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  • #31
    Originally posted by CD da man View Post
    She still didnít like my email even though I didn't attack her. She says I deserve to feel anger and that Im the root cause of all this. What an enchanting woman she is. I can see why I was drawn to her in the first place WTF!
    Well, try to take responsibility for your actions in this case. That's all you can do about it. If she continues to do things that make you uncomfortable at work, tell HR. Sounds like she's in an angry place too. No need to rile her up more.
    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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    • #32
      Originally posted by Panda View Post

      Well, try to take responsibility for your actions in this case. That's all you can do about it. If she continues to do things that make you uncomfortable at work, tell HR. Sounds like she's in an angry place too. No need to rile her up more.
      I guess thatís her problem then right? Iím hurt and angry too, but itís all about her I guess. Iím going to respect her wishes. All I wanted was some closure and I got what I needed. Iím sorry but I still see her as heartless, unempathetic, petty, etc. Whatever it is what it is. I have to let it go regardless if she does and since she hasnít by now highly doubtful ever. This is such a waste of time for me. I guess this isnwhat progress looks like. Lol

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      • #33
        Originally posted by CD da man View Post

        I guess thatís her problem then right? Iím hurt and angry too, but itís all about her I guess. Iím going to respect her wishes. All I wanted was some closure and I got what I needed. Iím sorry but I still see her as heartless, unempathetic, petty, etc. Whatever it is what it is. I have to let it go regardless if she does and since she hasnít by now highly doubtful ever. This is such a waste of time for me. I guess this isnwhat progress looks like. Lol
        My comment *is* about you. It's about you gaining some perspective and make peace with it since she's obviously not going to give you any. I'm saying try not to rile her up more because you didn't want this to go to HR, right? If you poke the bear, you might get some unintended backlash.

        Nevertheless, I'm glad you got what you needed from your interaction with her. You don't have to see her as a good person or a bad person. She's a person with her own bullshit, sorting through it the best way she knows how. That's what you're doing as well, but the difference is that you came here looking for advice and you're trying to see a way out. The only way 'out' I've found is by looking inwards. It's really time to reflect on your own feelings.

        Feeling angry and rejected doesn't go away overnight. It's ok to be angry. But you have the benefit of really taking something from this whole experience with some extra help from objective voices. It's not about burying or controlling your emotions, it's about figuring out why those emotions are happening and then looking into ways of coping with those negative feelings as they arise.

        For example, here's what I've really learned from my messes: I have a pattern of choosing to get close to men who have unique personality traits, and when I feel care for another person, it is difficult for me to see the parts of their personality that would hurt me, because I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. So, I ignored glaring red flags for the men who I managed to get closest to (though I have many school mates who are not as close to me and they're perfectly fine people without horrendous issues). So, what did I learn from the experience? That I needed more work to do on me. I needed to really dig deep inside and fix my fractures. Find my blind spots.

        As an example: if I'm angry at a friend because she seems hesitant about seeing me, why am I actually angry? After taking a step back and working it out, I realized I was worrying about being abandoned, and that I wasn't really angry at her, I was afraid of being 'dumped'... again. lol.

        Then I evaluate what happened and why (and that's not going over the conversation over and over, but digging deep to get to the root of the problem) : Ok, what did I do when I felt that way this time? I lashed out at her. What could I have done differently/will I do next time? I could have asked her why she seemed hesitant to catch up with me.

        Another example: I was angry that I was led on by a man I really trusted and thought cared about me, so I lashed out at him. Why couldn't I just move the hell on and realize I'm too good for someone who would be an absolute jerk to me over time? Why did I waste emotions on this? Because I felt betrayed, used, and lied to.

        Evaluation: So, what can I do next time to protect myself from happening again? I can make sure I refuse to form relationships (even friendships) with people who come on strong, talk badly about their partners, tell me they used to have a problem with any kind of substance abuse, become jealous of me spending time with anyone except him.... essentially, get away from people who are not able to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I was treated badly, and yes, I deserved to get angry for being mistreated, but then I think about what they taught me about myself that I didn't realize, couldn't realize, without their poor treatment of me. Why did I let them treat me this way? What was it about this person that had me swept off my feet?

