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  • #16
    Originally posted by Lauren8785 View Post

    Thank you very much for your feedback Chanelle, I appreciate it a lot ! You could be right that he doesn't want a close friendship with me but honestly I'm not sure. To be honest I was hoping I would be making a new friend who is like a brother to me. I do have a couple male friends who I consider like brothers and thought maybe "Bob" could fit in but maybe not.

    Sure I could just not contact him and let him make the contact and ask to hangout. If he's a true friend he will and if not then I guess I will get my answer there.

    True that does make sense that many men don't want a high-maintenance friendship. What would you consider high-maintenance? I admit I do take my friendships seriously and I do like to communicate at least once a week with friends and hang out when we can, we all work so it's hard to get together at times. From knowing "Bob" so far what you said seems to fit him here the, "They'll get together with friends once in a while and the rest of the time, they prefer to focus on themselves, their lives, their stress and do what they want on their own time." That is how I perceive "Bob" or the vibe I get anyway.

    Actually, "Bob" told me his girlfriend was fine with him having female friends and has told her about me. I never met his girlfriend and he has never met my fiance, yet. Yeah, my fiance is fine with me having male friends and I am fine with him having female friends. I trust him and he trusts me. He knows I wouldn't do anything sneaky behind his back nor do I believe in cheating or messing around and my fiance shares that same value with me so I know he wouldn't do anything like that to me. We are always honest and upfront with each other and I let him know if I plan to hang out with a male friend and let him know what we are going to do. I never hide that from him and he's cool with it. I don't see anything wrong with having opposite-sex friends while being in a relationship as long as you keep it just that friends, and your partner knows then it shouldn't be an issue of any kind. It's nice to have a mixed bunch of friends in my opinion, not just females or males, but a mix of both. But again that's just me & how I roll. I get what you are saying though Chanelle and I respect the way you and your husband choose to be.


    Do you think I should tell "Bob" how I feel or just let it be & roll with it? Let whatever we have be what it is and not make a big deal of it. Although I do think my feelings should matter here as well.
    No problem, Lauren. Some guys find it to be too much work to nurture friendships especially with electronic communication which turns into a time trap. You two already work together and that's a lot of together time. Many guys want their own time whenever they're off the clock. Perhaps Bob is simply not that available to you as a friend and keep in mind that after work, his girlfriend comes first. After work and his girlfriend, he doesn't have much time leftover for friendships. There are only so many hours in the day.

    I'd back off and not contact him anymore. Let it be his call. If he wants to get together, then get together, if he wants to cultivate a friendship with you then follow his cue. He's most likely swamped with his own life with work, paying bills, chores, tasks, errands and his girlfriend wants his time after that.

    A high maintenance friendship is a friend who expects what the other party is not willing to give whether it's time communicating electronically or getting together at random. For some people, seeing and being with colleagues is more than enough and they need a break from seeing the same colleagues all week. They want to either be with different faces when they're not at work or a break from everyone, period. Perhaps Bob doesn't want a lot of togetherness and texting with people whom he works with all day, all week. He doesn't want to feel smothered.

    It's good that you and your fiance are fine with friends of the opposite gender.

    No, I don't think you should tell Bob how you feel because usually men aren't touchy-feely types and they'll think here we go again with typical girl drama. Yes, let whatever you have be what it is and not make a big deal of it. Your feelings matter of course but again, you're putting more importance in your friendship with Bob while he's less interested in putting forth the same type of energy and time you're putting into it. Since he's focusing on the majority of his life without you, consider this a signal to you and back off permanently. If you get nit-picky with him, you'll alienate him and you don't want that. Remain professional, cordial and your friendship with him will endure. Getting too personal with him with expressing your feelings will turn him off, your work relationship will become awkward and you don't want that. Keep things easy by you being an easy person to get along with and just roll with it. This is what's called being a low-maintenance person. Don't be perceived as needy and clingy because that's an instant turn-off and you don't want him to really go out of his way to avoid you. Don't create problems. Stay out of his way.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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    • #17
      Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

      I know you're disappointed but frankly, this dude just sounds like he's scouting for some stuff on the side and because you weren't giving him any green lights, he's moved onto someone else.

      Why not try and befriend some of the female co-workers and forget about making new male friends. There are some that have ulterior motives other then being platonic.

      Don't contact him again its his turn to do that. If he contacts you or suggests you guys hang out one on one again, why not invite your fiance along so he can meet him as well? If the dude is legit in wanting friends, he should be happy to meet another potential buddy.
      Thank you phasesofthemoon for your reply, it's much appreciated You're right I am disappointed because I thought I was actually making a new true friend here, but maybe I was wrong. Not sure if he was scouting for more than a friendship though cause he never came onto me in an inappropriate way and if he did I would have put him in his place cause I don't play games like that. I believe in being 100% faithful to my fiance.

