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  • #16
    Originally posted by ShareHope View Post
    Hi, I would have said more but a lot has been said. I hear your pain and your hurt. I hear how hard this has been. I am sorry. I applaud you for being so honest, for your willingness to be open and vulnerable. Let me share this with you. Whether a relationship is friends, parthers, siblings, etc., it always needs a foundation of love and respect. It is never OK to attack a person or say things that are hurtful, insensitive or unloving. There is a way to speak the truth. You need to ask yourself if this relationship is healthy for you at this time in your life. If you think it is, it is up to you to communicate with each other about the problems and see if you can resolve them. You both have to be willing to listen to each other and be willing to see the other person's points.....and decide if those points are valid and points that you should own. If this is not a healthy relationship, it may be time to let this go. If you spend a lot of days feeling bad about the friendship and feeling bad about yourself, it may not be what is good for you. You might want to talk to a counselor and start to work through the pain and confusion you carry. You want to be able to heal from the pain and also learn from this.....no matter the outcome of your relationship with him. Always weigh a relationship against LOVE and RESPECT.....it tells a lot about the other person and it tells you a lot about yourself. If a relationship does not have these two things as a foundation, it can easily crumble. I wish you well.
    Hey there! I appreciate you taking the time to read this and offering me your insight. I for sure need to work on a bunch of my own problems, and perhaps a counsellor would be a good option for me.
    I completely agree that it is never okay to say hurtful, insensitive or unloving things to somebody close to you. I think I've spent far too much time waiting for him to realise that too and to agree to work together on it.
    I'll keep your words in mind for the future, thank you so much.

    Comment


    • #17
      I would say you are both abusive to be honest. He is a complete asshole and speaks to you like shit, so why are you so desperate to be around him and gain his approval? Why the hell would anyone want to be around a man like that? You are emotionally manipulative toward him. Constantly getting upset and constantly complaining about things he does even though its not your concern anymore. He sounds frustrated with your constant crying. You just really need to get away from each other and you need to get a grip and stop revolving your life around him.
      Last edited by Dazed & Confused; February 9th, 2019, 04:33 PM.
      I say it as I see it. Don't take it personally!

      Comment


      • #18

        tigerkitty Empathy makes or breaks all relationships whether it's family (relatives / in-laws), friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, acquaintances, colleagues, everyone on the face of this planet. Without empathy, all relationships are doomed for failure.

        I've noticed those who lack empathy carry a lot of baggage, many times to no fault of their own. A lot of people hail from dysfunctional, painful, abused pasts whether physical, mental or both. Many people were raised without empathy and cannot be what they do not know which means they're certainly not going to treat your right. You cannot bend people to your will by expecting them to be compassionate and caring because no one was compassionate and caring when they needed it in their past. Many people who were abused and neglected continue this harsh vicious cycle toward others. Meanness begets more meanness. Welcome to the real world. Hurt people hurt others.

        Meanness comes from deep seeded pain. Remember that.

        Or, there are some people who had normal upbringings but eventually faced cruelty and unfortunately, became tainted by bad influential people. I've known once innocent people transform into wolves in sheep's clothing. After being abused so badly (for example, a cruel husband), they became deceitful, betrayed trust, vicious with their words to you (verbal and written), use people for their own gains and turned evil. They became worldly in a very bad way. This world is full of them.

        If no one felt for them, surely, you can't expect them to feel for you. It's the way it is.

        Beware of masters at gaslighting. You'll never win in a million years. The only way for you to win for yourself is to exit the relationship. If you can't, you can remain civil yet keep a safe distance always. Be wary and it's good to be jaded because you'll err on the side of caution permanently.

        Don't trust people who are inconsistent with their behavior. If you toe the line and play by their rules, all is peaceful. Should you speak up if something is wrong with this picture, it's off with your head. Stay away from people who don't ring true to you because they only know how to grow hot and cold on you at their whim or if they happen to be in a good or foul mood that day. If you notice anyone is off, stay away, faraway for your own protection.

