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Guilty over leaving mother

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  • Guilty over leaving mother

    I'm in college and thinking of applying to transfer to a better college in another state to finish. The thing is my mother would live alone. She is 65, pretty fraile from doing physical work her whole life and it snows here so she would need help with that plus other things around the house. But most of all I think she would be very lonely. She often chats me up and I can tell she needs someone to talk to. I'm almost 30 and I would like to move out, but I'm afraid it wouldn't be worth it because I would feel guilty. I think I will just finish college, get a job here and pay her bills at that point. She doesn't really have a retirement. Any thoughts on what to do are appreciated.
    Last edited by Milena; February 7th, 2018, 06:37 PM.

  • #2
    What is she living on now and what kind of house does she have? She might need to think about downsizing to a one bedroom efficiency. Also, if she moved into some kind of senior place, she would make new friends to talk to.

    Don't put your life on hold. There are other options for her.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Have you talked to her about what you would like to do?
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        She owns a small home and rents the first floor sometimes but says she doesn' want to do that anymore and would want me to stay there. She says it's not right living so far from family. I mentioned moving to a warmer state, but she said all her friends (She has maybe 3 but 1 just uses her for car rides) are here so she wants to stay here. She wants me to either stay in her house or if I want to buy my own I should get one with an in law suite for her. Definitely no 50+ homes she will work herself to death before moving out of her house.
        Last edited by Milena; February 8th, 2018, 05:23 AM.

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        • #5
          Listen, you're gonna have to accept that your mother is a grown woman who is responsible for her own actions, the choices she makes and the consequences these choices have.
          There are plenty of options available for her that eliminate the need for her to rely on you. She CHOOSES not to use those options, because it's easier to get you to do it.

          Your mother has no right to expect her adult daughter to take care of her for the rest of her life and live with her the whole time.
          By leaving, you might actually do her a favor. Your mother will be forced to rethink her life and take control of it, without depending on anyone else.

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          • #6
            Instead of assuming she is a frail good-for-nothing, I think you should be speaking with her about what your plans are. She may be praying day and night for the last 10 years for you to leave and be your own person and leave her in peace, and then all this worry just seems comical and ironic.

            In response to your second post: She sounds independent enough. From the way you regurgitated what she's saying it sounds more like she's concerned about you (about it not being right living so far from family). She sounds perfectly fine to me, just opinionated, which she is entitled to be as your mother. You seem more dependent on your support network and family/her than she is on you.
            Last edited by Rose Mosse; February 8th, 2018, 01:43 PM.

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            • #7
              Originally posted by Milena View Post
              She owns a small home and rents the first floor sometimes but says she doesn' want to do that anymore and would want me to stay there. She says it's not right living so far from family. I mentioned moving to a warmer state, but she said all her friends (She has maybe 3 but 1 just uses her for car rides) are here so she wants to stay here. She wants me to either stay in her house or if I want to buy my own I should get one with an in law suite for her. Definitely no 50+ homes she will work herself to death before moving out of her house.
              Did you tell her, when she said she wanted you to move in or buy with an in-law suite that you were thinking of your own plans and that you didn't count on living at home with her? If not, why not?
              "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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              • #8
                Do I understand this correctly? She has rental income from her home. She works and has a car. She is not destitute; she simply wants to control your life and not let you go free. Do you have siblings? Does she have relatives?
                "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                • #9
                  I said to her that I want to be independent and on my own soon. But because I'm not done with college yet she always says to just focus on finishing. I know she is tired of me being on school that's for sure...she ofc wants to see me do well career wise esp since she is retiring soon. I think if I do leave, it will only be 2 years for college. And maybe she will rethink her life. I have a sibling that has their own house and lives 20 minutes away. So it's not like she would be completely alone. And no other relatives unfortunately and she is widowed.

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                  • #10
                    This still sounds like she's being your mother and she's worrying about you. This isn't about an old woman wanting to latch on to you.... it's about a parent wondering if her daughter has enough guts and glory to make it on her own in the real world. Realistically many parents never want their children to move out during college to rent when they could be saving for a down payment on their own home. She probably thinks you moving out in the middle of your college education is a hairbrained idea. I think you should be graceful and grateful to her and not be rude. Stop building up situations in your head before you even have a plan. If you are serious about moving out don't make a big drama of it, do it and do it considerately and gracefully with all your love. And visit her sometimes too.

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                    • #11
                      I agree with Rose for the most part.

                      You're nearly 30 though, and if you want to go to school somewhere else, you should do so. Think pragmatically. Would the school make any realistic difference in your degree? Would you get scholarships? What are the benefits and drawbacks that strictly pertain to *you*?

                      Pros: I'll see a new place, I'll live on my own, I'll get to travel...
                      Cons: Won't see mom as much, won't save as much money...

                      you get the idea. But whatever you do, don't make it about feeling guilty.
                      "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                      • #12
                        I second what Rose said, too. Use you head, save money while living at home, save for a down payment and invest in your own real estate. Why throw money out the window every month on rent? You'll get the best of both worlds; being with family, your mother and saving money every month. It's a win-win situation. Take advantage of your good fortune. Not many people are able to have options such as what you have. You're very lucky. That's what I did. Both my husband and I lived at home while working full-time. We cruised right into new real estate with an enormous down payment while our friends were constantly broke and financially struggling for many years before they could ever afford to purchase a house. We were able to move up faster.
                        Last edited by chanelle; February 11th, 2018, 07:00 PM.
                        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                        • #13
                          Reading back everyones response I think she just wants me to have it easier financially being with her. I think i will stay these next 2 years. If I get into a professional school after that I'll just cross that bridge then. Thanks for the input. I just want to be done already

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