      I won't contact him anymore, I will leave the ball in his court now. If Bob does contact me, then I will just keep it cool and not bring anything up and just let our friendship be whatever the heck it is & hang out and whatever. And yes, I would definitely introduce my fiance to him as well if he does decide to continue his friendship with me. I guess time will only tell now. If not, then it's his loss cause he lost a true friend.

      Yeah, I wouldn't mind making some female friends at work, we shall see if that develops in time.
      Last edited by Lauren8785; April 20th, 2018, 01:25 AM.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by chanelle View Post

        No problem, Lauren. Some guys find it to be too much work to nurture friendships especially with electronic communication which turns into a time trap. You two already work together and that's a lot of together time. Many guys want their own time whenever they're off the clock. Perhaps Bob is simply not that available to you as a friend and keep in mind that after work, his girlfriend comes first. After work and his girlfriend, he doesn't have much time leftover for friendships. There are only so many hours in the day.

        I'd back off and not contact him anymore. Let it be his call. If he wants to get together, then get together, if he wants to cultivate a friendship with you then follow his cue. He's most likely swamped with his own life with work, paying bills, chores, tasks, errands and his girlfriend wants his time after that.

        A high maintenance friendship is a friend who expects what the other party is not willing to give whether it's time communicating electronically or getting together at random. For some people, seeing and being with colleagues is more than enough and they need a break from seeing the same colleagues all week. They want to either be with different faces when they're not at work or a break from everyone, period. Perhaps Bob doesn't want a lot of togetherness and texting with people whom he works with all day, all week. He doesn't want to feel smothered.

        It's good that you and your fiance are fine with friends of the opposite gender.

        No, I don't think you should tell Bob how you feel because usually men aren't touchy-feely types and they'll think here we go again with typical girl drama. Yes, let whatever you have be what it is and not make a big deal of it. Your feelings matter of course but again, you're putting more importance in your friendship with Bob while he's less interested in putting forth the same type of energy and time you're putting into it. Since he's focusing on the majority of his life without you, consider this a signal to you and back off permanently. If you get nit-picky with him, you'll alienate him and you don't want that. Remain professional, cordial and your friendship with him will endure. Getting too personal with him with expressing your feelings will turn him off, your work relationship will become awkward and you don't want that. Keep things easy by you being an easy person to get along with and just roll with it. This is what's called being a low-maintenance person. Don't be perceived as needy and clingy because that's an instant turn-off and you don't want him to really go out of his way to avoid you. Don't create problems. Stay out of his way.

        You are spot on with your advice Chanelle and it all makes sense and I agree with what you all have said. I truly can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond, it does mean a lot

        I think you are right some guys just can't nurture a friendship; you are very accurate about some guys in general and Bob not having the capability to give as much to our friendship as I have. It hurts because I truly felt like I was making a true friend here, but perhaps I was wrong. I will definitely keep all of what you said in my mind.

        We do work together but lately, when I have worked he was off and when he was working I was off, so lately we haven't seen much of each other at work. But if we do work together again I will just keep it pleasant and act as if nothing has happened and keep it friendly. I certainly don't want things to be odd at work nor have any drama either.

        Yeah, I won't contact him anymore, the ball is in his court now and I won't tell him my feelings. I'll just let it be what it is and if he doesn't contact me again, then I know he wasn't a true friend after all. It's just odd he would tell me that he likes hanging out and talking to me and then acts like this and doesn't seem to make much effort. I don't know why someone would bother to pursue me, talk and hang out and then later act as if making an effort is too much work?? Seems very strange to me. Like why waste my time, if you are not going to be a real friend? That's what bugs me the most about this whole thing. It's like a hot and cold person. You never know what you will get with those types.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Lauren8785 View Post


          You are spot on with your advice Chanelle and it all makes sense and I agree with what you all have said. I truly can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond, it does mean a lot

          I think you are right some guys just can't nurture a friendship; you are very accurate about some guys in general and Bob not having the capability to give as much to our friendship as I have. It hurts because I truly felt like I was making a true friend here, but perhaps I was wrong. I will definitely keep all of what you said in my mind.

          We do work together but lately, when I have worked he was off and when he was working I was off, so lately we haven't seen much of each other at work. But if we do work together again I will just keep it pleasant and act as if nothing has happened and keep it friendly. I certainly don't want things to be odd at work nor have any drama either.

          Yeah, I won't contact him anymore, the ball is in his court now and I won't tell him my feelings. I'll just let it be what it is and if he doesn't contact me again, then I know he wasn't a true friend after all. It's just odd he would tell me that he likes hanging out and talking to me and then acts like this and doesn't seem to make much effort. I don't know why someone would bother to pursue me, talk and hang out and then later act as if making an effort is too much work?? Seems very strange to me. Like why waste my time, if you are not going to be a real friend? That's what bugs me the most about this whole thing. It's like a hot and cold person. You never know what you will get with those types.
          Thank you Lauren.

