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  • when do you cut off from abusive or betraying people

    when do you cut off from abusive or betraying people

    i have kept friendship with difficult friends relationships or relatives longer than others, because they offered some good. but often the costs were still very very very very high.

    one friend i finally cut off after years of trauma, and another friend i finally cut off after about 11 betrayals.

    someone recently went through text, on an extremely viscious abusive rampage of irrational distortent emotional abuse against me. . It was very scarey. I dont know what triggered it but it must have been something i said. They werent talking about the topic or anything current,. they were not at all rational . they were just saying all sorts of distorted past things to attack and hurt me. I wish they could stay calm and rational and not be triggered to be so abusive. it was very exreme, vicsious and scarey

    some people are able to stay very rational and on topic when they talk .something must have triggered them to attack, and act so crazy. I"m not sure what it was. it wasnt rational or current it was a distortion of past events written in a way to attack me visciously.

    my first reaction was to stay completely away from them for a long long time. This level of abuse was really scarey and broke my trust with them. its not the first time they can be so scarey and abusive or at times derogatory. I blockedthem on my phone and really needed to ct off from them.to block them . years ago when they were very unstable and abusive, they caused me such trauma that i lost alot of friends and its something i never will feel i have recovered from. since then they were stable and did well in many challenges and deserved my support . They have recently gne through a very hard time where i helped them for several weeks in a major crisis.

    my nature is that i do help people againw hen they need it even people who have betrayed or abused me ,but i otherwise tend to cut them off.

    They usually apologise and so i might have to wait for them to reflect and apologise with all that they are dealing with.

    i feel i need some distance but also to pull them up on when they are even a bit derogatory and disrespectful and part of me wishes that i didnt help people even in major crisis who have been highly abusive at times to me. this person has done well in challenges and isnt usually abusive and we are all very proud of them and we all benefit from a friendship with them. . trust joy and respect is really affected if someone is emotionally abusive.

    what do you do when someone you love can also occassionally be very derogatory or even emotionally viscious and abusive even if its 'just' in a text.

  • #2
    You need therapy to help you out of your codependent nature. You stay in abusive relationships of all kinds. A therapist will help you to figure out why you don't love yourself enough to tell assholes to fuck off. (BTW: Your wife is one of those assholes and, instead of leaving her, you had children with her and now you feel even more trapped)
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Wow, I could've written this! It took me a long time to heal from abusive relationships. I don't know who these people are in your life but for me, it was extended family and relatives. I had to cut a friend loose a long time ago. I can't speak for all people but for me, I would entangle myself with abusive relationships due to my low self-esteem, my needing to be a hero and help / save people and my feeling the need to feel needed. I would always end up associating with people with really messed up personal lives. It took me years to figure out that, I needed to stop placing myself in toxic, hopeless relationships. I can't cut certain people out of my life because our paths cross at random. All I can do is remain cordial, diplomatic, polite and well-mannered with those whom I don't admire very much. My relationships with them are not chummy and close but that's ok because the most beautiful part is that we're all civil towards one another which results in peace every time. It works. What helped me was to be more involved with myself. I became healthy, ate with wiser choices, exercised regularly and focused on my health. Sound body sound mind. Once I changed into a new way of thinking, I didn't have time for nonsense type people anymore. And, you attract certain normal people who gravitate towards you automatically. Alike minds attract alike minds.
      Whenever anyone has red flags such as trust issues, deceit / betrayal traits or anything "off," those are signals to stay away. Certain people are sociopaths, manipulators, deceitful or gaslighters. You need to run away from those types of people right away.
      I once craved for a lot of relationships even if they weren't good. I'm not like that anymore. Peace of mind is better. Remaining with abusive people whom you don't trust or people who betray you will make your life grow worse over time. They're not worth it. Create your own happiness and mental well-being. Take charge and be in control of your own life. You'll thank yourself later.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #4
        I've cut off many people, more than I can count on two hands, maybe three, and most of my extended family. I also become fairly tired of friends who should be friendly but end up becoming entirely self-absorbed. Life is a lot happier the way I've fashioned it now. It takes work creating peace but once you get into the habit, you'll get used to it and possessive of your peaceful life. Good luck.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by sue View Post
          when do you cut off from abusive or betraying people

          i have kept friendship with difficult friends relationships or relatives longer than others, because they offered some good. but often the costs were still very very very very high.

          one friend i finally cut off after years of trauma, and another friend i finally cut off after about 11 betrayals.

          someone recently went through text, on an extremely viscious abusive rampage of irrational distortent emotional abuse against me. . It was very scarey. I dont know what triggered it but it must have been something i said. They werent talking about the topic or anything current,. they were not at all rational . they were just saying all sorts of distorted past things to attack and hurt me. I wish they could stay calm and rational and not be triggered to be so abusive. it was very exreme, vicsious and scarey

          some people are able to stay very rational and on topic when they talk .something must have triggered them to attack, and act so crazy. I"m not sure what it was. it wasnt rational or current it was a distortion of past events written in a way to attack me visciously.

