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Should I let the friendship go?

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  • Should I let the friendship go?

    I have been friends with someone long distance for a couple of years. He suffers with depression and PTSD. He works in a job where this complicates it. There are times where he pulls away and is distance, but always comes back around. My own life is quite complicated, but his friendship filled a void in my life and helped to center me. Recently, I suffered the loss of a parent. I had regular contact with him until right before they actually passed. He knew the severity of what was going on. Since then, I have had no contact. He has not made a single attempt to contact me. I realize that this is a pretty horrible thing to do. I had thought I had it made up in my mind that I would let it go since I don't need more people in my life that I can't count on. They say you really find out who is there for you in times of tragedy. The problem I have is this, I miss him terribly. I can't seem to let it go. I know that if I reach out, he would talk with me. I just don't know if I should. Thoughts?

  • #2
    Originally posted by wishfulthinking View Post
    I have been friends with someone long distance for a couple of years. He suffers with depression and PTSD. He works in a job where this complicates it. There are times where he pulls away and is distance, but always comes back around. My own life is quite complicated, but his friendship filled a void in my life and helped to center me. Recently, I suffered the loss of a parent. I had regular contact with him until right before they actually passed. He knew the severity of what was going on. Since then, I have had no contact. He has not made a single attempt to contact me. I realize that this is a pretty horrible thing to do. I had thought I had it made up in my mind that I would let it go since I don't need more people in my life that I can't count on. They say you really find out who is there for you in times of tragedy. The problem I have is this, I miss him terribly. I can't seem to let it go. I know that if I reach out, he would talk with me. I just don't know if I should. Thoughts?
    I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. It's a guess what he's thinking. He may be too stunned and not sure how to respond or giving you time to process. When my mum was diagnosed with cancer, I didn't know who to talk to except my my old childhood friend who had also lost her mum to cancer a few years prior. If you are comfortable talking about it and you know he's a kind person and you need someone to talk to, I don't see why you shouldn't reach out.

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    • #3
      He has PTSD, he has depression, he's not reliable to be your shoulder when you really need one. He doesn't value you enough or because of is own issues, is unable to be the friend you currently need. I'm pretty sure his issues cause him to get anxiety and panic attacks). You've already said that you don't need another person you can't rely on in your life. Knowing all of that, can you give me one logical reason why you should contact him? You miss him? That too shall pass.

      He can't give you what you need because of his mental illness and I would imagine he has distanced himself because trying to be your shoulder is just too anxiety inducing to him. He can't help you when he needs help himself, luv.

      Do you have other friends that you can rely on to help you to get past missing him? He has depression... do you know anyone that knows him that can confirm that he's okay?
      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; May 7th, 2018, 03:07 PM.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        Originally posted by wishfulthinking View Post
        I have been friends with someone long distance for a couple of years. He suffers with depression and PTSD. He works in a job where this complicates it. There are times where he pulls away and is distance, but always comes back around. My own life is quite complicated, but his friendship filled a void in my life and helped to center me. Recently, I suffered the loss of a parent. I had regular contact with him until right before they actually passed. He knew the severity of what was going on. Since then, I have had no contact. He has not made a single attempt to contact me. I realize that this is a pretty horrible thing to do. I had thought I had it made up in my mind that I would let it go since I don't need more people in my life that I can't count on. They say you really find out who is there for you in times of tragedy. The problem I have is this, I miss him terribly. I can't seem to let it go. I know that if I reach out, he would talk with me. I just don't know if I should. Thoughts?
        Your friend has too many troubles of his own. I've encountered many people like this including myself! When a person is overwhelmed with their own insurmountable stress(es), there is no brain space left to think of others let alone be nice to them. Forget it. I can attest to this. When I was in the throws of my deepest despair, I felt that it was such a cruel world out there. No one cares about certain problems except the one who is suffering with it day in and day out. When life is gravy, of course people including myself are kind, thoughtful, generous, very nice and pleasant. When life is hellacious, there is no such thing as social graces, niceties, generosity (time / money) and the whole lot. This is human nature.

        I'm sorry for your loss. You can't count on a lot of people especially those who have too many personal problems of their own. It's hard enough to receive compassion from other people who have a good life and impossible to receive compassion from those who are overwhelmed with their own misery. Those are my thoughts.

