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I am married and really need advice!

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  • I am married and really need advice!

    This is my first time ever posting to a forum or blog but I can't talk to anyone else about it and risk it getting out. I am married and have had a crush on a co-worker for quiet some time. He is an old friend that I have always found attractive, but in the last 8 months or so have started to think about more and become more attracted to. We were at a work function a few months ago and were drinking and ended up kissing. Since then I have not been able to get him out of my mind. We have hung out a few more time alone since then, and every time it always ends with me kissing him. When we talk about it after he is always the one to say that we cannot do this because it will not end well for either of us but I find it so hard not to! He kisses me back when I kiss him, but then is always the one to stop it after. I thought maybe because we are such old friends that he just does not feel the same way about me, but he has says that he does but he cannot go further because I am married. And when he says that I think to myself "Duh, what am I doing!" but I don't know, I feel so strongly for him. And I don't know if because he is trying so hard to be a decent man and not be with a married woman that maybe it is making me like him more.
    Here's the part that I am really struggling with and I think the only thing that could make me cut it off. I think because I am married and he in single that if we continue to be together is it too unfair to him to get involved with someone who can never take the relationship to another level (like getting married, having kids, etc). I know that he would like a family some day and am wondering if this is selfish of me and if I am holding him back from meeting someone else who could give him that.
    Advice appreciated, but please don't be too harsh.

  • #2
    What's your husband like and your marriage?
    You do realize that you're acting a bit stupid, right? My suspicion is that a man will never really respect you this way and you're digging yourself a hole. Nevermind house or kids. He will not even look at you like human being and he may constantly question what type of person you are or what you're capable of.


    • #3
      Like Rose said, any halfway decent man won't consider having a relationship with a woman who's been known to cheat.
      He would never trust you. He will always expect you to treat him as disrespectfully as you're treating your husband.

      Are you at all worried about your husbands reaction when he finds out about this?
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


      • #4
        I agree with what has been said so far. Even if he really does have feelings for you and vice versa, whatever relationship you two could end up having together would forever be overshadowed by the fact that it began when you were married to someone else. That's huge. It shows that you were unfaithful to your husband, and could potentially be unfaithful to this guy if he were to get involved.


        • #5
          I think it's sad that you're worried about your emotional affair partner and ask if we think you're being unfair to him by holding him back from finding a woman that could advance the relationship ~ but you say NOTHING about how unfair you are being to your husband or how you'll be tearing him apart when he finds out what bullshit fantasy canoodling you been doing with this asshole who knows you're married but keeps meeting you one-on-one anyway.

          He's just playing this for all its worth and building up the tension between the two of you. If he cared about you at all, he'd put an end to these shinnanigans and end all one-on-one interaction with you immediately.

          Get yourself away from him, quit all date like activities, and absolutely NO after work contact whatsoever. You've ruined the emotional connection that you and your husband once had by acting inappropriately and hanging out one on one doing date like activities with another man. Time to end that kind of romantic relationship boundary cross, now.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


          • #6
            I will not be harsh. I believe that humans are not made to mate for life. Back in ancient times till death do we part was OK since people died at 30. Now we live much longer. We also develop as people and the courtship type love that made us want to marry despite the bad odds of it working, disappears and you no longer overlook any faults or feel like spending every minute with your spouse. Men start to take their wives for granted. No more getting all dressed up to go on dates during weekends. That is when women start to cheat. I spent my very young years dating women like you. Their husbands no longer make them feel desirable and sexy. Sex is routine and often boring. However some of the fault lies with the wife. She does not directly tell her husband what she needs from him but instead seeks it out with another man and then uses it as the excuse to cheat.

            My first fiancÚ of 5 years cheated on me. The ex girlfriend after her cheated on me. My wife has not in 46 years but we were non monogamous for most of that time. We recognized that no one person can fulfill all of your needs and yet there is pressure to do just that which leads to disappointment. So you seek someone else who makes you feel like you did when you dated. You are once again made to feel sexy and desirable. You have a reason to wear that sexy underwear and clothes. As you prepare for the meet, you are like a teenager anticipating a hot date. That is certainly a better feeling than being taken for granted.

            My wife and I agree that had we insisted on a monogamous marriage as I did in my first two relationships, we would have divorced a long time ago. We also do not believe that we have exclusive rights to each other's bodies which so many still feel. How many times have you heard, "He is mine.", "He belongs to me." and the female version of that? For us sexual fidelity was not the foundation of our marriage. It was the emotional attachment and putting our marriage and each other ahead of all else, even monogamy. Our marriage always came first. While we did not go looking for other sex partners, if it happened it was not a deal killer as long as it was the exception and not the rule and that our marriage always came first and all dealings were above board with no sneaking around.

            In our case we wanted to have sex with others but not risk our marriage so we wife swapped and had four and threesomes. It was fun and it made us feel sexy and desirable again. The sex between us was very intense after being with others for the next few weeks plus a great ego boast. We only played with others once to avoid any emotional attachments. The problem is that when emotions come into play we tend to make bad decisions as you are experiencing now. It was not until my wife's best and longest friend who I knew even longer than my wife, joined us in bed after her divorce, did we feel love for each other and liked it so much that we gave our girlfriend her own room in our home. My wife and I did not have to cheat. We played with others as a couple. I did date a few girls on my own until I got an STD and our girlfriend dated other guys until one of them got her pregnant. After that we became polyfidelitous.