          You are hurt because you expected too much. Expect less from Bob and others and you will hurt less or not get hurt at all. When you expect less of others, you won't let yourself down. Don't put too much stock in people in general otherwise you'll be disappointed for the rest of your life when it comes to friendships. It is human nature for many people to treat others with indifference or as if they do not matter. People like Bob are a dime-a-dozen to me. Some people pretend to be good when they're really not and they're insincere. They're either passive aggressive by ignoring you or they'll say something unkind and snide to you. It's the way of the world.

          It's good to keep things pleasant at work. You don't want the workplace to feel awkward between you and Bob either. Remain natural, cordial and professional. You don't want drama at work or during non-work hours. You don't want Bob to feel as if you're hounding him. You don't want Bob to perceive you as insecure.

          Good about backing off and ceasing contact with Bob. Some people including Bob are flaky on this Earth. They're unreliable and you can't depend on them. You can't count on some people such as Bob or others. They say one thing, give you mixed signals and don't follow through. It's the way some people are, unfortunately. Some people such as Bob discover that friendships require cultivation yet they're not willing to make the time nor put forth the effort to keep it going. Some people either run out of gas in friendships or they lose interest. I've known people like that in my past. Don't waste your energy, time and resources on people who don't reciprocate. They're not worth it.
          Last edited by chanelle; April 20th, 2018, 03:51 AM.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #20
            Originally posted by chanelle View Post

            Thank you Lauren.

            You are hurt because you expected too much. Expect less from Bob and others and you will hurt less or not get hurt at all. When you expect less of others, you won't let yourself down. Don't put too much stock in people in general otherwise you'll be disappointed for the rest of your life when it comes to friendships. It is human nature for many people to treat others with indifference or as if they do not matter. People like Bob are a dime-a-dozen to me. Some people pretend to be good when they're really not and they're insincere. They're either passive aggressive by ignoring you or they'll say something unkind and snide to you. It's the way of the world.

            It's good to keep things pleasant at work. You don't want the workplace to feel awkward between you and Bob either. Remain natural, cordial and professional. You don't want drama at work or during non-work hours. You don't want Bob to feel as if you're hounding him. You don't want Bob to perceive you as insecure.

            Good about backing off and ceasing contact with Bob. Some people including Bob are flaky on this Earth. They're unreliable and you can't depend on them. You can't count on some people such as Bob or others. They say one thing, give you mixed signals and don't follow through. It's the way some people are, unfortunately. Some people such as Bob discover that friendships require cultivation yet they're not willing to make the time nor put forth the effort to keep it going. Some people either run out of gas in friendships or they lose interest. I've known people like that in my past. Don't waste your energy, time and resources on people who don't reciprocate. They're not worth it.
            You're welcome

            Honestly, I don't feel I expected too much from Bob, I mean to me a normal friendship is a balance of reciprocity which I feel is a normal realistic expectation to have with friends.

            Of course, not every friendship is equal in everything I realize that but when friends are interested in one another it's usually presented by asking them how they are, keeping in touch, spending time together, etc. At least that is how I view a friendship. I get that not everyone may view a friendship the same way I do but to me, how can you have a true friendship when it seems all one-sided? It just doesn't work and the person doing all the work feels tired of always making the effort and unimportant.

            I agree with you about not expecting too much from others. I try not to do that but with Bob, it would have been nice if he made more of an effort. I know he and his girlfriend have their own place together, household responsibilities and both of them work but when Bob and I have talked it sounds like he doesn't do much but just sit at home when he's not working & his girlfriend is working and in my mind he can't find a minute or two to text or message me on Facebook to say, "Hi, how are you"? Or "How was your day," it takes less than 2 minutes to send a message like that, plus to me, that doesn't require much effort either. He has told me he is stressed about his place and bills which is understandable I mean all of us adults worry about that stuff but still, it's no excuse to not make a little effort to nurture a friendship in my opinion. I realize I can't change Bob, maybe that is just how he is (which is odd to me) but to me, a friendship flows both ways and I won't tolerate one-sidedness.

            True, sadly, some people are flakey on this Earth and it boggles my mind how people can be that way. Amen to, "Don't waste your energy, time and resources on people who don't reciprocate. They're not worth it." Absolutely they are not worth it!

            If Bob does contact me should I then tell him how I feel or just carry on as if nothing happened? I feel it should be known that I value reciprocity in a friendship, but not sure if I should bring that up or just leave it and realize he may not always reciprocate?

            I'm not ending our friendship but I am putting it on the back burner for now with no contact until he can make some effort. If he doesn't, then I will just know he wasn't a real friend and move on.

            It's a little hard cause all the stuff he said/did. He told me he liked talking & hanging out with me, he walked me to my car and told me to text him when I got home so he knew I made it home ok, he paid for me a few times when we hung out, etc. He did nice things for me and it seemed like he cared but just this lack of not seeming interested & keeping in touch here & there; by asking how I am or how was your day or what have you been up to, is just really puzzling to me. I don't understand how you can seem like a true friend and then be like that to me? It just doesn't make sense. Trying to understand some people is truly a mystery at times.
            Last edited by Lauren8785; April 21st, 2018, 05:06 AM.

