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My mom has been secretly dating my best friend

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  • My mom has been secretly dating my best friend

    Apparently, my mother and my now ex best friend have been having a sexual relationship for the better part of 3 years. She's 42 and he's 24. It all started when he was thinking of dropping out of college since he couldn't afford the room and board anymore. I was going to school out of state at the time and suggested he stay in my old bedroom at my mom's house until he graduated. It seemed like a nice thing to do since I considered him like a brother to me and didn't want to see him give up school. He didn't have to pay for rent or food. All he had to do was help out around the house, doing chores, fixing things my mom couldn't, etc. And apparently over time, my mom had developed a deep attraction to him, possibly because the last time she had dated anyone was when we were still in high school. So she felt lonely and came onto him. He rejected her at first, but they eventually had sex. According to him it was supposed to be a one time thing, but since they were now living together for a while, they eventually started having sex more often. They would do it a few times a week, sometimes daily, and sometimes more than once a day. I was completely oblivious to all of this because everytime I would come home for the holidays, they would act as if nothing was going on. And the thought of the two of them being together like that never even crossed my mind, seeing as how I had known and trusted this man since we were both kids. I felt so betrayed by the both of them.

    When they finally told me about all of this yesterday, I was so furious and demanded they stop seeing each other and for him to move out. But my mom said she wants him to stay and keep living with her, even considering him her "boyfriend". He told me that he really loved my mother, and not just for the sex. He even called her his soul mate. He was hoping that I would be okay if they dated each other openly from now on, no more hiding behind my back. I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just left and now I'm wondering what to do next. On the one hand, my mom will always be my mom and I will always love her very much for raising me basically on her own. I also don't really want to lose my best friend, which like I said before I considered him a brother. On the other hand, they both did lie to me for a long time and expected me to be okay with their relationship like it was no big deal. I don't know what to do, so any advice or suggestions???

  • #2
    Originally posted by RyanD83 View Post
    Apparently, my mother and my now ex best friend have been having a sexual relationship for the better part of 3 years. She's 42 and he's 24. It all started when he was thinking of dropping out of college since he couldn't afford the room and board anymore. I was going to school out of state at the time and suggested he stay in my old bedroom at my mom's house until he graduated. It seemed like a nice thing to do since I considered him like a brother to me and didn't want to see him give up school. He didn't have to pay for rent or food. All he had to do was help out around the house, doing chores, fixing things my mom couldn't, etc. And apparently over time, my mom had developed a deep attraction to him, possibly because the last time she had dated anyone was when we were still in high school. So she felt lonely and came onto him. He rejected her at first, but they eventually had sex. According to him it was supposed to be a one time thing, but since they were now living together for a while, they eventually started having sex more often. They would do it a few times a week, sometimes daily, and sometimes more than once a day. I was completely oblivious to all of this because everytime I would come home for the holidays, they would act as if nothing was going on. And the thought of the two of them being together like that never even crossed my mind, seeing as how I had known and trusted this man since we were both kids. I felt so betrayed by the both of them.

    When they finally told me about all of this yesterday, I was so furious and demanded they stop seeing each other and for him to move out. But my mom said she wants him to stay and keep living with her, even considering him her "boyfriend". He told me that he really loved my mother, and not just for the sex. He even called her his soul mate. He was hoping that I would be okay if they dated each other openly from now on, no more hiding behind my back. I didn't know how to respond to that, so I just left and now I'm wondering what to do next. On the one hand, my mom will always be my mom and I will always love her very much for raising me basically on her own. I also don't really want to lose my best friend, which like I said before I considered him a brother. On the other hand, they both did lie to me for a long time and expected me to be okay with their relationship like it was no big deal. I don't know what to do, so any advice or suggestions???
    Being deceitful is the same as lying. There is no excuse there. No one ever recovers from deceit and lying. All you get out of it is distrust for certain individuals in the future. You can't do anything about it. It is what it is. All you can do is learn from it and learn not to trust them or anyone who deceives and lies to you.

