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My Boyfriend puts me aside when he's around his sister

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  • My Boyfriend puts me aside when he's around his sister

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for a bit over 2 years and a lot of his time and energy go into supporting his mom and sister. He pays his mom 50% of rent (they live together) and supports his sisters schooling and is always sending her money with little money to have for himself or us. I find it nice how my boyfriend is there for his family and is able to financially help them but it gets to the point where they are very manipulative and take advantage of him. They both are materialistic and them him long lists of Christmas gifts that they want every year and dont buy him anything in return. He spends more money on their Christmas gifts then gifts for me (because he knows I dont care as much as they do). They also get crazy and start fighting when he has no money to send them and this usually results in him sending them money and then racking up his visa. He will drop anything of his day to give them a ride (renting cars for them because they do not have a car). Meanwhile on my end I pick him up from work almost every single day that he finishes work after me (with my gas money always), I always lend him my own money (which he pays back to me) and am never even once asking him for a gift. On my birthday he didnt get my a gift but he bought his sister a 50$ gift. She always brags to me about the gifts he buys her and it makes me sad that he clearly will never love me like he loves them. When me and his sister are in the same room he often forgets im there and always asks her is she is cold and needs his sweater, and is constantly making sure shes okay. I do not wont to intrude with the relationship he has with them as I understand they are blood and family. it just makes me sad that I can put so much time and money into him yet I will always be his priority after them. After them he treats me amazingly as well but I feel like I may not ever be equal with them (as they are family) but when we talk about having our own family one day, I often get worried with thoughts that he would create more time for them, than our family (if we end up married).
    Starts
    December 31st, 2017
    Ends
    December 31st, 2017

  • #2
    He's not changing and if he gets off on letting them take advantage of him then you should leave him and let them.
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

    Comment


    • #3
      One-sided relationships never work out. He's too emotionally tied to his family to be able to be a good boyfriend. Dump him.
      "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

      Comment


      • #4
        Do not make this a competition for your boyfriend's love. It pits you against his mother and sister. And, as you point out, they're family. The odds there are against you.

        The real issue, when looking at your potential future with this man, is that he lacks the ability to stand up for himself and say "no" to self-centered selfish people. In other words, he's a pleaser with a weak spine. You may love and respect his ability to put those he cares about ahead of himself and make sacrifices. However, you can't respect his inability to stand up for himself and confront bad behavior.

        As a potential wife and mother of his children, that should frighten you. If you can point that out to him WITHOUT throwing his mother and sister under the bus, you may inspire him to man up and grow a back bone.

        You might say something like,

        "....Honey, I really love and respect how you look out for your mother and sister. I admire a man who puts his family first and can see how you would make those kinds of sacrifices for your future wife and children. What concerns me and makes me doubt that you are the man for me is your willingness to enable selfishness and bad behavior at your own expense. I hate the idea that you would indulge and spoil your children and wife like you do your mother and sister while throwing yourself into debt.

        I love your mother and sister, but they are self-centered selfish women who show little concern for your well-being. You allow yourself to be treated so badly by people who don't see what a great guy you are. I could never allow my children to see their father treated that way. It's unhealthy for them.

        I don't know if you see how you let yourself be treated that way or if you see a future with me, but as things are, I don't see one for us.

        Do you understand what I'm talking about?...."


        Then see how he responds.

        The point is, you are pointing out how HE behaves how he allows HIMSELF to be treated, NOT how his mother and sister behave. You DON'T want to put him in the position of defending his mother and sister. You are trying to help him see how poorly he is being treated. And when he does try to excuse their behavior, turn the focus back on him. Say something like, "... You see, that's what I'm afraid of. You don't even realize how badly you are being treated. If you won't take my word for it, go talk to a friend or counselor who will give you an unbiased view of how you're going into debt to indulge the frivolous wants and laziness of your family...Taking care of your mother and sister's needs is admirable and I truly respect that. Hurting yourself so they can have all the Christmas presents they want is foolishness..."

        Good luck

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        • #5
          I'm all for trying to fix something when it's broken but the dude has it ingrained that he should be doing what he's doing.

