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I am disappointed with my wife's behaviour and don't know what to do

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  • I am disappointed with my wife's behaviour and don't know what to do

    Hello everyone, me and my wife have been married for 5 years and have three small children (age 4,2 and 1.5 years). Since the beginning of our relationship, my wife has been very career-oriented, but this was never a problem in the past, as she managed to make time for me and her work. When we had our firstborn everything seemed fine, she was with the baby for two years and then came back to work. She wanted to come back earlier, but after long discussions and sometimes even fights we would agree to wait longer for the baby's good. With our second, she took a year with her, as we were more confident in our situation and at the same time she got a great opportunity to advance her career (keeping in mind we always shared our responsibilities with respect to the children).

    Everything changed when we had our third child. First of all, she only took two months out and went back to work. At that time she had stopped breastfeeding, as during the 2nd month following the childbirth she ran out of milk. I agreed to stay at home with my son, but I always thought it would have been much better if it was the mother who stayed close to my baby during his first months. We had fights about this as well, but her main argument was that she no longer had milk and earns more money than I do, hence, there is no difference whether the child is with me or with her.

    I was going along with our plans, but the last year has been very difficult for me and I can't get her to listen to me. She is always at work and does extra hours. My wife tells me that she will be home at 6pm (when her work finishes), but always comes home later (I know that she is not cheating on me). When she does come home, she is either too tired to spend time with our children or is working at home. This weekend we were meant to go on a family trip, but she cancelled last minute because of work. I tried talking to her numerous times that our kids need their mother (they have also asked many times "when is mommy coming home"), but she just always says that she is trying to ensure our children's future by working hard and she would prefer being with children, but she says that we all have to make sacrifices.

    I just think we should both spend time with our children and I am really pissed off she cancelled on our weekend together. We just had a big fight and I just hate the fact that she is now the head of the family, but does not spend enough time with us, only provides financial support.

    What do you think? Am I overreacting?

  • #2
    Do you and her speak about your finances on a regular basis? She could be over-compensating for a worry or concern that you both haven't explicitly talked about (debts etc). I do know women who like to work at least one or two days of the week part time just to take a mental break from their growing families but I don't think this is the case in your situation.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; January 19th, 2018, 11:14 AM. Reason: Not sure if this is the correct forum but responding.


    • #3
      I think your main problem is that you somehow feel diminished and emasculated because your wife is the breadwinner and not you. It's easy for you to say that she 'only provides financial support,' but her support for the family is huge.

      On solution would be for you to go back to work and hire someone to care for the children so that your wife doesn't have to work overtime. If that's not a possibility, then perhaps you need to get some marriage counseling to figure out how to work out your needs with each other.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay


      • #4
        Well, I suspect if you were the wife feeling neglected and had posting this opener, you would be getting more sympathy then whats you've gotten thus far. I think your wife has checked out of your marriage and can't be bothered with her children. If she's as concerned about their future as she excuses her being away so much on, then what will happen to their future if you and she were to break up?

        She's hardly sounding like a wife never mind a mother who cares on this point. She doesn't have to work past six but she does. She doesn't have to do work at home and ignore you and the children but she does.

        Do you and she still have regular sex?
        Do you have regular "date" nights where you can focus on one another without the children?
        What if anything is she contributing to the actual nurture of her children?
        How do you know she's not having an affair?
        Last edited by phasesofthemoon; January 19th, 2018, 03:28 PM.
        "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!