        I was once you. I had great difficulty moving on after losing a best friend. This friend just so happened to be my cousin whom I grew up with. We were very close as children and during young adulthood. I always felt nostalgic. She changed due to her hard life's circumstances and her husband is so cruel to this day. She was a sweet lamb once but had since changed into a very worldly, cold person. She had become tainted courtesy of her cruel husband. She became her husband, very manipulative, corrupt, calculating and knifing, a real sociopath. Monkey see monkey do. When people change they take out their anger and frustrations onto you and you become their verbal punching bag. Anything can set them off and you're left walking on eggshells in order to try to prevent their ire. Or, you fall victim into their entrapment which will give you pure living hell.

        We parted ways because I caught onto her scheming with using family members (my sons) in order to meet her own ends. She nurtured relationships under the guise of 'hospitality' and 'family' in anticipation that they would help her with caregiver duties for her ailing, aging husband afflicted with life threatening autoimmune diseases. I gave her the ax. This wise 'Mama Bear' chased her off.

        Like you, I mourned the loss of a once dear friendship. I had compassion, gave her lots of money, gifts and gave her my blood, sweat and tears. It's not good enough for those who have rotten lives with no way out. Some people will drain you, take advantage of your good, naive heart, take you for granted and use you endlessly as long as you're foolish enough to hang on. You become a sucker until the light bulb in your brain finally turns on and you become smart by getting out.

        Now that I look back with self reflection, the reason why I longed and yearned to rekindle my friendship with her was because I had little self worth, very low self esteem and lacked self confidence. I really mourned over my loss because I felt I deserved her scathing gaslighting words and I actually felt brainwashed into thinking this was all I deserved. Bad people will convince you that there is something wrong with you, not them. Catch onto their gaslighting. It's the oldest trick in the book.

        Then one day, I had a wake up call. Logic and reason hit me on the head. Like me, you'll suddenly realize and educate yourself that normal relationships come from a good heart in the first place. It's not only a matter of self control. If self control is required, there is something wrong with that person because self control is needed for a volatile temperament in the first place. A good heart comes from a good mind, a conscientious mind and a moral mind filled with long instilled values such as treating others with dignity, honor, respect and common sense. You suddenly put people into several camps or groups in your mind. There are a few good people and you need to avoid those who are mentally unhealthy for you. There are more bad people on this Earth than good people so know this.

        You're still young at age 28. It's important to work on yourself to build your self confidence and self esteem. Focus on yourself. Don't place importance on others and don't feel that other people are needed to make you feel whole and complete. Be your own person. Do what you enjoy, take good care of your health and have an independent mind. Change the way you think. Then you won't feel insecure anymore. You'll attract those who are similar to you regarding what's important to you, people who know how to be moral, conscientious, respectful, kind and share your values (what's important in life).

        Keep in mind, it's not normal to fight. Be with those who know how to be harmonious, peaceful types and be with those who know how to seek resolutions in a calm, unemotional, mature, (non-shouting) manner. Be more picky and choosy regarding the company you keep no matter who they are. Educate yourself and remind yourself to be with normal people.

        Abnormal people cannot be changed according to your will. Be civil but don't be chummy. Change the way you think because this is what will make you a secure, self confident person. Give yourself high self esteem and tell yourself you deserve to be treated with respect. If people won't and can't treat you with respect, they should be out of your life. There are no ands, ifs or buts about this. Be absolute and you'll train yourself to become intelligent and astute. Become a good read of people and have your radar up. This is how you will navigate your life with prudence.
        "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

        Comment


        • #19
          Originally posted by tigerkitty View Post

          You're right, I think I do seek acceptance from him. I don't think I ever got it during our relationship and I have some lingering resentment about that now that it's over. Our relationship felt very neglectful in an emotional/affectionate aspect.
          We have no shared assets, we live far apart now. I don't have really any other sources of support (complications with family relations) which I think makes it so hard to move on. Moving on means being alone. I know that isn't an acceptable way to think though. I appreciate your insight. Thank you!
          Don't take this the wrong way... you did ask for opinions about his behaviour and your behaviour, not feedback on what you should do with this person so I'll tell it to you straight this second time around (second post):
          I think you're emotionally manipulative, insecure and afraid of being alone.
          I know...I was there. For different reasons from you, I had felt like I didn't deserve happiness and people around me made me feel like I deserved to be alone and that's why I tried hard not to be alone. In turn, that made me insecure and want to be around people that weren't good for me. Situations get very murky and confusing very fast if you're not able to work through your own insecurities. You have to work through those to stop being emotionally manipulative and a real life sucking leech because unfortunately that's what you look like or sound like. Again I am not saying this to hurt you. You really should get a move on and by that I don't mean spontaneously making new friends, doing a spring cleaning, throwing all his nonsense out on the street etc. It has to come internally and in your perspective and the way you see yourself. If you don't think you deserve better, you're never going to get anything better than this steaming pile of horseshit for a friendship.

