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  • #61
    Originally posted by CD da man View Post
    Thereís too much to reply to here but letís start w/ my wife. I didnt get married to get divorced most dont, but thereís a lot of history w/ us. She had infertility issues prior to having our dtr. The lack of communication contributed to the affair. The main question I have to answer is do I want to stay in this marriage? Thatís not going to b an easy answer bc I know I still love her but am I Ďin love w/ her? Iím trying to really weigh that out. Of course I want us to b a happy family and raise my dtr well. Thatís to b expected. I know Iíll never b a deadbeat dad if I ever left the marriage which has to do w/ my upbringing. My father was a gentleman and a ln excellent father. I plan on followijg in his footsteps.
    That sounds too familiar. Too weird.

    Everything has an easy answer if you really take time to do the work involved to figure out who you are. From there, you'll know what you can and can't deal with, what you will and won't put up with. Figure out which problems are yours, hers, and y'all's. Separate them out and really determine what's best for you. That takes work, time, and self reflection, and this is something only you can do for you. But playing happy families on the surface isn't the same thing as having a happy family. Happy families come from people who are content within themselves, and you have more work to do if you're gonna make that happen, divorced or not. A family isn't necessarily broken just because they don't live together anymore. Honestly, focus on your marriage rather than worrying about what the ex-work-wife is up to. The ex-work-wife is irrelevant for anything but a distraction to you at this point.

    You do have some real shit to work through, and the ex-work-wife ain't it. It's harder to take a look at the real issues when there's such an enticing distraction, and you don't need that right now.

    Just things to think about:

    Do you need to be in love with someone in order to stay married? (In my opinion, I rather think that's shortsighted, and not what marriages are made of.)

    Will doing what your dad did actually make you a stellar parent? How do *you* want to parent?

    How can you make sure you are happy without involving anyone else? (Like, when I went through my divorce, it was impossible for me to fathom a happy life without someday reconnecting with my colleague, but honestly I would never have been happy with him unless I was happy alone first, and it's kind of like a rebirth, getting to know myself again. It's quite special.)

    Consider how your daughter will see you as time goes on. Will she see a couple that's happy in photos but never happy otherwise? Will she see two people who still get along famously and connected as best friends and real partners? Will she see two people who can still connect and be good communicative friends even if they are no longer together? - What do you want her to see? What can you do to make this happen other than copying someone else's style of parenting?

    This thread has sufficiently weirded me out, so... I'll be gone a while. I hope you really take the time to do some soul searching about yourself and your marriage. You don't need a coach to guide you inch by inch through this process. Intuitively, you know what you need to do, so carve some time out to make that happen. (If you don't have a clue what to do, there are thousands of books and articles for you to look into, and of course, the good people on this forum to help you work this out.)

    I think you need to make yourself and your marriage your #1 priority evaluation and dissection at the moment. Focus there.

    Now about the ex-work wife. Lol. Iím not sure what u mean about sensing things werenít going to go well w/ us. Allegedly sheís hanging out w/ the other male colleague and yet bc heís liked nobody is gossiping. When she and I had our Ďfalloutí which was according to her she had no prob spreading rumors about me that nobody will tell me what she said!!! My gut feeling tells me that she and this other male coworker r having an affair. I sense it and heís single so whoís really tying him down per se. This is what really pisses me off bc she was adamant heís disgusting, a loser, has no car, etc. yet hides their Ďfriendshipí from me. Why!? You have my theory more or less.
    If she found you to be too complicate of a potential relationship, maybe she moved onto something less complicated. If she's having an affair with someone, that's really and truly her own business. Getting jealous isn't going to help anyone (least of all, you).

    It doesn't matter what she's doing, really, does it? Srsly, she's not your problem. Let her be her sad self and work her own shit out. If she doesn't, she'll end up having her own disaster, if she's really shitting where she eats. Thankfully, you aren't in that scenario now, so you really haven't lost anything. You should just be grateful it didn't develop into something worse.
    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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    • #62
      I want to to stick to the orig. thread on this; I lost my work friend and what Iíve learned is she was never really a Ďfriend.í Plain and simple. If I didnít work w/ her and see the effing bitch it would b different. Instead I have to b reminded of the humiliation. Good thing is I just have to walk by her bc Iím in a different dept. U donít have to answer this and Iíll let a sleeping dog lie but I canít help but wonder why she has to be dishonest w/ me if she canít stand me. Why not b blunt? Iím not her husband and I never met him nor would I ever tell him anything. Sheís accusing me of being accusatory which is an oxymoron. So my question is to anybody on here if they read this is why would a woman blatantly lie about the negative portrayal of somebody when they clearly like them? It seems sadistic to me. Sheís made it very clear she wonít talk to me anymore and needs time, which Iím respecting. I think what sheís really saying is sheís moved on to Ďtalkingí to somebody else and maybe doesnít want to hurt my feelings, but sheís already told
      me I should b angry at myself and I caused all of this. This is so effing confusing for me and I cant imagine what itís like for u poor souls to read this. Lol

