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Best friend in a terrible relationship

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  • Best friend in a terrible relationship

    This is probably be long, just a fair warning. My best friend of over 15 years is with a piece of sh*t of a man. They have been together for 2 years, but she got pregnant almost immediately after they met. Over the course of their relationship heís made her quit her job, move into his grandparents house an hour away from her family, get rid of her animals, stop speaking to her friends, and talked her into getting a credit card that ďhe would payĒ. Sheís not allowed to leave the house unless itís for groceries or a doctors appointment. She canít ask him about his money and if she needs gas, food, hygiene products or anything she has to ask her mom to send her money because her card has been maxed out for a year and heís never paid on it. He hasnít bought a SINGLE thing for his daughter. My husband and I do everything for our godchild so weíve gotten most of what sheís needed. Her bf doesnít stand up to his family when they talk down to her, he doesnít support her parenting choices, but he has never done anything to care for the baby himself. Heís never fed her, bathed her, anything at all. My friend isnít allowed to hang out with his friends when he goes anywhere, we picked her and the baby up once to have lunch and he called her cussing and screaming because she was ďout running the roads and his family will think sheís trashĒ He doesnít come home after work because heís at he bar or doing something with his druggy friends. Heís told her he doesnít love her anymore before and heís just all around a sorry excuse for a human. But she WILL NOT leave. I donít know what to do, Iíve tried being gentle, Iíve offered to help her move, and Iíve even written certain things down that he says that are so hateful, but she just doesnít see it. She says she loves him and would give her last breath for him. Yet he wouldnít care if she was brutally murdered. After hearing about him and seeing everything he does for so long I feel like I canít deal with it anymore. I canít listen to her cry and vent to me if she wonít change anything. She literally believes the same thing he says over and over. I canít comprehend how she thinks he loves her. Iím just in a bad situation because sheís my best and only friend and I love my god child more than anything, I canít keep listening to this though. I canít support her being in such an unhealthy relationship. I donít know what to tell her.

  • #2
    Unfortunately, until your friend sees that he doesn't care about her or their child she isn't going to change a thing.

    If I was you I would keep on her side as much as possible, to try to be there when she finally realises she doesn't need him.

    Good luck.

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    • #3
      You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. You've led her to water now leave her to it. She must have had a really troubled childhood to think that what she has with him is "love."
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        Her parents hated each other for the last 12 years they were together. They lived in the same house but had separate rooms and her dad was very controlling of her mom. When Savannah was 16 her mom finally left, she literally had to run away.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Lani5601 View Post
          Her parents hated each other for the last 12 years they were together. They lived in the same house but had separate rooms and her dad was very controlling of her mom. When Savannah was 16 her mom finally left, she literally had to run away.
          Well, then that explains why she's in a relationship wherein she's basically married her father.

          They say we all either marry someone just like our mother or just like our father. Her life with him is all she's ever known and that is why she doesn't think she deserves any more then what this turd partner offers her.

          I think you should just be there for her if she ever gets the light bulb moment that she can have better but don't let her complain about him anymore. Tell her she knows your opinion of him and until she's ready to change her situation then there is no point just complaining about while she continues to stay. Then change the subject after telling her that if she actually does anything tangible to change her situation that you will be there to support her.
          Last edited by phasesofthemoon; July 2nd, 2018, 05:38 PM.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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          • #6
            Lani5601 There's only so much you can do and after that, you need to back off. Even though you are the godmother, you're only human and cannot save the world for your friend and her daughter.

            I was in your shoes a few years ago for a neighbor who was married to an alcoholic and since divorced and my cousin who is still entrapped in her nightmarish marriage. Both women were in horrible marriages which had gone down the drain. I did everything I could, brought a steady stream of homemade dinners to them, gave practical, wonderful gifts galore, gift cards, chauffeured them, spent a ton of money, poured my blood, sweat and tears into them until I burned out. Hope this doesn't happen to you and your husband. My sympathy card ran out.

            Just know that even though you feel compassionate towards your friend's plight, it is her life based on her choices and there is only so much you can do realistically. You have your limits. You cannot be other people's hero. All you can be is a good listener and do what you can within reason and without affecting your stress levels and own mental well-being for your marriage and home life. If you burn out as I did, know your new boundaries with others.