        On the other side of it, I've come to learn that: I know I am one hell of a good friend, and would make an excellent partner for someone someday, but I'm no longer along for someone else's ride. I get to decide how I want my life to look, and who gets to be a part of it.

        I can all-but hear you thinking: "Panda, what if they choose not to be a part of my life when I still want them there?"

        Well, you're not gonna like the answer, at first, but you'll see it if you choose to: At the end of the day, you can't keep people. People come and go all the time. People have falling outs all the time. Some people get the opportunity to resolve their disputes in a healthy and open way once it's all said and done and some time has passed. Some aren't able to recognize their mistakes and take accountability for their actions--and these people are not good to have around you in the first place. If they left, there's probably a really good reason for it, one you can't see yet because we can't see the future.

        But looking back, you'll see it.

        When I finally decided to leave or let the relationship go, I realized that I was making a choice to make my life mine and not blame my pain on anyone else for their problems. (Acknowledging they have problems is not the same as blaming them for their ignorance.)

        Sitting back and taking an objective look at it, what is it about being rejected that stung so badly? What holes can you repair that allow you to stop worrying about someone else's bullshit?
        Last edited by Panda; February 9th, 2018, 10:11 PM.
        "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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        • #34
          I mean, think about it. Have you ever cut someone out of your life before and not felt bad about it whatsoever? Does that make you automatically petty, heartless, and uncaring?

          I have, but usually it's because they pushed me too far and took advantage of me for long enough. I was done. It sucks to be on the receiving end of a breakup in any relationship. The people you've rejected (and you very likely have at least at one point in your life, whether you were aware of it or not) get over it, just like you will here.
          "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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          • #35
            Time really does heal wounds. I know from first hand experience. I did ďpoke the bearĒ so to speak and expressed my feelings, which felt good. That was therapeutic for me. Now itís the letting go part I need to focus on. In retrospect, she really wasnít so much of a friend as she was more of a sound box for me to vent, etc. So why is it so difficult for me to move on? Well I can say this, the few people that I talk to at work really are just work friends. I havenít and wont get personal w/ them. Iíve learned that lesson already. Iíve been on the other side of rejection and made the decision to cut people from my life. Iím a forgiving person and to a fault sometimes. The really toxic and deceitful people were permanently cut off, but the others I eventually forgave bc they were going through a rough patch at the time, etc. Now with all of this being said, how do I hold my head up high knowing that other colleagues are gossiping about this and I know for a fact sheís talking and saying who knows what? Iíll give you some examples; she wont b cordial w/ me & told me so. As a result, I look away when I pass her. Some other colleagues that I normally say hi to and say back are no longer greeting me either. Am I being paranoid? I dont think so bc reality is itís happening. So what do I do next? I can go to HR but there is paper trail w/ both of us. It may b worse for me and still unfavorable for her. We chatted a lot on the companyís messenger and even though weíve deleted them Iím sure IT could pull it up. I think thatís why she hasnít gone to them. The best option is me leaving bc Iím not happy there, etc. Iím avidly looking for other jobs but nothing definitive. They are laying people off so thereís a decent possibility that a lot of us could be affected by this. FML!

