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  • #16
    I've been there buddy. It sucks. In general, people who consult others are looking for advice, affirmation, or understanding. By and large, people aren't going out of their way to "get you". If she was a really good friend, she wouldn't be badmouthing you, but trying to understand what the hell happened while you were close, especially if she had the warm fuzzies for you.

    I very much doubt it'll go to HR. Just focus on getting comfortable in your own skin and figuring out what the hell happened yourself. Maybe you'll consult others, maybe you'll make peace with it. Think about what you can do differently in the future, know that mistakes are human, and it's ok to make mistakes.
    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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    • #17
      Originally posted by CD da man View Post
      began thinking negatively and accused her of talking to another male colleague.
      That's a bit controlling. She's not your wife. She can talk to whomever she pleases. If she was doing it just to mess with you, that's really messed up and she's not a good friend. If she genuinely likes people, she probably gets along well with everyone and there's no need to be jealous.

      She vehemently denies this and told me that she needs time to think about things before we talk again. The last thing she said was that it feels like a bad breakup. We both love our spouses dearly and told each other personal info like good friends, but now it seems bleak. We even complimented one another and vented about our jobs. I’m thinking that I was more invested in our friendship and now I’m more or less friendless at work. Any suggestions or feedback is welcome.
      You'll have to start connecting with other people, I guess.

      Man, I just got out of a work relationship that felt like more, and it was rough. Bloody rough. Couldn't tell whether he wanted me, wanted something from me, or was just a really awesome work friend. I got confused, and it hurt when he started ghosting me. But in the end, every experience is something we can choose to become bitter about or learn from. What lessons have you learned from your experience in all this?
      "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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      • #18
        Originally posted by CD da man View Post
        Thanks Chanelle. Unfortunately we already crossed that line, but not as of lately. She told me not to contact her anymore and give her time. I’m trying to respect that, however another colleague said they heard something about me that came directly from her but wont tell me what was said. I’m very anxious about that bc I have no clue what she’d tell others. I effed up big time getting personal w/ her and now she may have it out for me. I dont want this to go to HR and if it does we’d both prob get screwed so Im thinking she won't do that but the question is will one of the gossipers complain. Idk but I stay away from her work area and purposely avoid saying hi to her and the others as well. I actually met a couple other colleagues that sit near me and we’re truly just work friends which is what should’ve happened w/ her in the first place. Lesson effing learned!
        Yes, lesson learned indeed. You can correct this by changing now. Cut her off and all forms of communication if it's not business related, of course. Remain professional. If she says "hi" it's ok to say "hi" but don't get too friendly. Treat her like a co-worker but know your boundaries. Chalk it up to your learning experience and knowing better in the future. Separate your work life from your private life otherwise you'll get yourself into hot water. You don't ever wish to risk losing your job over foolhardiness.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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        • #19
          Thanks Panda! I did get jealous for a moment bc of course another colleague half jokingly told me I should step up my game referring that the ‘work wife’ was being pursued by another male coworker. I of course brought that up to her and really wasnt being accusatory just asked her if it was true. She refers to that male pursuer as a pig and a loser, but who knows if that’s true. A little history there she stopped texting me out of the blue around that time and I thought I was losing my ‘friend,’ which might explain the jealousy. As I write this I realize this all started over 5 months ago bc she gave me her number and told me to call her if I was bored. Im an effing idiot and at least I’ve come to realization. Lol. What did I learn? Well u cant trust anyvody at work in my instance(s). The moment that I share anything personal again will be the end of my career. So, the only things I will discuss at work is business and saying hi & bye. Although I cant say either to the ex-work wife. Lol.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by CD da man View Post
            Thanks Panda! I did get jealous for a moment bc of course another colleague half jokingly told me I should step up my game referring that the ‘work wife’ was being pursued by another male coworker. I of course brought that up to her and really wasnt being accusatory just asked her if it was true. She refers to that male pursuer as a pig and a loser, but who knows if that’s true. A little history there she stopped texting me out of the blue around that time and I thought I was losing my ‘friend,’ which might explain the jealousy. As I write this I realize this all started over 5 months ago bc she gave me her number and told me to call her if I was bored. Im an effing idiot and at least I’ve come to realization. Lol. What did I learn? Well u cant trust anyvody at work in my instance(s). The moment that I share anything personal again will be the end of my career. So, the only things I will discuss at work is business and saying hi & bye. Although I cant say either to the ex-work wife. Lol.

            I don't think it's about not trusting people, but setting up appropriate boundaries for yourself. Again, I very much doubt she's going out of her way to get at you and ruin your life. That's really not what people are about.
            Last edited by Panda; February 15th, 2018, 11:07 PM.
            "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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            • #21
              Originally posted by CD da man View Post
              The moment that I share anything personal again will be the end of my career. So, the only things I will discuss at work is business and saying hi & bye. Although I cant say either to the ex-work wife. Lol.
              I reckon you could probably send her an email during business hours and tell her you've learned some boundaries (if that's true for you) and want her to know you valued your friendship, but that you understand why she might want to cool your friendship off since it crossed a few boundaries. Tell her that someday you hope to catch up again when she's ready and talk shop. (Of course, you have to leave your personal business out of it from then on if you do end up catching up.)

