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  • I think my friend is in love with me and I need help.

    Dear friends at Relationship forums, hello. I'm glad to be here.


    Something has been bothering me for quite some time now, and I was googling to see if someone has had similar situation. I came across this site and I decided to join and ask you guys for help, this community seems both active and helpful.

    So here is the thing, I have an online female friend, we live in different countries (She is in the Netherlands and I'm from the middle east, yet we are both from the same country but she was raised there). We have been friends for more than a year and we are pretty close. I think we have texted each other almost every day from the day we started chatting, and sometimes our chats take long, but this is what is a bit alarming for me.

    I am a bit concerned that she might have developed some feelings beyond the spectrum of friendship. I kinda feel that she expects the behavior one would expect from a boyfriend. To text back on-demand, to memorize her daily schedule (God forbid if forget something about her work). She starts fights because I could not text back for a few hours (yes, only for a few hours). And even if I don't text back for like a day, she starts apologizing and just says how "She needs to talk to me" or "She would not trade my friendship with the world" or other things like that. Once she started a fight and when I told her maybe we should talk less or something, she cried for hours. I can give you further details but I think that would be redundant.

    I have to say that I really like her, she is a very good friend, I feel comfortable to talk to her about my feelings, but I kinda feel like that it is turning into some kind of obligation. In a relationship (more than friends), you are obliged to make time for your SO no matter what. But demanding a friend to be there all the time, every moment of every day, is a bit odd. I can't simply ask her, and she is going through a lot of problems (family, work, depression etc.) and I want to be her helping hand... but as a friend. I tried to ask her about her future plans regarding a relationship and she told e a few times that she doesn't even think about a relationship or joked about not finding the guy she wants. On the other hand she keeps telling me that she can't imagine not talking to me even for one day. I don't know what to make out of it.

    I'm currently single, but I might start dating in a few months (currently I am so preoccupied that I can not guarantee a girl's emotional stability and satisfaction) and I can't imagine hurting her. On the other hand, when I start dating eventually, I will not text a female friend 24/7, it is very disrespectful to my future SO, and it might even be destructive for her. I also have to say that after knowing her for quite some time, I am sure that I can not simply "talk to her" about this issue.

    Another issue is that in a few month, she is going to visit her family in my country, and her family live in close proximity of my house (less than an hour) and she insists on meeting in person. I have nothing against meeting her, actually I would love to see her in person and hang out with her for a few hours, but I need to act in a way that draws the line between friendship and something more.

    I don't know what to do. Is she in love with me? If so, what can I do? I can't simply shut her down. Or am I just being delusional and this is normal for a female friend to feel close to guy friend.

  • #2
    I don't think it's normal.

    Clearly she is addicted to the 'relationship' she has with you. You see her as a friend, someone to chat with and share some personal experiences. She sees you as an online boyfriend. In truth, this online relationship that you have with her is beginning to smother your personal life and making contact with her feel like an obligation. It's also causing her to put her life on hold with a hope that something bigger will come of your connection. Even if she doesn't see you as a boyfriend, she has an obsessive need to command a great deal of your time every day. Something has to give, right?

    I know you feel kindly towards her, and the thought of hurting her feelings is abhorrent to you. However.....you must take the initiative to curb this excessive communication. You don't have to 'shut her down' right now. What you need to do is start dialing back the amount of time you spend talking to her. What would happen if she found out you were dating someone? You're absolutely right to say that if you were in a relationship with someone, it would be highly disrespectful to be talking to this girl.

    What I think you should do is stop indulging her. Let her know that you will no longer tolerate any 'fights' over how long it takes for you to text her back or don't memorize her schedule. If she starts arguing , just don't contact her for a few days. Eventually, the fighting will stop when she realizes you won't put up with it. The next thing you should do is to hint that you're interested in a girl you've met. Start cutting down your communication to once a day and then once every few days.

    Dude, she has to know that you're not interested in a relationship with her, and the longer you avoid the conversation, the harder it will be for her. Man up and do what you need to do.

    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

    Comment


    • #3
      if you are not in a relationship now why are you so opposed to having a good time with her while she is with you locally. why this big friendzoning need? if she is not sexually appealing to you this is the best opportunity to set the rules for future chatting as friends only. let her know your future thoughts very clearly if you are not going to take advantage of her weaknesses while available to you.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
        I don't think it's normal.

        Clearly she is addicted to the 'relationship' she has with you. You see her as a friend, someone to chat with and share some personal experiences. She sees you as an online boyfriend. In truth, this online relationship that you have with her is beginning to smother your personal life and making contact with her feel like an obligation. It's also causing her to put her life on hold with a hope that something bigger will come of your connection. Even if she doesn't see you as a boyfriend, she has an obsessive need to command a great deal of your time every day. Something has to give, right?