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            • #21
              You've put a lot of investment in this 'budding' so called friendship. Why? Are you left alone often by your fiance? Is he the only prospect for friendship that you've had a chance at or something?

              I don't mean to offend but I think your expectations when it comes to this guy to be rather deep and I'm wondering if there is another reason for being so very disappointed over his non enthusiasm to continue on in the friendship.

              I'm not ending our friendship but I am putting it on the back burner
              I think that isn't in your own best interests.
              Last edited by phasesofthemoon; April 21st, 2018, 11:46 AM.
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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              • #22
                Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                You've put a lot of investment in this 'budding' so called friendship. Why? Are you left alone often by your fiance? Is he the only prospect for friendship that you've had a chance at or something?

                I don't mean to offend but I think your expectations when it comes to this guy to be rather deep and I'm wondering if there is another reason for being so very disappointed over his non enthusiasm to continue on in the friendship.

                I think that isn't in your own best interests.
                Thank you for your input phasesofthemoon

                I put investment into this so-called friendship cause it felt nice that Bob reached out to me for friendship and I am looking to expand my friendship circle, so when Bob approached me I was open and accepting to it cause I truly thought he had interest in being my friend or so it seemed.

                For now, he was the only prospect for friendship. I'm a very outgoing person, so it's easy for me to make friends, so I am sure a new friend will come again in time. I'm not worried about him being the only friend I have made recently, I know I will make a new friend again in time.

                No, I'm not left alone by my fiance often. We don't live together yet, but he works in another city and commutes by train from where we live to work and then I have work as well but I work in our city. We see each other every other week and talk every day which I am fine & comfortable with. I balance my time for my family, fiance, and friends.

                I'm just super disappointed because I felt I was making a true friend here because of what he has done & said and now it's like this and it just doesn't make sense to me for someone to reach out in friendship, seem interested, and then later on act as if making an effort is difficult. To me, that's like leading someone on, so why would Bob waste his time doing that, if only not to put much effort into it on his part later on? Bob has told me, in our earlier conversations, that he wouldn't bother to pursue someone if he thought he would be wasting his time. So it's like what the heck?

                Why do you say you don't think me putting Bob and I's friendship on the back burner, wouldn't be for my best interest? Just curious.

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                • #23
                  I think you're too emotionally invested in Bob to continue the friendship so rather then put the friendship on the back burner and be open to it re-establishing it, I think you should deep six it and find someone that wants to be a friend to you like you want to be to them.

                  I don't know, call it a vibe but I find something distasteful or mistrustful (not sure of the right word) in someone who states he wants to make friends to hang out with instead of just letting the friendship grow organically.

                  When are you and your fiance getting married and will you be moving closer to his work so he's not only seeing him every other week?
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
                    I think you're too emotionally invested in Bob to continue the friendship so rather then put the friendship on the back burner and be open to it re-establishing it, I think you should deep six it and find someone that wants to be a friend to you like you want to be to them.

                    I don't know, call it a vibe but I find something distasteful or mistrustful (not sure of the right word) in someone who states he wants to make friends to hang out with instead of just letting the friendship grow organically.

                    When are you and your fiance getting married and will you be moving closer to his work so he's not only seeing him every other week?
                    Yeah, perhaps I am too emotionally invested (because I truly do care) but I do take my friendships seriously whereas Bob doesn't seem to take them as strongly as I do, it seems he likes the "loose" kind of friendships where you talk and hang whenever I guess is how I would best describe it and for me I like to have a more in-depth friendship where we talk and hang out occasionally, so I do see that difference between us. True, maybe it's better that I just find a friend that is looking for the same thing I am looking for in a friendship.

                    I agree, I do find it strange, not sure if it's a bad or distrustful vibe either- that he approached me for friendship and wanted to hang out and we have and all that jazz and now it doesn't seem like he wants to put much into the friendship. Like why even bother, if that was going to be the end result? Doesn't make sense to me.

                    Honestly, I am not sure when we are getting married. I am not in a hurry to walk down the aisle and just because we are engaged doesn't mean we have to tie the knot right away either, so many people are judgemental on that and I hate that. There are somethings financially and other stuff that we have to work on first before planning a wedding and finding a place together, which we both agreed on. We live in the same city, it's just that he works in a different city so it's hard to be together with our work schedules on a regular basis. But he said he wants to live somewhere else and not stay in the city we both are currently residing in, but where he wants to move to I am not sure yet he didn't exactly say where he wants to move to; we have to talk about that for the future.
                    Last edited by Lauren8785; April 22nd, 2018, 01:12 AM.

