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  • Confused on this new friendship

    Hello All,

    I am new to this forum and I would appreciate some advice please and thanks.

    A few weeks ago "Bob" came up to me at work & asked if I had a phone and mentioned he wanted to make new friends for hanging out with. I gave him my phone and he put his number in there and I said, "Sure, that's cool. I will text you when I get off work." Which I did & we have been talking and have hung out a few times since then.

    "Bob" is really cool I enjoy talking to him & hanging out as he reciprocated the same feelings towards me. Telling me a few times that he enjoys talking and hanging out with me as well. We both talked about what we look for in friendships and saw eye to eye on it all; followed by seeing what common interests we have.

    Now granted I don't know "Bob" all that well yet since this is fairly a new friendship but lately I feel like I am the one who does all the contacting first. He has a couple of times but the majority of the time it's me.

    Recently, six days went by and I didn't hear from him so last night I decided to check in and see how he's doing. He didn't really say much other than he's just been busy-stressed out lately with his new place, planning things, and bills. "Bob" never asked me how I was doing or what I have been up to since the last time we talked. I asked all the questions and he just answered them. I mean I understand about being stressed and all but I don't think that means you don't check in with your friend or don't bother to seem interested in what they have been up to.

    He seems eager to hang out though, he usually asks me when I am free and we plan a day to hang out. This past week I have asked to hang out he said he would get back to me about it but didn't. He just told me he'd see how his week looked but never got back to me on when he would be free. I let it go this time cause the day I asked to hang out I ended up not feeling like it anyway; so I didn't bother to follow up with him about it.

    Now last night, when I checked in with him almost a week from not hearing from him. I asked if we could hang this upcoming week and he told me the same thing, he'll see how it looks. I'm thinking he won't get back to me like he did the last time but who knows, maybe he will. He always seemed eager to hang out & always got back to me when he was free. But last week (since he didn't get back to me) and last night he didn't seem like he wanted to by just saying he would see how it looks. *Shrugs*

    We haven't had any problems or negative talks, so there are no issues between us. All of our conversations have been fine.

    I'm not just sure what to do here since this is a new friendship and I don't know him all that well yet. I feel like this is turning into a one-sided friendship with me putting in all of the work. I do most of the contacting and I feel contact should be a two-way street in a friendship, not one person doing all the work. I'm not sure if I should bring how I feel to "Bob's" attention or just give it some time since this is a new friendship??

    I mean it would seem like he is interested in being my friend or he wouldn't have approached me first at work nor talk to me. Throughout our conversations, he did tell me he thought our friendship was worth pursuing or he wouldn't have bothered at all cause he wouldn't want to waste his time if he didn't feel it was worth it but if that's the case then why doesn't he put some effort into contacting me first at times? It seems very odd to me.

    What do you guys think?? Thanks for listening and taking the time to share your thoughts.
    Last edited by Lauren8785; April 19th, 2018, 04:03 AM.

  • #2
    Maybe he feels your'e coming on a bit strong with all your messaging & he's scared you may want something more than a friendship.
    Give yourself a break & don't message him & just wait until he messages you.
    If he doesn't then don't worry about him & stick to the friends you already have!

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Monmouth View Post
      Maybe he feels your'e coming on a bit strong with all your messaging & he's scared you may want something more than a friendship.
      Give yourself a break & don't message him & just wait until he messages you.
      If he doesn't then don't worry about him & stick to the friends you already have!
      Thanks for your input. I don't message him often, usually once a week. I haven't talked to him since last Wednesday and messaged him last night ( 6 days). We both have significant others. He has a girlfriend & lives with her and I have a fiance but we don't live together yet. "Bob" and I are just interested in friendship and both of or significant others knows this. I don't think he would think I am coming on to strong or have feelings for him and I don't have any romantic feelings for him. I just believe friendship is a two-way street here and friends at least try to talk to each other every now and then, it doesn't need to be daily.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Lauren8785 View Post

        Thanks for your input. I don't message him often, usually once a week. I haven't talked to him since last Wednesday and messaged him last night ( 6 days). We both have significant others. He has a girlfriend & lives with her and I have a fiance but we don't live together yet. "Bob" and I are just interested in friendship and both of or significant others knows this. I don't think he would think I am coming on to strong or have feelings for him and I don't have any romantic feelings for him. I just believe friendship is a two-way street here and friends at least try to talk to each other every now and then, it doesn't need to be daily.
        I'm sorry if I misunderstood your original post. I don't know why he isn't responding to your friendship offer but I wouldn't worry about it.
        He maybe is just stressed at the moment like he said.

