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Is this a bad way of thinking?

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  • Is this a bad way of thinking?

    My soon to be ex still wants a relationship with me but not a romantic one. They pretty much just want to be friends. I said "You know what, you're right. This is for the best." and then I stop talking to her for awhile. She kept calling and texting nonstop. I finally answered and when I was about to cut the conversation short, she was crying and said "don't cut this short with me. I don't know what you're trying to do or what kind of game you're trying to play but please stop. I'm begging you to stop. I'm willing to do marriage counseling. Even if we don't work out, I still don't deserve this. I still want you in my life." We talked a very short while longer and hung up.

    To be honest, I'm not going to want to just be friends with her. I'm going to want either a romantic relationship or not one at all because being friends with her just hurts too much.

    I posted more about this on a different topic but I was asking a completely different question about it.

    Should I still keep up this no contact? I feel bad for doing it but I also feel like she only wants to talk to me when she needs something until that time.

    I hate playing these mind games but I feel that it's necessary to win her back and help her to realize her feelings for me.

  • #2
    She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I think it's great to have an amicable relationship with your ex spouse, as in sending a card at Christmas or helping her occasionally with something. But that's not what she wants. She wants you to be her husband for all intents and purposes but without the physical intimacy.

    If you agree to that, you'll be putting your life on hold with hope that she'll come around. Don't do it.
    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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    • #3
      Yeah, I'll stop talking to her again if she tries that. It's so interesting that something so simple as ignoring your spouse can drive them crazy with emotions. Like I said, even though it's interesting, I hate to do it to her but I'm not a door mat or a pushover and she's going to find that out; hopefully the easy way but I got a feeling it might end up being the hard way. It hurts me as well but it's better than being used.

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      • #4
        It doesn't have to be unpleasant on your end. If she wants to get hysterical, that's her problem. You need to remain calm and collected, don't raise your voice or indicate in any way that you're angry. Just state the facts, that if she wants only friendship, that's not possible. Tell her you wish her much happiness in life and move on.
        "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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        • #5
          I saw your other thread and responded to it contextually. I read this one and the pieces have come together. She doesn't want to be with you at all romantically and that's why you're lashing out by imposing the manipulative no speaking rule. The rule to you isn't just for self-healing though, is it. There's some vindictiveness there too because you want her to hurt as much as you're hurting. You want her to realize her feelings for you but she just wants closure. You'll never win over someone's heart like this and nor does it sounds like you want to. You've already given up - on yourself, on her, on hope or any love. You know it's over but you can't just let go because it's too painful which is understandable of course. Deep down you know she doesn't love you and her first choice is to move on. Because she doesn't have closure, she isn't able to move on and it's clouding her judgment.

          Her constant phonecalls suggest your communicative skills are really shit. And it has nothing to do with the no speaking rule. You were terrible at it to begin with and you may have shut her out without really thinking about her feelings in the past. Maybe things are very easy for you to deduce, you are intelligent and things comes to you easily like mathematical equations and you can calculate variables fast or perceive many things at once. You're amazed why others are so slow. Maybe you're a poor listener. Maybe you're even hard of hearing, have attention deficit disorder or some other mental impediment that doesn't allow you to process information very well when someone else is speaking. Or? You just get bored or don't care because other people can be soooo slow. Someone calling or feeling the need to call nonstop suggests someone who hasn't felt heard for a long time. Granted, she could really be a nutter but I feel like perhaps you have something to do with it too. I hope things get better for the both of you and you won't have to feel this way for long.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
            I saw your other thread and responded to it contextually. I read this one and the pieces have come together. She doesn't want to be with you at all romantically and that's why you're lashing out by imposing the manipulative no speaking rule. The rule to you isn't just for self-healing though, is it. There's some vindictiveness there too because you want her to hurt as much as you're hurting. You want her to realize her feelings for you but she just wants closure. You'll never win over someone's heart like this and nor does it sounds like you want to. You've already given up - on yourself, on her, on hope or any love. You know it's over but you can't just let go because it's too painful which is understandable of course. Deep down you know she doesn't love you and her first choice is to move on. Because she doesn't have closure, she isn't able to move on and it's clouding her judgment.

            Her constant phonecalls suggest your communicative skills are really shit. And it has nothing to do with the no speaking rule. You were terrible at it to begin with and you may have shut her out without really thinking about her feelings in the past. Maybe things are very easy for you to deduce, you are intelligent and things comes to you easily like mathematical equations and you can calculate variables fast or perceive many things at once. You're amazed why others are so slow. Maybe you're a poor listener. Maybe you're even hard of hearing, have attention deficit disorder or some other mental impediment that doesn't allow you to process information very well when someone else is speaking. Or? You just get bored or don't care because other people can be soooo slow. Someone calling or feeling the need to call nonstop suggests someone who hasn't felt heard for a long time. Granted, she could really be a nutter but I feel like perhaps you have something to do with it too. I hope things get better for the both of you and you won't have to feel this way for long.
            Hey, this is the last post I'll make on this topic, let's just talk on the other one. I could be wrong but I think we're both still in love with each other. I think we both have trust issues and have a hard time trusting each other, in fact, I know that's at least part of it. We both had a lot of other things going on in our lives recently and we took it out on each other. Maybe we both just changed as people do change. Maybe I'm just comfortable being with her and I'm afraid of change as we've been together for 5 years and I'm just doing everything I can to keep her. I don't think I can be just friends with her though. It hurts too much. I want her to still be in love with me but if it comes down to being just friends or hating me, I would rather her hate me. It's hard to explain. I would not accept the friend zone. I mean, I'll communicate with her when it involves our daughter as my wife herself said that she would not want to keep our daughter from me and that I will always be her dad, nothing will change that. It could be my autism and with my wife having PTSD as well as anxiety and depression, I guess counseling would be helpful for both of us. I resorted to the no contact rule because it made me feel good when she missed me and was calling me instead of me having to call her. I feel like she would not do that if she was not in love with me. This is wrong, isn't it? Maybe I'm just scared. Maybe I misunderstood the meaning of No Contact. I just want my wife back and for her and my daughter to be happy again.

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            • #7
              you should tell her you would be willing to be her friend with benefits but have no interest in a platonic friendship with a former lover as it too stressful.

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