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                    • #25
                      Yeah maybe I am too emotionally invested in Bob (because I really do care) and I should find a friend who is looking for the same things that I look for in a friendship. I do take my friendships seriously and it doesn't seem like Bob takes his as seriously. It seems like Bob likes "loose" types of friendships, where he just talks and hangs out with them whenever. Whereas I like more in-depth friendships where we talk & hang out occasionally. I see that difference between Bob and I.

                      I agree, I am not sure if it's a bad or mistrustful vibe either but I do think it's strange Bob approached me first for friendship & wanting to hang out, which we did and all that jazz and now it seems he doesn't want to put much effort into it. It's like why bother to do all that when the end result is this? Doesn't make much sense to me.

                      Honestly, I am not sure when we are getting married. I am not in a hurry to walk down the aisle and I hate when people are judgemental on that. Just because we are engaged doesn't mean we have to tie the knot instantly. We have financial and other stuff to work on first before we get married and find a place together which we both agreed on. I know he doesn't want to stay in the city we are both currently living in. He has talked about moving somewhere else but where exactly he didn't say it's something we have to talk about for our future.

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                      • #26
                        Hi Lauren.

                        Your normal realistic expectation is unrealistic for many, unfortunately. And, unfortunately, you need to lower your expectation of others otherwise you'll forever be disappointed. Keep in mind, most people lack social graces. Rudeness and indifference are the norm in society. You don't have to like it but you have to accept this is how people are.

                        I agree, about friendships being about asking how they are, keeping in touch, spending time together, etc. but it is naive of you (with all due respect) to think that's how it should be. Yes, it's how it should be in a perfect world but again, people usually don't want to invest in that much time and energy even if it's an occasional text. They quickly don't care. It's a harsh reality check. Unfortunately, many friendships are indeed one-sided. One side does most of the work to cultivate, nurture and maintain it. Eventually you'll burn out and thus, the relationship fizzles. Try not to get offended when you are ignored and try not to take it personally. I know it's easier said than done but don't take it personally. Bob or other people are very busy with their own lives and don't want to be bothered or don't want to bother. People are indifferent and lazy when it comes to caring for the same values you do. They feel "blah" when it comes to friendships and the friendship dies. It's very normal and universal.

                        It boggles your mind about how flaky people are but once you become older, you'll become wary and jaded. Nothing will surprise you anymore. So many people will not care. It's the way of the world. I was young and naive once; no more. I've been around the block a few times.

                        If Bob contacts you, no, don't tell him how you feel otherwise you'll alienate him because you'll cause him to stomp out this fire (or typical female drama in his eyes). If Bob contacts you, keep friendship with him easy by acting natural, get together for a meal, don't get too personal with discussions by keeping in mind he has a girlfriend to confide to, don't hound him with texts, in fact don't text him regularly. Let him steer the ship; not you. Limit getting together and limit texting. Keep your friendship fresh. If you over do it with getting together and texting, he's going to avoid you even more than now and your friendship with him will grow stale. You work together, perhaps go out to lunch once in a while, exercise discretion, know your boundaries and keep things light. Friendships endure when you back off a lot. Give people a lot of breathing room.

                        Yes, expect that Bob will NOT reciprocate. Don't bring that up, don't tell him how you feel and just carry on as if nothing happened. Bringing up your feelings will create too much drama for him and he doesn't want to deal with that. He's a man. Most men don't want to deal with female feelings, he said / she said drama and that tangled web. It's too messy and complicated for Bob and most men. Keep your friendship SIMPLE. If you complicate your friendship with Bob by expressing your feelings, you'll scare him off and he'll run away from you.

                        You don't have to give up nor end your friendship with Bob. All you need to do is back off from him and not over think this too much because obviously he certainly doesn't care about you. I'm sure he's polite at work and nice to you but perhaps this is all he wants and this is his comfort zone which you need to respect and honor. If he wants to make some effort, that's his call and his timing. In the meantime, you just get busy with your own life. If he wants to cultivate, nurture and maintain a friendship with you, he'll let you know and if not, there is your answer and there is your message loud and clear.

                        You are very kind when you say certain people are a mystery to you. I'm more blunt and will say that some people are smooth and slick. They tell you one thing, whisper sweet nothings in your ear, make you believe how wonderful they must be, oh how nice they are and then they show their true colors to you with their behavior and their actions or non-actions, what they say or don't say. This is why I'm quite wary and jaded regarding the human race. I don't take a lot of stock in people anymore. I hate to say this but most people are bad and genuinely not good. Most people pretend to be good but they're not sincerely good. Finding a person who is sincerely and consistently good is rare in this world. Sure, they exist but but they're rare.

                        I hate to say it but Bob played you. He wasn't serious. Don't take him seriously either. A true friend doesn't treat you the way he did. Don't set your hopes up with Bob otherwise you'll continue to become disappointed time after time. Go your own way in life and if he comes around, he will and if not, hope you get his message.