        Comment


        • #5
          I think he's giving you signals by doing a fade out and semi-ignoring you because it's his "nice" way of letting you know that he doesn't want a close friendship with you. He's too polite to say it so he's showing you through his actions to back off. If you want a friendship with him, you'll have to follow his cue and let HIM contact you instead of you doing all the initiating. Cease contact with him and he'll contact you if he wants a friendship with you. If he grows less interested in you over time and / or only wishes to get together at random once in a while, you either go along with it according to his wishes and his timeline or you call it quits and just remain professional and cordial at the workplace.

          Some or many men don't want a high-maintenance friendship. They'll get together with friends once in a while and the rest of the time, they prefer to focus on themselves, their lives, their stress and do what they want on their own time. A lot of men don't like clingy or needy friends. Many men prefer more independent women who don't put the man's interests and whereabouts first.

          He has a girlfriend. He's very busy and keep in mind, SHE most likely doesn't like the fact that he has a female friend. I'm a wife and I certainly wouldn't want my husband to have a female friend. No way. It's not about trust either. He should confide in me, we eat our meals together and I'm enough female companionship for him. That's why we are married. My husband wouldn't want me to have male friends either. Despite these modern times, this is how it is in serious committed relationships.

          If your fiance is fine with your having male friends, to each his or her own. When I was engaged, my fiance was my whole world and there were no other males in the picture except him in my life but that's just me and the way I was. Same with my then fiance (now husband). It was out of the question for him to have female friends to hang out with, have drinks with, etc. I too was his whole world.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Lauren8785 View Post
            Hello All,

            I am new to this forum and I would appreciate some advice please and thanks.

            A few weeks ago "Bob" came up to me at work & asked if I had a phone and mentioned he wanted to make new friends for hanging out with. I gave him my phone and he put his number in there and I said, "Sure, that's cool. I will text you when I get off work." Which I did & we have been talking and have hung out a few times since then.

            "Bob" is really cool I enjoy talking to him & hanging out as he reciprocated the same feelings towards me. Telling me a few times that he enjoys talking and hanging out with me as well. We both talked about what we look for in friendships and saw eye to eye on it all; followed by seeing what common interests we have.

            Now granted I don't know "Bob" all that well yet since this is fairly a new friendship but lately I feel like I am the one who does all the contacting first. He has a couple of times but the majority of the time it's me.

            Recently, six days went by and I didn't hear from him so last night I decided to check in and see how he's doing. He didn't really say much other than he's just been busy-stressed out lately with his new place, planning things, and bills. "Bob" never asked me how I was doing or what I have been up to since the last time we talked. I asked all the questions and he just answered them. I mean I understand about being stressed and all but I don't think that means you don't check in with your friend or don't bother to seem interested in what they have been up to.

            He seems eager to hang out though, he usually asks me when I am free and we plan a day to hang out. This past week I have asked to hang out he said he would get back to me about it but didn't. He just told me he'd see how his week looked but never got back to me on when he would be free. I let it go this time cause the day I asked to hang out I ended up not feeling like it anyway; so I didn't bother to follow up with him about it.

            Now last night, when I checked in with him almost a week from not hearing from him. I asked if we could hang this upcoming week and he told me the same thing, he'll see how it looks. I'm thinking he won't get back to me like he did the last time but who knows, maybe he will. He always seemed eager to hang out & always got back to me when he was free. But last week (since he didn't get back to me) and last night he didn't seem like he wanted to by just saying he would see how it looks. *Shrugs*

            We haven't had any problems or negative talks, so there are no issues between us. All of our conversations have been fine.

            I'm not just sure what to do here since this is a new friendship and I don't know him all that well yet. I feel like this is turning into a one-sided friendship with me putting in all of the work. I do most of the contacting and I feel contact should be a two-way street in a friendship, not one person doing all the work. I'm not sure if I should bring how I feel to "Bob's" attention or just give it some time since this is a new friendship??

            I mean it would seem like he is interested in being my friend or he wouldn't have approached me first at work nor talk to me. Throughout our conversations, he did tell me he thought our friendship was worth pursuing or he wouldn't have bothered at all cause he wouldn't want to waste his time if he didn't feel it was worth it but if that's the case then why doesn't he put some effort into contacting me first at times? It seems very odd to me.

            What do you guys think?? Thanks for listening and taking the time to share your thoughts.
            You only exchanged phone numbers a "few weeks" ago?
            And you tell me you usually only message him once a week?
            Sooooo.... you have messaged him what ? 3 times in total? And consider it a one sided friendship?
            Why do you care??

            I imagine Bob was seeking an affair and since you disclosed in one of your 3 messages that you are engaged , he has stopped pursuing. Maybe???

            He is not a friend.

