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Would you tell a friend if you knew her husband was cheating?

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  • Would you tell a friend if you knew her husband was cheating?

    Would you tell a friend if you knew for sure her husband was cheating and bragging to all of his friends about the details of the sex? She will know I knew about it if she catches him. Her husband told my husband all the disgusting details and showed him photos (nude and clothed) of the skank he is having sex with and told him not to tell me! My husband and I tell each other everything. The next time we see them he will know I know because the disgust I have for him will show all over my face. We are couple friends with them and go on trips together, go out on the weekends for dinner, go to each others houses to watch movies and play cards...etc. Also we are not young, we are all in our 50’s, the girl he is cheating with is in her 20’s. Yuck.

  • #2
    Yes, specially if he has been advertising it to other people.

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    • #3
      Since your are both his and her friend, I would tell him that either he tells her about his infidelity or you will. You best tell your husband what you're going to do though because I'm pretty sure he told you what he knew in confidence. If your hubby is on board with doing what I suggest then by all means go ahead. However; if hubby doesn't want you to do that, then the next thing I'd be doing is discussing with hubby why we shouldn't hang around with them anymore since his behavior goes totally against what we consider right.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
        Since your are both his and her friend, I would tell him that either he tells her about his infidelity or you will. You best tell your husband what you're going to do though because I'm pretty sure he told you what he knew in confidence. If your hubby is on board with doing what I suggest then by all means go ahead. However; if hubby doesn't want you to do that, then the next thing I'd be doing is discussing with hubby why we shouldn't hang around with them anymore since his behavior goes totally against what we consider right.
        Thank you for your advice! And yes, husband told me and told me not to say anything. It goes against my whole being to lie. Just the part that this skum bag told my husband of 37 years to keep something from me pisses me off! He is asking my husband to be a liar just like him and that shows his true character in my eyes. Oh ...I have a big mouth and can’t hide stuff like this. So I will probably lose this dude as a friend and so will my hubby. Not a big loss for me, but will be for my husband. I think I will tell the cheater that he crossed a boundary in our friendship and not to ever be that comfortable in telling MY husband to not tell me stuff again. That if he plans on not telling his wife that I am gonna tell her. And then I will run off.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Doxie View Post

          Thank you for your advice! And yes, husband told me and told me not to say anything. It goes against my whole being to lie. Just the part that this skum bag told my husband of 37 years to keep something from me pisses me off! He is asking my husband to be a liar just like him and that shows his true character in my eyes. Oh ...I have a big mouth and can’t hide stuff like this. So I will probably lose this dude as a friend and so will my hubby. Not a big loss for me, but will be for my husband. I think I will tell the cheater that he crossed a boundary in our friendship and not to ever be that comfortable in telling MY husband to not tell me stuff again. That if he plans on not telling his wife that I am gonna tell her. And then I will run off.
          If you do that, then You will be betraying your husband. He told you what he knew in confidence so don't to anything until you speak to hubby and you get his approval. No sense putting your own marriage in a snafu over some turds behavior.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Doxie I'm on board with your husband regarding not getting involved in other people's messes. Sometimes ignorance is bliss and staying out of other people's personal business. It's their problem, not mine. not yours. Focus on your own life and marriage and whatever happens to other people is their own doing and something they're responsible for; not you nor your husband. For safety reasons, it's better to have emotional detachment from others. No sense entangling yourself unnecessarily IMHO.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              Yall have helped me tremendously! Thank you for taking your time for reading and offering advice. I am just gonna keep my distance from the guy so he will not know I know as soon as he sees my face. My marriage is the most important thing to me in the world, along with my kids and grand daughters. So I could not betray my hubby’s trust in telling me about the slimy stuff friend is doing to his wife behind her back. Even though I would love to smack him I will not. But geesh I will never be able to have couple fun with them again, ever. Thank yall again because if not for your advice I would have run my mouth and had a mad husband.
              Last edited by Doxie; July 2nd, 2018, 09:23 PM.

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              • #8
                Doxie Wise thinking on your part. Think before you speak or run your mouth off because while you think you're "helping" your friend, your intentions could very well backfire into more disaster than it already is.

                Same thing with electronic communication and then on top of that, there are viruses, hackers, worms, people save and forward your messages, etc.

                And, yes, your marriage and family life takes top priority. Allow your friend and her husband to deal with their own tumultuous marriage because it's their life, not yours. You know your place now.

                Keep in mind friendships come and go and evolve over time. It's happened to me, too and everyone else on this planet. I've had so many friends and while it was fun to do couples outings and have loads of fun together, many of them divorced, moved away or our previous relationships fizzled and faded away due to lack of interest. It also happens as your children grow up, too. You won't have what you once had in common and not everyone has the energy, enthusiasm and desire to continue nurturing and maintaining every friendship. We certainly shared many good times together but accept that life and friendships change beyond your and anyone's control. Go with the flow even if it's not the direction you expected. And, most of all, let people live their own lives (including complicated, messy lives) and make their own decisions while you go your own separate ways without them.