                        Originally posted by Lauren8785 View Post

                        You're welcome

                        Honestly, I don't feel I expected too much from Bob, I mean to me a normal friendship is a balance of reciprocity which I feel is a normal realistic expectation to have with friends.

                        Of course, not every friendship is equal in everything I realize that but when friends are interested in one another it's usually presented by asking them how they are, keeping in touch, spending time together, etc. At least that is how I view a friendship. I get that not everyone may view a friendship the same way I do but to me, how can you have a true friendship when it seems all one-sided? It just doesn't work and the person doing all the work feels tired of always making the effort and unimportant.

                        I agree with you about not expecting too much from others. I try not to do that but with Bob, it would have been nice if he made more of an effort. I know he and his girlfriend have their own place together, household responsibilities and both of them work but when Bob and I have talked it sounds like he doesn't do much but just sit at home when he's not working & his girlfriend is working and in my mind he can't find a minute or two to text or message me on Facebook to say, "Hi, how are you"? Or "How was your day," it takes less than 2 minutes to send a message like that, plus to me, that doesn't require much effort either. He has told me he is stressed about his place and bills which is understandable I mean all of us adults worry about that stuff but still, it's no excuse to not make a little effort to nurture a friendship in my opinion. I realize I can't change Bob, maybe that is just how he is (which is odd to me) but to me, a friendship flows both ways and I won't tolerate one-sidedness.

                        True, sadly, some people are flakey on this Earth and it boggles my mind how people can be that way. Amen to, "Don't waste your energy, time and resources on people who don't reciprocate. They're not worth it." Absolutely they are not worth it!

                        If Bob does contact me should I then tell him how I feel or just carry on as if nothing happened? I feel it should be known that I value reciprocity in a friendship, but not sure if I should bring that up or just leave it and realize he may not always reciprocate?

                        I'm not ending our friendship but I am putting it on the back burner for now with no contact until he can make some effort. If he doesn't, then I will just know he wasn't a real friend and move on.

                        It's a little hard cause all the stuff he said/did. He told me he liked talking & hanging out with me, he walked me to my car and told me to text him when I got home so he knew I made it home ok, he paid for me a few times when we hung out, etc. He did nice things for me and it seemed like he cared but just this lack of not seeming interested & keeping in touch here & there; by asking how I am or how was your day or what have you been up to, is just really puzzling to me. I don't understand how you can seem like a true friend and then be like that to me? It just doesn't make sense. Trying to understand some people is truly a mystery at times.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                        • #27
                          I agree, I do find it strange, not sure if it's a bad or distrustful vibe either- that he approached me for friendship and wanted to hang out and we have and all that jazz and now it doesn't seem like he wants to put much into the friendship. Like why even bother, if that was going to be the end result? Doesn't make sense to me.
                          It's like any relationship. After getting to know someone better, sometimes one or the other just doesn't think there is a good enough connection to nurture things.
                          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                          • #28
                            Hi Chanelle


                            Yeah, perhaps my normal realistic expectation is unrealistic to many, sadly. True, people do lack social graces and you're right I do have to accept that some people are that way in today's society- rude and indifferent.


                            For me, I view the world in a more upbeat light. I know there are rude, immoral, insensitive, and thoughtless people in the world no doubt about it (society & it's values have definitely gone by the wayside over the past couple of decades) but I always see the good in other people. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt until they show me otherwise they are not someone I would want to continue to associate with. I don't look at the world in a pessimistic viewpoint nor do I think most humans are mediocre.

                            Bob, is the first person I have ever met in my life that I have experienced a one-sided friendship feeling too. All my other friends have checked in with me occasionally and proved to me they were true friends who made an effort- communication wise. This is why it's such a mind-blowing incident for me cause I never experienced this before with someone. Honestly, I don't like being ignored it's one thing I absolutely hate but I know I can't make people talk to me, if they want to talk to me they will and if not then oh well I guess not much I can really do about it, although it is a crappy feeling nevertheless. I guess we all live and learn with our friendships in life. As some of the quotes I have seen around the Internet say, "Some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." Maybe "Bob" came into my life for a reason to teach me to appreciate the true real friends that I do have, not that I already don't but even more so now. Ever since I have noticed this with Bob it made me reflect on the other friendships I have and how those friends have been there with me and stuck by me through the ups and downs of life. I would never take them for granted either, those friendships I truly do cherish.

                            It is sad though that some people just don't seem to value a true friendship and seem to realize how rewarding it can be by being lazy and indifferent to them. Their loss I guess for missing out on a possible wonderful opportunity.

                            Yeah, I will just keep things simple with Bob if I see him in person at work but for now, I am done with reaching out to him, like you said he should steer the ship and if he lets it sink then his loss in all honesty cause he's missing out on a good person here. Bob is nice to me he was never mean or rude to me other than just not being reciprocal when it comes to communication ( reaching out 1st at times and making that effort). I will respect his comfort zone.

