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What should I do? Possibly wanting to end a best friend friendship?

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  • What should I do? Possibly wanting to end a best friend friendship?

    I honestly do not know what to do, so I'm coming on here to ask for advice on how to proceed with my situation. Also I'm sorry in advance if I'm saying things maybe that are not supposed to be said in here. But this is just part of the story and I need advice on what to do. I just wanted it to be known that I don't mean anything bad, or that I'm not trying to go against the rules or anything like that.

    So I have this friend that I've been friends with since I'm 10 years old, which I'm almost 30 now. I meet him hrough my dad's really really really good friend that he's known for over 40 years plus. It's his stepson, since I was 10 years old.

    So over the years me and him become very good friends like family pretty much. When he had went to college, he actually dropped out because he got in trouble and arrested for DUI once. He came back home and since he's been home, he's been living at one of his step dad's houses that he has(Mind you his dad is a filthy rich millionaire high profile attorney in my area). His dad doesn't give him any money, but lets them stay at that house for free. He doesn't work, he always usually never has money, and is selling drugs like marijuana/dabs, Lean, and pills from time to time(mind you I've never done any drugs but marijuana in my life not even to try it, and I never will).

    So because of what I mentioned above that he's doing, he's forced to stay home and can't go out and have a life. Because he has to stay home and make sales in order to make money for his livelihood to be able to pay his phone bill, and eat. Which honestly I think that's some low life and nasty type of stuff. He thinks it's nothing wrong, he also thinks he's invincible and not going to get in trouble because he hasn't yet for a long time. Even though I tried to explain to him that in the snap of the finger this can all be taken away, that you should get a real job and you should grow up. Because he was never like this until the college situation.

    So today he invited me to come over and I was busy related to my new job and just running around taking care of stuff. I told him how about tomorrow morning, and we start getting into how he doesn't wake up early, because he does nothing and doesn't even feel like he's wasting his life sleeping till at least 12-1PM+ every single day. I told him wake up and go find a job, and you can do other things that don't cost you any money, if you don't want to spend any money because he was complaining about that as well. So everytime I try to help him out and give him some advice because I really care for him as a person, as a friend. He doesn't want to hear it and telling me to stop talking about it. I understand I need to respect that, but at the same time I feel like it's causing a cancer to me. I hang out with him way too often, at least once a week every week, and a lot of times sometimes even more then that.

    So with all that being said I don't know what to do? Because like I said I feel like he's causing a cancer to me. Because he's bringing me down, causing me not to want to go to work, causing me to want to slack off, and just putting me in that mindset and things like that. Honestly he is my best friend and we're like family, but I don't want to hang out with him anymore if he's going to continue doing this, because it's affecting my life. But I don't know how to tell him that? That I can't hang out with anymore because of your lifestyle affecting me. I mean he's never done anything to me bad, and I feel kind of bad betraying him like this because he's been nice to me.

    I mean probably only 3 or 4 times if that maximum within 2-4 years have we actually went out and done something(that's including even when I tried to pay for him). All because he's leaving this horrible life, that he can easily change and get out of. Which for the past 2 years at least he keeps saying how he wants to change his lifestyle, but then keeps doing the same thing over and over. Which he said to me it's because he's making some money illegally, and how hes going o vacation with the money, so that it's okay to live like this in life and that he doesn't need to do anything else. Which is something I don't feel comfortable associating myself with.

    So basically what's the best way to handle this situation? And what's the best way for me to tell him that I do not want to hang out with him for what he's doing because it's affecting my life. Because even if I hang out with him maybe once a month and I tone it down, I still think sooner rather than later I'm not going to be able to sustain that and it's going to drag me back in. I either need to hang out with him like I am, or not hang out with him at all completely. Switch not hanging out with him at all, it's the best thing for me to do for my livelihood.
    Last edited by Bigj321; March 1st, 2018, 05:42 PM.

  • #2
    And what's the best way for me to tell him that I do not want to hang out with him for what he's doing because it's affecting my life.