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      • #63
        Btw, Iím somewhat of an intimidating guy. I have a relatively high IQ and can b socially awkward. Iím also an ex athlete and am 5í11Ē and 240 lbs mostly muscle. Most of the guys I work with are Napoleonic types that r short and weasley. I think theyíre afraid of me and I can have a sharp tongue. Several women flirt w/ me at work incl the unmentionable one. Lol. Iíll give u some examples; they like to emphasize my formal name when they see me and r always touching me (i.e. arms, shoulders, back). Im not bothered by this and would never complain to HR. At the same time I dont tell my wife bc sheíd overreact. Mutual friends that r women do some of this in front of the wife now and sheís uncomfortable. I think itís fair to say Iím a friendly flirt. Well thereís a lot that is going on in the office. I honestly dont think Im that good looking, but a couple women have winked at me walking by, etc. Even though Iím friendly doesnít mean Iím picking them up and I think thatís something I need to work on bc of this latest friendship disaster. She herself once said I was charismatic, but yet most of those fools I work w/ donít like me. Maybe I am a narcissist, but I sure as hell don't want to be. Anybody dare to b brutally honest w/ me after reading this? Lol

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        • #64
          Originally posted by CD da man View Post
          Sheís accusing me of being accusatory which is an oxymoron. So my question is to anybody on here if they read this is why would a woman blatantly lie about the negative portrayal of somebody when they clearly like them? It seems sadistic to me.
          To make herself feel better, most likely. She probably doesn't know how to be honest with herself, which means she isn't capable of being honest with anyone else. People will figure that out about her (even if it takes a while) and they'll stop trusting her. It's her actions that will dictate the future here, not what she said about you.
          "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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          • #65
            Originally posted by CD da man View Post
            Btw, Iím somewhat of an intimidating guy. I have a relatively high IQ and can b socially awkward. Iím also an ex athlete and am 5í11Ē and 240 lbs mostly muscle. Most of the guys I work with are Napoleonic types that r short and weasley. I think theyíre afraid of me and I can have a sharp tongue. Several women flirt w/ me at work incl the unmentionable one. Lol. Iíll give u some examples; they like to emphasize my formal name when they see me and r always touching me (i.e. arms, shoulders, back). Im not bothered by this and would never complain to HR. At the same time I dont tell my wife bc sheíd overreact. Mutual friends that r women do some of this in front of the wife now and sheís uncomfortable. I think itís fair to say Iím a friendly flirt. Well thereís a lot that is going on in the office. I honestly dont think Im that good looking, but a couple women have winked at me walking by, etc. Even though Iím friendly doesnít mean Iím picking them up and I think thatís something I need to work on bc of this latest friendship disaster. She herself once said I was charismatic, but yet most of those fools I work w/ donít like me. Maybe I am a narcissist, but I sure as hell don't want to be. Anybody dare to b brutally honest w/ me after reading this? Lol
            I really have no idea if you are a narcissist. That's something only a licensed therapist could really say. If you actively try to: control people through love-bombing and subsequent punishments including silent treatment when they do something you don't like, turn their words against them, give people looks of disgust when they displease you, need constant affirmation or anger from people in order to feel "something", try to confuse people with your words and actions, feel rage most of the time, always try to look like the good guy in every scenario no matter what happened, seek revenge upon those who hurt you, or intentionally fuck with someone else's head... then yeah, you might be a narcissist. But you're the only one who can really answer that.
            Last edited by Panda; February 15th, 2018, 09:33 PM.
            "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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            • #66
              Narcissists don't see people as people to care about, they see people as tools they can use to build themselves up. Without constant attention, adoration, or anger flung their way, they feel powerless. Narcissists need to feel power over every situation in order to feel safe. They don't care about anyone else's feelings, because they are incapable of empathizing. They think they are entitled to be and act however they want without regard for anyone else. They usually have a bunch of "yes-men/women" around them so they don't feel vulnerable.

              Now, in every relationship, there should be give and take, a certain amount of reciprocity, and some people are naturally givers and some are naturally takers, and some people have healthy boundaries and know what they can/can't give and are honest about it. In healthy relationships, if you point out that you're not getting something you want/need from the relationship, the other person will try to level with you, saying "I didn't realize I was doing that, I apologize, let me correct it" or "honestly I can't give that to you in this relationship, so we should restructure our relationship."

              If you point out that you need something to a narcissist, s/he will likely 1. give in a little to keep up appearances but expect something from you later, or 2. agree with you and do nothing, or 3. tell you that you don't deserve anything (or something to that effect). They don't think they owe anyone anything. (**In reality, no one owes anyone anything, but the difference here is, that the narcissist does believe you owe him/her, and that s/he will never owe you anything.)

              Examples of narcissistic behavior:

              1. Expect you to trust them, but do not trust you.
              2. Hurting someone's feelings intentionally and then telling third parties "see how bad s/he is to me?"
              3. If frustrated, the impulse to lash out always wins, but is not followed up with an apology.
              4. Have a tendency to think they "own" people.
              5. Going out of his/her way to make others feel small.
              6. Builds someone up thinking they're the perfect person, and then upon realizing they're human or they perceive some unintended slight occurs, a sharp devaluation and discard is put upon the poor bitch that was formerly top dog.

