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My deceased brotherís ex wonít speak to me

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  • My deceased brotherís ex wonít speak to me

    My brother and his ex were together for 4 years he was 29, and she is 24. Then my brother went down a dark path and got addicted to heroin. His girlfriend broke up with him for it and things just got worse.
    He heard she was seeing someone and went to her house to confront her. Instead he took the gun he had and turned it on himself in her yard. She didnít go help him as he died, which pisses me off. She did call 911 though, and he died before they got there.

    She didnít come to the funeral, she didnít send flowers, and wouldnít answer my momís calls. My mom still put her in the obituary though. She was mentioned multiple times at the funeral, and you could just feel the tension in the room.

    Now, weíre hearing she might be pregnant. She still wonít answer our calls, and All we want to do is talk. We love this girl. We thought she was going to be in our family. If this baby is my brotherís we want to make sure it has everything it needs and is entitled to.


    What do I do?



  • #2
    Well, you can't force the woman to be in your lives so I'd just leave her alone. I suspect that your brother's addiction played some pretty horrible happenings to this girl and her life in general and that's why she has cut herself off from anything that has to do with him.

    Sadly, your brother had addiction and mental problems and his ex was probably scared to death what with him having a gun and "confronting" her. Don't let the fact she didn't go to him cause you to hold onto anger/hate. That does nothing for you but cause angst and depression. No one needs that kind of negative energy within.

    When did she break up with him? When was their last contact before he shot himself. Is it even possible that the baby could be his?
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.

      She probably feels horribly guilty. Try writing her a snail mail letter telling her that you do care about her & that as a family you want to be with her to support your brother's child.

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      • #4
        My brother and his ex were together for 4 years he was 29, and she is 24. Then my brother went down a dark path and got addicted to heroin. His girlfriend broke up with him for it and things just got worse.
        He heard she was seeing someone and went to her house to confront her. Instead he took the gun he had and turned it on himself in her yard. She didnít go help him as he died, which pisses me off. She did call 911 though, and he died before they got there.

        She didnít come to the funeral, she didnít send flowers, and wouldnít answer my momís calls. My mom still put her in the obituary though. She was mentioned multiple times at the funeral, and you could just feel the tension in the room.

        Now, weíre hearing she might be pregnant. She still wonít answer our calls, and All we want to do is talk. We love this girl. We thought she was going to be in our family. If this baby is my brotherís we want to make sure it has everything it needs and is entitled to.
        As far as I can see the relationship is as good as over. Don't look for drama where there isn't any. She very obviously wanted to move past your brother and whatever issues that relationship brought. It seems selfish and malignant, to me, to be grasping at her coat tails and guilt tripping her into having anything to do with your family at this point. If you actually cared about the girl, let her go and live her life fully. She was practically running away from your brother, for goodness sake, and had even moved on dating someone else. Your family is grieving at this time. Deal with that and don't drag other people into your sorrow where it isn't warranted.
        Last edited by Rose Mosse; April 18th, 2018, 11:09 PM.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Sadbro1 View Post
          My brother and his ex were together for 4 years he was 29, and she is 24. Then my brother went down a dark path and got addicted to heroin. His girlfriend broke up with him for it and things just got worse.
          He heard she was seeing someone and went to her house to confront her. Instead he took the gun he had and turned it on himself in her yard. She didnít go help him as he died, which pisses me off. She did call 911 though, and he died before they got there.

          She didnít come to the funeral, she didnít send flowers, and wouldnít answer my momís calls. My mom still put her in the obituary though. She was mentioned multiple times at the funeral, and you could just feel the tension in the room.

          Now, weíre hearing she might be pregnant. She still wonít answer our calls, and All we want to do is talk. We love this girl. We thought she was going to be in our family. If this baby is my brotherís we want to make sure it has everything it needs and is entitled to.


          What do I do?

          I'm sorry about your situation. I had a similar situation. I grew up with a once dear relative and I sorely miss my aunt. We had great times together during my childhood. However, once my aunt divorced my uncle (my mother's brother), she never wanted to be part of the family anymore nor have a friendship with me. At first, I took it personally as did my mother regarding my aunt's estrangement from the family but I grew to accept her choice and her decision. I don't have to like her choice but I have to grudgingly accept it. I need to respect and honor her wishes. It's not about what I want. It's about what she wants and if there will never be a mutual agreement regarding having a relationship together, consider that a done deal. I've even gone to the extreme direction having disdain towards those who don't want anything to do with my family or me post-divorce.

          If they don't wish to be with me or us, I'm certainly not going to grovel and become pathetically insecure. I've given myself newfound respect nowadays. I'm better than stooping so low and putting others on a pedestal. In the past, I've always placed others with such high regard and thought they were more important than myself. I don't do that anymore. I've since learned to love and respect myself more and more daily. Once you become comfortable within your own skin, you become an independent thinker. If people wish to be with you, great. If not, it's no skin off my nose. I'll have a great life and a happily ever after - - without them.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6
            If she was not pregnant with your later brother's child, I would tell you to leave her be. That blood connection merits some contact. Your parents may have some legal standing as the baby's grandparents but you may have to compel a paternity test & you still won't be able to force her to deal with your family even if you are able to foster a relationship with the baby.

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