          Op: I'd be very interested in seeing how you make out when using Pollon's dialogue with your boyfriend. Please try it and get back to us on how he, at least, does something in regards to having personal boundaries in place with his mom/sis and doesn't let them cross those boundaries.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            What is Pollon's dialogue?

            Comment


            • #7
              I expressed my feelings to him how his mom and sister take advantage of him and it hurts me. I also explained that at the end of the day, no matter who your family is, you need to take care of the ones who take care of you the most and showed sadness in all the things that I do for him that I felt he took for granted.I also made it clear how I didn't like how he never stands up for himself and letting people in his life manipulate him. Also went on about not making sure to not unappreciate people who show him the most love just because there not "blood family" (aka me).

              He took it all really well and liked how I was honest and and agreed, that everything I said was true. He said he was grateful for saying it to him because he realized he needs to stand up for himself more often. And that he can starting changing his ways now and really loved and respected how honest I was and said how all he wants is to work past this. He also said he wasn't mad at me and more mad at himself for not noticing.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by hailz7 View Post
                Me and my boyfriend have been together for a bit over 2 years and a lot of his time and energy go into supporting his mom and sister. He pays his mom 50% of rent (they live together) and supports his sisters schooling and is always sending her money with little money to have for himself or us. I find it nice how my boyfriend is there for his family and is able to financially help them but it gets to the point where they are very manipulative and take advantage of him. They both are materialistic and them him long lists of Christmas gifts that they want every year and dont buy him anything in return. He spends more money on their Christmas gifts then gifts for me (because he knows I dont care as much as they do). They also get crazy and start fighting when he has no money to send them and this usually results in him sending them money and then racking up his visa. He will drop anything of his day to give them a ride (renting cars for them because they do not have a car). Meanwhile on my end I pick him up from work almost every single day that he finishes work after me (with my gas money always), I always lend him my own money (which he pays back to me) and am never even once asking him for a gift. On my birthday he didnt get my a gift but he bought his sister a 50$ gift. She always brags to me about the gifts he buys her and it makes me sad that he clearly will never love me like he loves them. When me and his sister are in the same room he often forgets im there and always asks her is she is cold and needs his sweater, and is constantly making sure shes okay. I do not wont to intrude with the relationship he has with them as I understand they are blood and family. it just makes me sad that I can put so much time and money into him yet I will always be his priority after them. After them he treats me amazingly as well but I feel like I may not ever be equal with them (as they are family) but when we talk about having our own family one day, I often get worried with thoughts that he would create more time for them, than our family (if we end up married).
                I came to this thread wanting to defend him but therr is no defending this. Buy him the book "boundaries" and then leave him if he doesn't put it into action. I can understand him splitting rent with someone he lives with, but the rest of that garbage is toxic.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by hailz7 View Post
                  What is Pollon's dialogue?
                  Post No.4 Reread what pollon suggested what you might want to say to your boyfriend about his lack of boundaries with his parents.

                  However, it seems you've communicated to him with some success. Only thing left now is to sit back and see if he actually makes any changes.

                  Good luck. Hope he does.
                  "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by hailz7 View Post
                    I expressed my feelings to him how his mom and sister take advantage of him and it hurts me. I also explained that at the end of the day, no matter who your family is, you need to take care of the ones who take care of you the most and showed sadness in all the things that I do for him that I felt he took for granted.I also made it clear how I didn't like how he never stands up for himself and letting people in his life manipulate him. Also went on about not making sure to not unappreciate people who show him the most love just because there not "blood family" (aka me).

                    He took it all really well and liked how I was honest and and agreed, that everything I said was true. He said he was grateful for saying it to him because he realized he needs to stand up for himself more often. And that he can starting changing his ways now and really loved and respected how honest I was and said how all he wants is to work past this. He also said he wasn't mad at me and more mad at himself for not noticing.
                    This! I love this! Sounds to me like progress! Talking about these things can be so difficult but communictation is key in any relationship. It sounds to me like he might benefit from some guidance in setting boundaries with his family. Remember, change takes time and patience. If he doesnít show major progress right off the start donít be surprised or even upset, just ask him what you can do to help support him. Knowing he has a supportive partner at his side will be huge.

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