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  • Boyfriend or family

    Hi all, I'm new here and looking for some advice. I'll try to keep it short but with loads of info. Basically I am 27 and have been with my boyfriend from 10yrs. We have lived together every since day one as his parents wanted to move abroad and he wanted to go to college so my parents took him in. We still live with my parents now. About 8 yrs ago my brother left and left my parents in a load of debt and in the arrears with the bank and rent. He withdraw all their money and took out club cards in their names. I was the only one they could rely on to help them which I honestly didn't mind. My parents are slightly better of now but not as they should be. My other half have all of a sudden told me he wants to move out asap basically. I think I want to but I'm also so concerned about my parents, I want to be there to help them as I know they can't afford things without me to be honest.

    I'm also having debts because I'm worried he will make me choice between them or him and stop me seeing my parents etc. It doesn't help where all me do is argue basically all the time. We have barely anything in common like we use to, we can't talk to each other but in the smart sense we are all we have, we have no friends. I'm having difficulties knowing how I feel, do I still love him as in in love with him or is it friendship love, like I don't want to lose him or I'll be on my own.

    If I'm honest with you, I want to give my parents money each month so I know they will be ok but not tell my other half as he won't allow it. I think I want to take a chance and move out with him just to see how we are, how I feel etc. Also, if we break up while we are out then we won't have to have the awkward situation of living together if not together.

    I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone when my parents die. Am I being stupid, childish, afraid etc etc
    Last edited by PeckerPenguin; December 18th, 2017, 03:54 PM.

  • #2
    Unless your parents are to elderly to get their own ass out of debt then I don't think it's your place to bail them out. You are a young adult who should be cutting the apron strings and living her own life with the man she loves. (If you don't love him then don't go forth with him but set him free so he can find someone who isn't in a codependent relationship with her parents.

    If you want to send them money once in a while when they are short then I don't see anything wrong with that but if doing so is keeping you from getting your own responsibilities looked after then of course you shouldn't.

    Bottom line: Living for 10 years with your boyfriend at your parents home is long enough. Any reason why after all this time you two haven't gotten married?
    "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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    • #3
      I definitely agree with Phases about not being obligated to bail your parents out and I think if you want to start a family or some semblance of unity with someone else and a life, the last thing you'd want to be doing is not being honest about money. I also think that your boyfriend may be overreacting a little to sending some money to your parents. If you work, even if you are a couple, you should have your own bit of disposable income that you can do with as you please. It shouldn't be all going into a joint account. My parents were married for 50 years and never had a joint account and neither do I and my fiance. You should be able to judge yourself whether you can handle that added cost in your monthly budget or if you are stretching yourself too thin and putting a strain on your shared finances with your boyfriend. He doesn't deserve that (neither of you do).

      The bigger problem you also mentioned was your feelings which seem a bit wobbly. Why are you so afraid to be on your own? Is it finances?

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      • #4
        I see a few things wrong with this picture.

        1. You should never be responsable for your parents' finances. They made the mistake of trusting your brother, and as much of a d*ck move he made, that's not your fault. You're not the one that needs to make up for it. Your parents should be able to get themselves out of debt even without your help. If you have money to spare and it won't limit your own quality of life, sure, you can help them out now and then. But I completely understand your boyfriend not wanting you to send them a bunch of money every month. That money gets taken out of your potential future.

        2. You're 27 years old. Time to fly out of the nest, little bird. Your boyfriend has no bond with your family that makes him want to live under their roof. He's probably grateful for the chance he got to live there for all these years, but to be honest it's really unhealthy for a young couple to live with the in-laws for that long. Why aren't you eager to move out and start your own life? Is something holding you back from growing up?
        (@ Phases, marriage is not the end goal in every relationship, especially in a lot of european cultures - don't know where this couple is from but that doesn't have to mean anything )

        3. Your boyfriend is unsupportive of the way you help out your family and your reluctance to leave the home. It's a shame you feel like you need to/want to hide things from him, like send them money behind his back. If you want to continue this relationship with him, openness and honesty about the joint finances is the only way to go forward. I can't imagine that the two of you (given you both work full time) can't manage to have a few bucks left here and there at the end of the month. Could it be that he's just worried that you'll be putting your parents first and your relationship with him second for the rest of your lives and he feels threatened by your lack of committment to him? That might explain why he reacts so strongly.

        4. All fiancial issues and your worries about your parents aside, it doesn't feel to me like you still want to be in this relationship with your boyfriend anymore. How about this for a change: you think about how you want to be spending the rest of your life. Do you want to be with him? Do you want to be taking care of your parents forever (because that's the road you're heading down right now)? Or do you want to live your own life for a change? Maybe it's time to cut yourself loose from all of them.

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        • #5
          Originally posted by Ayla View Post
          I see a few things wrong with this picture.

          1. You should never be responsable for your parents' finances. They made the mistake of trusting your brother, and as much of a d*ck move he made, that's not your fault. You're not the one that needs to make up for it. Your parents should be able to get themselves out of debt even without your help. If you have money to spare and it won't limit your own quality of life, sure, you can help them out now and then. But I completely understand your boyfriend not wanting you to send them a bunch of money every month. That money gets taken out of your potential future.

          2. You're 27 years old. Time to fly out of the nest, little bird. Your boyfriend has no bond with your family that makes him want to live under their roof. He's probably grateful for the chance he got to live there for all these years, but to be honest it's really unhealthy for a young couple to live with the in-laws for that long. Why aren't you eager to move out and start your own life? Is something holding you back from growing up?
          (@ Phases, marriage is not the end goal in every relationship, especially in a lot of european cultures - don't know where this couple is from but that doesn't have to mean anything )

          3. Your boyfriend is unsupportive of the way you help out your family and your reluctance to leave the home. It's a shame you feel like you need to/want to hide things from him, like send them money behind his back. If you want to continue this relationship with him, openness and honesty about the joint finances is the only way to go forward. I can't imagine that the two of you (given you both work full time) can't manage to have a few bucks left here and there at the end of the month. Could it be that he's just worried that you'll be putting your parents first and your relationship with him second for the rest of your lives and he feels threatened by your lack of committment to him? That might explain why he reacts so strongly.

          4. All fiancial issues and your worries about your parents aside, it doesn't feel to me like you still want to be in this relationship with your boyfriend anymore. How about this for a change: you think about how you want to be spending the rest of your life. Do you want to be with him? Do you want to be taking care of your parents forever (because that's the road you're heading down right now)? Or do you want to live your own life for a change? Maybe it's time to cut yourself loose from all of them.
          (@ Phases, marriage is not the end goal in every relationship, especially in a lot of european cultures - don't know where this couple is from but that doesn't have to mean anything )
          Well, I lived with my boyfriend for three years before we married (in order to keep it real when we had kids) so I'm not suggesting that she HAS to get married but I would like to know why they haven't advanced their relationship from this immature and codependent dynamic they are currently in. However: Like most opening posters that come here, they open a thread and then fuck off so I guess we'll never know.
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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