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  • Co-Worker and the Letter

    Ok, I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. So, I dated my co-worker for about a month and a half. We had a great relationship. I treated her well, we never fought or argued, and I honestly think we did have true love for that short time period. We had great physical connection as well. Anyway, she broke up with me because she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. She sent me a long breakup message saying she really cared about me, and she said we could maybe try again in the future when she's ready. We jumped into a relationship only 2 weeks after she broke up with her previous on and off boyfriend of 6 years (who was abusive). I protected her and she always said she felt safe and comfortable with me. So, I was caught off guard and was upset at first. We still were friends on Facebook for awhile and we were civil (we even ended up still exchanging Christmas gifts a few weeks after the breakup). I then kept thinking about the day she broke up with me. She told me she loved me, and then broke up with me 3 hours later. It was driving me crazy as to why she did that. I messaged her (at the advice of another co-worker) to get an answer and it didn't go so well. She ended up blocking me.

    I got pretty depressed after this cause I lost her as a friend. Then at the advice of the same co-worker (terrible advice btw) they told me to write my ex an apology letter. I was reluctant at first and said it was a bad idea but I was afraid of losing her as a friend so I hand wrote the letter (had my co-worker screen it beforehand, the letter was heartfelt and didn't demean her in any way or insult her, no begging for her back, etc). This was only 4 days after she blocked me. Anyway, my co-worker gave my ex the letter on Friday shortly before she left. Come Monday my ex went to HR about it. I don't know what her intention was but I was basically told not to talk to her unless it was work related. This was a personal letter. That was completely out of line for her to go to HR about it.

    So it's been a little over a month since that happened and she still acts like I don't exist at work. We haven't said a word to each other this whole new year. She is very immature and young (only 21). She has a best friend (also a co-worker) who is making things worse by corrupting her and putting bad thoughts in her head. I thought she would be a forgiving person but apparently she's not. Do you think she'll ever talk to me again? It's not like I treated her badly or did anything that was an unforgivable sin. But she's treating me like absolute garbage. Everyone is telling me I don't deserve this treatment. I thought I was in the wrong but clearly I'm not the one who is messed up. A lot of people are telling me that I'm wasting my time and said I'm not missing out on being friends with her. I still miss her when I'm at home but when I'm at work I'm pissed when I see her. It's been mixed feelings since she went to HR.

    Any thoughts? I don't like holding onto grudges.

  • #2
    Of course she wasnít ready to be with anyone 14 days after ending a 6 year relationship.
    What were you thinking??? You certainly werenít thinking about her but yourself?
    She would have been an emotional mess and instead of actually being there for her , you used her situation to date her.

    You were a safety net while she gathered her emotions and when she didnít need you anymore , she just didnít and discarded you.
    But donít be angry at her for that! You were well aware of her situation and you shouldnít have entertained any notion of dating her.

    You didnít have a relationship with her, you dated her for a mere 42 days.
    Why did she say I love you? It certainly wasnít meant romantically but you must know that!
    The words probably roll off her tongue easily since only a few weeks earlier she was telling someone else that.

    She likely did appreciate the distraction you did provide but it was typical rebound behaviour that again you should have been aware of and wary of.

    You messaged her and she blocked you . Why? Because up until that moment YOU pretended you were cool with not seeing her and suddenly out of nowhere , weeks later (almost as many weeks as you dated her) went cuckoo on her.

    So , at that point you were blocked. That means she does NOT want contact.
    And you disrespected that and wrote her a hand written letter.

    She was right to go to HR. Yes it was a personal letter but it was to a work colleague! HR donít give a shit about your past , they give a shit about your present and future only. And the letter is her property since you gave it to her. She can do what she likes with it.

    People at work can take sides all they like , but the bottom line is that you crossed the line with a co worker and made her feel uncomfortable in her workplace and HRís job now is to protect her.

    All I can say is , stop obsessing over someone you dated for a mere 42 days , thinking it was love and claiming to be a victim.
    Make wiser choices in future and donít date anyone who hasnít been single for at least 6 months.

    Comment


    • #3
      hoorahmiz I'm sorry about your pain.

      I'm sure you know by now that she dated you because she was on the rebound. This is a 'live and learn' painful experience for you. I'm sure you felt used as a temporary fix. Just be wise in the future, exercise discretion, be cautious and get to know a woman first as a long time friend before plunging into a relationship. Haste makes waste.

      Also, as an extra precautionary measure, it's unwise to date colleagues (co-workers) because it's extremely awkward to see them everyday, 5 days a week after a breakup. There is no escaping a relationship gone awry especially if you have to see them everyday in order to earn a paycheck. Think about what you're doing and prevent uncomfortable, awkward and despicable scenarios later!