            Comment


            • #7
              After hanging out with you a few times, he's probably discovered that he's not having as good a time as he says he is. Stop contacting him. He isn't interested.
              "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Monmouth View Post

                I'm sorry if I misunderstood your original post. I don't know why he isn't responding to your friendship offer but I wouldn't worry about it.
                He maybe is just stressed at the moment like he said.

                Thanks, it's ok Monmouth if you misunderstood. True, maybe he truly is just stressed out about whatever at the moment which I will keep in mind.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by chanelle View Post
                  I think he's giving you signals by doing a fade out and semi-ignoring you because it's his "nice" way of letting you know that he doesn't want a close friendship with you. He's too polite to say it so he's showing you through his actions to back off. If you want a friendship with him, you'll have to follow his cue and let HIM contact you instead of you doing all the initiating. Cease contact with him and he'll contact you if he wants a friendship with you. If he grows less interested in you over time and / or only wishes to get together at random once in a while, you either go along with it according to his wishes and his timeline or you call it quits and just remain professional and cordial at the workplace.

                  Some or many men don't want a high-maintenance friendship. They'll get together with friends once in a while and the rest of the time, they prefer to focus on themselves, their lives, their stress and do what they want on their own time. A lot of men don't like clingy or needy friends. Many men prefer more independent women who don't put the man's interests and whereabouts first.

                  He has a girlfriend. He's very busy and keep in mind, SHE most likely doesn't like the fact that he has a female friend. I'm a wife and I certainly wouldn't want my husband to have a female friend. No way. It's not about trust either. He should confide in me, we eat our meals together and I'm enough female companionship for him. That's why we are married. My husband wouldn't want me to have male friends either. Despite these modern times, this is how it is in serious committed relationships.

                  If your fiance is fine with your having male friends, to each his or her own. When I was engaged, my fiance was my whole world and there were no other males in the picture except him in my life but that's just me and the way I was. Same with my then fiance (now husband). It was out of the question for him to have female friends to hang out with, have drinks with, etc. I too was his whole world.
                  Thank you very much for your feedback Chanelle, I appreciate it a lot ! You could be right that he doesn't want a close friendship with me but honestly I'm not sure. To be honest I was hoping I would be making a new friend who is like a brother to me. I do have a couple male friends who I consider like brothers and thought maybe "Bob" could fit in but maybe not.

                  Sure I could just not contact him and let him make the contact and ask to hangout. If he's a true friend he will and if not then I guess I will get my answer there.

                  True that does make sense that many men don't want a high-maintenance friendship. What would you consider high-maintenance? I admit I do take my friendships seriously and I do like to communicate at least once a week with friends and hang out when we can, we all work so it's hard to get together at times. From knowing "Bob" so far what you said seems to fit him here the, "They'll get together with friends once in a while and the rest of the time, they prefer to focus on themselves, their lives, their stress and do what they want on their own time." That is how I perceive "Bob" or the vibe I get anyway.

                  Actually, "Bob" told me his girlfriend was fine with him having female friends and has told her about me. I never met his girlfriend and he has never met my fiance, yet. Yeah, my fiance is fine with me having male friends and I am fine with him having female friends. I trust him and he trusts me. He knows I wouldn't do anything sneaky behind his back nor do I believe in cheating or messing around and my fiance shares that same value with me so I know he wouldn't do anything like that to me. We are always honest and upfront with each other and I let him know if I plan to hang out with a male friend and let him know what we are going to do. I never hide that from him and he's cool with it. I don't see anything wrong with having opposite-sex friends while being in a relationship as long as you keep it just that friends, and your partner knows then it shouldn't be an issue of any kind. It's nice to have a mixed bunch of friends in my opinion, not just females or males, but a mix of both. But again that's just me & how I roll. I get what you are saying though Chanelle and I respect the way you and your husband choose to be.


                  Do you think I should tell "Bob" how I feel or just let it be & roll with it? Let whatever we have be what it is and not make a big deal of it. Although I do think my feelings should matter here as well.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post

                    You only exchanged phone numbers a "few weeks" ago?
                    And you tell me you usually only message him once a week?
                    Sooooo.... you have messaged him what ? 3 times in total? And consider it a one sided friendship?
                    Why do you care??

                    I imagine Bob was seeking an affair and since you disclosed in one of your 3 messages that you are engaged , he has stopped pursuing. Maybe???

                    He is not a friend.
                    Yes, roughly a month ago. Yes, I message him about once or twice a week I don't really keep count, but I'm not constantly texting him or anything. I have a life and other things to do as well, besides texting someone all the time.