            Btw, I married a man who was the exact opposite of my alcoholic, wife beater father who knocked my mother's teeth out numerous times. She can just now get around to affording broken and missing teeth repaired and replaced courtesy of my late father whom my mother eventually divorced and not a day too soon. I sure as hell wasn't about to marry a man just like dear old dad.

            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              My husband has gotten to the point that heís done saving her. I donít feel bad for her anymore because she knows her options but chooses to stay. But I canít help but feel sorry for baby K, she just turned a year old and I feel like this is the best time for her to leave so she wonít be so deeply affected. She still tries to vent to me and I canít reply to her because Iíve said everything I possibly can. Itís not fair that such a shitty guy is doing this to a lifelong friendship.

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              • #8
                Lani5601 I commend you and your husband for all that you did for her and her daughter. I'm sure you feel sorry for baby K but it's out of your realm. In order to save your own sanity, begin feeling emotionally detached to them otherwise their stress will become your stress and impact your marriage and household. Know your own personal boundaries with others especially in order to save your own mental health.

                I agree, life isn't fair. It's the real world. Back off and let go.

                I had to back off and let go of those with insurmountable problems, too.

                You need to give others space and allow them to live their own lives even if it is awful.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                • #9
                  It's time to let go.
                  Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they learn. Having you keeps her from hitting rock bottom and seeing exactly how aweful her situation is.
                  Let her fall.
                  You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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                  • #10
                    Do you suspect that there is any physical violence? Or does he threaten physical violence? As they have a child, does he threaten her with taking the child away/harming the child? These are all very powerful things which make people stay in abusive relationships.

                    When you talk to your friend, ensure that she knows that love is irrelevant if the relationship is unhealthy. Just because you're in love with someone doesn't mean they can't hurt you. Does she want her child to grow up with those things happening around them? If she really won't see reason, then it's true there really isn't much you can do. Very often, victims of abuse defend their abuser because of shame or because they really feel they are justified in their actions. Be there for her when you can, make sure she knows there's a way out.

                    I know that letting her be and to see how bad her situation is may work, and it happens for a lot of women and they finally leave. Some women never get out. Keep enough of an eye out for her safety if nothing else.

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                    • #11
                      No physical violence, just the constant verbal and mental abuse. Heís told her that ďhis mom knows people and could easily get the baby taken away.Ē But thatís not true, sheís in no way unfit and the baby doesnít go without. He has no interest in being a dad or being with her so I donít understand why he says things like that to her.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Lani5601 View Post
                        No physical violence, just the constant verbal and mental abuse. Heís told her that ďhis mom knows people and could easily get the baby taken away.Ē But thatís not true, sheís in no way unfit and the baby doesnít go without. He has no interest in being a dad or being with her so I donít understand why he says things like that to her.
                        He says things like that to her to retain control. He knows she isn't a bad mother, but he is creating a reality for himself and everyone else that she is a bad one. He may lie so much that he believes it himself. Abusers quite easily believe that the people they have physically battered got their bruises by accident, even though they are fully aware of their own lies, they live by them like they're gospel.

                        It is really important that he does not succeed in isolating her from everyone who cares about her, because then it will be so much easier for her to be swallowed up in all the lies and the gaslighting until she is convinced she is a terrible mother who deserves to have her child taken away. Loving someone makes it very easy for them to chip away at your confidence until you're completely reliant and dependent on them.


                        Your friend will perhaps defend him, declare she loves him, insist on staying by his side. You need to listen to her, be patient and give her an outlet for everything she has to say. She needs a reliable friend who can keep reality in check and who isn't ripped away from her by the abuser. Abusers isolate so they can lie and gaslight and nobody is around to witness the truth. Ignore the abuser and don't confront him, because you'll only end up making the situation worse. You will do so much good by being supportive of your friend and to keep trying to remind her of the warning signs of abuse, and letting her know that these things aren't normal or acceptable behaviour. It may take a very long time, but hopefully she will eventually see the truth about him.

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