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  • #46
    Originally posted by StayHealthy View Post
    I find it very odd that you would still be thinking of her right now. You need to focus on your wife and your job. The red flag is when a coworker tell you not to leave the company...why would she care if you leave or not? You are a man who is married your interest is for you and your wife. My husband and I for that matter would never exchange personal email addresses, only if it was for networking/job searching which would all be very professional.

    If a man at work joked with me that we are work spouses, that would freak me out and I would make if very, very clear that my husband is my heart and no one else.

    Forgive me for not understanding what you are going through, but to me this should be a dead end issue.
    I understand where ur coming from. Not that it matters, but she gave me her personal info from the start and she called me ďwork hubs.Ē In other words, she defined our Ďrelationshipí from the beginning. Iím not denying any wrong doing and Iím trying to avoid her per se, but itís not that easy when u work together and I canít take back what happened which was back and forth friendly flirtation. Iím sorry but if I wanted more I wouldíve tried to have sex with her. Thatís how Iíd operate if I were single and when I did have an affair in the past it was seductive flirting that lead to sex. Again, if I didnít work w/ her it would b a lot easier to forget her and move on but me not talking to her or acknowledging her any longer is working so far. Are other colleagues gossiping about it? They were and only heard her story which Iím sure is full of shit but whatever itís just a job. I kind of wish they wouldíve fired me by now anyhow. Lol

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    • #47
      Originally posted by Panda View Post
      For example, I happen to be a very outgoing and friendly person. I make friends with everybody and have a listening ear and treat people with kindness because that's how I want to be treated.

      How can I avoid being hurt again by someone who claims to love me? Fully love myself, find the things that make me insecure and become complete in myself by turning those insecurities into funny stories and strengths, and forgive my mistakes and misunderstandings. I've learned something from every single interaction I've ever experienced, and for me, that's the only way to live. I forgive the people who treat me poorly because, even if they didn't ask for forgiveness, it is an inefficient use of energy to hold a grudge against anyone..
      Thereís a lot here I can comment on, but letís start w/ the exchanging of numbers, email, etc. This is going to sound like a broken record, but she told me to call/text her if I was bored and man did I fail that test. Oh and she told me to divorce my wife after I felt the courage to tell her about my infidelity bc she told me her husband cheated on her twice. My wife still hasnít forgiven me about the affair from over 4 yrs ago so she gave her opinion. I made the HUGE mistake of saying I had a little crush on her, innocent and all which has bitten me in the ass now. She thought it was cute months ago, but now itís big deal. Go figure. As much as she pisses me off right now
      ur colleague takes the cake. What a fucking asshole!!! Thatís me being nice about it too. Lol. Well I definitely need to set better boundaries when it comes to having female friends. The couple or so that I talk to now are just work friends and no little or nothing about each other. Thatís a start, right? I wouldnít have been hurt by the loss of a friendship otherwise. Yes there are some
      male colleagues where I work but theyíre in their own bubbles and most of them are single that openly flirt w/ other women. Itís a chatoic work environment thatís very unprofessional. HR can give a shit too which is cery frustrating. Moving on. Lol

      Thankfully, I think my wife still loves me although she still doesnít really trust me so thatís not very reassuring. I havenít been on social media for over 4 yrs to appease my wife and Iíve lost friends as a result, but most of all I miss the interaction. I know it sounds cliche and thereís definitely aspects of social media that I donít miss as well. The point is I do it to please my wife even if she doesnít seem grateful so to speak. Most of my friends and family think I should leave the marriage too, but I still love her and want to work through it even if it takes eternity. Lol

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      • #48
        Originally posted by CD da man View Post
        Iím sorry but if I wanted more I wouldíve tried to have sex with her. Thatís how Iíd operate if I were single and when I did have an affair in the past it was seductive flirting that lead to sex. Again, if I didnít work w/ her it would b a lot easier to forget her and move on but me not talking to her or acknowledging her any longer is working so far. Are other colleagues gossiping about it? They were and only heard her story which Iím sure is full of shit but whatever itís just a job. I kind of wish they wouldíve fired me by now anyhow. Lol
        Perhaps if you had told her this from the start of your interactions, not just about the affair, but that if you actually wanted someone, you'd make it physical and not flirt over text, she might not have felt the need to cut it off. *shrug*
        Last edited by Panda; February 13th, 2018, 11:11 PM.
        "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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        • #49
          Originally posted by CD da man View Post
          Thanks Chanelle. Unfortunately we already crossed that line, but not as of lately. She told me not to contact her anymore and give her time. Iím trying to respect that, however another colleague said they heard something about me that came directly from her but wont tell me what was said. Iím very anxious about that bc I have no clue what sheíd tell others. I effed up big time getting personal w/ her and now she may have it out for me. I dont want this to go to HR and if it does weíd both prob get screwed so Im thinking she won't do that but the question is will one of the gossipers complain. Idk but I stay away from her work area and purposely avoid saying hi to her and the others as well. I actually met a couple other colleagues that sit near me and weíre truly just work friends which is what shouldíve happened w/ her in the first place. Lesson effing learned!
          As long as you've learned your lesson, you're fine. Know your boundaries and remain professional.

