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My sister and my boyfriend.....

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  • My sister and my boyfriend.....

    I have a twin sister and also an older brother. . Me and her are basically inseparable and I love her with all my heart. We both lived with my mom all of our lives. My father died when we were 7 in a car accident. My mom was a dependent person.. Never wanted us leaving her alone. Especially at night. As we got older my brother got married and moved out. Leaving me and my sis to look after her as she was also sick all of the time and in & out of the hospital. I met my boyfriend in 2009 and he moved in with us. My mom got along with him fine and he was like a second son to her since my brother was hardly ever around for her or us. My mom passed away in May 2016. I am 50 yrs old. Since my mom has passed away it has been really hard on us. My sister hates my boyfriend. She resents everything about him. He works in home repairs and painting. He makes his own hours. My sis works a shift job at a rite aid. She doesn't have many friends but she does go visit one in Wilmington sometimes on the weekend and stays a couple of nights. We all 3 go on vacation when she can get off work also sometimes. But this is my main problem..... She does not want to stay at night in the house by herself. That means me and my boyfriend can't go anywhere to stay the night without her arguing with me, saying I don't care about her. I care more about my boyfriend, etc. She also wants to go to concerts, and camping and says I should sacrifice my time and money to go with her even though I really don't like her type of music she wants to go see. I feel torn between them. I have told her I am my own person. I have to live my own life. I am sorry she doesn't have anyone to go do these things with her but why blameme??? I just don' the know what to do. Any suggestions? Sorry so long.
    Last edited by Bkh1968; April 25th, 2018, 10:05 PM.

  • #2
    Does your boyfriend have any single friends that he could introduce to her?

    In any event, you have to stop this codependent relationship she has on you and start saying no to her demands and do so without feeling guilty. If you and your boyfriend want to go out, then go out and tell her you'll see her later when she starts to try and manipulate you to stay. Don't even engage her in that kind of dialogue, simply ignore it and say see you soon.

    She's not going to change as long as you keep enabling her to brow beat you the way she does.

    Why is it you and your boyfriend haven't gotten your own place by now?
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Your sister is never going to snap out of this behavior unless you force her to.
      She's taken over the dependant role of your mother and seems to think this is okay. It's not.
      You have only 1 life and you've spent (wasted?) most of it already caring for others instead of building your own life.

      I think it's time you and your boyfriend move out on your own. Like Phases said, ignore her if she throws a tantrum. Don't let her guilt trip you.
      She's not going to make it easy on you, but it's time.
      Last edited by Ayla; April 26th, 2018, 04:04 AM.

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      • #4
        As a middle aged woman your sister's dependence is troubling. She needs counseling. Suggest it. There are many groups that work on a sliding scale if money is an issue.

        Do help your sister to make new friends. If she has others to do things with, she will be less dependent on you as her only social outlet.

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        • #5
          You love her with all your heart and I'm not doubting that.

          But your love is over compensating and not in her best interest. Like a dog owner feeling guilty over leaving their dog alone while they go to work and compensate by overfeeding. The dog still doesn't like being left alone and is now obese with health issues.
          What to do??

          You are enabling her depebdancy on you and you must stop that!
          Book a weekend away and go. Leave her there.
          She will be fine! You will see that when you get back.

          And repeat!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Bkh1968 View Post
            I have a twin sister and also an older brother. . Me and her are basically inseparable and I love her with all my heart. We both lived with my mom all of our lives. My father died when we were 7 in a car accident. My mom was a dependent person.. Never wanted us leaving her alone. Especially at night. As we got older my brother got married and moved out. Leaving me and my sis to look after her as she was also sick all of the time and in & out of the hospital. I met my boyfriend in 2009 and he moved in with us. My mom got along with him fine and he was like a second son to her since my brother was hardly ever around for her or us. My mom passed away in May 2016. I am 50 yrs old. Since my mom has passed away it has been really hard on us. My sister hates my boyfriend. She resents everything about him. He works in home repairs and painting. He makes his own hours. My sis works a shift job at a rite aid. She doesn't have many friends but she does go visit one in Wilmington sometimes on the weekend and stays a couple of nights. We all 3 go on vacation when she can get off work also sometimes. But this is my main problem..... She does not want to stay at night in the house by herself. That means me and my boyfriend can't go anywhere to stay the night without her arguing with me, saying I don't care about her. I care more about my boyfriend, etc. She also wants to go to concerts, and camping and says I should sacrifice my time and money to go with her even though I really don't like her type of music she wants to go see. I feel torn between them. I have told her I am my own person. I have to live my own life. I am sorry she doesn't have anyone to go do these things with her but why blameme??? I just don' the know what to do. Any suggestions? Sorry so long.
            Your boyfriend must be a saint. He's seen it all..and he's still there for all of you (now just your sister and you). Don't take on the blame or the guilt. Be ready to embrace change and grow. Sometimes that is hard on everyone. Just have the courage. I hope it works out for all of you.