          my first reaction was to stay completely away from them for a long long time. This level of abuse was really scarey and broke my trust with them. its not the first time they can be so scarey and abusive or at times derogatory. I blockedthem on my phone and really needed to ct off from them.to block them . years ago when they were very unstable and abusive, they caused me such trauma that i lost alot of friends and its something i never will feel i have recovered from. since then they were stable and did well in many challenges and deserved my support . They have recently gne through a very hard time where i helped them for several weeks in a major crisis.

          my nature is that i do help people againw hen they need it even people who have betrayed or abused me ,but i otherwise tend to cut them off.

          They usually apologise and so i might have to wait for them to reflect and apologise with all that they are dealing with.

          i feel i need some distance but also to pull them up on when they are even a bit derogatory and disrespectful and part of me wishes that i didnt help people even in major crisis who have been highly abusive at times to me. this person has done well in challenges and isnt usually abusive and we are all very proud of them and we all benefit from a friendship with them. . trust joy and respect is really affected if someone is emotionally abusive.

          what do you do when someone you love can also occasionally be very derogatory or even emotionally viscious and abusive even if its 'just' in a text.
          Wow, I could've written this because it happened to me not too long ago. To me, betrayals are the same as lying and deceit. It's impossible to get over it because in the back of your mind you'll always be suspicious that the risk is there for repeats. I too went through electronic altercations and in the past verbal as well. The first thing you need to think about these looney bins is that whenever anyone acts real psycho or outlandishly weird to the point of acting crazy, you need to back off because they're mentally unstable. You never want to associate with those who are irrational and unreasonable. I've since learned this the hard way. Whenever you deal with those who are emotionally volatile, you'll end up getting roped into their drama which causes your depression and anger. It took a long time for me to build up my self-esteem, self-confidence and courage to say no more. I've cut a few friends out of my life. With family, it's more difficult but my enforced, healthy boundaries with them are peaceful nowadays. Also, I've learned to back off. I'm still nice and kind towards friends and family. I just don't over do it otherwise you'll set yourself up to eventually become someone's verbal (or electronic) punching bag. Don't be too helpful. It's good to have compassion and want to help but remember that people are consumed with their own very busy lives. I did A LOT for others in the past and I've since scaled way, way back. Nowadays, I'm good acquaintances with everyone in my life and it seems to be the safest stance. I'm kind and thoughtful but I never go overboard anymore. Getting too close is way overrated. Keep a safe, cordial distance. If for some reason, the nutty person is a red flag for you, cut it off. I've found some people in my past were dangerous to me and my loved ones and I'm never going to affect our settled lives. Create your world of happiness by controlling who gets to be in it and and what level. That's what I've been doing and never looked back. It works.
          Last edited by chanelle; February 1st, 2018, 08:58 PM.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6

            My nature is to be compassionate and helpful, too. With vicious nut cases, I cut them off. You don't want crazy people to affect your safety for one thing and you need to have mental well-being minus weirdos and psychos in your life. Yes, emotional abuse is horrible. I went through that not too long ago. It took me a while to control who has the privilege to be in my life and who does not. Only surround yourself with normal, decent human beings. Everyone else doesn't make the cut. That's how I look at it. Avoid those with serious mental disorders at all costs.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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            • #7
              I don't tolerate the people who betray.

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              • #8
                when do you cut off from abusive or betraying people

                Now.

                i have kept friendship with difficult friends relationships or relatives longer than others, because they offered some good. but often the costs were still very very very very high.

                When others cause you repeated pain, it cancels out any good they've ever offered and you pay the price for remaining in toxic, dysfunctional relationships. The question is: Are they worth it? NO.

                one friend i finally cut off after years of trauma, and another friend i finally cut off after about 11 betrayals.

                Years of trauma are too long and too much. I'm surprised you stuck around for 11 betrayals. I would've left after the first and last betrayal!

                someone recently went through text, on an extremely vicious abusive rampage of irrational distorted emotional abuse against me. . It was very scary. I don't know what triggered it but it must have been something i said. They weren't talking about the topic or anything current,. they were not at all rational . they were just saying all sorts of distorted past things to attack and hurt me. I wish they could stay calm and rational and not be triggered to be so abusive. it was very extreme, vicious and scary

                Sounds like gaslighting to me. I've been a victim of gaslighting so many times from extended family members. At first, I didn't understand their tactics and psychological warfare but I eventually caught on. Once I caught onto their vicious head trips and mind games, I bailed. I had to cut one of them loose and that was easy because she resides 400 miles away from me and with a few others, we cross paths a few times a year so I'm cordial but do not have regular contact. I put a screeching halt to that immediately. I can sniff a gaslighter from a mile away. They talk in vicious circles, always deflect, always go off topic, always turn it around on as if you're the crazy one and around and around it goes at a dizzying pace. To me, it's a sign of their stupidity because they deliberately throw you off track so you're forced stomping out fires in order to defend yourself endlessly at every turn. I'm onto their dumb games. I put a stop to it by cutting them out of my life.

                some people are able to stay very rational and on topic when they talk .something must have triggered them to attack, and act so crazy. I"m not sure what it was. it wasn't rational or current it was a distortion of past events written in a way to attack me viciously.

