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  • Family Pressure about marriage

    I'm now approaching the age where (generally) most people would think about settling down, well I haven't found that person yet! I will be 31 this year and am single, I have been on a few dates (nothing serious) but no one has been to my taste yet.

    And for the past several months whoever I speak to in my family and extended family keep on pressuring me into getting married. It's begun to make me despair, I can't marry just for the sake of it - I'm not trying to be single on purpose, I just don't want to rush anything and end up making the wrong decisions.

    I've never worried about my age or time limits with having children but now due to my family's constant badgering and pressuring I've started to get really stressed out. I don't even know if I want kids - but I haven't aired that opinion! I have a sister who is 10 years older, has children and been married for 12 years. She also pressures me and compares me to my female cousin who is apparently ready to be engaged.

    But I'm a bit fussy and if I do date a man it's because we get on well and I can see something more beyond that - but lately I haven't agreed to any dates because no one's impressed me.

    I don't even know why I'm writing this post, I need to vent a bit but I also need some reassurance.

    Am I really leaving it too late if I want kids? I will not have kids outside of marriage, its just my personal view that I'd have to be financially stable and also have a partner if I were to have a child.

  • #2
    I would focus on priorities. That is, finding the man of your dreams FIRST and then having babies if you can or more importantly, if you WANT to. Also, you might want to come to terms with the idea that you may never have children and that's ok. Years ago, women were pressured into having babies, but today, many women choose not to have them.

    Are you living on your own? Your family cannot 'pressure' you into doing anything. Maybe it's time to have a little talk with them and tactfully tell them that you'd appreciate it if they didn't keep bringing it up. Set some discussion boundaries with them and make them understand that they risk alienating you if they don't stop.

    Where do you live, if you don't mind sharing?
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      What, if anything are you doing to help yo find a guy that would be to your taste?

      In the meantime, I agree that you need to tell your family to stop their badgering and that if they bring it up again, you will not be remaining in the conversation. Set some boundaries with them and don't let them cross them.
      Last edited by phasesofthemoon; January 14th, 2018, 02:02 PM.
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        The less emphasis you place on your relatives' opinions, the less they will make them. It may be healthy for you to limit your time spent with your family. That's a tough but pragmatic decision you should be making. Complaining about how they come off to you isn't going to make you any happier about the situation. You should feel happy with yourself though. Are you? What do you think is unacceptable in a long term partner?

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        • #5
          Hey, it's your life, not theirs. If they want a kid, they can have one themselves. It's so stupid to pressure someone into settling and getting married. i mean, what on earth are they thinking? It's not up to them. They had their lives to live as they please and make choices for themselves. They don't get YOUR life too. And always remember misery loves company.
          Not at all flirtatious. Why does it say that??

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          • #6
            Thanks for all of your input.

            I live in London, and I don't live with my family but I do see all of them a lot. I've always been very career oriented.

            I haven't really been doing anything to find the right one if I'm completely honest. I've gone out on a few dates but I haven't really bothered to make an effort with asking anyone out or actively looked for someone.I don't really have a set "type" I've always just dated someone, then we've clicked and its progressed into a relationship.

            I'd prefer someone intellectual and who also wants to progress in his career/life. But a lot of the men I've met seem to have different interests so I think I just got a bit tired and stopped trying. I just find a lot of the men have vastly different interests to me, like clubbing, drinking until they're completely off their heads. Which is fine but it's not my idea of a good time, not every week anyway. I want someone who actually has an opinion about things in general and doesn't mind sharing it! - where do I find one of those?

            Also a few of my best friends have been telling me I tend to give off a "vibe" which makes guys hesitant to approach me. I have no idea how else to be, I smile when I need to and I'm professional when needed, just like any other person.

            It sort of feels like my family think I'm doing this (i.e. single) on purpose - even if I cut the conversation short they will carry on without me - and I will be sitting right there. But then again I don't want to seclude myself from them because I do love being around my family but lately any kind of conversation I've initiated has gradually progressed to comments about my age, when I'll marry and then its a full blown conversation even when I'm completely silent.

            So to try and escape from everything I've just been going out more and spending more time with my friends rather then getting involved with my family.

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            • #7
              Do you have any other hobbies? Good for you for spending more time with your friends. But sometimes friends can be closed-minded and stuck in their same routine (likes and dislikes). You may be percolating in the same company and growing stagnant. If you're hanging out with your friends at the same places all the time, talking about the same things, it's time to branch out. Finding thinkers and intellectual men probably won't be at your local bar or club and even if they were, I don't think that's a great mindset or headspace to be when looking for someone you can really click with. You should think about your hobbies. Men love women who are independent and have more than work and hanging out with girlfriends going for them.

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              • #8
                I go to the gym three times a week and read a lot. But that's about it, I don't really have any other serious hobbies that I put a lot of time into, work means I don't get much of a chance to. I swim every weekend and also love going to the spa/sauna at my health club. I think I am growing stagnant and I've got no idea how to break out of it.

                What other hobbies could I get into where I could meet these type of people?

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                • #9
                  Do you like outdoor activities? Hiking/walking clubs are a good place to meet people. Volunteering at animal shelters, going to art openings, etc.
                  "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                  • #10
                    You go to the gym which means you're somewhat active. Would you be interested in other sports? I do a lot of kayaking and my fiance is a mountaineer. We have vastly different hobbies but have converged over time which means me hiking which is not my nature and he learning how to kayak long distances. I'm more comfortable in water and he is more comfortable in the mountains. We do acknowledge we are apart several days during the year doing our own sports but without that critical time apart every year we feel stagnant even in a relationship and unable to grow as we like. Keep that in mind even if you find someone you enjoy being with.

                    If you're into healthy eating and lifestyles there is probably quite a lot you can do if you're in London. I was in London on my own in 2015. What a fun city. There's a lot to do out of the city too and you're so close to other countries. Ever thought of taking the weekend up to Scotland? I've met really interesting people doing things on my own. Try something new too if you are even remotely curious. I once took a fly fishing course in Washington and it was really fun meeting many Americans who were so envious of our Canadian rivers and lakes. It was great conversation. It turns out my fiance is also an experienced angler so we now go fishing every year and we take turns buying each others' fishing licences.

                    Life's funny and full of surprises. Take a chance and try something new.

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                    • #11
                      Ugh, family pressure, I feel you! What I do if the conversation is heading that way? I'm excusing myself, politely saying, I need to do something or go somewhere! Although, their opinion must be heard, it's your own life, and don't let it affect you!
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                      • #12
                        Excuse, but are you Asian? Family pressure on marriage is quite common in Asian country.

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