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            • #36
              Originally posted by CD da man View Post
              Time really does heal wounds. I know from first hand experience. I did ďpoke the bearĒ so to speak and expressed my feelings, which felt good. That was therapeutic for me. Now itís the letting go part I need to focus on. In retrospect, she really wasnít so much of a friend as she was more of a sound box for me to vent, etc. So why is it so difficult for me to move on? Well I can say this, the few people that I talk to at work really are just work friends. I havenít and wont get personal w/ them. Iíve learned that lesson already. Iíve been on the other side of rejection and made the decision to cut people from my life. Iím a forgiving person and to a fault sometimes. The really toxic and deceitful people were permanently cut off, but the others I eventually forgave bc they were going through a rough patch at the time, etc. Now with all of this being said, how do I hold my head up high knowing that other colleagues are gossiping about this and I know for a fact sheís talking and saying who knows what? Iíll give you some examples; she wont b cordial w/ me & told me so. As a result, I look away when I pass her. Some other colleagues that I normally say hi to and say back are no longer greeting me either. Am I being paranoid? I dont think so bc reality is itís happening. So what do I do next? I can go to HR but there is paper trail w/ both of us. It may b worse for me and still unfavorable for her. We chatted a lot on the companyís messenger and even though weíve deleted them Iím sure IT could pull it up. I think thatís why she hasnít gone to them. The best option is me leaving bc Iím not happy there, etc. Iím avidly looking for other jobs but nothing definitive. They are laying people off so thereís a decent possibility that a lot of us could be affected by this. FML!
              A lot of people had a lot to say about me, and I'm sure they did. Over time, some people that were friendly to me were no longer as receptive when I said hello. Did it hurt? Not really, because no matter what is said about me, I know the truth. I know I did nothing wrong. My integrity and sense of self is in tact because I know who I am. I read a book once about how to stop giving a fuck, and it really opened my eyes to how freeing it is to stop caring about what others think of me.

              From that experience, I learned that having a reputation for kindness and honesty in my workplace meant any badmouthing against me would not be automatically believed. The people who knew me wouldn't believe it, and if they did, they were fools who are manipulatable and do not deserve to be trusted. Honesty sets you free. Badmouthing others because of a falling out lands you in the shit. People, by and large, don't make other people's problems their own, so you can trust that even if people hear gossip, it's juicy for all of a week and then people get busy with their own junk and move on. If you've done nothing to be ashamed of, there's no reason to be ashamed.
              Last edited by Panda; February 15th, 2018, 10:57 PM.
              "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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              • #37
                Well I did have an innapprop. froendship that teetered on an emotional affair so Iím ashamed of that. The juiciest thing I can think of her saying is that I had a crush on her or something to that effect. Who knows and I guess I can only assume the worst bc nobody is talking. One colleague told me they didnít believe what was said yet didnít tell me the rumor. This is the kind of BS Iím dealing with. Over a month ago my so called work friend gave me a little gift from her cruise and was thoughtful until I had one jealous moment that sabotaged the friendship. I just dont get it and canít stop thinking. Any suggestions on how to stop thinking?! Thatís whatís killing me right now; not literally. Lol

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                • #38
                  I wouldn't assume the worst. Honestly, I don't get why you're even concerned about it. You've been in the workplace a while now, has any rumor you've ever heard amounted to anything?

                  But for now let's be real, if you're intent on dicking around with someone else's head (riling them up) to make yourself feel better or less insecure, it's definitely time to cut that shit out and take a good hard look at yourself.

                  The best way to get out of your head is to get back to the beginning. What was your childhood like? What is causing this paranoia?
                  Last edited by Panda; February 11th, 2018, 12:20 AM.
                  "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                  • #39
                    Come on, how are you the hero of this story when all you gave a shit about was using her as "a sound box for me to vent" to?
                    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                    • #40
                      Iím trying to convince myself she was just a sound box. Iím trying to get over this rejection, which is what it feels like for me. My past is filled with losses; death, diovrce, job losses, etc. My paranoia is most likely a result of my anxiety, which is genetic. I donít really want to rile her up Iím actually kind of grieving and am angry, hurt, etc. I obviously donít want to feel this way so Iím finding the negative traits about her that I find as turn offs, etc. Thos approach is helping me in a way and Iím not saying itís the healthiest, but it helps me cope. Iím really embarrassed about this whole thing and bottomline is I need to move on. Easier said than done. Baby steps I guess.

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                      • #41
                        I know that thinking is my biggest obstacle right now, but how do I shut it off? Itís on my mind a lot and I donít want it to be. I tell myself how dumb this is yet Iím still having preoccupied thoughts. Why!?