    Here's the best way. Start cutting down the times that you see him. If you were seeing him 4 times a week, cut it down to 2. Then 1. If he asks you why you're not hanging out with him anymore, tell him the truth. That's the best way to do it. Tell him his lifestyle is having a negative effect on you and you need to cut down your exposure to it. He's probably not going to change. It doesn't matter that he's an old friend. Sometimes you have to cut ties with people when those relationships become counterproductive.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Just because someone was your friend for a long time, doesn't mean you have an obligation to keep being their friend forever.
      Like Sarah said, tone it down. Tell him you feel like your lives have become so different that you don't feel like there's a lot left you two connect over. Tell him you want to go down a different path and someone with his mindset will hold you back from achieving your own goals. Wish him the best of luck in his life, and then move on.
      You can't control the waves, but you can learn to surf

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      • #4
        If you just stopped going to see him, do you think he'd even notice?
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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        • #5
          Not all friendships are permanent and enduring. Be honest, tell the truth and if this friend cannot handle it, it's too bad. You can leave on peaceful terms and go your separate ways. This has happened to me many times during my lifetime and I've since narrowed my friends to very few.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6
            Originally posted by phasesofthemoon View Post
            If you just stopped going to see him, do you think he'd even notice?
            Honestly I think he will notice because he considers me family to him, and I did as well. Also if I don't hang out with him, he's usually texting me asking me where I am, how I've been and what's going on because we are friends regardless of what he's doing or not. Like other people are saying the best thing to probably do is tell him that I don't want to hang out with him anymore and to stop calling and texting me, and how I want nothing to do with him. That's probably going to be the only route that's going to work.

            Plus his stepdad and my dad are both successful in their life, and they're nothing like him. So I was really staying friends because of are dads being real close friends. So regardless of what we do, they're still going to be friends. Plus his dad has no clue that he's even doing what I mentioned. If he found out he would be in the biggest trouble ever, which I'm definitely not going to be the one to snitch on him(even if it's for his well being).
            Last edited by Bigj321; March 3rd, 2018, 09:34 AM.

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            • #7
              Oh for Christ's sakes. Let's put this in perspective. He's a drug dealer and dabbling in illegal business out of his step daddy's house. How old is this person? End all contact immediately unless you fear for your own personal safety. If you feel that he may lash out or if you've done something in the past that could implicate you legally (ie deliveries), you might want to consult with a lawyer. Your "friend" is a complete idiot and it's likely he's never had real friends before. You've already repeatedly confronted him about his lifestyle to which he's brushed you off. If I were you I'd back away slowly and hang out with other friends.

              Regarding your daddies being friends, ignore it. You don't have to be unnecessarily friendly with anyone. Are you still living at home? If you're not living at home with your parents, none of this should matter. Move on with your life outside this circle.
              Last edited by Rose Mosse; March 3rd, 2018, 12:41 PM.

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              • #8
                Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                Oh for Christ's sakes. Let's put this in perspective. He's a drug dealer and dabbling in illegal business out of his step daddy's house. How old is this person? End all contact immediately unless you fear for your own personal safety. If you feel that he may lash out or if you've done something in the past that could implicate you legally (ie deliveries), you might want to consult with a lawyer. Your "friend" is a complete idiot and it's likely he's never had real friends before. You've already repeatedly confronted him about his lifestyle to which he's brushed you off. If I were you I'd back away slowly and hang out with other friends.

                Regarding your daddies being friends, ignore it. You don't have to be unnecessarily friendly with anyone. Are you still living at home? If you're not living at home with your parents, none of this should matter. Move on with your life outside this circle.
                Did you not read that he's going be severing the relationship?

                Like other people are saying the best thing to probably do is tell him that I don't want to hang out with him anymore and to stop calling and texting me, and how I want nothing to do with him. That's probably going to be the only route that's going to work.
                "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                • #9
                  From my understanding, topics are still open for discussion whether others like it or not (despite any unanimous or final decision). Is there a forum rule I'm not aware of?
                  Last edited by Rose Mosse; March 4th, 2018, 02:23 AM.