        Do you have family and friends for support?
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          Originally posted by wishfulthinking View Post
          I have been friends with someone long distance for a couple of years. He suffers with depression and PTSD. He works in a job where this complicates it. There are times where he pulls away and is distance, but always comes back around. My own life is quite complicated, but his friendship filled a void in my life and helped to center me. Recently, I suffered the loss of a parent. I had regular contact with him until right before they actually passed. He knew the severity of what was going on. Since then, I have had no contact. He has not made a single attempt to contact me. I realize that this is a pretty horrible thing to do. I had thought I had it made up in my mind that I would let it go since I don't need more people in my life that I can't count on. They say you really find out who is there for you in times of tragedy. The problem I have is this, I miss him terribly. I can't seem to let it go. I know that if I reach out, he would talk with me. I just don't know if I should. Thoughts?
          Lower your expectations from your friend. Don't expect and you won't get hurt. You turn numb when it comes to lowering your expectations from your friend and others. You don't have to dump your friend. Change your dynamics. You can still be kind, enforce healthy boundaries, remain cordial but know in the back of your mind, he can't give what you expect. On your end, don't be generous with your heart otherwise you'll be disappointed when he can't deliver or reciprocate.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6
            Originally posted by wishfulthinking View Post
            I have been friends with someone long distance for a couple of years. He suffers with depression and PTSD. He works in a job where this complicates it. There are times where he pulls away and is distance, but always comes back around. My own life is quite complicated, but his friendship filled a void in my life and helped to center me. Recently, I suffered the loss of a parent. I had regular contact with him until right before they actually passed. He knew the severity of what was going on. Since then, I have had no contact. He has not made a single attempt to contact me. I realize that this is a pretty horrible thing to do. I had thought I had it made up in my mind that I would let it go since I don't need more people in my life that I can't count on. They say you really find out who is there for you in times of tragedy. The problem I have is this, I miss him terribly. I can't seem to let it go. I know that if I reach out, he would talk with me. I just don't know if I should. Thoughts?
            I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost my father the day after Thanksgiving 1979. It is a cold world out there. People say they're your friends. However, during your tragic aftermath, will they show up on your doorstep with a casserole? In case of an emergency, would they drive you to the airport at a moment's notice so you can catch the red-eye (flight) at 2AM? I doubt it.

            At this stage in my life, I've come to realize that this world is not as caring as I thought. People are very busy with their own lives and troubles. I would go so far as to say people the world over are extremely consumed with their own troubles and very busy lives. It's the way it is. Granted, there are some empathetic people who care, show they care and take action for you whether it's bringing meals to your doorstep when your life had turned upside down such as death of a loved one, home from the hospital with a newborn, sickness, post-accidents, etc Or, they call and ask to get together with you to offer moral support. Some friends will show their love towards you by their actions. Others simply do their disappearing act.

            There are other people who don't know what to do when someone is in trouble, in the throws of despair or suffering from tragedy and loss. They don't do anything and figure they'll give you lots of space and time so you can grieve and mourn. Some friends are clueless so they make an exit from your life; sometimes temporarily and sometimes permanently. I had such a friend. In fact she was my BFF ever since childhood and while her parents attended my father's funeral, my so-called BFF was nowhere to be seen. She didn't even call me. Decades later, she finally apologized to me. She explained that she didn't know how to respond to the bereaved because she was inexperienced with dealing with death while we were so young. Now that her father is battling terminal cancer, she feels kinship towards me because I too had lost a father. Suddenly, she can relate to me because she is about to lose her father. She is empathetic because now it hits home for her.

            Then there are the third types of "friends." They're called "Good Time Charlies." When your life is smooth as gravy, you are fine financially, life is on the upswing and you can afford to show them a good time (party / food / drink / music / entertainment) or benefit them in any way, they suddenly appear in your life. Long lost cousins suddenly come knocking on your front door. These types of friends are leeches. They glom onto you because their attraction to you as a friend is conditional. Or, I should say, their relationship with you doesn't come unless there are strings attached. Those types of friends are fake and phony. Stay away from opportunists. They will not be there for you during times of need. To the contrary, when you're in trouble or grieving, they'll scatter to the four winds.

            You sound young. I've been around the block a few times in this thing called life. With all due respect, you sound naive and I was naive and innocent once. I come from the school of hard knocks. As you navigate yourself through your life, you'll meet all sorts of people. People come and go; waft in and out of your life. You will discover who are keepers and what types of people use and take advantage of you. You'll learn which types of friends are indifferent or could care less about you. You learn discernment over time.

            Try not to be so disappointed in your friend. He is concerned about himself and he is #1 in his eyes. His life is not good so naturally he's consumed with his own misery. He has no brain space for anyone else. It's how it is. You're not even on his radar to no fault of your own. You don't have to like human nature but you'll have to grudgingly accept that this is how society is or how people are. I hope your family rallies to you and gives you moral support.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              Thank you all very much for the insightful comments. You have definitely given me some good points to consider and think about. I appreciate the time you spent to answer. There is so much truth in all that you have said. It helps to have it pointed out and brought into the open. Thanks again.

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              • #8
                Hey, pls first of all before making a choise. Rember that every one need there chance. If you try it. You can be happy, or not:/

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