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In love with my best friend

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  • In love with my best friend

    Hi, Iím really struggling at the moment, I am gay and my best friend is straight, with a girlfriend who I am also friends with. Everyone of my friends knows that Iím gay, my best friend, letís call him dan, was the first person I came out to, after the first month he was really cool about it and so supportive, but after about a month and a half he became really distant, didnít want to spend time with me or talk to me much. I had told him that I liked him more than a friend and I knew he was straight, I didnít think it would change much I just wanted to get it off my chest. We havenít seen each other in about 5 months and havenít spoken for about 3, it really hurts me because I asked him many times if he wanted to go out and catch up or do something together, but he kept on making excuses, for example he said he had to see his girlfriend on two separate occasions, Ashe hadnít seen her for a couple of days. It really really hurt me that someone I love so much doesnít love me back and doesnít want to meet me anymore, (bare in mind before I told him I liked him we could see each other at least once a week). I really miss him because I love him so much but I donít want to be hurt even more by him, what should I do, swallow my pride and try and talk to him or not talk to him again (I feel I will really struggle). Thank you.

  • #2
    Hi InNeedofHelp. I'm really sorry you're struggling so much, so I hope my perspective can help you in some way. Firstly, I'll say flat out that I think you made a mistake telling Dan you liked him as more than a friend. You knew he was straight and that he had a girlfriend (who you say you're friends with). You jeopardized the friendship the moment you decide to confess your feelings. I think keeping that feeling to yourself would have been more respectful to her and to your friendship with Dan. But, what's done is done. It's really unlikely that he's avoiding you because of your sexuality, but rather because you changed the very nature of the friendship by confessing your love. How would you feel if your best friend was a straight girl and she all of sudden confessed that she was in love with you? It would change everything. I'm sorry to say that your assumption it wouldn't change much was simply wrong.

    You have to address this situation head on if you want to rebuild a friendship with him. You have to acknowledge he is not comfortable with anything more than a friendship. You cannot just ask him if he wants to go out and catch up. You have to initiate a conversation about what happened between the two of you. You have to acknowledge your role changing the nature of your interactions. Frankly, I would suggest apologizing to his girlfriend. I wonder if you are still friends with her? If I were her, I'd probably be hurt by what you did.

    You are only human and you cannot help who you fall in love with, but this is a straight man. Know that he will not love you back in the sort of way you are desiring. He can't give that to you. One day you will find someone who can. But that person is not Dan. Remember that you deserve to be loved by someone who can give you their full heart. You deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them. It won't be easy, but you have to move on from your feeling of romantic love for Dan if you want to rebuild the friendship.

    Best of luck.

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    • #3
      You can explain to him that it was your mistake and ask if you can remain friends with him but be prepared for awkwardness and rejection. In the future, you'll know what not to do.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #4
        Originally posted by plantbasedprize View Post
        Hi InNeedofHelp. I'm really sorry you're struggling so much, so I hope my perspective can help you in some way. Firstly, I'll say flat out that I think you made a mistake telling Dan you liked him as more than a friend. You knew he was straight and that he had a girlfriend (who you say you're friends with). You jeopardized the friendship the moment you decide to confess your feelings. I think keeping that feeling to yourself would have been more respectful to her and to your friendship with Dan. But, what's done is done. It's really unlikely that he's avoiding you because of your sexuality, but rather because you changed the very nature of the friendship by confessing your love. How would you feel if your best friend was a straight girl and she all of sudden confessed that she was in love with you? It would change everything. I'm sorry to say that your assumption it wouldn't change much was simply wrong.

        You have to address this situation head on if you want to rebuild a friendship with him. You have to acknowledge he is not comfortable with anything more than a friendship. You cannot just ask him if he wants to go out and catch up. You have to initiate a conversation about what happened between the two of you. You have to acknowledge your role changing the nature of your interactions. Frankly, I would suggest apologizing to his girlfriend. I wonder if you are still friends with her? If I were her, I'd probably be hurt by what you did.

        You are only human and you cannot help who you fall in love with, but this is a straight man. Know that he will not love you back in the sort of way you are desiring. He can't give that to you. One day you will find someone who can. But that person is not Dan. Remember that you deserve to be loved by someone who can give you their full heart. You deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them. It won't be easy, but you have to move on from your feeling of romantic love for Dan if you want to rebuild the friendship.

        Best of luck.
        I agree with PBP. He's not avoiding you because of your sexuality. Rather he's avoiding you because he's a decent human being who doesn't want to lead you on and give you false hope where there is none.
        You will never have a relationship with Dan. He will never reciprocate your feelings.

        Ask yourself honestly if you can be his friend and be truly okay with never having anything more than that. If it were me, I don't think I'd want to continue the friendship. It would just be too painful. Dan's aware of that and protecting you both from the repercussions. If he took his distance, you should leave it at that. Maybe somehow you two will get back in touch years down the line, after your feelings have been processed and have disappeared. But the distance seems best for the time being.
        You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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        • #5
          Sexuality aside, he is attached. This means he's in a committed relationship with someone else. Please be a little more mature and respect those boundaries. If you know that you have feelings for someone, be respectful enough to keep your distance so that your illusions don't get the best of you or cause trouble for others.

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          • #6
            Thank you for the replies, it really means a lot, but I need to clarify a few things as I wasnít very clear in the original post. I 100% understand that me and him will not have any kind of romantic relationship, I have accepted that and all though that hurts a little bit knowing that, I am more worried about our friendship as he was one of my best friends and first person I came out to, and I really donít want to lose that. Secondly he didnít stop talking to me as soon as I told him I liked him, I had told him about my feelings about a month after he had stopped talking to me/wanted to do things with me. I told him in hopes that he would see I was a little upset and he would talk to me again. I also never ďasked him outĒ or anything, I told him knowing that no relationship would come from it, I know he is straight. Finally, yes I am still friends with his girlfriend I talk to her quite often, I donít think ďdanĒ ever told her that I liked him, he told me he wouldnít, but she has never mentioned it or acted strangely around me so I assume he stuck to his promise. I never wanted to hurt either dan or his girlfriend, I was definitely never trying to break them up or get in the way of the relationship, I understand itís neither of their faults and I donít want to hurt them, that would be counter productive anyway as he is a good looking guy and would probably find another girl. Thank you

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            • #7
              I understand your desire to save the friendship. I should mention that she's his best friend now or should be as his girlfriend. Even though your friend has enough discretion and respect for you, I'd let the friendship go and try to move on with your life. It doesn't seem healthy to hang on to a friendship with someone you also have romantic feelings for. This is counterproductive and doesn't help you move forward or find reciprocal love. It may take time but take that time to move forward. Don't stay stuck in this.

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