Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Has this strategy ever been inflicted upn you by anyone in your life?

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Has this strategy ever been inflicted upn you by anyone in your life?

    These tactics were always a mystery to me whenever my relatives practiced this type of psychological warfare on me. Perpetrators who practice this type of psychological warfare have serious mental disorders for which there is no cure.

    Please share your experiences regarding those who've disrespected, dishonored and terribly mistreated you this way. Thank you everyone.

    https://www.urbo.com/content/tactics...o-silence-you/
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

  • #2
    Chanelle, do you have a specific situation to discuss?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      Has this strategy ever been inflicted upn you by anyone in your life?
      Thanks to Donald Trump, the whole flipping world is being inflicted upon by a narcissist.

      *leaves to finish digging bomb shelter*
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
        Chanelle, do you have a specific situation to discuss?
        Well, yes, Sarah. I have relatives who gaslight all the time and was wondering how other people cope with those who gaslight habitually as it is a serious mental disorder for which there is no cure. These are relatives who live nearby and I see them on a regular basis for various family reunion occasions throughout the year; not just holidays. Thank you everyone.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

        Comment


        • #5
          Chanelle, can you give a specific example of how one of them does it to you? And how you respond?
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

          Comment


          • #6
            My sister is definitely a narcissist. Highly manipulative. Expects to call all the shots. Twists the truth or outright lies to get what she wants or to make herself look superior to others. The extent of it is almost laughable at times. I have to set boundaries with her a lot, and often have to end the contact when she becomes disrespectful or controlling

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Mary View Post
              My sister is definitely a narcissist. Highly manipulative. Expects to call all the shots. Twists the truth or outright lies to get what she wants or to make herself look superior to others. The extent of it is almost laughable at times. I have to set boundaries with her a lot, and often have to end the contact when she becomes disrespectful or controlling
              Thank you Mary. It's good to know that I'm not alone whenever I'm on the receiving end of this mistreatment. It's quite the head trip let me tell you.It causes estrangement.
              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                Chanelle, can you give a specific example of how one of them does it to you? And how you respond?
                For example, whenever a topic needs to be addressed which doesn't agree with two extended family members in particular, instead of discussing it maturely and resolving it peacefully, the conversation takes on all sorts of twists and turns. It's a wild, angry ride. They change the subject and cause you to argue about that so you defend yourself. Then they engage in name calling so you defend yourself there. Next, they accuse you of being a drama queen and tell you there's something wrong with you. It's a maddening spin which doesn't have anything to do with the original topic you broached. Hence, you end up talking and arguing in circles around and around and around with escalated, heated fighting. They deflect all responsibility and fault all the while. They turn it around on you as if you didn't perceive reality correctly and you didn't have your facts straight.

                Example:

                Sarah: I want to confide in you regarding what a mutual relative said and did to me. As your sister, you ought to know as ignorance is not bliss.

                Sarah's sister: You're lying! You should be ashamed of yourself. You've got your facts all wrong! You're nothing but a "slanderous loose cannon!"

                Sarah: I'm telling the truth. You can't handle the truth. I'm NOT a liar nor a loose cannon. Stop calling me that! <==== Note the conversation is already transforming into your sister's favor. This is called manipulating and controlling the conversation aka gaslighting.

                Sarah's sister: (Switches subjects. Starts talking about past young adult issues between two sisters which have nothing to do with current conversation.)

                Sarah: (Start defending yourself regarding new subject about past sister issues. Stomp out that endless fire.) <==== Note your original broached topic was snuffed out. This is what gaslighters accomplish.

                Sarah, this is what gaslighting is. It's meant to throw you off kilter. Your sister is manipulating and controlling the conversation by accusing you of being the confrontational one, the mentally sick one, the "difficult" one because if certain conversations are uncomfortable for your sister, it turns into a battleground about a completely different subject. There is a very dismissive, ignorant attitude on your sister's part and you can't knock any sense into her brain to save your life. Same goes for your mother. It's the same exact communication style. In other words, all you can talk about is the weather otherwise your head gets sent to the Tower of London.

                It's gotten so bad that I'm declining to attend my niece's post-commencement HS graduation lunch at a fancy restaurant next week. I prefer to remain in the security, safety and comfort of my own home. I prefer to take a nap!

