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Is my friend toxic?

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  • Is my friend toxic?

    Hi everyone. I have been best friends with this gal for almost 6 years. We met in uni and have been friends since then. We were together a LOT but she used to put me through ups and downs frequently too. These past two years since i have been in a relationship, we didn't do things together as much as before, but i still always managed to see her as much as i could because i need to split my time between work, boyfriend, her, and other friends from other circles. She doesn't go to work because her mom provides her so she doesn't feel the need to, hence a lot of time in her hands. She wasn't happy the first time i told her i just got into a relationship..she said sth like "who are you. Aint know who you are" but we went past that and were seeing each other like usual.

    Nowadays we see each other less. Mainly because our time doesn't match. I still work. She doesn't. However I always try to accomodate to her convenience, but she bails a lot (old news-she been doing that since uni). Now we haven't seen each other for maybe 2 months cuz whenever the plan is up she bails. But she keeps contacting me to make plan. We currently have a plan to hit the gym together since 3 weeks ago. The first week we both couldn't make it. The next week in an evening she asked me to go and i suggested "tomorrow?" She said "not tomorrow i can't. What bout next week." So i said yes and i wasn't mad. This week, however, nothing. So i asked her if she wanted to come to a cafe to hang today (not to hit the gym cuz i'm not fit) she refused. She suggested to hit the gym tomorrow instead. I said i can't.. and she got mad, saying i was the one who initiated meeting up but can't make it. Well i wasn't mad when i suggested a time and she said she can't. Why is she mad when i honestly say i can't? Then right after, she passive aggressively posted a status "useless". Is this toxic?

    i think i have had enough and i don't want such a negative friend anymore.. but 6 years of friendship makes it hard to leave. Any thoughts?

  • #2
    Yes. My first thought is to ask everyone to stop defining everything unpleasant as 'toxic.'

    Now to your issue. It's common for friends to drift apart for a variety of reasons. Your lives have taken different turns. In addition, she's unreliable. I recommend that you cut down on your contact with her. If she calls and sets a specific date for something, then go for it. If she keeps bailing on things that are set, just start not being there for her. Don't answer her texts. If she asks you why, say you're busy. You may just have to let this 'friendship' die a natural death.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Daisybud View Post
      Hi everyone. I have been best friends with this gal for almost 6 years. We met in uni and have been friends since then. We were together a LOT but she used to put me through ups and downs frequently too. These past two years since i have been in a relationship, we didn't do things together as much as before, but i still always managed to see her as much as i could because i need to split my time between work, boyfriend, her, and other friends from other circles. She doesn't go to work because her mom provides her so she doesn't feel the need to, hence a lot of time in her hands. She wasn't happy the first time i told her i just got into a relationship..she said sth like "who are you. Aint know who you are" but we went past that and were seeing each other like usual.

      Nowadays we see each other less. Mainly because our time doesn't match. I still work. She doesn't. However I always try to accomodate to her convenience, but she bails a lot (old news-she been doing that since uni). Now we haven't seen each other for maybe 2 months cuz whenever the plan is up she bails. But she keeps contacting me to make plan. We currently have a plan to hit the gym together since 3 weeks ago. The first week we both couldn't make it. The next week in an evening she asked me to go and i suggested "tomorrow?" She said "not tomorrow i can't. What bout next week." So i said yes and i wasn't mad. This week, however, nothing. So i asked her if she wanted to come to a cafe to hang today (not to hit the gym cuz i'm not fit) she refused. She suggested to hit the gym tomorrow instead. I said i can't.. and she got mad, saying i was the one who initiated meeting up but can't make it. Well i wasn't mad when i suggested a time and she said she can't. Why is she mad when i honestly say i can't? Then right after, she passive aggressively posted a status "useless". Is this toxic?

      i think i have had enough and i don't want such a negative friend anymore.. but 6 years of friendship makes it hard to leave. Any thoughts?
      With friendships as with relationships just ask one question: is it bringing you joy and does the joy outweigh the trials/challenges. If it doesn't it's time to close the chapter and move on. She sounds like she has some deeper issues that are out of your control and have nothing to do with you. Not working or choosing to support herself is going to affect a person whether we like it or not and as non-judgmental and kind as you are as a friend, it doesn't mean that the differences aren't there between you both. I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you about letting the friendship fade naturally.

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      • #4
        I don't think she's toxic. The word "toxic" was misused in your case. I think she's lazy because she doesn't work. She doesn't have her bleep together. The problem is she's not a go-getter with her mission in life regarding her career goals. That's the problem. When I was her age, I was extremely busy with college, career and working out. I had purpose in my life so naturally I attracted the brightest, best men. Yes, I married him, too!

        You deserve a woman who is just like you but a female version of you with what you want in life, what you want in a relationship, enjoy similar interests, outings and enjoy life, period. Also, a hard worker who is responsible with navigating her own life.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #5
          Thank you everyone. After reading all of your thoughts and putting my thoughts together, i have decided not to contact her anymore. If she wants to see me, so be it. If not, so be it. Never have I felt so relieved!

          ps: noted about the "toxic" label.
          Last edited by Daisybud; April 24th, 2018, 09:26 AM.

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