              My tactic was always "you and your partner should come have dinner with me and mine!" because it takes away the "mystery" of the work wife thing. It worked for me up until recently.
              "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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              • #22
                Well Panda contacting her is no longer an option. I’ve already said most of what you suggested anyhow and her answer remains firm; needs time. The last convo I had w/ her ended up with her bringing up why I ‘accused’ her of talking to the other male colleague and cant seem to get past that. She’s adamant that she cant stand the guy, but is nice to him. I told her i dont care if u guys are friends I just wanted you to b honest and would explain why we drifted apart. I dont have many friends to begin with and I never sought her out as a personal friend but it happened. Quite honestly she’s acting heartless towards me and recently got promoted, new grp of friends, so she can more or less give a crap about me. What makes somebody flip the switch like that though? We went from being good friends to foes in a sense. I guess my ultimate question is how do I get over this rejection so to speak and how do I hang my head up high when most of my colleagues dislike me? I know I cant control how others feel, but I need to have work/bus. friendships and that is being affected as well unfortunately.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                  Well Panda contacting her is no longer an option.
                  Not now perhaps, maybe give it more time.

                  I’ve already said most of what you suggested anyhow and her answer remains firm; needs time.
                  Time to go out and start meeting new people and making new friends. Or perhaps try to reconnect with people you've lost touch with.

                  The last convo I had w/ her ended up with her bringing up why I ‘accused’ her of talking to the other male colleague and cant seem to get past that. She’s adamant that she cant stand the guy, but is nice to him.
                  Yeah, you'll both need to completely let that go before you can talk to her again.

                  I told her i dont care if u guys are friends I just wanted you to b honest and would explain why we drifted apart.
                  Yeah, it would have been good of her to come 'clean' as it were, but maybe she's just not great at maintaining friendships. Or maybe she doesn't want to cross a boundary she's created for herself. Maybe she's still trying to figure out what happened before she can fully explain it. Who knows? It's best to focus on yourself right now. I know how much it stings to be ghosted by a work partner you felt close to. But at the end of the day, I need to make peace with myself, because ain't nobody else gonna do it for me. I think that's an attitude you can adopt for yourself, too.

                  I dont have many friends to begin with and I never sought her out as a personal friend but it happened.
                  Have you considered why you don't have many friends? Maybe that's something worth looking into. People tend to shy away from antisocial people, because they can sense something is up.

                  Quite honestly she’s acting heartless towards me and recently got promoted, new grp of friends, so she can more or less give a crap about me.
                  If she really was a friend, she probably does have a soft spot for you. People tend not to go from emotionally invested to uncaring overnight. If she felt the need for distance and took it, she probably did some soul searching and decided she needed to do things differently. That doesn't make her heartless and uncaring, that makes her someone who gives a shit about herself. Be more like her! Work on yourself and start really investing in you! You never know what good can come until you open the door and let it in!

                  What makes somebody flip the switch like that though? We went from being good friends to foes in a sense. I guess my ultimate question is how do I get over this rejection so to speak and how do I hang my head up high when most of my colleagues dislike me? I know I cant control how others feel, but I need to have work/bus. friendships and that is being affected as well unfortunately.
                  Try not being afraid of what people think of you. It's wasted energy. Why do you think most of your colleagues dislike you?

                  We've all been rejected before by people we care about, and it does hurt, but that doesn't mean that's always going to be the way it is. If you don't have many friends, really dig deep and consider why that is. Is there something about you that people find intimidating? Do you give as much as you take from relationships? Do you reflect over your actions and reactions and try to understand them? Those are *huge* hurdles in getting out of your head and into your life.

                  At the end of the day, we all deserve to be loved, and we are only really loved by others when we have love for ourselves. From your threads, it sounds an awful lot like you are missing a bigger picture because, in part, you don't want to look inside yourself for answers. That's hard to do. It's truly work to build yourself up, examine yourself, and heal the wounds you've experienced, but over time you find you have everything you need to move forward and no one can hurt you for long.
                  Last edited by Panda; February 7th, 2018, 03:46 PM.
                  "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                  • #24
                    I'll tell ya something CD, I could really use your perspective in my thread "Scorched Earth Policy Ramifications Linger". Hope you can make some time to check it out. One way to get out of a "funk" is to try helping others. I could use the help, since you seem to be going through something similar.
                    "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by Panda View Post
                      I'll tell ya something CD, I could really use your perspective in my thread "Scorched Earth Policy Ramifications Linger". Hope you can make some time to check it out. One way to get out of a "funk" is to try helping others. I could use the help, since you seem to be going through something similar.
                      I ll definitely read that thread. Hopefully I ll have something worthwhile for u to read. Lol. Everything you’ve said to me makes sense. I have to somehow stop thinking about it and let it take its course. It’s still difficult when I see her but she seems to manage just fine. I guess I ll need to b a better actor. I have hurt feelings over this and wish I didn’t so changing my mindset is going to b key. Oh yeah, and the male colleague greeted me today and shook my hand. That was weird for me and I acted oblivious. So maybe that’s how I need to b with her only just ignore she’s there