                Keep a safe distance always and always err on the side of caution. It's better to keep your mouth shut and not suffer regrets and unnecessary, harsh consequences as an aftermath. You don't want to deal with regrets. With all due respect, MYOB. This is what I do after having learned the hard way!

                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                • #9
                  Doxie Don your best unemotional poker face. Act natural. Remain polite but not chummy. Remain indifferent. Live your own life. What happens to other people's lives or marriages are their business and no one else's.
                  "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                  • #10
                    Update...
                    The guy having the affair knows I know about it because he slipped up and said something to me.so...
                    last night my husband got a text that my husband showed me from the guy having affair on his wife “I should be ashamed for showing you these pictures” what followed was disgusting. So I texted him back on hubbys phone “with hub’s ok” “ we are not interested in hearing or seeing this anymore. We are lifelong, honest partners and we choose honest, good moral people to hang out with. If this is going to be an ongoing thing with you we are not gonna hang out with you until you fix up your mess with your wife. We dont want to be a part of your lies anymore. “

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                    • #11
                      Your husband seems to be a bit of a troublemaker. He knows you are a ticking time bomb and emotional about it and he shows you a dumb text from people who shouldn't matter to the both of you anymore. That's a stupid move on his part. If you ask me he shouldn't have shown it to you or upset you and that text should have been deleted and the contacts BLOCKED (ie ph number BLOCKED). I'd suggest you check yourself and the way your husband deals with idiot matters. Don't let him or his friends get you riled up and if you're smart you should be figuring out why your husband lacks a spine.

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                      • #12
                        I hate when people butt into my personal life so I stay out of theirs. One reason of several, not to tell would be that she knows it and rather look the other way as long as he is discrete about it. Now if someone tells her, she is forced to take some sort of action and anything less than divorce will be seen as a weakness and/or troubled marriage when they are perfectly happy. Real story. I saw my friend kissing and making out with a women who lived down the block from him. On several other occasions they would kiss. I did not tell his wife. A year later I found out that they were not in a monogamous marriage and did not want others to know. The only reason we found out was because they asked us to wife swap with them and that took us by surprise.

                        Other reason can be that it is just a fling or one night stand and would never happen again. But once the wife knows, you have destroyed her world. Just stay out of other people's lives because your action can greatly affect them and not in the way you think it would. Many people take pleasure in other people's misery. In fact it is so common that the Germans even have a word for it: "
                        Schadenfreude".
                        I guess what I am saying is not to impose your morality on other people. Sometimes not knowing is the best thing.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by VinnyFL View Post
                          I hate when people butt into my personal life so I stay out of theirs. One reason of several, not to tell would be that she knows it and rather look the other way as long as he is discrete about it. Now if someone tells her, she is forced to take some sort of action and anything less than divorce will be seen as a weakness and/or troubled marriage when they are perfectly happy. Real story. I saw my friend kissing and making out with a women who lived down the block from him. On several other occasions they would kiss. I did not tell his wife. A year later I found out that they were not in a monogamous marriage and did not want others to know. The only reason we found out was because they asked us to wife swap with them and that took us by surprise.

                          Other reason can be that it is just a fling or one night stand and would never happen again. But once the wife knows, you have destroyed her world. Just stay out of other people's lives because your action can greatly affect them and not in the way you think it would. Many people take pleasure in other people's misery. In fact it is so common that the Germans even have a word for it: "
                          Schadenfreude".
                          I guess what I am saying is not to impose your morality on other people. Sometimes not knowing is the best thing.
                          Hypothetically, if the wife doesn't want to know, and would end the marriage if she found out, she is not polygamous. She is turning a blind eye to something that hurts her, but she is not polygamous by choice or by conviction. That's not realy polyamorie, in which case they are not compatibe and better of getting divorced so they can pursue a relationship with someone more compatible.

                          Not knowing is never better.
                          You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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                          • #14
                            Just because some have a NEED to know it doesn't mean that "not knowing is never better." People have had very successful, loving and long term functioning relationships with one another because they are considered the primary partner and are given significance and shown value. Some men and some women understand that they are not able to accommodate their partners libido and therefore are quite happy to be treated as the primary partner as long as the other's extracurricular activities are kept discreet and not brought into the primary relationship in any way.

                            I say with respect, Ayla... "not knowing is never better" would be your personal preference and that of many others but its not best for all. Who are we as outsiders to decide what a cheated on partner would prefer? I think its especially onus to out a cheater when one doesn't even know the person that is being cheated on because after telling, you (general you) would not be there to support her/him through their pain.

                            JMNSHO
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              yes, obvisouly I will inform my friends about this issue. Because I always want that my friends would be happy forever.

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