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  • Losing friends?

    Hi everyone, this is my first post here!

    I had a rough relationship period as a teenager and lost a couple of friends. Over the last 8 years I have only lost 2, but both were very close. One of those 2 friendships I chose to end. This has left me with a few questions.

    1. Is it normal to be 30 and have 5 people who won't talk to you? Am I horrible at friendship or am I just being overly worried?
    2. Is it normal to lose 2 close friends in 8 years?

    I am so worried about friendship loss. I feel like it's a statement about who I am, but I can also recognise that interpersonal difficulties are a normal part of growing up and in that way I'm no different to anybody else.

    any advice or opinions are more than welcome!

  • #2
    There isn't always a "normal" with relationships because they're so reliant on context. Why did you end one of those friendships? And how did you lose the other friendship?
    Why won't those 5 people talk to you?

    Friendships can fizzle out or break up for so many reasons that we really need the context before we can offer any advice about what it might be.

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    • #3
      Hi Reece,

      thank you for your response. I chose to end one friendship due to that person treating me with increasing disrespect and disregard, it's a little more complicated than that, but that's the basic gist. With the other, we basically just drifted apart to the point where talking was awkward.

      As for the 5 people who won't talk to me, 3 of them we're involved in a group conflict in high school (very normal for teenage girls) and the other 2 were the result of a share house situation gone wrong.

      on the whole, I have many friends and no issues maintaining good friendships. It's just the handful of loses that have stuck with me

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      • #4
        Originally posted by Saccades View Post
        Hi Reece,

        thank you for your response. I chose to end one friendship due to that person treating me with increasing disrespect and disregard, it's a little more complicated than that, but that's the basic gist. With the other, we basically just drifted apart to the point where talking was awkward.

        As for the 5 people who won't talk to me, 3 of them we're involved in a group conflict in high school (very normal for teenage girls) and the other 2 were the result of a share house situation gone wrong.

        on the whole, I have many friends and no issues maintaining good friendships. It's just the handful of loses that have stuck with me
        Well it's perfectly understandable to cut someone off if they were treating you badly, and the drifting apart of friendships is pretty common as we get older. Sometimes we just grow apart from people if our lives don't sync up very well and one or both parties feel like keeping the friendship going is too much effort. I think it's a significant point that these losses have "stuck" with you. You mention you're 30, yet three of the people who won't speak to you were involved in high school conflict. That's a long time for people to still be feuding, and I highly doubt it's worth the time and energy. It's easy for me to say this because I'm not emotionally involved in those relationships and I can understand why the losses will have stayed with you, but I think that letting them go is something you will have to personally seek to do.

        I have an issue with cutting off friendships which are harmful or fading and I always feel horrendous if I've lost a friend because I feel it's my fault or that there's always something more I could do to salvage the friendship. I've learned that if the friendship was that valuable, I wouldn't be sat round thinking about it, I'd be mending it already. It does not reflect who you are as a person in this instance, because you're not losing a lot of friends constantly for the same reason. You've either broke it off or let them naturally fade out, and that is the fate of a lot of friendships. I know it might seem like a lot to lose two close friends in 8 years, but allow yourself to recognise that there are perfectly rational and understandable reasons for those losses and that it just happens to be your personal circumstances. Don't compare your friendships with other people's or analyse the numbers of how many friends lost in x amount of time. Just accept that's how it went and focus on the friendships you do have.

        I really am sorry that breaking those friendships has been so difficult for you, it's very often not acknowledged that losing a friend can hurt just as much as going through a romantic break up, if not more. Focus on the now and let the past be past. In my opinion, you are not any different to anyone else in terms of friendship loss, and have dealt with the circumstances in which you are personally in. Best of luck


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        • #5
          Well, I'm 55 and everybody talks to me, but I don't consider them my friends or myself their friend. At the moment I only have one true friend.

          You would be only horrible at friendships if you were either never getting new friends or getting new friends and losing them at the same rate or faster. That would show a problem with you. Losing 2 friends in 8 years sounds as normal as possible, considering that we are talking about a situation with so many variables we cannot control.

          Life happens, and people have to choose between keeping their friends and following their ideals, so it's natural that sometimes friends get put aside.

          Don't worry, you are still young and I'm sure you will find more friends than those you will lose.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Reese View Post

            Well it's perfectly understandable to cut someone off if they were treating you badly, and the drifting apart of friendships is pretty common as we get older. Sometimes we just grow apart from people if our lives don't sync up very well and one or both parties feel like keeping the friendship going is too much effort. I think it's a significant point that these losses have "stuck" with you. You mention you're 30, yet three of the people who won't speak to you were involved in high school conflict. That's a long time for people to still be feuding, and I highly doubt it's worth the time and energy. It's easy for me to say this because I'm not emotionally involved in those relationships and I can understand why the losses will have stayed with you, but I think that letting them go is something you will have to personally seek to do.

