Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Unsupportive Family

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Unsupportive Family

    Hey all. Thanks for taking the time to read my thread.

    I come from a middle-class family, with both parents still being together and a sister. My sister is 4 years older and is pregnant of her second kid. She made me Godfather of her first child. This information is to help you understand my situation.

    I chose a "risky" career. Meaning that I don't have a stable payroll and work many jobs to make ends meet. On the other hand, my sister lives off of her boyfriend who sells cars and makes six digits. Right off the bat, I feel like my parents (who have the traditional baby-boomer mentality) are more proud of my sister for finding a financially stable partner and for founding a family.

    As I grow up, I've come to realize I don't really like the personalities of both my sister and my mother. My mom has been off work for roughly 4 years due to depression and health problems. These years of doing nothing have taken a tole on her and have worsened her personality. My sister is becoming more and more negative. She holds grudges and thinks the world is hers. Both of them would love for me to be more present, both for the family and for my nephew. Truth is that I'm busy and live 1h away. I can't just drop by casually on a Wednesday afternoon. I'm also not a big fan of texting and phone calls so I rarely give them news other than when I'm with them.

    THE THING IS, I know they talk badly about me in my back. Instead of telling me what they don't like by fear that I will get mad, they keep it in but I can feel that energy even from a distance. I mean how can my mother of nearly 60 not understand that the key to any relationship is communication. I just want them to understand that I'm busy, and that one day I will be a family guy, but for now, I have to achieve something. If it were me as a parent, I would totally understand.

    Is this normal in your 20s? Have any of you lived this before? How did it resolve?

  • #2
    You need to concentrate on your own life and career. Leave them to their own dysfunction. Their problems are of their own making and don't let them try to pin it on you.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      Your mother. Is she going through menopause? Your sister is pregnant. How many months? Sometimes people talk and that's their way of commiserating with each other because they have nothing else to do. Good, bad, nonsense, the whole deal. If you have a problem with the way they expect too much of you confront them if you need to and if you haven't done so before. It's likely one more so than the other is full of shit, bored, hormonal and they feed each other. Find out where the issue is originating, straighten things out as best as possible and then walk the talk. If you don't want to or can't spend time with them because you're busy, you focus on being busy. If you want to settle some expectations like perhaps you'd love to see them every other Sunday or once a month (every third weekend of the month ie), then stick to that. The bottomline is: it should always come from the heart. Don't pretend you want to spend time with them if you don't want to.

      It sounds like they don't even know you and you've been shy and slinking around sadly thinking you're less-than for far too long.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
        Your mother. Is she going through menopause? Your sister is pregnant. How many months? Sometimes people talk and that's their way of commiserating with each other because they have nothing else to do. Good, bad, nonsense, the whole deal. If you have a problem with the way they expect too much of you confront them if you need to and if you haven't done so before. It's likely one more so than the other is full of shit, bored, hormonal and they feed each other. Find out where the issue is originating, straighten things out as best as possible and then walk the talk. If you don't want to or can't spend time with them because you're busy, you focus on being busy. If you want to settle some expectations like perhaps you'd love to see them every other Sunday or once a month (every third weekend of the month ie), then stick to that. The bottomline is: it should always come from the heart. Don't pretend you want to spend time with them if you don't want to.

        It sounds like they don't even know you and you've been shy and slinking around sadly thinking you're less-than for far too long.
        Thank you for your input.

        My mom could be going through it or will soon. I know she hasn't had it yet. Funny you mention my sister's pregnancy because ever since her first kid she's changed. Now that I think of it she may be unhappy because her boyfriend works all the time and she has to take care of the baby 24/7. I do expect them to talk to me about this since I do not feel I am in the wrong.

        That last sentence is on point 10/10.

        Comment


        • #5
          I get that you're mad and annoyed but no one's going to come up to you with a handkerchief in life and ask you if you need to blow your nose. Sorry, fuuus. Those days are over. They ended about 20 years ago. Considering you have a potentially menopausal woman and a disgruntled pregnant woman complaining about you, if you're expecting either of them to roll out the red carpet for your sadness and disappointment in them, I think you're overestimating them and you'll continue to wallow in your misery for a loooooong while. If you want anything repaired, you fix it on your own terms. The reason why they don't know you is because you're still slinking.

          Comment


          • #6
            There's nothing you can do except concentrate on your own life and when you're together, take the higher road always by remaining cordial at all times. Someday when you have a stable occupation, perhaps that's the time when you can be with them more often and grow closer. In the meantime, if they refuse to understand your risky or unstable career, that's their problem, not yours. I always tell myself, "Instead of feeling hurt, be smart." It seems to help me and I hope it helps you, too. Chin up fuuus.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
              I get that you're mad and annoyed but no one's going to come up to you with a handkerchief in life and ask you if you need to blow your nose. Sorry, fuuus. Those days are over. They ended about 20 years ago. Considering you have a potentially menopausal woman and a disgruntled pregnant woman complaining about you, if you're expecting either of them to roll out the red carpet for your sadness and disappointment in them, I think you're overestimating them and you'll continue to wallow in your misery for a loooooong while. If you want anything repaired, you fix it on your own terms. The reason why they don't know you is because you're still slinking.
              Youíre absolutely right. And I agree that hormones may play on someoneís character. Maybe Iíve been helped too much during rough times in my childhood. Gotta get used to the real world. Thanks for the honesty Rose!

              Comment


              • #8

                If you feel like they talk bad behind your back and you really want to solve the problem - communicate! just like you told us here, tell them. or write them a letter or text message making them understand.

                i always did everything in life for satisfying other peoples expectations. in the end i had a job i didnt like, i lived in a place i didnt like and had a boyfriend who wanted to have kids. i was not ready for family at all. so i broke up, moved away, started to go back to university without any support from anyone. im still a student and will be done next year. so by the end of my 20s ill start working in my dream job and then i actually start with life!

                i learned many things:
                - you have to be the most important person in your life and that means you have to care for yourself first and make yourself happy first
                - life has so many different ways... getting married, having kids is not for everyone or might come later than others, dont pressure yourself
                - stop trying to make everyone like you, you dont have to be liked by everybody
                - its your life and you have to make certain experiences by yourself - you also have to take responsibility and the consequences though but once you learned that, life is fun!
                - trust your own life that everything will turn out good and that is has the best for you in store

                if you always do what you feel like, you will always live a fullfilling live. good luck!

                Comment

                Working...
                X