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                  • #10
                    You're telling him do do what he's already said he's going to do. Redundancy be thy middle name!
                    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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                    • #11
                      Sigh.... lol, it never ends with you, does it, Phases? Hope you and your hubby are having a good weekend.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                        Oh for Christ's sakes. Let's put this in perspective. He's a drug dealer and dabbling in illegal business out of his step daddy's house. How old is this person? End all contact immediately unless you fear for your own personal safety. If you feel that he may lash out or if you've done something in the past that could implicate you legally (ie deliveries), you might want to consult with a lawyer. Your "friend" is a complete idiot and it's likely he's never had real friends before. You've already repeatedly confronted him about his lifestyle to which he's brushed you off. If I were you I'd back away slowly and hang out with other friends.

                        Regarding your daddies being friends, ignore it. You don't have to be unnecessarily friendly with anyone. Are you still living at home? If you're not living at home with your parents, none of this should matter. Move on with your life outside this circle.
                        1st off you're correct he's a drug dealer. I tried to tell him that, but he's one of those people that doesn't think he is. 2nd of all we've been friends way before he started doing this. I'm 28 and I've been friends with him since I'm 10. Also to answer your question he's 26. 3rd I'm not in any fear of my life and he's not going to do anyting to me. I'm just saying he is going to text me as a friend to check up on me and see how I'm doing, if I don't talk to him for a while.

                        He also has plenty of friends for many years, even friends from high school that went up to college with him some of them. It's just that he puts himself in a bad position in life, and I think he's stupid for that. I'm not going to be in any legal trouble whatsoever. It's just that I'm slacking off in life because of him. For hanging out with him often I get the laziness and slack off vibe, and I guess you can say it's rubbing off on me. So I'm trying to just get advice on trying to stop communicating with him in my situation where my family is friends with his family, and we go way back as friends before any of this started for him. I mean my dad's been friends with his stepdad for 35-40 years now. My dad is also an attorney like his, my dad is actually a top 1% criminal attorney that tries to most murder cases within a year in my area, which can all be confirmed by the clerk of court. So because of that I have nothing to worry about as far as seeking legal advice, and I'm not in any legal trouble like I said. Also to answer your question, I don't live with my family but I live in nearby and see my dad quite often.

                        I mean the only thing I've ever done my life that may be considered bad or illegal(even just to try it) is smoking marijuana, which I still do to this day. I don't drink, and I don't even like to go to clubs or bars at all. Also most nights I'm sleeping before midnight, usually directly after the local news finishes. With a lot of knights naturally I fall asleep by 8PM-10PM. It's just that I'm getting lazy and slacking off like I said before, even though I'm still maintaining a job. So I just don't want to get like him in a sense that I don't do anything, I'm lazy, just sit around smoking all day and waste my life, while I move back home and have my dad pay and take care of everything for me. So I'm coming on here to get advice on how to remove myself from this cancer is situation altogether. But do it in a way that maybe I'm not disrespecting him, or causing my dad and his dad not to be friends anymore. Both of our parents are not doing anything illegal, and they're very successful and have successful jobs. Plus they see each other often, and even have cases together from time to time. So I just don't want to have them ending up in bad terms over stuff that has nothing to do with them at all as well.






                        Last edited by Bigj321; March 8th, 2018, 02:47 AM.

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                        • #13
                          Don't worry so much about other people - most of all your fathers. They are grown men. That's your problem (ie worrying about disrespecting everyone except the one person you should not be disrespecting - yourself). You've lost your focus and are distracted. Focus on yourself. Everything else will fall into place. Stick to your own morals and beliefs and your own truths.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                            Don't worry so much about other people - most of all your fathers. They are grown men. That's your problem (ie worrying about disrespecting everyone except the one person you should not be disrespecting - yourself). You've lost your focus and are distracted. Focus on yourself. Everything else will fall into place. Stick to your own morals and beliefs and your own truths.
                            So you're basically telling me to stop hanging out with him, and then don't communicate with him at all. Then focus on myself, and do what I need to better myself.

                            okay so starting today I'll start doing this, and really keep my ground and stay firm to it. I'm even going to try to stop smoking marijuana all together as well. Not even occasionally, on my free time, or the weekends.
                            Last edited by Bigj321; March 11th, 2018, 10:58 AM.

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