lived together."

    Back to present--
    I couldn't take it anymore and I decided to leave for the semester. The day I traveled, we met up coincidentally, and we spoke. She said I ruined everything between us and that we were over. I held her hand and hugged her for the last time and left. However, when I was at the airport, she kept calling me. She told me “I’m going back to my ex. Even though he cheated on me, at least he didn’t lay a hand on me. You loved yourself more, and because of you I hate everyone.” Then she continued to call me at random times to insult and swear at me. The last conversation we had was her telling me we were toxic for each other. I haven’t heard from her for a while and I found out that she lied about her ex and they never got back together . I know I’m wrong as well and I have issues, and I’m already getting help for them. I want to move on and I'd like to get some clarity from her POV.

    Was she using me? Was she afraid that I liked her romantically? Is she mentally ill? What could be the possible reason

  • #2
    Is this the same "friend" you've made 2 other posts about in the past 6 weeks?
    If so, I have to ask why you're still so invested in this friendship? In your first post about her, you got the advice to end the friendship and work on your own mental health. Not much has changed, so why do you come here expecting different answers?

    Have you gotten professional counseling for the issues you've described, your alcohol abuse, your traumatic childhood etc, as other posters have suggested? If not, why haven't you?
    You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


    • #3
      Stop worrying about what she is and concentrate on getting your own mental health up to snuff and learning how to be a confident woman who knows a toxic relationship when she sees one and has the good sense to dump people who are clearly not showing you that they value you.

      Never, ever allow your codependency issues to compel you to support someone who is not committed to you and will eventually be able to do the same for you should you need it in the future. She is bad news and you should really put all your focus on coming to terms with your past abuse. Are you familiar with the term "nurturing your inner child?" Please google that phrase and read.

      Time to learn how to get her out of your head and work on you.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


      • #4
        You both are.
        But you can't do anything about her.
        You can only work on yourself and without distraction from her.


        • #5
          Mentally ill is a strong term. There's nothing that stands out specifically that would lead to a diagnosis over the internet. You both sound codependent and dysfunctional. You have a substance addiction that is controlling your life and ruining your life. I suggest you work on yourself and get counseling for your addiction and past trauma, and learn to love yourself enough to stay away from toxic people who are bad for you.