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by CD da man View Post

                        I ll definitely read that thread. Hopefully I ll have something worthwhile for u to read. Lol. Everything you’ve said to me makes sense. I have to somehow stop thinking about it and let it take its course. It’s still difficult when I see her but she seems to manage just fine. I guess I ll need to b a better actor. I have hurt feelings over this and wish I didn’t so changing my mindset is going to b key. Oh yeah, and the male colleague greeted me today and shook my hand. That was weird for me and I acted oblivious. So maybe that’s how I need to b with her only just ignore she’s there
                        That's probably your best bet. It's ok to grieve the loss of a relationship. It may be beneficial to do so when you find your counsellor. You'll get through this. Remember that it's ok to make friends, and make mistakes, and that forgiving yourself will be instrumental to your recovery. You'll get there.
                        "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                        • #27
                          Speaking of grieving, Im in the anger stage and let her know it an email Nothing threatening just shared how I felt. She prob wont reply and if she does she’ll get defensive like usually. It’s been about a month since the ‘incident’ w/ her and I yet she still holds a grudge. The only thing I asked her in the email was to b cordial when we see each other which doesn’t seem like a lot to ask. We had a past convo about that and she didn’t want anything to do with it so I guess this just closure for me. I’m done apologizing for something that should’ve been forgiven by now in my opinion. It’s not like I cheated on her in a relationship, etc. Apparently people r dropping like flies at my workplace and I need to get the fuck out ASAP. No more work wives for this guy. Lol

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by CD da man View Post
                            Speaking of grieving, Im in the anger stage and let her know it an email Nothing threatening just shared how I felt. She prob wont reply and if she does she’ll get defensive like usually. It’s been about a month since the ‘incident’ w/ her and I yet she still holds a grudge. The only thing I asked her in the email was to b cordial when we see each other which doesn’t seem like a lot to ask. We had a past convo about that and she didn’t want anything to do with it so I guess this just closure for me. I’m done apologizing for something that should’ve been forgiven by now in my opinion. It’s not like I cheated on her in a relationship, etc. Apparently people r dropping like flies at my workplace and I need to get the fuck out ASAP. No more work wives for this guy. Lol
                            I hope it wasn't her work email address.

                            We need to remember that no matter how badly we want to, we can't read each other's minds. My best guess is that she thought "if he's getting possessive now, how much worse is it going to get as time goes on? Does he want something more from me?" I know I thought that about my colleague when he would get visibly jealous and act out when I was with my husband. You shouldn't be punished for kissing your husband--and I got silent treatment because of it.

                            So... the best way to handle this is to really stick to NC, look for a new job, and figure out your personal boundaries. After the affair 4 years ago, why did you decide to get close to another woman?

                            Perhaps the best way to snap yourself out of it completely is to come clean with your wife about the emotional affair. I used to say that I would never do anything that I wouldn't tell my husband about, and it saved me from a lot of inappropriate behavior. Your wife is your partner. You should be able to talk to her about anything. If you come at it with an attitude of "I really needed someone to listen to me, and she was there, but it wasn't about her so much as feeling misunderstood in our relationship. I'm coming clean about this in the hopes this will instill trust for us, and that we can start fresh with new open and honest communication. I really want to be able to talk to you about anything." just maybe, your misplaced anger energy will be redirected to where it belongs--self improvement.

                            Last edited by Panda; February 15th, 2018, 10:55 PM.
                            "Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity" ~ Edwin Hubbel Chapin

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                            • #29
                              It was her personal email and I didnt attack her just did it for closure. I said something to the effect that I too was in the anger stage, but I’m a forgiving person and hope someday you can do the same. I didn’t wish her any ill will or threats just spoke my mind and left it at that. I even told her I didn’t expect a reply back. This may seem like an emotional affair to others and I get that, but what I did 4 years ago was preemptive, intentional seductive flirting that ended in an affair. This hurts differently bc we had a friendship and I thought we’d remain friends but stuff happens. My wife and I are continuing to work on our communication, etc. It’s been difficult at times and there r still trust issues, but it’s gradually improving.

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                              • #30
                                She still didn’t like my email even though I didn't attack her. She says I deserve to feel anger and that Im the root cause of all this. What an enchanting woman she is. I can see why I was drawn to her in the first place WTF!

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