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  • when do you cut off from abusive or betraying people

    when do you cut off from abusive or betraying people

    i have kept friendship with difficult friends relationships or relatives longer than others, because they offered some good. but often the costs were still very very very very high.

    one friend i finally cut off after years of trauma, and another friend i finally cut off after about 11 betrayals.

    someone recently went through text, on an extremely viscious abusive rampage of irrational distortent emotional abuse against me. . It was very scarey. I dont know what triggered it but it must have been something i said. They werent talking about the topic or anything current,. they were not at all rational . they were just saying all sorts of distorted past things to attack and hurt me. I wish they could stay calm and rational and not be triggered to be so abusive. it was very exreme, vicsious and scarey

    some people are able to stay very rational and on topic when they talk .something must have triggered them to attack, and act so crazy. I"m not sure what it was. it wasnt rational or current it was a distortion of past events written in a way to attack me visciously.

    my first reaction was to stay completely away from them for a long long time. This level of abuse was really scarey and broke my trust with them. its not the first time they can be so scarey and abusive or at times derogatory. I blockedthem on my phone and really needed to ct off from them.to block them . years ago when they were very unstable and abusive, they caused me such trauma that i lost alot of friends and its something i never will feel i have recovered from. since then they were stable and did well in many challenges and deserved my support . They have recently gne through a very hard time where i helped them for several weeks in a major crisis.

    my nature is that i do help people againw hen they need it even people who have betrayed or abused me ,but i otherwise tend to cut them off.

    They usually apologise and so i might have to wait for them to reflect and apologise with all that they are dealing with.

    i feel i need some distance but also to pull them up on when they are even a bit derogatory and disrespectful and part of me wishes that i didnt help people even in major crisis who have been highly abusive at times to me. this person has done well in challenges and isnt usually abusive and we are all very proud of them and we all benefit from a friendship with them. . trust joy and respect is really affected if someone is emotionally abusive.

    what do you do when someone you love can also occassionally be very derogatory or even emotionally viscious and abusive even if its 'just' in a text.

  • #2
    You need therapy to help you out of your codependent nature. You stay in abusive relationships of all kinds. A therapist will help you to figure out why you don't love yourself enough to tell assholes to fuck off. (BTW: Your wife is one of those assholes and, instead of leaving her, you had children with her and now you feel even more trapped)
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      Wow, I could've written this! It took me a long time to heal from abusive relationships. I don't know who these people are in your life but for me, it was extended family and relatives. I had to cut a friend loose a long time ago. I can't speak for all people but for me, I would entangle myself with abusive relationships due to my low self-esteem, my needing to be a hero and help / save people and my feeling the need to feel needed. I would always end up associating with people with really messed up personal lives. It took me years to figure out that, I needed to stop placing myself in toxic, hopeless relationships. I can't cut certain people out of my life because our paths cross at random. All I can do is remain cordial, diplomatic, polite and well-mannered with those whom I don't admire very much. My relationships with them are not chummy and close but that's ok because the most beautiful part is that we're all civil towards one another which results in peace every time. It works. What helped me was to be more involved with myself. I became healthy, ate with wiser choices, exercised regularly and focused on my health. Sound body sound mind. Once I changed into a new way of thinking, I didn't have time for nonsense type people anymore. And, you attract certain normal people who gravitate towards you automatically. Alike minds attract alike minds.
      Whenever anyone has red flags such as trust issues, deceit / betrayal traits or anything "off," those are signals to stay away. Certain people are sociopaths, manipulators, deceitful or gaslighters. You need to run away from those types of people right away.
      I once craved for a lot of relationships even if they weren't good. I'm not like that anymore. Peace of mind is better. Remaining with abusive people whom you don't trust or people who betray you will make your life grow worse over time. They're not worth it. Create your own happiness and mental well-being. Take charge and be in control of your own life. You'll thank yourself later.
      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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      • #4
        I've cut off many people, more than I can count on two hands, maybe three, and most of my extended family. I also become fairly tired of friends who should be friendly but end up becoming entirely self-absorbed. Life is a lot happier the way I've fashioned it now. It takes work creating peace but once you get into the habit, you'll get used to it and possessive of your peaceful life. Good luck.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by sue View Post
          when do you cut off from abusive or betraying people

          i have kept friendship with difficult friends relationships or relatives longer than others, because they offered some good. but often the costs were still very very very very high.