      She's only 21 years old and immature. She hasn't grown up yet. Her impulsive nature or behavior screams lack of maturity and empathy for others. Beware and be more picky and choosy when it comes to women in the future.

      From now on, don't divulge and disclose your personal life to your colleagues. Keep your personal life private. Be careful with friends because they'll gossip behind your back, text, email, etc. at your expense. When you talk too much about your personal, private life, you do so at your own risk. Use discernment, listen to your gut instincts and intuition. Use common sense. Don't listen to your colleagues regarding writing letters and messages. Leave them out of your personal life. It's really none of their business. They don't have your best interests at heart and will dispense unwise advice. Your personal life is their entertainment. Be quiet.

      Writing an apologetic letter was a mistake. You have nothing to be sorry for. You were perceived as groveling and harassing her. You bothered and angered her. I think she could've handled it more maturely and diplomatically by being direct with you and requesting you not to bother her as opposed to contacting HR. However, you took it too far and didn't leave her alone as you should have. You should've made a clean break even though you didn't want to breakup.

      As a lesson to you, you need to be more careful with people even if you thought they wouldn't dare cross that line with you (for example, her contacting HR). Unfortunately, you need to walk on eggshells with people and err on the side of caution. It's better to do less than be a pest and do too much. You need to know boundaries with people because if you continue to test them sorely, as you can attest, it will backfire and you'll get yourself into trouble. In this case with HR, it's not worth jeopardizing your employment! Your folly is not worth losing your bread 'n butter. Stop making yourself vulnerable and ending up in hot water. You're creating hot messes for yourself which are avoidable, preventable and so unnecessary.

      Stop living in the past. She WAS your best friend while it lasted. Accept that she is no longer your friend nor wants to be your friend. You need to respect her choices and roll with it. Forget about her best friend corrupting her. These women are no longer your concern. You need to move forward in your life without them. In your mind, ignore people who are not good for you and give yourself a fresh start in life.

      They are physically with you at work day in and day out but reprogram your brain. Control your life and control yourself by changing the way you think. This new way of thinking will give you direction and teach you how to act from now on.

      You give people too much benefit of the doubt, too much credit and you sound naive. Don't ever think anyone will be forgiving types of people. They'll betray you so always be prepared not to trust so easily. People are deceitful. Always beware. Save your skin. Always protect yourself.

      Don't expect her to talk to you again. You can't do anything about her. All you can do is be the bigger person and take the higher road. Act natural, remain polite and well-mannered but keep a safe, intelligent distance permanently. Behave professionally. Keep your mouth shut and stop blabbing to everyone about your personal life. Keep it to yourself especially in this Information Age.

      Exercise caution on social media, too. Be smart.

      With people, talk about the weather. Play it safe. No one has your back except YOU. People back stab. Be more careful and cautious. Be shrewd and prudent.

      It's easy to hold grudges but it is mentally and physically unhealthy for you. Learn to forgive but forgive doesn't mean condone nor forget. Forgive means not to hold grudges, not to wish ill will upon those who've wronged you and forgive means you need to move forward with your life, start anew and be kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up about the past. I'm sorry you have to face her as your colleague. All you can do is act like an employee and be a peaceful person. Don't get personal and don't get close. Enforce healthy boundaries with others. Remain civil.

      You can't change the past or people. All you can do is readjust yourself, change your attitude, change your behavior, change the way you think and change your trajectory in life. Do a reset and start over. Be self confident, self assured and carry on. Don't allow bad experiences to get the best of you. I'm sorry about your pain and depression. You'll get through this. Chin up, hold your head high and get a wake up call. Consider this a harsh, hard learning experience, wisdom gained and you'll know how to navigate your life and relationships intelligently from this day forward. Think positively and you'll be alright. Hang in there. This too shall pass.


      "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

      Comment


      • #4
        It sounds like you were ready and eager for a relationship but didn't stop to think where she may be coming from on her side of things. She had just gotten out of a long, abusive relationship. Yes, you made her feel safe and that's wonderful but any man who doesn't treat her like garbage is likely to make her feel that way after six years of what she probably endured. I think your intentions were pure but you didn't stop to take a moment and consider the bigger picture. As another person said, it was only 14 days between her leaving that abusive ex and getting with you. That's a major red flag. She also said she loved you after just over a month. That's another red flag. On top of that, she broke up with you that same day. Another red flag (who has such a massive change of mind so suddenly?).