                You should google the word "gaslighting" because this is how they talk and write. It's crazy-making, irrational and deliberately made to confuse, frustrate and defend yourself as if you're the crazy, nutty, horrible perpetrator. They attack because they fear your discovering how they really are and they fear you will out them. A gaslighter and sociopath's greatest fear is to be discovered because they're sneaky and tricky. They want to fool everyone into thinking they're "normal" but in reality they're extremely manipulative. They want to control you, control the relationship, control the mood and control the communication no matter how mentally sick it is.

                my first reaction was to stay completely away from them for a long long time. This level of abuse was really scary and broke my trust with them. its not the first time they can be so scary and abusive or at times derogatory. I blocked them on my phone and really needed to ct off from them.to block them . years ago when they were very unstable and abusive, they caused me such trauma that i lost a lot of friends and its something i never will feel i have recovered from. since then they were stable and did well in many challenges and deserved my support . They have recently gone through a very hard time where i helped them for several weeks in a major crisis.

                You first reaction was the most correct one. You can't trust them anymore. They'll betray your trust again and again and again. It will never end. It's only a matter of time before you will get burned again. Gaslighters and sociopaths are always on the hunt for the naive and gullible. They're a deceitful, tricky lot and they only have anything to do with you if they need you as part of their calculating, scheming ways. They fear your identifying them as gaslighters and / or socipaths so in order to squash your thoughts, they'll cram their gaslighting techniques down your throat until you choke. And the more they feel threatened by your discovering their wicked ways, the more they will threaten you vicisously in all ways. Some evil types will even threaten you with legal action. Yes, it gets that bad. I stay faraway from those with serious mental disorders. They're too sick in the head for me. I only want normal, kind, empathetic people in my life forever.

                my nature is that i do help people again when they need it even people who have betrayed or abused me ,but i otherwise tend to cut them off.

                You need to correct your nature. I was once like you. I felt the need to be needed. I always had to be the hero and save everybody. I was a goodie-goodie and always went above and beyond helping people. Don't do that anymore. You'll get taken advantage of, it's never reciprocal, you will feel used and abused. Instead of recipients behaving gratefully towards you, your help will become an expectation and their sense of entitlement to receive your help at the snap of their fingers. I'm not so nice anymore. In the past, I knocked myself out for others by always racing to their doorstep with homemade dinner, sides and dessert numerous times per household and various households. No one ever did anything for me after I had undergone several major surgeries. Those who've betrayed and abused me are thankfully excised from my life. With those whom remain in my life such as holiday gatherings, I'm cordial but I would not go so far as to say I'm loving. I'm cold and frosty albeit polite. No more no less.

                They usually apologize and so i might have to wait for them to reflect and apologize with all that they are dealing with.

                I don't accept apologies especially from repeat offenders. Apologies are worthless when behavior is never permanently corrected. I don't wait. I leave.

                i feel i need some distance but also to pull them up on when they are even a bit derogatory and disrespectful and part of me wishes that i did'nt help people even in major crisis who have been highly abusive at times to me. this person has done well in challenges and isn't usually abusive and we are all very proud of them and we all benefit from a friendship with them. . trust joy and respect is really affected if someone is emotionally abusive.

                You can't undo the past and I'm sorry you regret helping these betraying, abusive people in your life. All you can do is move forward and adjust how you strategically cease all contact with toxic people. If anyone is emotionally abusive, they need to make a permanent exit from your life. No ands, ifs or buts about it.

                what do you do when someone you love can also occasionally be very derogatory or even emotionally vicious and abusive even if its 'just' in a text.

                I don't love those who don't treat me with respect, honor and love. I cease all contact and surround myself with people who know how to behave like decent human beings and play fair. I'm very absolute, steadfast and unwavering about this. I don't like volatile people. They drive me insane. I've gotten braver and I stay away, faraway as possible. Out of sight out of mind gives you peace.



                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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                • #9
                  if you put up with abuse it will travel fast and bring on others to take advantage of you. since my first abusive relationship i tell any guy i get cozy with if he abuses or cheat on me there is no second chance.

                  it seems you are known as someone that accepts abuse. end the cycle by dumping anyone immediately that abuses you.

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