                    We have exchanged several messages since we started talking ( again don't know the exact amount) and had great conversations on Facebook Messenger and in texts messages and when we do hang in person it's always a good time and conversation as well.


                    I'm starting to think it's one-sided because I do most of the contacting, he has only contacted me a couple of times first on his own. To me in a friendship, it should be balanced. A give and take. I contact him sometimes and he contacts me sometimes, that's usually how a friendship flows.


                    I care because given our talks and hanging out we truly seemed to enjoy each other's company and I was glad to make a new friend. Why wouldn't I care? Lol.

                    No, Bob has a girlfriend and I have a fiance. We aren't interested in each other in that way whatsoever.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I'm not really understanding (help me understand) why Bob is so important to you. He's new, for one, and you both have full lives and you work together. I think you're acting way too desperate and needy for a friendship and are taking it all a bit too personally. Don't overthink it and just let it be for now. Do you have trouble spending time on your own or is your fiance away for long periods?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Monmouth View Post
                        Give yourself a break & don't message him & just wait until he messages you.
                        If he doesn't then don't worry about him & stick to the friends you already have!
                        Agreed!

                        I'm thinking his g/f isn't as jiggy with the texting and hanging out as he's told you she is. Most people (not just women) don't take kindly to their partner hanging out one on one with opposite sex friends. Especially new ones. Just a guess.
                        Last edited by phasesofthemoon; April 19th, 2018, 04:38 PM.
                        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                          I'm not really understanding (help me understand) why Bob is so important to you. He's new, for one, and you both have full lives and you work together. I think you're acting way too desperate and needy for a friendship and are taking it all a bit too personally. Don't overthink it and just let it be for now. Do you have trouble spending time on your own or is your fiance away for long periods?
                          Why is Bob important to me because I truly enjoyed talking and hanging out the few times that we have that is why. We seemed to have a good amount in common ( music, interests, values on friendship, etc.) I don't feel I am acting desperate or needy- a part of friendship is getting to know each other and that's what I am trying to do, showing my interest in being a true friend to him. Perhaps, I am taking it a bit too personally but in my mind if someone is a true friend they would make contact at times.

                          I have no trouble spending time on my own, I do enjoy my alone time and doing things for myself. I value my ME time. My fiance is working as well, so we get together every other week and we text every day to each other. My fiance and I are fine and I get plenty of attention from him. I believe in balancing my time out with my family, fiance, and friends.
                          Last edited by Lauren8785; April 19th, 2018, 06:35 PM.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post

                            Agreed!

                            I'm thinking his g/f isn't as jiggy with the texting and hanging out as he's told you she is. Most people (not just women) don't take kindly to their partner hanging out one on one with opposite sex friends. Especially new ones. Just a guess.

                            Honestly, I don't know. All I know is he told me that his girlfriend was cool with us hanging out and that's all he said.

                            Today, I noticed on Facebook he and a mutual friend of ours from work became friends recently, and noticed he "liked" stuff on her page and him and I have been friends longer on Facebook and he's never "liked" anything I posted. So I am starting to think more and more about what some of you have said, that he's not interested and maybe that is what's truly coming to light here. I don't understand why though when we had no problems or anything and he said a few weeks ago that getting to know me was refreshing and fun to talk and hang out with, etc, unless all that was BS. But why bother to lead someone on like that? He would be the type to let me know if something was wrong. He does speak his mind and isn't afraid to do so, so I would think if he didn't want to be my friend he would've made that clear.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Lauren8785 View Post


                              Honestly, I don't know. All I know is he told me that his girlfriend was cool with us hanging out and that's all he said.

                              Today, I noticed on Facebook he and a mutual friend of ours from work became friends recently, and noticed he "liked" stuff on her page and him and I have been friends longer on Facebook and he's never "liked" anything I posted. So I am starting to think more and more about what some of you have said, that he's not interested and maybe that is what's truly coming to light here. I don't understand why though when we had no problems or anything and he said a few weeks ago that getting to know me was refreshing and fun to talk and hang out with, etc, unless all that was BS. But why bother to lead someone on like that? He would be the type to let me know if something was wrong. He does speak his mind and isn't afraid to do so, so I would think if he didn't want to be my friend he would've made that clear.
                              I know you're disappointed but frankly, this dude just sounds like he's scouting for some stuff on the side and because you weren't giving him any green lights, he's moved onto someone else.

                              Why not try and befriend some of the female co-workers and forget about making new male friends. There are some that have ulterior motives other then being platonic.

                              Don't contact him again its his turn to do that. If he contacts you or suggests you guys hang out one on one again, why not invite your fiance along so he can meet him as well? If the dude is legit in wanting friends, he should be happy to meet another potential buddy.
                              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                              Comment

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