        It sounds like you've made quite a strong attachment to someone you were only dating for a month a half. That's your own red flag. Why are you allowing yourself to feel such strong emotions for someone so early? And to completely dismiss the fact that she was clearly in a vulnerable and difficult point in her life when getting into another relationship would not be in her best interests, as you'd only be a rebound?

        I'd chalk it up to a lesson learnt and let it go. Don't hold a grudge against her for this. She was in a shitty place post-abusive-ex. She was vulnerable and needed some comfort and probably didn't really know what she was doing.
        Move on and grow from it.

        Comment


        • #5
          Why are you posting this again? You were a rebound and a distraction from a hard break up. You probably never meant anything to her, especially judging by the way she is treating you now. Let it go and move on. And NEVER take any advise from that coworker of yours again.
          I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by tigerkitty View Post
            It sounds like you were ready and eager for a relationship but didn't stop to think where she may be coming from on her side of things. She had just gotten out of a long, abusive relationship. Yes, you made her feel safe and that's wonderful but any man who doesn't treat her like garbage is likely to make her feel that way after six years of what she probably endured. I think your intentions were pure but you didn't stop to take a moment and consider the bigger picture. As another person said, it was only 14 days between her leaving that abusive ex and getting with you. That's a major red flag. She also said she loved you after just over a month. That's another red flag. On top of that, she broke up with you that same day. Another red flag (who has such a massive change of mind so suddenly?).

            It sounds like you've made quite a strong attachment to someone you were only dating for a month a half. That's your own red flag. Why are you allowing yourself to feel such strong emotions for someone so early? And to completely dismiss the fact that she was clearly in a vulnerable and difficult point in her life when getting into another relationship would not be in her best interests, as you'd only be a rebound?

            I'd chalk it up to a lesson learnt and let it go. Don't hold a grudge against her for this. She was in a shitty place post-abusive-ex. She was vulnerable and needed some comfort and probably didn't really know what she was doing.
            Move on and grow from it.
            The thing is I DON'T want to hold onto a grudge with her for any of this (including the HR incident, I'm still pissed right now but I'll get over it soon). I mean, I learned my lesson. I realized I was used, I was just a rebound. I was just really into her and I was completely oblivious to the fact I was a rebound because I believed everything she was telling me including that she was ready for a relationship. I was just that stupid. But, you're saying to not hold a grudge but why is SHE holding onto a grudge with me? True, I didn't give her the personal space she needed but you say and do stupid shit when you're heartbroken (which I apologized for). I know it sounds silly and she may have not truly loved me but I did truly love her. You can fall in love with someone in a short period of time. It is possible and it does happen. I'm the kind of person that falls fast for people and I can't help it. I need to learn not to do that because it doesn't get me anywhere.

            Out of all my previous relationships I thought this one was different. No one ever made me feel more confident than she did when we were together. But all of you are right. I'm wasting my time with someone that wants nothing to do with me anymore. In the end she lost a good person in her life. We were both wrong in things we've done to each other. She lied to me multiple times, and I was guilt tripping her for breaking up with me.

            And to the person who said I just used her situation to date her is completely wrong and I'm taking offense to that. You don't know the details of what happened before we got into a relationship. She had a crush on me for a long while as well but couldn't do anything about it because she was afraid to leave her ex-boyfriend (fearing he would do something harmful to her or himself, he threatened suicide if she tried to leave him). It wasn't that I was the first guy to move in and she was just interested just because I was the first guy to be nice to her. She was legit interested in me too. I just wanted to tell you the facts because that was a very inaccurate statement that you made.

            And I was there for her after the initial breakup. I made no mention of wanting to be with her soon after or anything (or when the breakup was about to happen). I was respectful and we would talk at night anywhere from 4 to 6 hours after work. Sometimes all days on weekends until we finally hung out with each other. But things happened, we had a connection and then the relationship happened. Despite what you think, it was not my intention to move in when she was emotionally vulnerable. I really did care about her as a person and was being a friend to her first.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by hoorahmiz View Post

              The thing is I DON'T want to hold onto a grudge with her for any of this (including the HR incident, I'm still pissed right now but I'll get over it soon). I mean, I learned my lesson. I realized I was used, I was just a rebound. I was just really into her and I was completely oblivious to the fact I was a rebound because I believed everything she was telling me including that she was ready for a relationship. I was just that stupid. But, you're saying to not hold a grudge but why is SHE holding onto a grudge with me? True, I didn't give her the personal space she needed but you say and do stupid shit when you're heartbroken (which I apologized for). I know it sounds silly and she may have not truly loved me but I did truly love her. You can fall in love with someone in a short period of time. It is possible and it does happen. I'm the kind of person that falls fast for people and I can't help it. I need to learn not to do that because it doesn't get me anywhere.