        I know you feel kindly towards her, and the thought of hurting her feelings is abhorrent to you. However.....you must take the initiative to curb this excessive communication. You don't have to 'shut her down' right now. What you need to do is start dialing back the amount of time you spend talking to her. What would happen if she found out you were dating someone? You're absolutely right to say that if you were in a relationship with someone, it would be highly disrespectful to be talking to this girl.

        What I think you should do is stop indulging her. Let her know that you will no longer tolerate any 'fights' over how long it takes for you to text her back or don't memorize her schedule. If she starts arguing , just don't contact her for a few days. Eventually, the fighting will stop when she realizes you won't put up with it. The next thing you should do is to hint that you're interested in a girl you've met. Start cutting down your communication to once a day and then once every few days.

        Dude, she has to know that you're not interested in a relationship with her, and the longer you avoid the conversation, the harder it will be for her. Man up and do what you need to do.
        Thank you for your constructive comment Sarah.
        I have told her numerous times that I am about to start dating someone soon and she seems fine with it, I guess. She says thigs like "What do I do then" and "Whom do I talk to then", but I think she has accepted that I will not be available in the future. I have made it totally clear, and for the sake of both of us, I have never sent any mixed signals. I do believe that playing wih a girl's emotions is extremely amoral.

        You made 2 major points, one is to stand up to her when she demands me to memorize her schedule and do not indugle the fights. This is a good advice, I was so preoccupied with not hurting her that I gave her the power to start a fight and get what she wants. I will take this advice and see what happens. the other is to talk about "a girl" I have met. Do you want me to lie to her? Because I don't like to lie. I have made this clear that, despite being good friend, I will date eventually. I won't break contact with her, but it will be ocasional texts, emails and maybe hang out with her when she visits my country, with my future girlfriend.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by rabbithabit View Post
          if you are not in a relationship now why are you so opposed to having a good time with her while she is with you locally. why this big friendzoning need? if she is not sexually appealing to you this is the best opportunity to set the rules for future chatting as friends only. let her know your future thoughts very clearly if you are not going to take advantage of her weaknesses while available to you.
          Well, it is not about sexual attraction. Actualy she is very beautiful and hot, and she has been emotionally hurt because of that in the past. But a relationship is not our thing because of many reasons, mostly ideological differences about life, career, and a lot more things. I think she has developed these feelings towards me because I never wanted to, nor have I tried to get in er pants. Never sexualized and and I was always interested in her-as a friend- because of her personality. All and all, a relationship is not our thing.

          I just don't want to be like "Hey you want me as a boyfriend and I don't". Only a total dick will act like that. I don't want to have "a talk" with her (I will probably mess that up in person). I want ways to make her realized we are friends and always will be. I even tried to set her up with a few people I know, but she doesn't want to date (and with all her problems, I think she is not ready). Thank you for response, and I would ask you to kindly tell me how to make her realize she can not depend on me for ever.

          Comment


          • #6
            It's good to hear that you have told her you intend to start dating. You say she seems fine with it. Maybe she's just lonely and needs to have a confidante.

            I didn't mean to suggest lying, exactly. I thought it would be a test to see how she would react. Would she act like a hysterical jealous girlfriend or be fine with it, but you answered that question.l

            I think the only way you can make her realize that she can't depend on you is to cut down on the communication. Tell her you've been busy (I know...you don't like to lie). But sometimes a little white lie can go a long way to helping someone deal with a difficult situation. I know you've made it clear that you don't want to be a boyfriend, but in a way, you're filling the role of a boyfriend. She needs to get her own life where she lives and start seeing friends and think about dating instead of being glued to her phone texting you all day.

            You need to engage in some tough love here.
            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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            • #7
              Tell her to stop acting like a baby and you're busy. Men focus so much on trying not to be a dick that they are already in the shape of a dick. This means you care so much about your image that you forget the falsities that you give out. She sounds very young and very stupid and she needs to grow up. Maybe she developed feelings for you, maybe not but you're not attracted. Period.

              My question to you is - why do you feel so scared of giving up this friendship or why are you so consumed with the idea of hurting her or not. She's nothing to you but a chick you talk to when you're free overseas. Big whoop. Bring it down a few levels and see it for what it really is. Yes, you have said she is a friend and you are fairly close but her behaviour suggests selfishness, rudeness, immaturity and an alarming lack of respect for you or the commitments you have in your life (ie working). She's nothing to you. Act appropriately.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                It's good to hear that you have told her you intend to start dating. You say she seems fine with it. Maybe she's just lonely and needs to have a confidante.

                I didn't mean to suggest lying, exactly. I thought it would be a test to see how she would react. Would she act like a hysterical jealous girlfriend or be fine with it, but you answered that question.l

                I think the only way you can make her realize that she can't depend on you is to cut down on the communication. Tell her you've been busy (I know...you don't like to lie). But sometimes a little white lie can go a long way to helping someone deal with a difficult situation. I know you've made it clear that you don't want to be a boyfriend, but in a way, you're filling the role of a boyfriend. She needs to get her own life where she lives and start seeing friends and think about dating instead of being glued to her phone texting you all day.

