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  • Donít know what to do with my best friend

    So for the past 6 months, things have been very hard between my best friend of 3 years and I. Things really started getting bad 6 months ago when I traveled out to see him for a visit since he lives kinda long distance. I had been soooo excited to see him, cause he truly is my best friend, and I hadnít seen him in such a long time. But we talked ALL the time, like literally almost 24/7. However things quickly got bad when I finally got there. He had his face buried into his phone 85% of the time because he was texting a girl he had recently met. He made me feel like he could have cared less if I was there. Even when he knew how excited I was to see him. I even rented a car and drove 7 hours just to see him. Plus it was Ohio, itís not like I was going out there so I could go to the beach or go to Disney World. So while annoyed, by the time I left (stayed for a week) I was like whatever and moved on.

    Then things just went back to normal. We kept texting all the time like always. Things REALLY shot bad come around mid-March. He would start ignoring me from time to time. Me, someone who genuinely cares about our friendship, was really getting worried and upset by all this. So I texted him and confronted him about it cause I prefer t fix things with people I care about instead of just throwing him away. I told him ever since this girl showed up in his life and he started making new friends, he had been acting slightly distant with me. And it hurt. So he got mad at me saying he didnít change, I was just assuming stuff, and saying how much it pisses him off when I assume stuff. So it was a huge argument and I suggested we take a break for a while to just cool off, so we did just that.

    Literally like three days after that, I found out he was dating that girl (which would explain why he was acting different) after he lied to me just a few days prior saying she was just a friend and nothing was different between us. I was so pissed. Because he got mad at me for assuming, when my assumptions were right in the first place. So ever since, I decided to keep giving him space since thatís how he wants to act when he has a girlfriend now. He still texts me somewhat often but Iím a bit shorter in my responses now. Even though I still care about him greatly, I just donít know what to say anymore because Iím so disappointed. Like heís my only super close friend. I have other friends but he was always my go to person and we talked about everything.

    Now my birthday was just recent, May 19th. I saw this as his chance to finally prove he actually gives a crap about me. But my birthday came and went, didnít even hear from him. I was crushed. I didnít even get ANYTHING from him. I finally heard from him the day after. Like I donít expect much from him materialistically but all I wanted was a card. I just wanted him to show SOME effort with our friendshIp, especially because Iíve always given everything to our friendship, Iíve always been there for him. Heís the kind of friend I would drop everything for and drive 7 hours to see him if something was wrong. Hell, through our friendship Iíve even gone as far as to send him care packages full of food since heís in college still and money is super tight for him and he canít afford much food for himself. Iím also the friend who would actually plan his birthday months in advance, and actually get excited about what to get him for his birthday. So I would get him birthday presents as well as Christmas presents. So I think thatís why Iím so crushed Iím not even worth a cheap little card to him.

    A few days later I found out he was at the beach with his girlfriend so he probably didnít even think to wish me a happy birthday until it was too late.

    So I donít know what to do with our friendship anymore. Like I still care about him but the way heís acting lately, it just doesnít seem like he even cares anymore. It seems like all he cares about is his girlfriend, and itís been so hard on me. He says he still cares about me when I talk to him about it but the way I see it, actions speak louder than words. What should I do?

  • #2
    You need to stop caring and learn to let go. Cut your losses and move on. That's what you should do. He has not proven himself to be worthy of your time, energy, care, love and resources. You're spent and drained dry.

    You are in the same spot where I was a few years ago. My story isn't the same as yours but there are parallels. I have a cousin who resides 400 miles away. We visited one another once or twice a year. I shipped or postal mailed a lot of gift cards, care packages of expensive gifts, made homemade quilts and shipped those up north, gave her handbags, shoes and lot of merchandise because I wanted to be a big sister figure to her. I also wanted to make her feel better given that she was in a miserable, entrapped marriage. She never acknowledged my birthday, never even asked when it was. I asked my mother why and she said because my cousin did NOT care. I didn't even expect a birthday greeting card. A text or quick email would've sufficed and wouldn't have costed her anything but no, I didn't even receive that. Like you, I too became fed up. That wasn't the reason for our estrangement though. That story is for another day. I just wanted to tell you that often times people regardless of gender simply do NOT care what you do for them. They use you, take advantage of you and spit you out. They're selfish and you just need to be very careful regarding whom you choose to be in your life in the future.