              You were NOT heartbroken. You were pissed off. Only!
              She isnít holding any grudges. She ended it and remained civil etc. She is creeped out by you that you wouldnít accept that she ended your 42 day fling.

              Out of all my previous relationships I thought this one was different. No one ever made me feel more confident than she did when we were together. But all of you are right. I'm wasting my time with someone that wants nothing to do with me anymore. In the end she lost a good person in her life. We were both wrong in things we've done to each other. She lied to me multiple times, and I was guilt tripping her for breaking up with me.

              Anyone on the Rebound gives their all in order to receive the same treatment back to make them self feel better about them self until they can move on . And often thatís with someone they wouldnít normally go for, who has been somewhat sympathetic.

              And to the person who said I just used her situation to date her is completely wrong and I'm taking offense to that. You don't know the details of what happened before we got into a relationship. She had a crush on me for a long while as well but couldn't do anything about it because she was afraid to leave her ex-boyfriend (fearing he would do something harmful to her or himself, he threatened suicide if she tried to leave him). It wasn't that I was the first guy to move in and she was just interested just because I was the first guy to be nice to her. She was legit interested in me too. I just wanted to tell you the facts because that was a very inaccurate statement that you made.

              it was me that said you used her situation to date her and I stand by that. She didnít have a crush on you. She just sought male attention outside of her relationship to feel justified .
              The fact that YOU knew her bf made suicide threats should have made YOU more wary.
              Every other guy had the sense not to go there.

              And I was there for her after the initial breakup. I made no mention of wanting to be with her soon after or anything (or when the breakup was about to happen). I was respectful and we would talk at night anywhere from 4 to 6 hours after work. Sometimes all days on weekends until we finally hung out with each other. But things happened, we had a connection and then the relationship happened. Despite what you think, it was not my intention to move in when she was emotionally vulnerable. I really did care about her as a person and was being a friend to her first

              Why would YOU spend 4-6 hours everynight after work talking to a work colleague that was simply going through a break up?
              Most colleagues just lend an ear at work during lunch break. .
              Iím not surprised she wants nothing to do with you. Sorry!

              Comment


              • #8
                She did have a crush on me. Want me to screenshot the texts to prove it hotshot? It came out of her mouth. In person and through text. She was also hiding and blushing every single time I talked to her for a while or if other people mentioned my name. I know when someone is crushing on me so don't even try to convince me otherwise.

                You're just being an asshole cause it's cool to do that behind a computer screen. Plain and simple. I'm trying to get advice on here and get over all of this. Not to be crucified like I'm a scumbag person.

                We were getting to know each other (which she said she always wanted to do). Hence, why we were talking for long periods of time. It wasn't just about her relationship. In fact none of it was until it was close to time to breaking up with him.

                Don't act like you know anything about me as a person.
                Last edited by hoorahmiz; February 10th, 2019, 04:08 AM.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by hoorahmiz View Post
                  She did have a crush on me. Want me to screenshot the texts to prove it hotshot? It came out of her mouth. In person and through text. She was also hiding and blushing every single time I talked to her for a while or if other people mentioned my name. I know when someone is crushing on me so don't even try to convince me otherwise.

                  You're just being an asshole cause it's cool to do that behind a computer screen. Plain and simple. I'm trying to get advice on here and get over all of this. Not to be crucified like I'm a scumbag person.

                  We were getting to know each other (which she said she always wanted to do). Hence, why we were talking for long periods of time. It wasn't just about her relationship. In fact none of it was until it was close to time to breaking up with him.

                  Don't act like you know anything about me as a person.
                  You were talking to a girl for 4-6 hrs a day , not about her failing relationship but in attempt to get to know her better???
                  Geez this is getting worse!

                  Im not the asshole here. You are. You intentionally chatted to another guys gf. And then expected her to be a perfect gf to you???

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by hoorahmiz View Post
                    She did have a crush on me. Want me to screenshot the texts to prove it hotshot? It came out of her mouth. In person and through text. She was also hiding and blushing every single time I talked to her for a while or if other people mentioned my name. I know when someone is crushing on me so don't even try to convince me otherwise.

                    You're just being an asshole cause it's cool to do that behind a computer screen. Plain and simple. I'm trying to get advice on here and get over all of this. Not to be crucified like I'm a scumbag person.

                    We were getting to know each other (which she said she always wanted to do). Hence, why we were talking for long periods of time. It wasn't just about her relationship. In fact none of it was until it was close to time to breaking up with him.