                Unfortunately, we do not reside far apart. Family and in-laws are geographically local so I can't use the excuse of expensive travel costs, inconvenience, work, lack of time, etc. Therefore, I don't have many excuses to decline every invitation for holidays, random celebrations for the 2nd generation and the like. And then there's the problem about the next generation. It's unfair to them to discontinue family ties due to adults fighting. It's very difficult to be selfless in that regard while in attendance at special occasions during random times of the year. It's awkward, tense, irritating, nerve-racking, uncomfortable and it's extremely difficult to engage in small talk all the while. My sister, her husband and my mother are the types who put on a good show despite bad blood and I can't do that. I can't be fake and phony like that. They're narcissists and I look upon narcissism with great disdain. They say and write whatever they wish and get away with it. The problem is: Narcissists do not have a conscience and you can't deal with people with serious mental disorders for which there is no cure. It's becoming increasingly difficult to transform into my best actress mode, stiff upper lip and all that.

                If that's not bad enough, my BIL (brother-in-law - sister's husband) says inappropriate comments, uses foul language in front of the children, insults people verbally and offers alcohol to underage children. Also, he has a mouth problem. For example, when a relative recently graduated and landed a plum job, instead of sincerely congratulating him, my BIL was jealous and insecure so he said, "So what?" Wow. That type of dialogue from him is so typical and happens all the time. He's a jerk. Even my sister is ashamed of being married to him and doesn't include him whenever she is invited to her childhood friends' parties. She doesn't allow him to accompany her for fear of shame, embarrassment and humiliation in public. It's that bad. I only gave you the tip of the iceberg. He's very insecure and miserable but that doesn't give him excuses to insult people whenever he feels like it.

                This is the type of atmosphere I wish to avoid being in the first place. Unfortunately, the children cannot visit their cousins due to my discord with the adults. I always look like the difficult one, the bad guy, the one rocking the boat, making waves, the drama queen and they have that 'why can't you just get along (?)' mentality. In other words, I come from a family where you just have to tolerate and shut up. You're not allowed to squawk, speak up about being disrespected and if you do, they'll tear to shreds. You have to put up and shut up or you get beaten up. Those are your options. Any advice regarding what you would do in my situation? Thank you.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                Comment


                • #9
                  As for the sister, if I were you, I would avoid the conflict by simply not engaging in any conversation with them. If they talk to you, just give neutral responses, like "Hmmm....interesting" or "Where did you hear that?" Don't engage with them.

                  As for the brother-in-law...this behavior is totally outrageous. If he cursed in front of my small children and offered alcohol to children, I would just announce to my family that I will not attend any gathering where he is present.

                  There's no law that says you have to spend time with your relatives. Seriously. Cultivate more friends and stop giving these dysfunctional people your time and attention. Also, if you ARE with them and they start accusing you of being a drama queen, simply smile, get up and leave the house with no further words. Perhaps after you do that 5 or 6 times, they'll know what they can and can't say to you. Don't be a doormat and don't engage them.

                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                    As for the sister, if I were you, I would avoid the conflict by simply not engaging in any conversation with them. If they talk to you, just give neutral responses, like "Hmmm....interesting" or "Where did you hear that?" Don't engage with them.

                    As for the brother-in-law...this behavior is totally outrageous. If he cursed in front of my small children and offered alcohol to children, I would just announce to my family that I will not attend any gathering where he is present.

                    There's no law that says you have to spend time with your relatives. Seriously. Cultivate more friends and stop giving these dysfunctional people your time and attention. Also, if you ARE with them and they start accusing you of being a drama queen, simply smile, get up and leave the house with no further words. Perhaps after you do that 5 or 6 times, they'll know what they can and can't say to you. Don't be a doormat and don't engage them.
                    Thank you Sarah. There's the sticky situation where my in-laws (MIL / FIL, my husban'd sister, my SIL, her husband who is my other BIL and their children, my other BIL - my husband's brother, my other SIL - his wife and their children) are all invited to the same gatherings. I don't want them to know about my bad blood with my relatives because I'm not the one to air my dirty laundry nor do I want them to gossip about me at my expense. They will know that there's obvious bad blood every time I decline these frequent family reunions. This is why it's so difficult to don my best poker face all the time and remain stoic all the while. And, causing a scene by walking away will only entertain them. You don't know my relatives. They'll love nothing more than to mock me all the more if I just get up and leave. It gets worse if I react. It's very hard not to react. Hence, I'm trying my best to be the bigger person yet be distant and frosty. I've even went so far as to reject greeting hugs for hello and goodbye and instructed my husband to no longer shake hands with my obnoxiously rude BIL, my sister's husband. It's really hard to exercise diplomacy for the 2nd generation, the cousins. It's unfair to them if they're cut off from seeing their cousins because of me, the labeled "troublemaker" or I'm accused of "stirring the pot." It's hard to show class in the midst of adversity.
                    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Really, Chanelle, you need to grow some thicker skin. What do you care if they talk about you behind your back or mock you? Who are they that you should care? You need to demonstrate some personal dignity, showing them that you will not stand by when they behave badly towards you...you will simply remove yourself from their presence.