          one friend i finally cut off after years of trauma, and another friend i finally cut off after about 11 betrayals.

          someone recently went through text, on an extremely viscious abusive rampage of irrational distortent emotional abuse against me. . It was very scarey. I dont know what triggered it but it must have been something i said. They werent talking about the topic or anything current,. they were not at all rational . they were just saying all sorts of distorted past things to attack and hurt me. I wish they could stay calm and rational and not be triggered to be so abusive. it was very exreme, vicsious and scarey

          some people are able to stay very rational and on topic when they talk .something must have triggered them to attack, and act so crazy. I"m not sure what it was. it wasnt rational or current it was a distortion of past events written in a way to attack me visciously.

          my first reaction was to stay completely away from them for a long long time. This level of abuse was really scarey and broke my trust with them. its not the first time they can be so scarey and abusive or at times derogatory. I blockedthem on my phone and really needed to ct off from them.to block them . years ago when they were very unstable and abusive, they caused me such trauma that i lost alot of friends and its something i never will feel i have recovered from. since then they were stable and did well in many challenges and deserved my support . They have recently gne through a very hard time where i helped them for several weeks in a major crisis.

          my nature is that i do help people againw hen they need it even people who have betrayed or abused me ,but i otherwise tend to cut them off.

          They usually apologise and so i might have to wait for them to reflect and apologise with all that they are dealing with.

          i feel i need some distance but also to pull them up on when they are even a bit derogatory and disrespectful and part of me wishes that i didnt help people even in major crisis who have been highly abusive at times to me. this person has done well in challenges and isnt usually abusive and we are all very proud of them and we all benefit from a friendship with them. . trust joy and respect is really affected if someone is emotionally abusive.

          what do you do when someone you love can also occasionally be very derogatory or even emotionally viscious and abusive even if its 'just' in a text.
          Wow, I could've written this because it happened to me not too long ago. To me, betrayals are the same as lying and deceit. It's impossible to get over it because in the back of your mind you'll always be suspicious that the risk is there for repeats. I too went through electronic altercations and in the past verbal as well. The first thing you need to think about these looney bins is that whenever anyone acts real psycho or outlandishly weird to the point of acting crazy, you need to back off because they're mentally unstable. You never want to associate with those who are irrational and unreasonable. I've since learned this the hard way. Whenever you deal with those who are emotionally volatile, you'll end up getting roped into their drama which causes your depression and anger. It took a long time for me to build up my self-esteem, self-confidence and courage to say no more. I've cut a few friends out of my life. With family, it's more difficult but my enforced, healthy boundaries with them are peaceful nowadays. Also, I've learned to back off. I'm still nice and kind towards friends and family. I just don't over do it otherwise you'll set yourself up to eventually become someone's verbal (or electronic) punching bag. Don't be too helpful. It's good to have compassion and want to help but remember that people are consumed with their own very busy lives. I did A LOT for others in the past and I've since scaled way, way back. Nowadays, I'm good acquaintances with everyone in my life and it seems to be the safest stance. I'm kind and thoughtful but I never go overboard anymore. Getting too close is way overrated. Keep a safe, cordial distance. If for some reason, the nutty person is a red flag for you, cut it off. I've found some people in my past were dangerous to me and my loved ones and I'm never going to affect our settled lives. Create your world of happiness by controlling who gets to be in it and and what level. That's what I've been doing and never looked back. It works.
          Last edited by chanelle; February 1st, 2018, 09:58 PM.
          "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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          • #6

            My nature is to be compassionate and helpful, too. With vicious nut cases, I cut them off. You don't want crazy people to affect your safety for one thing and you need to have mental well-being minus weirdos and psychos in your life. Yes, emotional abuse is horrible. I went through that not too long ago. It took me a while to control who has the privilege to be in my life and who does not. Only surround yourself with normal, decent human beings. Everyone else doesn't make the cut. That's how I look at it. Avoid those with serious mental disorders at all costs.
            "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

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