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Help with my daughter please

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  • Help with my daughter please

    I don't know what to do.

    I have seen my daughter go through hell with her partner and I did my very best to support her. She has 5 children and during a difficult time our second grand-daughter lived with us for 2 years. I helped her leave an abusive relationship and I try to offer her nothing but support.

    In no way do I judge her or criticise her, she is my only child and I love her very much.

    We have never been best friends, I don't ask that, but contacting her is incredibly difficult. I ring her every three weeks or so - not very week - and she doesn't answer her landline or her mobile. So I leave a message and if I am lucky she rings me. I rang her a week ago to say Happy New Year and had to leave a message, she replied that she was unwell and had lost her voice. So I said to get back when she was feeling up to it.

    Now I could have been really worried - her health is not great - only she posted photos on facebook of the great time she had at the weekend.

    She never rings me. But just once in a while I would like her to.

  • #2
    Re: Help with my daughter please

    I'm so sorry, I really feel for you. Unfortunately, we can't ever make people do what we would like them to - even if it's the odd, occasional call.

    It sounds as if you're doing ALL the right things - being supportive, calling and leaving messages, making it clear that you're available for her if she needs you.

    I guess you could mention that you'd love her to call you occasionally, but she sounds like the sort of person who is self involved and might resent that suggestion. You know her better than us, of course.

    The other thing you might do is invite her and the grandchildren over for an informal lunch once a month or arrange to have coffee with her on a semi regular basis - how would she respond to those sorts of offers?

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    • #3
      Re: Help with my daughter please

      Originally posted by Chrysalis View Post
      I don't know what to do.

      I have seen my daughter go through hell with her partner and I did my very best to support her. She has 5 children and during a difficult time our second grand-daughter lived with us for 2 years. I helped her leave an abusive relationship and I try to offer her nothing but support.

      In no way do I judge her or criticise her, she is my only child and I love her very much.

      We have never been best friends, I don't ask that, but contacting her is incredibly difficult. I ring her every three weeks or so - not very week - and she doesn't answer her landline or her mobile. So I leave a message and if I am lucky she rings me. I rang her a week ago to say Happy New Year and had to leave a message, she replied that she was unwell and had lost her voice. So I said to get back when she was feeling up to it.

      Now I could have been really worried - her health is not great - only she posted photos on facebook of the great time she had at the weekend.

      She never rings me. But just once in a while I would like her to.
      Have you asked her to call you more often so that you know she's safe and well? If you have, what did she tell you? If you haven't then get on that.

      If you were to text her, would she reply?

      Has she gotten any therapy to help her to cope with the aftermath of that abusive relationship?
      "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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      • #4
        Re: Help with my daughter please

        I haven't asked her to call me, I walk on eggshells a bit as I cannot say anything that could be construed as criticism. She lives in the north of England and I moved to France 8 years ago so we can't see each other on a regular basis.

        I guess I don't know whether I should say anyting, I am afraid of jeopardising things.

        She did not have therapy after leaving her partner and her reaction was that she would cope on her own. Very hard seeing her with five children. And she was ill because of the stress, I had to go and look after the kids - three times before she left him and twice after. And it half killed me, I had to say in the end that I could not do it any more, it nearly killed me, and I was almost at the point of havng the children into care. Thank God I didn't!

        All I want to do is see her happy. She is her own independant woman and it has been wonderful to see how she has grown since she has been on her own.

        I don't feel I can ring her, I do not want her to feel hassled - And I found myself almost wanting to pull the emotional blackmail card - "Ohdarling, you must have been at death's door, as I know you would have rung me". Oh heck. Or ring my granddaughter to ask if her mother is OK.

        Don't want to go there.

        Hell, all I would like is that she think of me once in a blue moon. Because this hurts. Do I say so?

        Comment


        • #5
          Re: Help with my daughter please

          You either say so or you continue to be the one that does all the reaching out and accept that just because you do all the reaching out, it doesn't mean you're not appreciated.

          She's got a lot on her plate (five kids and no life partner to help out) so I'm thinking that just maybe she's too busy to think to be the one to initiate. Maybe email her and just tell her "When you have a free minute, sit down with a good cuppa and give me a call so we can chat and catchup." "I'd love to hear from you."

          No guilt trip there in that kind of message (unless she takes your request on as misplaced guild *shrugs*) but it does let her know that you're open and quite happy to just shoot the shit with her.

          If she can't afford the long distance phone charges then tell her to call you collect.

          In the meantime, you can still continue to call her when you long to hear from her. No?
          "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Re: Help with my daughter please

            Wow, you are walking on egg shells aren't you?

            If you're not prepared to ask her to ring you more often, the your only option is to continue doing what you're already doing - ring, leave messages and wait for her to ring you.

            What has happened between you that she ignores your calls?

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            • #7
              Re: Help with my daughter please

              It feels good to see you caring about her why don't you take a round at he place will the things will be clear..

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              • #8
                Re: Help with my daughter please

                OH really sad to hear all this!! You can ask her to share her problems with you and you both can sit together and make future plans. Make her emotionally connected to you then only she will feel like talking with you and make her realize that how much you care for her and you can’t see her like this. If possible make a trip to her place. For your concern there are so many websites available on internet which provides free counselling over these kind of emotional issues .
                Last edited by lubovstark; February 5th, 2016, 03:24 AM.

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                • #9
                  Re: Help with my daughter please

                  I feel very sorry and deeply sadden!! Give her some time and pay more attention and care. Probably events in her life would have made some changes in her!!! Give calls, leave message and do it even more frequently and wait for her call. You could probably mention that you want her to call you as well. After all she is your daughter.

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                  • #10
                    Re: Help with my daughter please

                    That's a very sad thing to hear. Probably you should give her some more time and if she keeps like this you can talk to her about how you feel being ignored. I hope she will realize it hurts you.

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