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Father Plays Favorites in Giving Money to Siblings

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  • #16
    amd9999, I'm not going to slam you nor will I criticize and judge you. I will not be harsh with you. I exercise tact and diplomacy very well. I hear what you're saying. You are bitter and resentful regarding favoritism among siblings and your family regarding your father. I am empathetic and I understand because I'm the eldest of 3 children and my parents were always extremely strict with me. I was punished the most severely for decades and even though my father has since passed away, my mother had always been unreasonably harsh with me yet my siblings, my younger sister in particular always got away with murder. I hear what you're saying, it's not always about the money even though no one can ignore money, it's the principle of the matter which is unmistakable favoritism.

    In my case, my mother made it very clear that she didn't want to attend anymore birthday parties for my children after age 3 and 4 yet she had no qualms attending every birthday party from 1 to 20 for her other 3 grandchildren; my sister's children. I wouldn't call that fair. She made it clear that she didn't want to babysit my sons when they were little yet spent the night and babysat for my sister from Friday through Sunday for many years for my nieces and nephew when they were very young. Also, she treats my sister to meals, I'm always excluded and I'm supposed to pretend and not notice. I hear you loud and clear regarding favoritism and my brother being the only son gets spoiled rotten as well.

    Well, amd9999, I'm here to tell you that since I'm in your shoes, too, there's nothing you can do about it. At first, I was going to pipe in by telling you that you've done well for yourself, consider yourself fortunate that you don't need to sponge off your father the way your sisters do but I know you don't want to hear what everyone else had already lectured to you. I'm here to tell you that all you can do is bite your tongue and look the other way just like I do. You and I cannot control what our parents do nor would we ever and there's nothing you can do regarding your sisters because that's between your father and them. All you can do is to focus on your own life, concentrate on what makes you happy outside their relationship just like I do. I too harbor a lot of bitterness and resentment regarding my mother's favoritism towards my siblings and all I can do is steer my focus away from them and concentrate on my own life. One of the secrets is to have your own distractions so you won't dwell upon what is bothering you. For example, for me, it's athletics and getting healthy. I become so distracted about taking care of myself that my resentment and bitterness regarding what is bothering me, starts to become blurry and fade away. Also, hobbies. Granted, distractions don't completely fade your resentments but it helps some. I also tell myself whenever I feel jealous, I think about another person's life.

    For example, whom they live with, whom they're married to, health, occupation, relationships, etc. Whenever I dig deeper, I appreciate my life all the more. My sister doesn't receive handouts but she receives a ton of attention from my mother because she is the baby of the family. She married well, lives in an enormous house in an enviable neighborhood, drives new cars, sends her 3 kids to private schools, keeps up with the Joneses and outwardly her life looks like heaven. Now let's examine closely. She's a 'Stepford Wife' and in order for her to enjoy her affluent lifestyle, her husband is very controlling and disrespectful. I know who wears the pants in their family. He treats her like a doormat and she acts like the subservient little woman. She puts up and shuts up because he's the provider. It's better than becoming a single parent and he really throws his weight around. I despise being around the jerk, my brother-in-law at every holiday gathering and family reunion several times a year. He makes me want to vomit. If that's not bad enough, he says the most inappropriate comments, uses foul language freely around family and friends at social gatherings including children. Therefore, upon closer examination, I'm not envious and jealous as I had been in the past. I appreciate my life. I'm treated with respect, honor and love by my husband. You can't put a price on that. My sister is narcissistic and she's hard to deal with. I simply leave her alone.

    My brother was the only son so he was coddled as well. In all fairness, since he's of moral character, to me, it's ok that he received monetary help. He needed it and he's been good to me overall so I give him free passes there. If he were not nice to me, then he wouldn't score any points with me at all.

    Even though I don't like my mother's favoritism, what I focus on is her relationship strictly with me without my siblings involved. You might want to try that with your father. Since he's old, focus on establishing a relationship with him, call him, get together for a meal when you can and spend time with him as much as possible.

    Life is short. You don't want regrets later and I have plenty, unfortunately. A very dear, close family friend of mine passed away 2 days ago. He was a close friend of my late father's back in the day. When I was laid-off from my job long ago, he stuck his neck out for me, pulled some strings with head honchos and gave me a job within 24 hours of losing my first job. He came to my rescue when no one else cared and no one cared about my survival. I'm forever in his debt and now he is gone. He was more of a father to me than my biological father. I miss him sorely. I regret that I was so bogged down with the busyness of life that I neglected to spend time with him for decades and when he became ill. I feel horrible and extremely remorseful. Try to spend time with your father as much as possible no matter how busy your life is and forget about favoritism as much as you can. Shift your concentration on you and your father without your siblings in the picture. 1:1 time with your father is precious and priceless. Don't make the same mistake I did. I'm sorry about favoritism but try to shift your focus on you and your father and being together instead. Hope this helps you.
    "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."