          As for him, I think he's just fed up with the way you behave. It's unbecoming of an adult to behave this way and I think both of you are probably expecting more out of each other which is fair. You do have a right to walk away from messes that cannot be reversed. That you choose not to is on you and if you continue to behave the way you do, it's on you. If you continue to have horseshit for friendships, that's also on you. Your situation is tied to you. Your relationships are tied to you. The way you behave towards other people is tied to you. The way others behave towards you is tied to you. You have to accept that and make changes in yourself or nothing will change at all and you'll always keep coming back to ask this same question in the thread header.

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by tigerkitty View Post
            "My expectations"? I think showing compassion, kindness and sympathy in times of need are everybody's expectations of their friends.

            You seem to be confused. This thread is asking people for advice on whether this guy was abusive or not. It is not asking whether I should move on or remain his friend.
            Iím not confused at all. Iím viewing your post from an unbiased position.

            And my take on it is that you are manipulative and emotionally abusing your ex.

            You are the one emotionally entangled in this mess and therefore you are the one confused and seeking advice right?

            So no you didnít ask should you move on or remain his friend , however advice would be that you do irrespective of the initial question.
            For both yours and his benefit.

            Is he abusive towards you ? Imo NO!
            Are you abusive towards him? Imo YES!

            Comment


            • #21
              Originally posted by chanelle View Post
              tigerkitty Empathy makes or breaks all relationships whether it's family (relatives / in-laws), friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, spouses, acquaintances, colleagues, everyone on the face of this planet. Without empathy, all relationships are doomed for failure.

              I've noticed those who lack empathy carry a lot of baggage, many times to no fault of their own. A lot of people hail from dysfunctional, painful, abused pasts whether physical, mental or both. Many people were raised without empathy and cannot be what they do not know which means they're certainly not going to treat your right. You cannot bend people to your will by expecting them to be compassionate and caring because no one was compassionate and caring when they needed it in their past. Many people who were abused and neglected continue this harsh vicious cycle toward others. Meanness begets more meanness. Welcome to the real world. Hurt people hurt others.

              Meanness comes from deep seeded pain. Remember that.

              Or, there are some people who had normal upbringings but eventually faced cruelty and unfortunately, became tainted by bad influential people. I've known once innocent people transform into wolves in sheep's clothing. After being abused so badly (for example, a cruel husband), they became deceitful, betrayed trust, vicious with their words to you (verbal and written), use people for their own gains and turned evil. They became worldly in a very bad way. This world is full of them.

              If no one felt for them, surely, you can't expect them to feel for you. It's the way it is.

              Beware of masters at gaslighting. You'll never win in a million years. The only way for you to win for yourself is to exit the relationship. If you can't, you can remain civil yet keep a safe distance always. Be wary and it's good to be jaded because you'll err on the side of caution permanently.

              Don't trust people who are inconsistent with their behavior. If you toe the line and play by their rules, all is peaceful. Should you speak up if something is wrong with this picture, it's off with your head. Stay away from people who don't ring true to you because they only know how to grow hot and cold on you at their whim or if they happen to be in a good or foul mood that day. If you notice anyone is off, stay away, faraway for your own protection.

              I was once you. I had great difficulty moving on after losing a best friend. This friend just so happened to be my cousin whom I grew up with. We were very close as children and during young adulthood. I always felt nostalgic. She changed due to her hard life's circumstances and her husband is so cruel to this day. She was a sweet lamb once but had since changed into a very worldly, cold person. She had become tainted courtesy of her cruel husband. She became her husband, very manipulative, corrupt, calculating and knifing, a real sociopath. Monkey see monkey do. When people change they take out their anger and frustrations onto you and you become their verbal punching bag. Anything can set them off and you're left walking on eggshells in order to try to prevent their ire. Or, you fall victim into their entrapment which will give you pure living hell.