    This is the time to walk (away). It takes time for bad memories to become a distant blur as it is currently for me which is healthy. I hope this will happen to you, too. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there. Dump the loser.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      You do realise you're not his girlfriend, right?

      You seem to have very high expectations of him and of your "friendship".
      Why do you feel that your friendship and its intensity should be decided by you and only you?

      Friendships evolve. I spent a lot more time with my friends when I was happily single - obviously. I had a lot more time.
      I spent a lot more time with my friends while I was in college and not working- obviously.
      I spent a lot more time with my high school friends while I was still living in my home town and not across the country like I do now - obviously.

      Maybe you need to be a bit more flexible about this friendship of yours and let it take on whatever shape feels good for BOTH of you.
      Just because you'd like to be the centre of his universe all the time, doesn't mean he feels the same.
      After all, he does have a girlfriend... and she comes first.
      If you'd get a boyfriend and he'd be texting his girl best friend all the time and spending his time with her instead of you, I'm sure you'd kick his ass to the curb.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by chanelle View Post
        You need to stop caring and learn to let go. Cut your losses and move on. That's what you should do. He has not proven himself to be worthy of your time, energy, care, love and resources. You're spent and drained dry.

        You are in the same spot where I was a few years ago. My story isn't the same as yours but there are parallels. I have a cousin who resides 400 miles away. We visited one another once or twice a year. I shipped or postal mailed a lot of gift cards, care packages of expensive gifts, made homemade quilts and shipped those up north, gave her handbags, shoes and lot of merchandise because I wanted to be a big sister figure to her. I also wanted to make her feel better given that she was in a miserable, entrapped marriage. She never acknowledged my birthday, never even asked when it was. I asked my mother why and she said because my cousin did NOT care. I didn't even expect a birthday greeting card. A text or quick email would've sufficed and wouldn't have costed her anything but no, I didn't even receive that. Like you, I too became fed up. That wasn't the reason for our estrangement though. That story is for another day. I just wanted to tell you that often times people regardless of gender simply do NOT care what you do for them. They use you, take advantage of you and spit you out. They're selfish and you just need to be very careful regarding whom you choose to be in your life in the future.

        This is the time to walk (away). It takes time for bad memories to become a distant blur as it is currently for me which is healthy. I hope this will happen to you, too. I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there. Dump the loser.
        Thanks a bunch for taking the time to give me your advice. I really appreciate it. Im sorry to hear you went through the same thing. Such a crappy feeling isnít it?

        Comment


        • #5
          Your main problem is that you think you're his girlfriend and not his friend. You want more from the relationship than he wants. Did he actually invite and encourage you to come visit or did you take it upon yourself to go see him? I'm thinking the latter.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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          • #6
            It's difficult to adjust but that's what friends do. You give each other space to grow, are there for each other when you're down and you don't force each other to be anything that what you really are. I think you're upset and that's human. Just don't make unreasonable demands. You mentioned he's your only close friend but if he was such a friend why are you punishing him for your deficit in friends. It's no one's fault that you only have one close friend. Take the opportunity to grow too.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Ayla View Post
              You do realise you're not his girlfriend, right?

              You seem to have very high expectations of him and of your "friendship".
              Why do you feel that your friendship and its intensity should be decided by you and only you?

              Friendships evolve. I spent a lot more time with my friends when I was happily single - obviously. I had a lot more time.
              I spent a lot more time with my friends while I was in college and not working- obviously.
              I spent a lot more time with my high school friends while I was still living in my home town and not across the country like I do now - obviously.

              Maybe you need to be a bit more flexible about this friendship of yours and let it take on whatever shape feels good for BOTH of you.
              Just because you'd like to be the centre of his universe all the time, doesn't mean he feels the same.
              After all, he does have a girlfriend... and she comes first.
              If you'd get a boyfriend and he'd be texting his girl best friend all the time and spending his time with her instead of you, I'm sure you'd kick his ass to the curb.
              You canít be serious. Itís high expectations of me to expect him to actually give me some of his time for a week while Iím there visiting him after spending a bunch of money just to get out to him. Not to mention the fact that like I said, heís in college still so he doesnít have a lot of money so I was paying for EVERYTHING for us. I paid for us to go out and eat multiple times, paid for us to go out and see some movies, bought him some groceries while I was there, etc. Maybe if HE didnít care so much maybe he shouldnít be asking me for help to feed him and everything else iíve Helped him with.

              its high expectations of him to just send me a little birthday card after ALL the thought I put into his birthdays and everything else through the year?

