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My dad is very overprotective of me. How can I get him to back off a bit?

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  • My dad is very overprotective of me. How can I get him to back off a bit?

    It's been a while since I've made my first post. As you guys know from my first post, my father and I aren't close due to character and personality differences. However, there is something else about him that bothers me. He's extremely overprotective of me! To the point where it's annoying. Let me explain.

    I'm a 20-year-old man. I'm a college student. I know he does it because he loves me (Even though I feel like he doesn't show it often), but I find it irritating. It makes me think that he thinks that I'm not capable of doing things on my own or handling my own affairs. I'll list a few examples of things he does.

    He doesn't like to leave me home alone. He always wants to watch my every move. When I'm at a store or restaurant, and I want to ask an employee a question he does it for me without giving me the chance to do it myself. He's reluctant to let me do things on my own and make my own decisions. He thinks I'm not capable of doing many things. The thing is is that he doesn't even know if I can do these things because he never gives me the chance to do them! He just assumes that I can't do it.

    I just feel like he has no faith in me. I feel like he has no reason to feel like that. I've always been a well-mannered responsible person. And I'm an adult, not a child. He's treating me like a child. How can I prove to my dad that I'm perfectly capable of handling my own affairs?

    Here are a few extra details that might help. He's married, so it's not like he's lonely. I have three older siblings that still live with me. I am very shy (I suffer with social anxiety). I was a bit sheltered growing up. He has given me a hard time about that. My father is an old-fashioned macho tough guy. I'm more sensitive and in touch with my emotions (I'm gay by the way, but in the closet still.) I always get and have gotten the impression from him that he doesn't like that I'm not a "manly man" so he tries to change or influence me to become one.


  • #2
    So your father allows 4 20-somethings to still live with him. Why is that? Why aren't your older siblings out on their own?

    It is possible that your father senses that you may be gay and is trying to influence you, but as long as you're living with him, I'm afraid there's not much you can do about it unless you move out and get a job to support yourself.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      You are 20 yrs old and have 3 older siblings in the same house.

      Ok, that's fine but why are you attending stores with your dad. ?

      Maybe he treats you like a child because you behave like one???
      You say you suffer social anxiety so one would think you would appreciate another speaking up at a store or restaurant?

      Why remain in the closet ?

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      • #4
        Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
        So your father allows 4 20-somethings to still live with him. Why is that? Why aren't your older siblings out on their own?

        It is possible that your father senses that you may be gay and is trying to influence you, but as long as you're living with him, I'm afraid there's not much you can do about it unless you move out and get a job to support yourself.
        I would say my family is a bit codependent. I also think my parents are a little soft, and don't have the balls to show my siblings tough love and tell them they need to leave the nest. As to why they're still living at home here's why. My oldest sister is 33, my brother is 28, and my youngest sister is 27. My oldest sister hasn't worked in ten years. She doesn't have a high school diploma or GED. She still lives at home because she is too dependent on my mother and has no motivation to leave. My brother works, but he has no social life. Just like my oldest sister, I think he's too comfortable living at home and doesn't want to leave. My youngest sister just had a baby recently. She works as well. She's the most social one out of all of us. Her and her fiance are planning on getting their own place.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
          You are 20 yrs old and have 3 older siblings in the same house.

          Ok, that's fine but why are you attending stores with your dad. ?

          Maybe he treats you like a child because you behave like one???
          You say you suffer social anxiety so one would think you would appreciate another speaking up at a store or restaurant?

          Why remain in the closet ?
          Well I still don't have a driver's license at 20 years old. So if I want to go to a store or something, I need to have someone take me, and my dad usually volunteer's. Even though I suffer with social anxiety, I still want to take the initiative to interact with people. It's great practice for becoming more social and getting over my fears. And plus it just makes me feel like a child when he does that. My dad always trying to speak up for me is hindering my ability to be more social.

          I'm still in the closet because my dad and my brother are big homophobes. They always talk very badly about gay people, and don't hesitate to use the word fa**ot. Me being gay and having to hear this is very hard. I'm not coming out anytime soon, because I know that all hell would break loose.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Darren2020 View Post

            Well I still don't have a driver's license at 20 years old. So if I want to go to a store or something, I need to have someone take me, and my dad usually volunteer's. Even though I suffer with social anxiety, I still want to take the initiative to interact with people. It's great practice for becoming more social and getting over my fears. And plus it just makes me feel like a child when he does that. My dad always trying to speak up for me is hindering my ability to be more social.