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          • #50
            I'm guessing that your wife who you profess to love knows nothing of this. I think you just managed to dodge a massive bullet. Just forget about your work colleague & put it down to experience!

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            • #51
              Originally posted by CD da man View Post
              Thankfully, I think my wife still loves me although she still doesnít really trust me so thatís not very reassuring. I havenít been on social media for over 4 yrs to appease my wife and Iíve lost friends as a result, but most of all I miss the interaction. I know it sounds cliche and thereís definitely aspects of social media that I donít miss as well. The point is I do it to please my wife even if she doesnít seem grateful so to speak. Most of my friends and family think I should leave the marriage too, but I still love her and want to work through it even if it takes eternity. Lol.
              What if y'all made one joint account? That way there are no secrets on there? I know a few married couples that do this. 'Steve Jane Smith'

              I will say this, I think you should stick to your marriage as long as you can, but if it becomes abusive, it really is time to say goodbye. I can understand why she'd have a hard time trusting you, but at the end of the day, she really does need to start trusting you again. In my opinion, there is no relationship without trust.
              "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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              • #52
                I donít really look as it as being abusive but an ultimatum more or less. Weíre going to revisit couples couns. again soon. In the meantime, Iím going for myself to work on me. Honestly, Iím the biggest part of the problem per se. Iím optimistic that it will work out in the end

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                • #53
                  Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                  I donít really look as it as being abusive but an ultimatum more or less. Weíre going to revisit couples couns. again soon. In the meantime, Iím going for myself to work on me. Honestly, Iím the biggest part of the problem per se. Iím optimistic that it will work out in the end
                  Good on you man! Optimism is a great way to approach life. It suits me fine!
                  "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                  • #54
                    Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                    The point is I do it to please my wife even if she doesnít seem grateful so to speak. Most of my friends and family think I should leave the marriage too, but I still love her and want to work through it even if it takes eternity. Lol
                    I will say this: I don't think she needs to be grateful for that action. You both made that decision to reestablish your trust.

                    Turning the focus to your marriage a bit, I have two questions:

                    Why do you want to make it work so badly?

                    Why do your friends and family think your marriage is a bad relationship for you?
                    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                    • #55
                      Originally posted by Panda View Post

                      I will say this: I don't think she needs to be grateful for that action. You both made that decision to reestablish your trust.

                      Turning the focus to your marriage a bit, I have two questions:

                      Why do you want to make it work so badly?

                      Why do your friends and family think your marriage is a bad relationship for you?
                      Well I lover her so I want to make it work for our family and well being. Not all my friends and family think so but the ones who really know my story think that she shouldíve forgiven me by now and stop holding it against me. I choose to deal with the occasional ďwhy donít you go fuck that whoreĒ once every month or so when she gets upset w/ me. I never reply and shake my head. Howís that for detail? I still feel guilt and shame for what I did regardless of her pointing it out. Iím definitely a work in progress.

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                      • #56
                        Originally posted by CD da man View Post

                        Well I lover her so I want to make it work for our family and well being. Not all my friends and family think so but the ones who really know my story think that she shouldíve forgiven me by now and stop holding it against me. I choose to deal with the occasional ďwhy donít you go fuck that whoreĒ once every month or so when she gets upset w/ me. I never reply and shake my head. Howís that for detail? I still feel guilt and shame for what I did regardless of her pointing it out. Iím definitely a work in progress.
                        Wow, it's really time y'all got over that. 4 years is a really long time to hold it over your head. I wouldn't put up with that. How good is it for your kid to see her say things like that to you? Is sticking around really for your family's wellbeing? Really?

                        No one deserves to be talked to that way, and all you're really doing is reinforcing to your kid that this kind of behavior is ok. You need to definitely make peace with your mistakes. You haven't done anything like that since, and you need desperately to forgive yourself, and then do not repeat the mistake.
                        Last edited by Panda; February 15th, 2018, 09:45 PM.
                        "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                        • #57
                          She never says anything in front of my dtr. I get nasty back at her too. This was part of the prob re: this OP; female colleague said some similar things you did. Kind of eerie in a way. She would just say things like u shouldnít have to put up w/ that, etc. Well she did say it took time to forgive her husband for cheating on her twice, which if u ask me sheís prob emotionally cheating as we speak and not w/ me any longer. Iím not one to judge others and I told her that. Probably bc of my past maybe that Iím not as judgmental.