              There's all kinds of shit about this online.
              Last edited by Panda; February 15th, 2018, 01:42 PM.
              "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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              • #67
                This is really scary. I may fit 3 or so of those examples of narcissitic traits It may explain some things though. I honestly think Iím better than most people I work with, I like to intimidate, wow this is almost surreal. Iíll have to ask my therapist next time I see her for her opinion. Yikes!!!!

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                • #68
                  Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                  This is really scary. I may fit 3 or so of those examples of narcissitic traits It may explain some things though. I honestly think Iím better than most people I work with, I like to intimidate, wow this is almost surreal. Iíll have to ask my therapist next time I see her for her opinion. Yikes!!!!
                  I am in no way a litmus test for this, you know. I've just been reading a lot about it. I suggest you get some preliminary research done on it before you diagnose yourself.

                  It's also important to remember that everyone has narcissistic traits, and some of those are more pronounced in certain individuals. Sometimes this is situational. If I feel like someone's trying to hurt me, I will stand up for myself and sometimes I overdo it. That doesn't make you a 100% raging psychopath. Everybody snaps.

                  However, narcissists don't give a flying fuck if they hurt other people, they just want *something* from anyone because they can't sustain their own energy. Something about their history has greatly distorted their view of the world, and they think they have to be a certain way (create a facade) or their world will come crumbling down (which, it would really... but if they chose to rebuild their life from the ground up, they wouldn't feel the need to be so damned controlling, vengeful, or selfish). Most narcissists don't want to do any kind of soul-searching because they don't think they have one, or that only weak stupid people do that.

                  It's strange, it's like, instead of going "shit happened and that sucks, but I am going to move on" they go "shit happened and I don't deserve this so everyone will pay". They simultaneously have a view of themselves that's self-loathing (not allowing themselves to feel anything that could be perceived as weakness) and, that they are all-powerful. They can't make themselves see any kind of "light" at the end of anything because their worldview is wrapped around "if I stay hidden in here, no one can hurt me" but that's a dark place, and very isolating. This leads to many misunderstandings between people.

                  So... That's my take on it, but you'd really have to figure it out for yourself.
                  Last edited by Panda; February 15th, 2018, 09:32 PM.
                  "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                  • #69
                    Well maybe Iíll have to go see a psychologist and take the MMPI (Minn. Multi phasic Personality Inventory) and fnd out. Lol. Actually, maybe my ex work friend is a narcissist. She does appear to lack empathy, emotion, etc. Hmmm

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                    • #70
                      Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                      Well maybe Iíll have to go see a psychologist and take the MMPI (Minn. Multi phasic Personality Inventory) and fnd out. Lol. Actually, maybe my ex work friend is a narcissist. She does appear to lack empathy, emotion, etc. Hmmm
                      Lol, there's a fabulous website that gives an insight to it, written by a diagnosed narcissist. Check out narcsite.com
                      "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                      • #71
                        Originally posted by Panda View Post

                        Lol, there's a fabulous website that gives an insight to it, written by a diagnosed narcissist. Check out narcsite.com
                        I checked out the website and wow I couldnít get over some of those quotes, etc.

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                        • #72
                          Yeah man, it's some crazy stuff in there. Be careful, not everyone you meet who's a bit selfish is actually a narcissist.
                          Last edited by Panda; February 15th, 2018, 09:35 PM.
                          "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            Iím really trying to move on with this Ďfriendship breakupí which sheís referred to it as and Iím wondering why it feels that way? I understand it may have to do w/ an emotional affair and I guess there r different levels of that bc when I had one over 4 yrs ago it was sexual and this never went that far. She of course denies any feelings and I canít imagine I was the only one who participated. Iím having difficulty moving on bc it keeps being brought to my attention and negatively if that. When I see her in the office she acts flustered and I tried to b cordial, but she doesnít want to do that. Iím trying to ask if I can work from home more and see if that helps.

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                            • #74
                              Iím slowly coming to terms w/ accepting that she no longer wants anything to do w/ me. Iím taking one day at a time. I tend to overthink and over analyze though. Since she wonít tell me reason(s) why she wonít speak to me any longer I can only theorize; she claimed her husband isnít the jealous type and supposedly didnít have any issues w/ us speaking in the past so why now? The other more plausible theory is that she is talking and hanging out w/ the single male colleague that doesnít really have anything to lose. So if the latter theory is correct then I basically got replaced and would explain the distance, anger, etc. Any suggestions and/or feedback? Keep in mind there r several people in this forum that put the blame on me when I have hurt feelings from being rejected regardless of why. Iíve been told by medical professional hat my testost. and adrenaline levels r pretty high so Iím trying to workout more, stay busy, etc.

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                              • #75
                                It has been several months now. How are you doing?

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