            I'm still in the closet because my dad and my brother are big homophobes. They always talk very badly about gay people, and don't hesitate to use the word fa**ot. Me being gay and having to hear this is very hard. I'm not coming out anytime soon, because I know that all hell would break loose.
            Why can't you take public transport to a store? You are an adult so start behaving like one. Why haven't you got your license? If as an adult you can't get from a to b without daddy then don't expect to be treated as one.

            Your dad and brother are homophobes? Direct translation is they are scared of gay people. Lol
            Tell them you are gay followed by BOO!
            If they love you unconditionally they will accept it.
            If they don't then you shouldn't accept their narrow minded views.

            My parents were homophobic until my first cousin came out. They love him dearly regardless. And they are almost 80 years old.

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            • #7
              Your dad and brother are homophobes? Direct translation is they are scared of gay people. Lol
              Tell them you are gay followed by BOO!


              <---------Chuckling uncontrollably
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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              • #8
                Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                Your dad and brother are homophobes? Direct translation is they are scared of gay people. Lol
                Tell them you are gay followed by BOO!


                <---------Chuckling uncontrollably
                Lol now I'm laughing at my own post!
                But I was being serious!!!

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                  Why can't you take public transport to a store? You are an adult so start behaving like one. Why haven't you got your license? If as an adult you can't get from a to b without daddy then don't expect to be treated as one.

                  Your dad and brother are homophobes? Direct translation is they are scared of gay people. Lol
                  Tell them you are gay followed by BOO!
                  If they love you unconditionally they will accept it.
                  If they don't then you shouldn't accept their narrow minded views.

                  My parents were homophobic until my first cousin came out. They love him dearly regardless. And they are almost 80 years old.
                  Well yeah, I use Uber and Lyft sometimes. I would rather catch an Uber or a Lyft to a store, because I think it's safer than catching a bus. You can easily get mugged if you have shopping bags, and you're going on the bus. I still don't have a driver's license because driving does give me a bit of anxiety, but I also think I could possibly have ADHD which interferes with my ability to focus and pay attention. I plan on going to the doctor soon, to get tested.

                  I know you're trying to be funny, but they're not afraid of gay people. They HATE gay people, and make it very clear. A homophobe oftentimes isn't afraid of gay people, they dislike them. I agree with you, if they love me unconditionally they should accept it. But if they don't, that just shows what kind of people they are and that their love for me is only conditional.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    For some reason the term 'homophobic' has come into popular use. You're right that people don't fear gays. It should be more properly termed 'mishomic' (the Greek "mis" meaning dislike or hatred) or perhaps a combination of Latin and Greek, "Homo-odium" (noun) or "Homo-odious) (adj.)

                    This is why I found Maggie's comment so amusing.
                    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Darren2020 View Post

                      Well yeah, I use Uber and Lyft sometimes. I would rather catch an Uber or a Lyft to a store, because I think it's safer than catching a bus. You can easily get mugged if you have shopping bags, and you're going on the bus. I still don't have a driver's license because driving does give me a bit of anxiety, but I also think I could possibly have ADHD which interferes with my ability to focus and pay attention. I plan on going to the doctor soon, to get tested.
                      Darren, your dad is worried about you like any parent would be worried after a child that isn't all there. I don't think anyone wants to pick on you for your possible anxieties or ADHD but until you get that looked after all these excuses and perceived ailments are going to inhibit you from gaining full independence. Do you work or support yourself or pay rent? Your family in general seems a bit dysfunctional and I'm sensing that you're already aware of that. Until you start acting like a grown up, I don't think you're going to be treated like one.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                        Darren, your dad is worried about you like any parent would be worried after a child that isn't all there. I don't think anyone wants to pick on you for your possible anxieties or ADHD but until you get that looked after all these excuses and perceived ailments are going to inhibit you from gaining full independence. Do you work or support yourself or pay rent? Your family in general seems a bit dysfunctional and I'm sensing that you're already aware of that. Until you start acting like a grown up, I don't think you're going to be treated like one.
                        I don't work. I definitely want to get a part-time job for this summer. But I first want to go to the doctor to get tested for ADHD.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Darren2020 View Post

                          I don't work. I definitely want to get a part-time job for this summer. But I first want to go to the doctor to get tested for ADHD.
                          Why not get a full time job? Is it because of the possible ADHD?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post

                            Why not get a full time job? Is it because of the possible ADHD?
                            Well due to me also being a student, I don't think it will be wise to get a full-time job right now. The part time job I want to get for this summer, I will also probably keep once I go back to school.

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