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                        • #42
                          Iíll give you some examples of what come to my mind. She used to buzz text me sometimes while she was out w/ her husband (she initiated), begged me not to leave the company months ago bc sheíd Ďmiss me,í told me about spouse cheating on her twice, referred to me as work hubs, etc. This goes on and on. I feel like I was mislead and somehow managed to have feelings for her when I never initiated or asked for this. Iím not saying Iím not equally to blame here but she denies any wrongdoing, itís all me. It fucking pisses me off!!!!! Aaaaggghhhh! Lol

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                          • #43
                            Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                            Iíll give you some examples of what come to my mind. She used to buzz text me sometimes while she was out w/ her husband (she initiated), begged me not to leave the company months ago bc sheíd Ďmiss me,í told me about spouse cheating on her twice, referred to me as work hubs, etc. This goes on and on. I feel like I was mislead and somehow managed to have feelings for her when I never initiated or asked for this. Iím not saying Iím not equally to blame here but she denies any wrongdoing, itís all me. It fucking pisses me off!!!!! Aaaaggghhhh! Lol
                            Yeah, I know the feeling. She's blaming you to make herself feel better, likely. Maybe she fessed up to her husband and he told her she can't talk to you anymore. You may never find out. But that's ok because there are good things to take from the relationship:

                            We've learned a little about you, so without trying to read too much into it, perhaps a lot of loss in your life makes you want to try to "keep" people for fear of rejection or abandonment. Maybe you have some issues with control. You can neither keep her nor make her realize she shares some of the responsibility. That's her burden to take and if she won't take it, those are her mistakes to repeat. You, however, can acknowledge your mistakes and move forward internally. There is no shame in making a mistake. But really, she took nothing from you, you gave her bits of yourself, thinking it was reciprocal, and it clearly wasn't the same way for her. Or if it was, she freaked out and went into hiding because she started feeling things she didn't think she should feel for a workmate.

                            She doesn't need your forgiveness, nor you hers. You only have the responsibility to make peace with, and forgive, yourself and move on a more confident person from the experience. Whatever she says, whatever she does, it cannot hurt you. You are a mountain. Opinions are like assholes--everyone's got one, and they're usually full of shit.

                            Maybe someday in the future when those wounds are healed from the inside out, you can reconnect with openness and honesty, without worrying that you could hurt each other. But until you've really taken the time to find your quiet place, you may always be freaking out about what others say about you. It's really, really nice not giving a shit about what anyone has to say.

                            Decide to go no contact (even if she's decided to do it on her end, you can decide to do it on your end too), and realize you can be whole without this person. If you were never a whole person in the first place, it's high time you figured out how to make that happen for you. It'd probably make everything in your life a little better, even if less exciting.
                            Last edited by Panda; February 13th, 2018, 07:19 PM.
                            "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                            • #44
                              I find it very odd that you would still be thinking of her right now. You need to focus on your wife and your job. The red flag is when a coworker tell you not to leave the company...why would she care if you leave or not? You are a man who is married your interest is for you and your wife. My husband and I for that matter would never exchange personal email addresses, only if it was for networking/job searching which would all be very professional.

                              If a man at work joked with me that we are work spouses, that would freak me out and I would make if very, very clear that my husband is my heart and no one else.

                              Forgive me for not understanding what you are going through, but to me this should be a dead end issue.

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                              • #45
                                For example, I happen to be a very outgoing and friendly person. I make friends with everybody and have a listening ear and treat people with kindness because that's how I want to be treated.

                                How can I avoid being hurt again by someone who claims to love me? Fully love myself, find the things that make me insecure and become complete in myself by turning those insecurities into funny stories and strengths, and forgive my mistakes and misunderstandings. I've learned something from every single interaction I've ever experienced, and for me, that's the only way to live. I forgive the people who treat me poorly because, even if they didn't ask for forgiveness, it is an inefficient use of energy to hold a grudge against anyone.
                                Last edited by Panda; February 15th, 2018, 10:44 PM.
                                "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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