            Comment


            • #7
              I agree with all of the above.


              Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
              Like a dog owner feeling guilty over leaving their dog alone while they go to work and compensate by overfeeding. The dog still doesn't like being left alone and is now obese with health issues.
              This analogy really made me chuckle!

              Can't beat a fat depressed dog.

              Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Bkh1968 View Post
                I have a twin sister and also an older brother. . Me and her are basically inseparable and I love her with all my heart. We both lived with my mom all of our lives. My father died when we were 7 in a car accident. My mom was a dependent person.. Never wanted us leaving her alone. Especially at night. As we got older my brother got married and moved out. Leaving me and my sis to look after her as she was also sick all of the time and in & out of the hospital. I met my boyfriend in 2009 and he moved in with us. My mom got along with him fine and he was like a second son to her since my brother was hardly ever around for her or us. My mom passed away in May 2016. I am 50 yrs old. Since my mom has passed away it has been really hard on us. My sister hates my boyfriend. She resents everything about him. He works in home repairs and painting. He makes his own hours. My sis works a shift job at a rite aid. She doesn't have many friends but she does go visit one in Wilmington sometimes on the weekend and stays a couple of nights. We all 3 go on vacation when she can get off work also sometimes. But this is my main problem..... She does not want to stay at night in the house by herself. That means me and my boyfriend can't go anywhere to stay the night without her arguing with me, saying I don't care about her. I care more about my boyfriend, etc. She also wants to go to concerts, and camping and says I should sacrifice my time and money to go with her even though I really don't like her type of music she wants to go see. I feel torn between them. I have told her I am my own person. I have to live my own life. I am sorry she doesn't have anyone to go do these things with her but why blameme??? I just don' the know what to do. Any suggestions? Sorry so long.
                Is there any way you can introduce her to your friends? Or, ask if your friends know someone they can match her with? Or, your boyfriend as others had suggested previously?

                Your sister is manipulative. Don't fall into her trap by enabling her selfish preferences.

                Three's a crowd. Do all 3 of you have to reside together under the same roof? This arrangement is not healthy. Would it be possible for you and your boyfriend to have a home (apt?) of your own? If not, then you need to enforce healthy boundaries with your sister. Put your foot down and no means no. It's time for tough love. Stick to your guns. You and your boyfriend have your rights to live your own lives as a couple so do it. And, if she gloms onto you all the time, you are indeed your own person and you're in a relationship. She needs to respect your independence and your relationship with your boyfriend.

                Your sister is a big girl, lock the windows and doors and she will be fine while you and your boyfriend are out for the evening. She is not a newborn infant. I'm sorry about your mother passing away. Don't make it a habit for all 3 of you going on vacation together. This set up is abnormal and dysfunctional. As for concerts, don't drag yourself to music you don't care for. I'd hate that!She is controlling and manipulative when she practices gaslighting on you (Google that word) by saying you don't care about her. Gaslighting is psychological warfare. Your sister is very selfish and self-centered. It's always about her and what she wants. She needs to know that others have a life, too and you'll no longer do her bidding at the snap of her fingers. Stop coddling and catering to her as if she's a spoiled brat. Your sister is not your responsibility. She's a grown woman. Instead of glomming onto you 24/7, she needs to get out there, meet people and develop her own social circle OUTSIDE of her life with you.

                She needs professional counseling to be sure. If she refuses to go, then don't cave because if you give an inch, she'll take a mile. NO means NO. Never acquiesce. You need to be in charge and become quite adamant. Only then will you be taken seriously.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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