            Have you approached your husband about an open marriage? We met lots of couples doing this. Some were successful and most were not. The point is that if the existing marriage structure is not working for you, you need to find one that does. I fear that if you break it off with your friend it will not stop you from wanting him. We can become addicted to people even if it means the end of our marriage. One we moved to get away from a girl I was addicted to. We broke up but we saw each other at work and it always started up again. Through the years we worked it out since my wife is not the jealous type and I always make her feel like the most desirable woman alive. She shared me with her girlfriend for most of our 46 years of marriage with no jealousy or even an argument. We rejected society's marriage structure that teaches us monogamy but gives us no alternative other than a destructive divorce.

            My advice is to do what is best for you. It is not a good life living with someone while you love someone else more. You will be miserable. However, being the man in your situation a few times I will warn you that what you have is a relationship that is all about the fun and games part of a relationship. It is courtship love that makes you want to spend all of your time with him. Same for thinking everything he says is golden and that he understands you. Men will do whatever it takes to get into our pants. Courtship loves blinds you to his faults. Most of all, just getting together for hot sex or a date is a very small part of a relationship and should you leave your husband for him you will then have to deal with all the mundane things of a relationship which might turn him or you off. All of a sudden his habits become annoying or you disagree on how to spend money. You are together every day and that is much different than seeing each other for sex and love. It is a whole new ballgame and the odds of you staying with him are against you both in staying in a relationship and in staying married. What looks good to you know may be worse than what you have already. The sex will become routine at some point. He will take you for granted. He will stop trying since he already has you and does not have to try so hard anymore. In other words, you will find yourself in the same situation you are in now with your husband. It has been my personal experience that a woman who cheats on her husband will also cheat on her boyfriend when the initial excitement wears off.

            As a poly person I am aware of New Relationship Excitement. The new person is always going to be more exciting and the sex more intense and the desire to be with them greater. This NRE is something we poly people are aware of enough and have to figure out how to deal with. You are experiencing NRE and that will go away and you may end up in a worst position than you are now. The girlfriend my wife and I shared was first my lover before my wife's. She is married about 30 years now and I socialized with her husband who was OK in sharing her with me. I was her primary lover. I never wore a condom but he had to. At first we were gung ho with the new relationships but after about 9 years it got boring and all the excitement we had went away. I no longer cared as much if we kept seeing her and in fact, saw her less and less each year. Even my wife lost her initial excitement with her girlfriend. My wife says that given enough time you will find someone better than your spouse that you love more. That is just our genetic programming. However you will then find someone better than your new lover. The grass is always greener thing and at some point you need to settle for what you have .

            One last thing. Change jobs or do whatever you can to not see your lover every day. So not text or call. I actually moved out of State once because I wanted to leave my wife for a girl I worked with. No matter how much I pushed her away we always ended up back together again. It was then that I found out that we can become addicted to lovers and despite any consequences or promises we make, we cannot help but keep seeing them despite the consequences. I was advised that in these circumstances the best thing to do is move far away. That is not practical for most, but for me it was doable and so we moved far away. Yet when at malls I always felt that I saw that woman even though it was impossible. I was hooked on her and I did not even like her as a person. When I was near her I was drawn like a moth to a flame so I removed myself from the situation as hard as it was to do. I will tell you what I have told others and women I have dated me while I was married but wanted me to themselves and did not want to share me with my wife, "it will not end well". It never did so think carefully. I have had better sex with women other than my wife. I dealt with the fashion industry and Victoria's Secrets and others were my clients so I saw models all the time and I was easy on the eyes. I have been with smarter and funnier woman than my wife. I have been attracted to other women more than my wife but in the end, it is my wife that I pledged to spend the rest of my life with and knew that I could go from women to women and believe me, when you are old you need someone who loves you to take care of you. I chose my wife and although we played with others a few times, less than 7 others in 46 years which is a slow month to many married people we know, we put our marriage first. Think carefully before you act because the odds are against you to begin with. As my friend found out when he married the girl he was dating who was cheating on her husband, he could never trust her since he knew that she cheated on her last husband. Sure enough 5 years later she cheated on him and divorce him. She even tried to entice me. She is a masseuse and at her husband's urging gave me a massage that almost ended in a happy ending. I knew then that she was not someone to stay with one guy for long. She only wants to be around for the NRE and then find another to play with.


            • #7
              Been married to the same guy for 4 decades and I can say that no one NEEDS to be polyamorous in order to be happy sexually. Its the lazy that seek out others rather then keep things fresh and exciting at home with the person they have chosen to be their life mate.

              Of course there are those that are issued psychologically due to childhood abuse, bi-polar episodes of hyper-sexuality and other issues of self-worth/esteem that lead them to become addicted to new relationship energy. Those are the ones that monogamous people should stay away from, obviously. Sadly, monogamous people of a codependent nature often get involved and too addicted to realize they're not actually happy sharing.

              ... so it seems.
              Last edited by phasesofthemoon; July 13th, 2018, 04:26 PM.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!