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Gift giving. I don't want any and I'm bad at giving to others.

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  • Gift giving. I don't want any and I'm bad at giving to others.

    So my wife and I have been married for a few years now. Everything is going great except I now I dread gift giving holidays. Whenever it's time to buy a gift for our families my wife gets really stressed out then takes it out on me because I'm not good at getting other people gifts which makes me not very helpful to her during that time. Growing up my family didn't really do gifts, mostly I just got a little bit of money on my birthday and Christmas and that was it. My wife's family is the opposite, they go over the top with gift giving and frankly I'm just not that into it. I appreciate the gesture but at the same time I just don't want extra unnecessary things, I don't like waste and things I don't need. I just don't know what to do bc my wife expects a gift for pretty much every major holiday (Christmas, birthday, valentines, Mother's Day, anniversary ect) it's just frustrating for me bc even if I try to get her some nice gifts they just end up setting in the closet unused, wasting space. I don't want any gifts bc of that reason.

  • #2
    Re: Gift giving. I don't want any and I'm bad at giving to others.

    Do a little research on the Five Love Languages. Gifts are one of them. In essence, for people who speak the language of "gifts" it really is the thought that counts. Getting a gift means you cared enough about the person to spend some time thinking and finding something to help them feel loved. Whether they use the gift or not is not the point for these people. What they hear in the giving of the gift is "I love you."

    If you're like a good portion of men, Affection, is one of your primary love languages. If your wife just wasn't into touching you and having sex with you, you'd have serious doubts about whether she really loved you. And if you asked her about it, she'd probably say something like, "..What do you mean I don't love you? I cook, clean, etc. I tell you how much I love you and how great I think you are and I spend every waking moment I can with you..." (those are the other three languages) And yet, if Affection is the way you really felt loved, all her other efforts wouldn't be enough to overcome your doubt about her.

    In her family, gifts was how they expressed love. When you don't both to put any thought into it, it is the equivalent of her making no effort to have sex with you.

    You're not getting the gift for her because YOU get anything out of it. You're doing it because she does and you care enough about her to take an hour or two to think about what she might like and go find it.

    Good luck


    • #3
      Re: Gift giving. I don't want any and I'm bad at giving to others.

      Yeah, I'm kind of similar in the gift thing. For me, a big part of it is, I hate the pressure of, "uh-oh, on this particular calendar day, everyone is expected to give gifts!" I'm more of a, "I was randomly walking through some store, and saw X, and remembered you mentioned X-related thing, so I got you X."

      Basically, to me, spontaneous gift-giving is legit affection, and "prescribed" gift giving is bullshit.

      To the people who are really close to me (significant others, close friends, etc.) I'll just do the spontaneous thing, and many do the same for me. I make the expectation (don't get me things just because it's a shopping holiday) pretty clear through my actions.

      For the people who are close, but that are more into what I call socially-conditioned gift-giving, whenever I have a spontaneous gift moment, I just note it down, and it goes into a spreadsheet on my google drive. Yes, a spreadsheet. Then, when it's time to get the gift, I won't have forgotten the thing to buy. They don't need to know about the spreadsheet.

      Also, looking at people's amazon wishlists is an easy solution.

      As a side note, some families feel really obnoxiously entitled about how you should be buying their 19 kids expensive gifts every year. I'm glad I don't have any in my life, but I hear about it a lot on the child-free circles. I hope that isn't your situation hehe. Fuck those people.
      Last edited by Kuky; February 18th, 2016, 11:24 AM.


      • #4
        Re: Gift giving. I don't want any and I'm bad at giving to others.

        OH, one other thing: The trick, if you're annoyed with useless garbage filling up the closet:

        1) Tell everyone you love wine, and you'll never have to buy another bottle again (unless it's a fancy one you specifically want). Or whiskey...

        2) FBA/eBay are your friends.

        3) Create an amazon wishlist. Put Kindle books and MP3 albums on it specifically. No physical space wasted.
        Last edited by Kuky; February 18th, 2016, 11:28 AM.