                    Don't act like you know anything about me as a person.
                    There is absolutely no call for being so rude. Who cares if she had a crush on you. She doesn't now! She wants nothing to do with you. Let it go. I'm sorry if you can't handle the truth.
                    I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by hoorahmiz View Post
                      She did have a crush on me. Want me to screenshot the texts to prove it hotshot? It came out of her mouth. In person and through text. She was also hiding and blushing every single time I talked to her for a while or if other people mentioned my name. I know when someone is crushing on me so don't even try to convince me otherwise.

                      You're just being an asshole cause it's cool to do that behind a computer screen. Plain and simple. I'm trying to get advice on here and get over all of this. Not to be crucified like I'm a scumbag person.

                      We were getting to know each other (which she said she always wanted to do). Hence, why we were talking for long periods of time. It wasn't just about her relationship. In fact none of it was until it was close to time to breaking up with him.

                      Don't act like you know anything about me as a person.
                      Try not to take it personally. Some members on here seem to enjoy thinking they know it all about a situation or relationship they were not in and love to kick someone when they're down.
                      I was called emotionally manipulative and abusive when asking for insight into the way my ex had been treating me. I'd ignore and move on.
                      I'm sorry that the relationship hasn't worked out. I'm not sure why she's holding a grudge, perhaps she is more offended and annoyed by your attempts to get back in contact that you'd have thought. It sucks but it sounds like it's for the best.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by tigerkitty View Post

                        Try not to take it personally. Some members on here seem to enjoy thinking they know it all about a situation or relationship they were not in and love to kick someone when they're down.
                        I was called emotionally manipulative and abusive when asking for insight into the way my ex had been treating me. I'd ignore and move on.
                        I'm sorry that the relationship hasn't worked out. I'm not sure why she's holding a grudge, perhaps she is more offended and annoyed by your attempts to get back in contact that you'd have thought. It sucks but it sounds like it's for the best.
                        And some members canít accept that the replies are not what they wanted to hear and get on the defence.
                        To me thatís someone coming here not for perspective but rather for justification.

                        Its not about kicking someone when they are down. Itís about an unbiased perspective to the poster who canít clarify for them self because of their emotional involvement.
                        I would refer to it as a wake up call.

                        I didnt call you an emotionally manipulative and abusive person (full stop)
                        What I did say was that you were manipulating your ex and emotionally abusing your ex.
                        And thatís why I asked IF you treat all your friends that way. You ignored my question though.

                        And for the record IF you said you only treat HIM this way then the obvious answer would be to cut him out. He is bad for you not because he is a bad guy or abusive but because of incompatibility it causes YOU to act out of character.

                        I hope one day you will realise that replies you receive are there to help you not kick you.

                        I realise when when one is emotionally entangled , itís hard to receive. But you must at least try.
                        Best of luck!
                        Last edited by Maggiemay4791; February 11th, 2019, 05:44 AM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by tigerkitty View Post

                          Try not to take it personally. Some members on here seem to enjoy thinking they know it all about a situation or relationship they were not in and love to kick someone when they're down.
                          I was called emotionally manipulative and abusive when asking for insight into the way my ex had been treating me. I'd ignore and move on.
                          I'm sorry that the relationship hasn't worked out. I'm not sure why she's holding a grudge, perhaps she is more offended and annoyed by your attempts to get back in contact that you'd have thought. It sucks but it sounds like it's for the best.

                          tigerkitty don't come to a forum asking for opinions and advice if you cant handle the truth. We gave you what you asked for, our honest opinions on what we see from both yours and your ex's behaviors (same with op here who became defensive like you when we highlighted on his behavior). Hoorahmiz has posted this before and it seems he cannot accept that the girl he likes no longer wants anything to do with him. He made the mistake of taking bad advise from a friend and it cost him.
                          I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            She has a best friend (also a co-worker) who is making things worse
                            Well, your coworker friend is just as bad. Stop being immature and talking to others about your broken relationship. This is all going on in your workplace for goodness sakes.

                            Clearly she does not want you harassing her in anyway so just stop trying to put yourself in her life (in any way) and just do your job.

                            I thought I was in the wrong but clearly I'm not the one who is messed up.
                            Think again. You are both a little bent.

                            You've been advised clearly by your HR department to only talk to her if its about work so be smart and do that or you'll find yourself fired.

                            You'll be fine just learn to be more discrete and leave letter writing to convicts and their groupies.
                            Last edited by phasesofthemoon; February 11th, 2019, 07:53 PM.
                            "First off, welcome to the Relationship Forums, You'll come to understand that I don't pull any punches when giving my opinion/advice and I hope you're not so sensitive to what I see as the truth of the matter." Me!

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