            I have an issue with cutting off friendships which are harmful or fading and I always feel horrendous if I've lost a friend because I feel it's my fault or that there's always something more I could do to salvage the friendship. I've learned that if the friendship was that valuable, I wouldn't be sat round thinking about it, I'd be mending it already. It does not reflect who you are as a person in this instance, because you're not losing a lot of friends constantly for the same reason. You've either broke it off or let them naturally fade out, and that is the fate of a lot of friendships. I know it might seem like a lot to lose two close friends in 8 years, but allow yourself to recognise that there are perfectly rational and understandable reasons for those losses and that it just happens to be your personal circumstances. Don't compare your friendships with other people's or analyse the numbers of how many friends lost in x amount of time. Just accept that's how it went and focus on the friendships you do have.

            I really am sorry that breaking those friendships has been so difficult for you, it's very often not acknowledged that losing a friend can hurt just as much as going through a romantic break up, if not more. Focus on the now and let the past be past. In my opinion, you are not any different to anyone else in terms of friendship loss, and have dealt with the circumstances in which you are personally in. Best of luck

            Thank you! I really appreciate the effort you took to write that up for me! You're right that the main issue is me hanging onto old wounds for decades, that's something I'll need to start working at.

            Comment


            • #7

              Saccades I'm sorry for your rough relationship as a teenager and your lost friendships. You're not that much different from millions of people including me. Friends will come and go throughout your lifetime. Old ones drop, new friends enter your life, then friendships drift apart and the new cycle begins all over again.

              You're not alone. I too dropped certain friends and even extended family members due to being treated with disrespect and dishonor. Like you, I mourned my losses, too and then eventually thought the better of it and considered these "losses" as actual "wins." Anytime, a person or persons disrespect and dishonor you or lack empathy for you, it is time to cut them loose because they are toxic for your soul. You are mismatched and certain people cause nothing but unnecessary, unneeded and unwanted stress, pain, hurt feelings and heartache.

              1. Yes, it's normal when you're 30 and 5 people won't talk to you. Try not to take it personally even though we all do. People become "blah," lose interest and many times they do not care about a certain person whether it's you or me. There is an indifferent attitude which is universal human nature. No, don't be overly worried. As mentioned previously, that's life and it's realistic throughout your lifetime.

              2. Yes, it's normal to lose 2 close friends within 8 years. It's happened to me in less than 8 years!

              Try not to worry about friendship loss. HS was long ago and I don't have any friends from HS. However, I'm meeting my BFF from 4th grade tomorrow for a walk and lunch but it's rare. She was my maid-of-honor, our families knew each other decades ago so my situation is unique. Having said that, I don't have a lot of friends; just a few at best. I do not regard acquaintances as "friends" either.

              My opinions regarding friends may not be popular but here goes. It really depends on your personality and what you're willing to give to the friendship while keep in mind friends require a lot of time, energy and resources.

              My sister has approximately 1000 social media friends, a ton of friends from her church, her 3 children's parochial schools, her neighborhood, organized sports and community. She constantly attends every birthday party, grad party, wedding / baby showers, sales parties, anniversary parties, holiday parties, volunteers at church / school, goes out to lunch with friends. It's exhausting, time-consuming not to mention a very expensive lifestyle! Btw, she doesn't respect and admire her lech, obnoxiously rude husband so she gloms onto her social life. Having "friends" is way overrated.

              Instead of having a ton of 'Good Time Charlies' in my life, I prefer to spend time with my husband and children. Everyone else doesn't matter.

              I have a few high quality friends who are not energy vampires. Most of the time, I have free bird status as my friends are very low-maintenance and none of us have what my sister has which is the"keeping up with the Joneses" mentality.

              I'm learning to enjoy solitude a lot. I enjoy working out, dieting and after that I'm exhausted. I immerse myself into good books, great movies, cooking, crafts, hobbies, outings, being with woman's best friend, my Golden Retriever and after all that, I don't have any spare time left! I once pitied myself but once I became busy doing my own thing, my longing for friendship disappeared.

              Keep in mind that the more you are into yourself, the higher your self-esteem and self-confidence grows. You won't even have to try to attract friends because you'll start to turn heads and suddenly it is they who are clamoring to befriend YOU. I've noticed those who are into their own happy lives automatically attract friends both old and new without any effort whatsoever. Then it will be your turn to become more discriminating and since your time is limited due to loving yourself more, you'll be very picky and choosy regarding who has the privilege of being your friend(s).
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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