              And no, youíre wrong. I wouldnít ďkick someone to the curbĒ especially if that person helped me and cared for me like I do him. Why would I kick someone I care about to the curb? You sound like the kind of person who loses all his friends when you get into a relationship because your friendships no longer matter to you when you get into a relationship.
              Last edited by Cco61827@yahoo.com; June 5th, 2018, 11:58 AM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                Your main problem is that you think you're his girlfriend and not his friend. You want more from the relationship than he wants. Did he actually invite and encourage you to come visit or did you take it upon yourself to go see him? I'm thinking the latter.

                Wrong. Actually he wanted me to come out and it was planned for about 6 months.

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                • #9
                  So what is your plan now? Are you going to stop contact with him?
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                    It's difficult to adjust but that's what friends do. You give each other space to grow, are there for each other when you're down and you don't force each other to be anything that what you really are. I think you're upset and that's human. Just don't make unreasonable demands. You mentioned he's your only close friend but if he was such a friend why are you punishing him for your deficit in friends. It's no one's fault that you only have one close friend. Take the opportunity to grow too.
                    What is unreasonable about expecting him to not be on his cellphone 85% of the time when I went through all the trouble of visiting him in the first place? In ANY situation thatís just rude. Also, itís not like I was expecting him to get me some expensive gift. I wanted a card, just something that shows he puts at LEAST the bare minimum into our friendship. After everything I have done for him, I really donít think the things I have mentioned would be considered a crazy amount of demands. And I do have other friends, just not as close as we are/were. And he benefited from that. If I treated all my friends exactly the same he wouldnít have received all the help from me that he did.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                      So what is your plan now? Are you going to stop contact with him?
                      Iím not sure to be honest. Iíve already definitely backed off a lot in the last few months. I just donít wanna put too much more effort into the friendship when itís not even appreciated to begin with.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You both obviously have very different 'Friendship Languages'

                        You believe that the best way to show someone what they mean to you, is to buy them.......things.
                        Your BFF clearly does not speak that language, and perhaps is a little tired of, what sounds here, like an over the top, highly dependent, obsessive relationship with you.

                        Back off and let him breathe, without you casting your judgment on him for not responding the way YOU would or how YOU think he should.
                        He's not YOU !

                        I would venture to guess that this is his first real relationship with a girl too, and you playing the jealous and selfish girl 'friend' will find you even more alienated than you've already made yourself.

                        Keep this up and you'll lose him entirely.
                        The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by pistol View Post
                          You both obviously have very different 'Friendship Languages'

                          You believe that the best way to show someone what they mean to you, is to buy them.......things.
                          Your BFF clearly does not speak that language, and perhaps is a little tired of, what sounds here, like an over the top, highly dependent, obsessive relationship with you.

                          Back off and let him breathe, without you casting your judgment on him for not responding the way YOU would or how YOU think he should.
                          He's not YOU !

                          I would venture to guess that this is his first real relationship with a girl too, and you playing the jealous and selfish girl 'friend' will find you even more alienated than you've already made yourself.

                          Keep this up and you'll lose him entirely.
                          Uh, what? Iím not even a girl and he was my best guy friend. And how am I the dependant one when IíVE been the one helping HIM out all the time? Is it really so wrong to, when going above and beyond for a friend, expect the other friend to put at LEAST the bare minimum of effort towards the friendship? He needed help, and I provided it to him. But yea sure, Iím the dependent one. If anything he has more to lose out of me than I have to lose out of him. If he wants to lose a friend that genuinely cares and gives a crap, thatís on him, cause true friends like that are near impossible to find these days. Most ďfriendsĒ will be there for you during the good times, but when things turn bad and people need help, a lot of those friends are nowhere to be seen. I have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of.

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                          • #14
                            You are receiving the same opinion from all of the members here, Cco61827@yahoo.com , just worded differently.

                            If you aren't willing to take a deeper look at who the real problem is with, then that's on you.
                            The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.

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                            • #15
                              Funny how we all thought you were a whining girl.
                              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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