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                          • #58
                            Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                            She never says anything in front of my dtr. I get nasty back at her too. This was part of the prob re: this OP; female colleague said some similar things you did. Kind of eerie in a way. She would just say things like u shouldnít have to put up w/ that, etc. Well she did say it took time to forgive her husband for cheating on her twice, which if u ask me sheís prob emotionally cheating as we speak and not w/ me any longer. Iím not one to judge others and I told her that. Probably bc of my past maybe that Iím not as judgmental.
                            Please don't take this as a criticism, I am just trying to get you to see a bigger picture. Everything you do is your choice to make! It's your life.

                            That being said, your life doesn't have to be an endless battle for sanity. You could be happy instead, together or apart. For it to work with you together, you and your partner would have to decide to forgive yourselves and each other, admit to your mistakes openly and honestly, and let certain things go. You'll need mutual trust. You'll both have to get comfortable in your skin and decide to push through this together. If she's given up though, the only real reason for staying (from what I've seen) is financial security or familiarity. Either way, they aren't as fulfilling or inspiring (in my opinion) as a happy life well-lived.

                            On the other hand, if you choose to move forward alone, that doesn't mean you would necessarily be lonely. It doesn't mean you'd be a bad father. It doesn't mean you're a failure. It feels like it for a while (having come out the other side of it) but then you realize that it isn't true. I gave my marriage everything I had, and it didn't work. Nothing I can do to change or fix it, though I gave it my best when I was in it. At the end of the day, I exhausted every option, and I am content with my decisions. I learned something from everything that's happened. There was a sad time, but it only lasted a season or two. It wasn't the end of my world.

                            In my opinion, and from my experience, even if you don't get nasty in front of your kid, it does seep in in some strange ways. Over time, it'll be harder to hide it. When I was 11, my mom came into my room, held me tight, and asked me "what if we just ran away, you me and the boys?" and of course I said "What about Daddy?" and everybody hurt even more. Now, I was involved as an emotional crutch. That sucked.

                            I didn't want my marriage to dissolve into a raging, angry, bitter fight over petty things simply because we were both angry. It was better to see the pattern in the other person, realize he would not change and take healthy steps for me. I made the decision not to let it spiral into all-out destruction because I could see where it was headed, having been the child of a nasty divorce myself involving alcoholism, cheating, and mental games. They made the decision to do it when I was 12. The people who's families decided to end their marriages while my friends were still little, they didn't harbor the same resentment, anger, and hurt I did at my situation at that age.

                            That's one of the reasons my husband and I divorced. I made a promise to love him and tell him the truth. I couldn't love him in my marriage anymore the way it was, and I felt the desire to start hiding things from him since he was trying to hide his alcoholism (and potentially cheating) from me. I didn't hide anything, but it felt really unfair to be the only open and honest person in the relationship.

                            So, depending on what you *want* from a relationship (rather than what you think you should want) I say work on getting yourself there. If you want to be a better partner, start being the partner you'd want to be for yourself. If you want what's best for everybody, take a step back and really think about what would realistically be good for everybody involved over time.
                            Last edited by Panda; February 14th, 2018, 04:45 PM.
                            "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                            • #59
                              Hypothetically, what would you say to a woman who told you: she and her partner were fired by multiple marriage counsellors, she wasn't even sure she liked him and wanted space from him for a while, and their mutual friends couldn't stand to be around them because of how toxic they were to each other? Would you really tell her to stick it out for the kids?

                              I wouldn't tell her to end it, but I'd give her some wider perspective on the matter. From there, I would start backing away because I wouldn't want to get in the middle of their (admittedly) really toxic relationship. Lesson learned from my last engagement with a toxic couple. Perhaps your work friend could sense that things weren't going to end well for her if she was involved with you (and she was now involved because you told her all these things).
                              Last edited by Panda; February 14th, 2018, 05:25 PM.
                              "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                              • #60
                                Thereís too much to reply to here but letís start w/ my wife. I didnt get married to get divorced most dont, but thereís a lot of history w/ us. She had infertility issues prior to having our dtr. The lack of communication contributed to the affair. The main question I have to answer is do I want to stay in this marriage? Thatís not going to b an easy answer bc I know I still love her but am I Ďin love w/ her? Iím trying to really weigh that out. Of course I want us to b a happy family and raise my dtr well. Thatís to b expected. I know Iíll never b a deadbeat dad if I ever left the marriage which has to do w/ my upbringing. My father was a gentleman and a ln excellent father. I plan on followijg in his footsteps.

                                Now about the ex-work wife. Lol. Iím not sure what u mean about sensing things werenít going to go well w/ us. Allegedly sheís hanging out w/ the other male colleague and yet bc heís liked nobody is gossiping. When she and I had our Ďfalloutí which was according to her she had no prob spreading rumors about me that nobody will tell me what she said!!! My gut feeling tells me that she and this other male coworker r having an affair. I sense it and heís single so whoís really tying him down per se. This is what really pisses me off bc she was adamant heís disgusting, a loser, has no car, etc. yet hides their Ďfriendshipí from me. Why!? You have my theory more or less.

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