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  • Trouble with bf and parents

    Hi, my bf and I are both 22 and weíve been together almost 2 years. My mom doesnít like him because heís not talkative and doesnít open up to her. To her this is seen as being rude and not wanting to get to know her and be part of the family. To be fair, conversation with other people doesnít come naturally to my bf and my mom is the exact opposite. Whenever we hang out over my house, as soon as he leaves she has criticism about how rude he was to her and how this is driving a wedge in the family. Itís been causing me so much anxiety that Iíve been avoiding bringing him to my house which of course causes even more tension. I always try to bring up how good he is to me and how we have a very supportive relationship but she only focuses on how heís going to take me away from the family. Iíve talked to my bf about it and he agrees to try and talk more, but when I talk to my mom she says she doesnít want to spend time with him anymore because sheís tired of putting in the effort with him. She also makes comments like today when she saw my bf and I got small tattoos she laughed and mocked it. And anytime I talk about how good she is she doesnít want to hear it. Please help:/ I love my mom a lot and I donít want to be with anyone else but my bf but this stress is killing me

  • #2
    What is your living situation? Are you living with your mother? Are you gainfully employed? Is your boyfriend employed?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      I live with my parents currently, Iím in college and Iím going to be living away from home 4 days a week starting in the fall.

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      • #4
        And also my bf and I are both employed but not making enough money to live on our own yet

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        • #5
          There are a couple of options for you.

          #1: Ignore your mother when she complains to you about your boyfriend's reticence. I suspect the real cause for her dislike of him is that she sees him as a threat to your relationship with her. He might take you away from her. But if you totally ignore your mother's comments, she'll get tired of talking to dead air.

          Mother: "I can't stand the way Harold doesn't participate in any discussions. Does he have any opinions about anything? I have to do all the work."
          You: Smile and say, "I love you, mom." End of discussion. If you don't engage her in battle, she'll get tired of it all. If she persists, just smile again and say, "I"m sorry he's not to your liking, Mom." Then nothing else. Don't complain/Don't explain.

          #2: Don't bring him around to your house anymore. When you go off to college, arrange to meet him there.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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          • #6
            Originally posted by laylangel View Post
            Hi, my bf and I are both 22 and weíve been together almost 2 years. My mom doesnít like him because heís not talkative and doesnít open up to her. To her this is seen as being rude and not wanting to get to know her and be part of the family. To be fair, conversation with other people doesnít come naturally to my bf and my mom is the exact opposite. Whenever we hang out over my house, as soon as he leaves she has criticism about how rude he was to her and how this is driving a wedge in the family. Itís been causing me so much anxiety that Iíve been avoiding bringing him to my house which of course causes even more tension. I always try to bring up how good he is to me and how we have a very supportive relationship but she only focuses on how heís going to take me away from the family. Iíve talked to my bf about it and he agrees to try and talk more, but when I talk to my mom she says she doesnít want to spend time with him anymore because sheís tired of putting in the effort with him. She also makes comments like today when she saw my bf and I got small tattoos she laughed and mocked it. And anytime I talk about how good she is she doesnít want to hear it. Please help:/ I love my mom a lot and I donít want to be with anyone else but my bf but this stress is killing me
            I'd say lie low and play by their rules because you're still dependent on them to some extent. What does your dad think? Or your siblings?

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            • #7
              Get your mom some reading material about introverted personalities. Perhaps if she understands your BF better, she can be kinder & more accepting of his quiet nature.

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              • #8
                I agree with Sarah. Don't keep trying to convince your mom that he's a good guy. She clearly doesn't want to hear it.
                Ignore it and change the subject.
                Show her that you're not open to discussing this any further.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by TeeDee View Post
                  Get your mom some reading material about introverted personalities. Perhaps if she understands your BF better, she can be kinder & more accepting of his quiet nature.
                  This is a great idea ^ try it and see if she lets up.

                  The problem with her venting her unapproving thoughts of him is all that its doing is making you defend him and thereby making him even more important to you in your mind. Not to mention telling you she doesn't want him at your house anymore is just going to cause you to make arrangements to be away from her even more as you meet him elsewhere. Your mom is her own worst enemy. Mom should understand that and just keep her opinion to herself unless you've asked her for it.

                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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