                            I agree with you some people talk a good game that is for dang sure. Honestly, I can't blame you for being jaded and wary when people do put on a front. Sometimes it takes a while to see though cause they are such great actors. Yes absolutely, genuine real good people are rare, totally agree. That is one reason my circle of friends is small. Sure, I am open-minded, friendly, outgoing and accepting of others that is how my personality is, but it's hard for me to just let anyone enter my circle. I do keep my guard up but Bob seemed to prove me otherwise until now of course. Yep, a true friend doesn't treat me like Bob is treating me now. A true friend checks in on you from time to time, not every day, but maybe once or twice a week and makes that mutual effort. A real friend doesn't let the other friend do all the work, that doesn't fly with me.

                            Thank you I totally agree with your last sentence/paragraph I will just go about my business and live my life and if Bob becomes part of it good and if not then oh well, his loss not mine, he lost a genuine friend.



                            Thanks, phasesofthemoon as well, yeah I don't know why he would think there is not a good enough reason to nurture things. I never gave him any negative reasons not to. *Shrugs*

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                            • #29
                              Originally posted by Lauren8785 View Post
                              Hi Chanelle


                              Yeah, perhaps my normal realistic expectation is unrealistic to many, sadly. True, people do lack social graces and you're right I do have to accept that some people are that way in today's society- rude and indifferent.


                              For me, I view the world in a more upbeat light. I know there are rude, immoral, insensitive, and thoughtless people in the world no doubt about it (society & it's values have definitely gone by the wayside over the past couple of decades) but I always see the good in other people. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt until they show me otherwise they are not someone I would want to continue to associate with. I don't look at the world in a pessimistic viewpoint nor do I think most humans are mediocre.

                              Bob, is the first person I have ever met in my life that I have experienced a one-sided friendship feeling too. All my other friends have checked in with me occasionally and proved to me they were true friends who made an effort- communication wise. This is why it's such a mind-blowing incident for me cause I never experienced this before with someone. Honestly, I don't like being ignored it's one thing I absolutely hate but I know I can't make people talk to me, if they want to talk to me they will and if not then oh well I guess not much I can really do about it, although it is a crappy feeling nevertheless. I guess we all live and learn with our friendships in life. As some of the quotes I have seen around the Internet say, "Some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." Maybe "Bob" came into my life for a reason to teach me to appreciate the true real friends that I do have, not that I already don't but even more so now. Ever since I have noticed this with Bob it made me reflect on the other friendships I have and how those friends have been there with me and stuck by me through the ups and downs of life. I would never take them for granted either, those friendships I truly do cherish.

                              It is sad though that some people just don't seem to value a true friendship and seem to realize how rewarding it can be by being lazy and indifferent to them. Their loss I guess for missing out on a possible wonderful opportunity.

                              Yeah, I will just keep things simple with Bob if I see him in person at work but for now, I am done with reaching out to him, like you said he should steer the ship and if he lets it sink then his loss in all honesty cause he's missing out on a good person here. Bob is nice to me he was never mean or rude to me other than just not being reciprocal when it comes to communication ( reaching out 1st at times and making that effort). I will respect his comfort zone.

                              I agree with you some people talk a good game that is for dang sure. Honestly, I can't blame you for being jaded and wary when people do put on a front. Sometimes it takes a while to see though cause they are such great actors. Yes absolutely, genuine real good people are rare, totally agree. That is one reason my circle of friends is small. Sure, I am open-minded, friendly, outgoing and accepting of others that is how my personality is, but it's hard for me to just let anyone enter my circle. I do keep my guard up but Bob seemed to prove me otherwise until now of course. Yep, a true friend doesn't treat me like Bob is treating me now. A true friend checks in on you from time to time, not every day, but maybe once or twice a week and makes that mutual effort. A real friend doesn't let the other friend do all the work, that doesn't fly with me.

                              Thank you I totally agree with your last sentence/paragraph I will just go about my business and live my life and if Bob becomes part of it good and if not then oh well, his loss not mine, he lost a genuine friend.



                              Thanks, phasesofthemoon as well, yeah I don't know why he would think there is not a good enough reason to nurture things. I never gave him any negative reasons not to. *Shrugs*
                              Hi Lauren

                              We agree that some people lack social graces, they're rude and indifferent.

                              You're a lot younger than I am and once you reach a certain age, you'll only find out from experience, trial and error regarding how some people behave and it's not pretty. There's nothing I can tell you to believe otherwise. Life teaches people wisdom. You'll only gain wisdom from good and bad experiences.