                      Do you want to keep walking on eggshells around them forever just because you're afraid they'll mock you or talk about you?
                      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                        Really, Chanelle, you need to grow some thicker skin. What do you care if they talk about you behind your back or mock you? Who are they that you should care? You need to demonstrate some personal dignity, showing them that you will not stand by when they behave badly towards you...you will simply remove yourself from their presence.

                        Do you want to keep walking on eggshells around them forever just because you're afraid they'll mock you or talk about you?
                        Well, yes, Sarah, I do care what is gossiped behind my back. I do have feelings. I'm not a robot without feelings. Gossip runs vicious with my relatives and in-laws. It wouldn't be so bad had I lived across the country but we cross paths frequently within a 30 - 40 mile radius. It's really bad especially in this Information Age with texting, the Internet, social media, etc.

                        And, I am a mother of sons who enjoy these family reunions. They enjoy chatting with their cousins whenever there is a celebratory occasion such as grad, b-day; not just holiday dinners. If I all I had to be concerned about was just myself, it would be so easy to bow out but now that I'm a mother, it's not all about me anymore and what I want. My sons want to attend because they don't have a beef with anyone.

                        My husband wants to support our niece by accepting and attending her upcoming graduation luncheon invitation. He says to do it for her despite grudges against perpetrators. This is where I am torn. For this luncheon in particular, I do have a legitimate excuse due to my current bronchitis but in the future, I'm going to eventually run out of excuses.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Chanelle, all I can say is that if you keep putting yourself into situations where you know you'll be emotionally abused, then that is your choice. My best advice is to not engage with them in any topic that be 'controversial.' Change the subject to the weather, your favorite flowers, puppies and kittens.

                          Good luck.
                          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                            Chanelle, all I can say is that if you keep putting yourself into situations where you know you'll be emotionally abused, then that is your choice. My best advice is to not engage with them in any topic that be 'controversial.' Change the subject to the weather, your favorite flowers, puppies and kittens.

                            Good luck.
                            Right that. The weather. Must keep it dull as a door nail. You're right Sarah, thanks! Stiff upper lip just like the British.
                            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I am just going to restate what Sara said .

                              I know you feel this is not just all about you , your children enjoy the family gatherings and you want to have a relationship with your niece and that is a worth while cause !

                              But you donít have to a relationship with the toxic people in your life, talk to other people at the gatherings if you can , if not , understand that you will never get narcissistic people to see the light , they are not capable of it . unfortunately your only recourse is to only engage in , what I call ď frosting ď conversation nothing deep , nothing meaningful, nothing rewarding ( no ď cake ď ) just frosting
                              ( weather , gossip , just mindless conversation) i know it is unfulfilling , but you have to keep your sanity !

                              When I find myself in these types of situations , I pull away and just listen to the mindless stupidity and I let them ramble on and just respond with meaningless engagement and ask questions that keep them talking . Thatís all they want anyway, they are commercials you canít skip or mute and they are trying to sell you something you donít need nor want ( theyíre false reality and inflated egos ! )

                              You have the comfort of knowing that you have a normal healthy person ( your husband ) in your life that you can have healthy meaningful conversations with . You may have the option of having the cousins come to your house for ď play dates ď with your children, that way your sister ď can have a day for very important self ď and maybe take your niece out to dinner or shopping so you can not only bond with her , but also show her how normal people behave , because Iím sure your sister is teaching her how to be a narcissist and you have to be the person in her life that cares enough for her to at least show her a better way to treat people.

                              Also , there is an incredible series on YouTube :
                              https://www.youtube.com/user/MelanieToniaEvans

                              I have learn a lot about how to deal with Narcissist and how to manage my reactions to there behavior , maybe they will lead you to a little more insight.

                              I am a little familiar with your story from your past post and you definitely know whatís happening with these people, but I understand dealing with them especially when you donít have much choice is very challenging!

                              Good luck in your quest !!!
                              It’s time to let go , you have to sacrifice the life you have for the life you want !

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X