                You need to engage in some tough love here.
                Thank you. I would go ahead and talk less to her. Maybe tell her I am busy or I am hanging out with friends. Now that I think of it, a few months ago she would "forbid" me from hanging out with my friends (Implied that I have to stay home and text her)! But after I told her it is that it is and I hangout with whom ever I want, things became better. She also loves to send me on a ride on the guilt train. Im not falling for that again

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Rose Mosse View Post
                  Tell her to stop acting like a baby and you're busy. Men focus so much on trying not to be a dick that they are already in the shape of a dick. This means you care so much about your image that you forget the falsities that you give out. She sounds very young and very stupid and she needs to grow up. Maybe she developed feelings for you, maybe not but you're not attracted. Period.

                  My question to you is - why do you feel so scared of giving up this friendship or why are you so consumed with the idea of hurting her or not. She's nothing to you but a chick you talk to when you're free overseas. Big whoop. Bring it down a few levels and see it for what it really is. Yes, you have said she is a friend and you are fairly close but her behaviour suggests selfishness, rudeness, immaturity and an alarming lack of respect for you or the commitments you have in your life (ie working). She's nothing to you. Act appropriately.
                  I think you don't have a correct definition of "friendship". We are close friends and 90% of the time we enjoy each other's company. All I want is for her to be safe, becuase she is going through some serious stuff (Problems with her family, big financial issues, depression etc.) And I want her "safe". She is very importabt to me, but as a friend. It is not a binary, so someone is either everything or nothing. I can't break her heart, but the more we keep on doing this, the harder it will be for her.
                  Last edited by notsofunyguy; December 30th, 2017, 04:09 PM.

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                  • #10
                    Now that I think of it, a few months ago she would "forbid" me from hanging out with my friends

                    To me, this crosses the line big time. Family problems and financial issues aside, there's something wrong with her...seriously. Her behavior borders on psycho. There's no reason for you to feel guilty about anything. I have lots of friends, but I never feel the need to text them every day all day. She wants to possess you, body and soul. You need to cut the cords.

                    And by the way, she may say she's ok with your dating, but I guarantee the minute you start doing it, she's going to go bonkers.
                    "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      if that is your true feelings then you need to cleanly tell her that you can remain friends but their is no opportunity beyond a friendship for all the reasons you have stated. stop her emotional playing with you by clearly friendzoning her forever in her mind during her visit.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                        Now that I think of it, a few months ago she would "forbid" me from hanging out with my friends

                        To me, this crosses the line big time. Family problems and financial issues aside, there's something wrong with her...seriously. Her behavior borders on psycho. There's no reason for you to feel guilty about anything. I have lots of friends, but I never feel the need to text them every day all day. She wants to possess you, body and soul. You need to cut the cords.

                        And by the way, she may say she's ok with your dating, but I guarantee the minute you start doing it, she's going to go bonkers.
                        You're right, I want to (and have to) cut the cord, but don't want to do it like an inconsiderate jerk. Last night she was feeling very bad and I tried to talk to her a bit to cheer her up maybe (Probably because she literally has no one to hang out with for the new year) but she was very, very cold. I felt I have to give her some space, and didn't initiate a conversation. After a few minutes, she was all mad that I don't care about her and all (I know, it sounds like she is 16 or something, despite being 26). I told her I am not going to justify myself, and that I care about her but I hate drama and she can text me when she cools down. She said don't bother texting again and some other guilt inducing things, but I didn't respond. As you said, she needs to know I am not putting up with this attention seeking drama. This has happened before though, she will probably text me in a few days and apologize.

                        Let's wait and see what happens. And honestly, in the coming days I am going to be very busy and might not even text her back as quickly as she wants.

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by rabbithabit View Post
                          if that is your true feelings then you need to cleanly tell her that you can remain friends but their is no opportunity beyond a friendship for all the reasons you have stated. stop her emotional playing with you by clearly friendzoning her forever in her mind during her visit.
                          I have tried. I literally friendzoned and sisterzoned her, and we never even remotely talked about being in a relationship, she jut doesn't want to accept it. I have to act in a way that she realizes that she has to be on her own.

                          This amount of cringe isn't healthy even in a relationship.

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                          • #14
                            If she has no friends to hang out with, there's a reason for that. I think you're still enabling her behavior by saying, you might not even text her back as quickly as she wants. Meaning you intend to respond to every text she writes. I say cut her down to one or two texts a week.
                            "What lips my lips have kissed and where and why I have forgotten." ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

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                            • #15
                              Originally posted by SarahLancaster View Post
                              If she has no friends to hang out with, there's a reason for that. I think you're still enabling her behavior by saying, you might not even text her back as quickly as she wants. Meaning you intend to respond to every text she writes. I say cut her down to one or two texts a week.
                              I will ignore her for a week or two, sounds reasonable

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