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Is it wrong to expect love and friendship or am I living in lala land

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  • Is it wrong to expect love and friendship or am I living in lala land

    Have always been a romantic at heart. I love watching braveheart and see the kind of love that can exist between two human beings. Am I expecting too much or that kind of love just exist in movies, Is that too much pressure on my hubby

  • #2
    I don't know exactly what kind of love you are talking about, as I don't know Braveheart, but I think we expect to find love.

    When we are born, in normal circumstances, we are received with at least a little love, and we accept it naturally. When we grow we are still expecting to find love, in family and friends, until we reach the age at which we think we need a different kind of love, a love that can give us, with luck, children of our own that we can love in a special way.

    In my case, being single, without children and with only one true friend, I find myself a little alone, even though I always thought that I was a loner, so I guess humans really expect love and friendship.


    • #3
      I don't think it's wrong per se, just not helpful if you're not getting it. It's more beneficial to think about what love and friendship you're actually getting and appreciate what you have. If you feel you're missing something, communicate that with your loved ones and it may be something you can work on together.

      As you mention Braveheart, not that I've seen it, I'm assuming you're talking about romance in movies and why you can't translate that kind of love into your relationship? Because it's fake. I know that's the harsh reality of it and not exactly what you probably want to hear, but let go of romantic movie fantasies or they will ruin your real-life relationships. I grew up expecting fairy tale romances and I got one, for a while. Fast-moving, incredibly loving, said all the right things, roses and candles, showered me with affection and adoration. He was everything I had imagined a fairy tale prince to be - until he wasn't. Until I realised that candles and roses and compliments did little to cover up all the belittling and the shouting and the verbal abuse. All the empty, meaningless movie BS stopped me from recognising what was actually important. The important thing is that they love you and care about you and try to show it, even if it's not in the stereotypical movie ways. Trying to be like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook or any other movie men really is an unfair expectation to ask of anyone (not that it's a great example of a perfect relationship by any means because it isn't). That's a really good point though, in that a lot of women watch The Notebook YEARNING for a relationship like that. I personally used to do the same. But we ignored that he blackmailed her into a date with suicide threats and that she constantly hit him, they constantly fought and had very few communication skills between them.

      We all want and need attention and love and friendship and most of us don't want to be left alone for too long. I would just try to think about what is really important, because all the fluffed up movie-romances are missing the real element: we are human. Your partner is sometimes going to say the wrong thing, or at least not take advantage of an opportunity to say what you think is the right thing. Your partner will come with their own set of flaws like yours, maybe they're really messy, or constantly late or maybe they really don't see the point in buying you flowers to watch them die in a vase on the table or maybe they don't know when you need to talk or to be left alone. Maybe they're really, really bad at having "deep" conversations. Maybe they can be inconsiderate of your feelings sometimes. We need to get better collectively at recognising that nobody is perfect all the time and sometimes we really screw up.

      The best partners are not the ones who never screw up. The best partners are the ones who recognise when they do, the ones who can apologise and self-reflect, the ones who care about your needs and will tell you theirs. The best partners are the ones who don't make you sit around wishing for a fairy tale man to rescue you. When I had my "fairy-tale" guy, I sat around wishing for a man who above all just cared about my feelings.

      Stop looking for the fairy tale signals like buying flowers or declarations of undying love. Look for the ways that your partner shows he loves you, because there's no one way to love.


      • #4
        Using movies or other fictional characters as an example is setting the bar extremely high.
        There's a reason this is called fiction. Love, real love, takes place in an imperfect world between imperfect people, much unlike movies or books.

        If you want to set the standards high enough, but be realistic, look at your environment for examples to live by.
        Do you know any cute older couples who are still going strong in their love for each other (I say love, not passion because it's next to impossible to keep flaming passion alive for more than a few years)?
        If you do, ask them what their secrets are to a happy marriage.
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf


        • #5
          Originally posted by lr321 View Post
          Have always been a romantic at heart. I love watching braveheart and see the kind of love that can exist between two human beings. Am I expecting too much or that kind of love just exist in movies, Is that too much pressure on my hubby
          Didn't Braveheart get gutted at the end of that movie? O.O

          I'm a realist so I'm going to refrain from answering your fantasy wish.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!


          • #6
            I believe true love exists but in today's society it is no longer exists because many people break up and they expect to live happily ever theme in their relationships or marriages. It does not work that way and love is hard work. You have to work hard in the relationships.