    As for their living situation and intimate boyfriend / girlfriend relationship, there's nothing you can do about it either. They're both consenting adults and it's none of your business even though she's your mother and your best friend lives with her. You don't have to approve or like their living arrangement and relationship. You don't have to like it but you have to accept it. However, you do need to be civil, peaceful, polite, respectful of their privacy and remain well-mannered no matter how disturbing their relationship is to you. Keep the peace, limit seeing them and limit contact if being with them or communicating with them makes you feel irritable, uncomfortable, awkward and nervous. It's understandable to feel this way. Be a grown up and carry yourself with grace and class in situations you have no control over.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #3
      Thanks Chanelle. Your advice does make sense. I don't think I will ever approve of their now open relationship, but like you said they're both adults so that's their business. I think for now I should go back to my dorm room and give them some space, but I'll eventually try to keep contact with both of them. I'll try to keep our conversations and meetings brief since its still a disturbing sight to see. But nonetheless, I wish them nothing but the best and I'm sad that things had to go down like this.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by RyanD83 View Post
        Thanks Chanelle. Your advice does make sense. I don't think I will ever approve of their now open relationship, but like you said they're both adults so that's their business. I think for now I should go back to my dorm room and give them some space, but I'll eventually try to keep contact with both of them. I'll try to keep our conversations and meetings brief since its still a disturbing sight to see. But nonetheless, I wish them nothing but the best and I'm sad that things had to go down like this.
        No problem RyanD83. All you can do is focus on your own life in college and your future. They have their own life and you are your own man - - without them. Contact with them is ok as long as both parties keep it brief, give each other a lot of time, space and respect. Granted, they did not respect you when you were deceived and lied to but there's nothing you can do about it. All you can do is distrust anyone who deceives or lies to you. Concentrate on your individual life. Be the bigger person and go your own way. The more you dwell on them, the worse you will feel. Give yourself mentally healthy distractions.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          Originally posted by RyanD83 View Post
          Thanks Chanelle. Your advice does make sense. I don't think I will ever approve of their now open relationship, but like you said they're both adults so that's their business. I think for now I should go back to my dorm room and give them some space, but I'll eventually try to keep contact with both of them. I'll try to keep our conversations and meetings brief since its still a disturbing sight to see. But nonetheless, I wish them nothing but the best and I'm sad that things had to go down like this.
          There's a lot in life that is sad. All you can do is be mature and handle it with graciousness on your part. You don't have to be too nice or unnaturally nice. Just be polite and it's all you can do. Other than that, the main focus is on your life; not theirs. I'm sorry it had to go down like this. It's a good thing you don't live at home. Being in a dorm outside that environment is mentally healthier for you. Concentrate on your own life and happiness from now on. What matters is you; not them.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6
            I agree.
            They are adults. Your opinion on the matter isn't really important.

            I'm still unsure if the term deceitful can be used in this situation. They probably knew you'd react badly so they kept this information from you not to damage your relationship to them.
            Also, I'm not really sure how it's your business who your mom or your friend sleeps with, even if it is with each other. They are entitled to keep that part of their life from you.
            I don't tell my friends and family every time I'm seeing/sleeping with someone new. It's none of their business until I decide it's time to introduce them as my partner. If it takes some time to figure out of they are compatible and want to be in a relationship, I can understand the secrecy.
            You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Ayla View Post
              I agree.
              They are adults. Your opinion on the matter isn't really important.

              I'm still unsure if the term deceitful can be used in this situation. They probably knew you'd react badly so they kept this information from you not to damage your relationship to them.
              Also, I'm not really sure how it's your business who your mom or your friend sleeps with, even if it is with each other. They are entitled to keep that part of their life from you.
              I don't tell my friends and family every time I'm seeing/sleeping with someone new. It's none of their business until I decide it's time to introduce them as my partner. If it takes some time to figure out of they are compatible and want to be in a relationship, I can understand the secrecy.
              ... Agreed!
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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              • #8
                Dang, I’m sorry that happened to you. That right there is such a crap friend, lol. Seriously, what “friend” goes after another friends mom? Also, that’s just so weird lol. Sounds like the same kind of friend who would probably try sleeping with your girlfriend behind your back too if you had one. You’re better off without him as a friend, trust me.

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                • #9
                  While it is an inappropriate relationship considering all parties involved, it's not illegal. Depending on how vulgar this is to you, I would wait and process this in due time. Don't jump to any major decisions when the story is still fresh. You might do something detrimental to your near or long term future (ie school goals, career, other relationships etc). Be wise about it and think about this for awhile.

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                  • #10
                    Your mum will always be your mum & she can't help her feelings. The best friend should've moved out as soon as things started happening but he didn't!
                    This was totally inappropriate & I'd be kicking any future friendship with this joker into touch!
                    You have to move on & get on with your life.

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