                              I'm different than you are. I don't wait for people to show me their bad side because I've had more than my fair share of bad treatment from so many people. However, it's not to say I don't have good people in my life. It's just that good people are hard to find and I'm tired of seeking new people in my life. I'm perfectly satisfied with friends and family within my current existing circle. My plate is full. Sure, I have a lot of acquaintances in my life but my true blue friends are here to stay because I've known them for decades and ever since childhood. I guess I'm tired of starting brand new friendships and the time and energy they require for me to cultivate, nurture and maintain friendships. I don't have any spare time. Besides for me, I'm married to the love of my life and I don't need anyone else. Yes, I meet occasional friends but I don't crave them. All of my needs are met and I am quietly content. I say go for it as you seek new friendships. There's nothing wrong with it and there are nice people who will enter your life. I'm "blah" because I don't get so excited regarding new friendships. My life is just fine the way it is. I guess I'm too settled and comfortable. I'm too confident and secure at this stage in my life.

                              I've had crappy feelings from certain friends and acquaintances in my past. I guess this is why I don't try so hard to make it work anymore. I don't have anything to lose so I don't invest my time, resources and energy in people I could care less about. I hope Bob comes around for you and if he doesn't, he's not worth losing sleep over. There are other fish in the sea.

                              Having great friends is indeed enjoyable. However, the older I get, the more I cherish my family and extended family. Friends are nice to have but I always tend to go back to family because family is more reliable or at least where I come from. We may not always agree but at least we have each other's backs and while friends are nice to have, blood is thicker than water. If I were lonely, I would crave friendships but since my needs are met, I'm secure with my status in life.

                              It's good that you'll be an easy going person regarding Bob. Focus on yourself instead of Bob. Bob is obviously not focused on you so you go about your own life.

                              Also, keep in mind that friends will waft in and out of your life depending on where you are and what stage you are in. People move away, change jobs, lose interest, drift apart and then you'll make new friends along the way, too.





                              "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                              • #30
                                Hi Chanelle

                                That is true I am young yet and I am sure as I get older and with my experiences; I will see what you see regarding how some people behave and it won't be pretty. I'm starting to see a little of that now because a lot of people's poor behavior really makes me question why those people are the way they are. I wish I knew the answers, that is why it just scrambles my mind so much. I want to understand, but I can't cause I don't know how others minds work unless they explain themselves or I ask. But even then they might not be very self-aware of why they do what they do. Shrugs. I agree as I am getting older that saying is so true, "Life certainly teaches people wisdom" and you learn from the good, the bad, and the ugly in life that is for certain.


                                I respect you are different than me I'm always open to hearing other's perspectives on life and their experiences. It helps me to learn as well and gain a different viewpoint. We see eye to eye with good people are hard to find, they truly are. With me, though sometimes it takes me a while to notice someone's true colors (if it's negative/toxic) once I do I cut my ties with them cause I don't want to be around toxic people.


                                I'm glad you are satisfied with the friends and family in your current circle and don't see any need to expand it since those people fulfill your needs, including your husband. That's great you are happy and content! Nothing wrong with being comfortable, confident, secure, and settled in your stage of life. If that makes you truly happy I say many kudos and that's all that matters


                                Thanks, yes I will continue to seek new friendships though. I do have a small group I hangout with at times, but for me sometimes just having "fresh" faces to hang out with is nice as well instead of the same old group all the time. It's something new and different for me so I admit I may get excited when I do meet someone new and I don't know why that is exactly. I guess just because it's just that, new. Plus, I love meeting new people, it gives me a chance to broaden my horizons so to speak, can't learn anything new if you're with the same people all the time. So I enjoy learning and expanding with other people if that makes sense. Nothing wrong with my group, awesome people, but sometimes I just want a change and I don't think there is anything wrong with exploring other people to eventually become apart of my circle


                                Thank you, I hope Bob does come around for me as well but I won't hold my breath either. Like you said, don't expect much from people and I am going to try & do just that. If it does happen with Bob cool and if not then a lesson learned and life goes on. I can't make Bob stay my friend if he truly doesn't care to be. Sad though cause I thought from our conversations we had a good connection It just means later down the line someone hopefully better who wants to nurture a friendship will come along. True, there are other fish in the sea.


                                Yes, friends are indeed enjoyable. I am glad you cherish your family and extended family & they are reliable and have your back I am close to my immediate family (parents and siblings) and they certainly mean a lot to me as well and I know they have my back & are reliable. With my extended family though I am not as close to (long story there) when we have family get-togethers for the holidays, I just keep it civil and peaceful and just try to enjoy the moment for what it is. I don't get excited much about extended family cause we have had our share of differences and they're just very different from me. For me some of my friends are better to me than family, so that is also why I take my friendships more seriously because some of my friends have been better to me than extended family, which I honestly feel is sad cause to me a family shouldn't be that way, but it is what it is.



                                Oh, I totally understand that friends waft in and out of life depending on where and what stage we are in, in life. I admit sometimes that is difficult for me cause I hate changes but I know there is no stopping them from happening it's just hard to deal with sometimes.


                                You seem like a really cool lady Chanelle I truly enjoy our conversations here. I appreciate you taking the time to reply & give your thoughts as well as sharing your experiences and views about life and friendships it does mean a lot. I wish you all the best too in your life.

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