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Bromance question: my best buddy is a toxic person

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  • Bromance question: my best buddy is a toxic person

    So my best friend, let's call him Mark. He is my best friend for years now and when I say best friend he really is the guy who stood by my side when my whole world was falling apart. He is still the guy who I can totally trust to care more about my needs before his own. He would give me his car in extreme cold weather cuz my heater is broken. He would arrange surprise parties for me.

    However, Mark, does not respect women, I can't talk to him about girls because he doesn't see beyond tits and ass. We're in our 30's now. He's never had a real relationship. Never loved a girl. Probably has no idea what that means. Doesn't respect other people. Which doesn't affect me directly but I don't want to talk smack about other people. Can't make friends on his own, all his friends are the friends he got from me. He is a cynic and can't see on the bright side of things, and the argument he will give when I point this out is "hey, I'm just offering a different perspective". One time he was telling a guy to break up with his girlfriend because she was texting him a lot when i stopped him in time. His reasoning was "... But dude what about those crazy clingy girlfriend memes...". This and many other similar things . Of course we have spent years together and I can't list most of what has gone down. Lastly, he keeps making ill timed jokes, doesn't know the difference between a serious conversation or doesn't want to.

    The last issue is, he doesn't leave me alone. He has his own apartment but he is always at my place the minute he gets off work. When I was in graduate school last year I would text him that I don't want to be disturbed when I had an exam or something but he would still show up because he can't be alone. I wouldn't kick him out because he is my homie. But after graduate school I didn't see why he shouldn't hang out at my place so I didn't say anything.

    But, the problem I had was that I wanted to grow as a person, couldn't take the constant togetherness (I wanna be with a woman not my buddy) can't take the constant jokes and cynicism anymore. Any time I would make him leave it would be weird because he would act hurt. I ended up moving to another town because of this. So I wouldn't have to hang out with him all the time.

    I don't know if I am wrong. I really want him out of my life, but I also don't want to hurt his feelings because he has stood through tough times with me. I feel guilty because of this. But every time I point these things out to him he backs his cynicism with scientific studies and statistics (good luck arguing with those). He he tells me I don't have a sense of humor anymore. But I feel guilty for walking out on him. I wanna grow as a person.
    Last edited by Kidsurgeon; January 16th, 2018, 12:07 AM.

  • #2
    Since moving to another town, has the problem gotten a bit better?

    It's always hard to tell someone you've been close to that you don't want to be close anymore. You HAVE told him how much his behavior bothers you, but people like him are seldom able to take social cues. The only thing you can do is to make yourself more unavailable to him. Don't answer his calls or texts so much. Be busy when he wants to do something. If you have a girlfriend, refuse to let him tag along. You have to get some courage up here.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      honesty is always the best solution to any problem. just lay the cards on table. thank him for past assistance and make it clear you can no longer accept his caustic personality as you have matured but want to part as friends not enemies. tell him your goals and his personality cannot coexist anymore. tell him you want to meet a nice woman and settle down in a mature relationship with a female.

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      • #4
        Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
        Since moving to another town, has the problem gotten a bit better?

        It's always hard to tell someone you've been close to that you don't want to be close anymore. You HAVE told him how much his behavior bothers you, but people like him are seldom able to take social cues. The only thing you can do is to make yourself more unavailable to him. Don't answer his calls or texts so much. Be busy when he wants to do something. If you have a girlfriend, refuse to let him tag along. You have to get some courage up here.
        Yes moving has definitely helped a lot. And I have been avoiding his texts and stuff. Just recently he texted me about his tinder date saying he can't remember her face I didn't understand why since she appeared to be an attractive young lady. He said "because of that rack bro". I just didn't respond. The distance is helping a lot and I try not to respond to much

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        • #5
          Good. Maybe eventually he'll get tired of not having you as a sounding board. It must be tiresome to have such a superficial friend.
          "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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          • #6
            Originally posted by rabbithabit View Post
            honesty is always the best solution to any problem. just lay the cards on table. thank him for past assistance and make it clear you can no longer accept his caustic personality as you have matured but want to part as friends not enemies. tell him your goals and his personality cannot coexist anymore. tell him you want to meet a nice woman and settle down in a mature relationship with a female.
            I have tried this approach, he apologizedbut also started blaming me for no longer having a sense of humor. That is why I started to distance myself. I just feel suoer guilt and I an not sure if this was the right thing to do. I tried talking to him. Its just hard to explain that things are no longer the same for me anymore but I also feel like I owe him my friendship because he was there for me when I needed a friend. The guilt is what I am worried about.

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            • #7
              Removing toxic people from your life is not difficult.
              Feeling guilty about it is.
              There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will treat others with respect, kindness, and generosity. People who do not experience self-love have little or no capacity to love others.

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              • #8
                We all grow out of different people at different points of our life. You better get used to it. There will be times you may reminisce on the good old days but you'll snap out of them just as quickly and appreciate your more peaceful life. Stop worrying so much about hurting someone else's feelings when you know for certain you're both better off without each other even as friends. Life goes on. You either roll with the waves or you drown. Enjoy your life now because you worked for and earned that peace by moving away.

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                • #9
                  Rose Mosse is correct. reason for so many married problem everyday. humans are social beings and become bored being with same person for long time doing same things in same way. variety is only spice of everyone life.

                  you must focus on your happiness not everyone elses feel or you will give up joy of living.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                    We all grow out of different people at different points of our life. You better get used to it. There will be times you may reminisce on the good old days but you'll snap out of them just as quickly and appreciate your more peaceful life. Stop worrying so much about hurting someone else's feelings when you know for certain you're both better off without each other even as friends. Life goes on. You either roll with the waves or you drown. Enjoy your life now because you worked for and earned that peace by moving away.
                    I appreciate your feedback. It makes me feel a lot better.

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                    • #11
                      I have lost good friends because of this. I can't stand people who are superficial like this and it is not gender specific. I'd say don't completely break contact, he has hold your hand when you needed. But we choose our friends based on our shared values. So just focus on what you have in common with him. Hanging out at a bar, going to a ball game, things that you have in common. You don't have to take his advice for things like dating.

                      As for other friends, they should know better not to take advice from him when they know all he is concerned with are "Clingy GF memes". Although, he sounds immature and lonely though, so if you can, help him grow.

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