              We parted ways because I caught onto her scheming with using family members (my sons) in order to meet her own ends. She nurtured relationships under the guise of 'hospitality' and 'family' in anticipation that they would help her with caregiver duties for her ailing, aging husband afflicted with life threatening autoimmune diseases. I gave her the ax. This wise 'Mama Bear' chased her off.

              Like you, I mourned the loss of a once dear friendship. I had compassion, gave her lots of money, gifts and gave her my blood, sweat and tears. It's not good enough for those who have rotten lives with no way out. Some people will drain you, take advantage of your good, naive heart, take you for granted and use you endlessly as long as you're foolish enough to hang on. You become a sucker until the light bulb in your brain finally turns on and you become smart by getting out.

              Now that I look back with self reflection, the reason why I longed and yearned to rekindle my friendship with her was because I had little self worth, very low self esteem and lacked self confidence. I really mourned over my loss because I felt I deserved her scathing gaslighting words and I actually felt brainwashed into thinking this was all I deserved. Bad people will convince you that there is something wrong with you, not them. Catch onto their gaslighting. It's the oldest trick in the book.

              Then one day, I had a wake up call. Logic and reason hit me on the head. Like me, you'll suddenly realize and educate yourself that normal relationships come from a good heart in the first place. It's not only a matter of self control. If self control is required, there is something wrong with that person because self control is needed for a volatile temperament in the first place. A good heart comes from a good mind, a conscientious mind and a moral mind filled with long instilled values such as treating others with dignity, honor, respect and common sense. You suddenly put people into several camps or groups in your mind. There are a few good people and you need to avoid those who are mentally unhealthy for you. There are more bad people on this Earth than good people so know this.

              You're still young at age 28. It's important to work on yourself to build your self confidence and self esteem. Focus on yourself. Don't place importance on others and don't feel that other people are needed to make you feel whole and complete. Be your own person. Do what you enjoy, take good care of your health and have an independent mind. Change the way you think. Then you won't feel insecure anymore. You'll attract those who are similar to you regarding what's important to you, people who know how to be moral, conscientious, respectful, kind and share your values (what's important in life).

              Keep in mind, it's not normal to fight. Be with those who know how to be harmonious, peaceful types and be with those who know how to seek resolutions in a calm, unemotional, mature, (non-shouting) manner. Be more picky and choosy regarding the company you keep no matter who they are. Educate yourself and remind yourself to be with normal people.

              Abnormal people cannot be changed according to your will. Be civil but don't be chummy. Change the way you think because this is what will make you a secure, self confident person. Give yourself high self esteem and tell yourself you deserve to be treated with respect. If people won't and can't treat you with respect, they should be out of your life. There are no ands, ifs or buts about this. Be absolute and you'll train yourself to become intelligent and astute. Become a good read of people and have your radar up. This is how you will navigate your life with prudence.
              I'm really sorry that you went through that with your cousin. The closest person to me at the moment is my cousin and she's recently entered into a relationship with someone that I don't think is very good for her and she's changing a lot, so to some small extent I can somewhat understand what you're talking about. I appreciate all of your advice and wise words! I'm definitely not looking for any new relationships for the foreseeable future, until I can solve my own stuff out! I've realised recently that just because you like someone and they like you doesn't mean that you're compatible, or that you should necessarily be in a relationship.

              I'm glad that you're in a better place after that mess with your cousin. Good on you for standing up for yourself. Thanks for sharing your story!

              Comment


              • #22
                tigerkitty Thank you for your kind words. I hope your cousin-ship will endure for the rest of your life. It's the way it should be. Just be careful with having relationships with people cousin or not who have a lot of problems because many times, they are energy vampires. Google "energy vampire." People with insurmountable problems will drain you. Always enforce healthy boundaries with others. Learn to protect yourself.

                Take it slow with any and all future relationships and don't rush into them. Before even contemplating that, be your own person. Be the best you can be and you'll attract someone just like you, someone caring, kind, considerate, unselfish, respectful and a person who knows how to behave like a decent human being.

                Don't be afraid to be very picky and choosy. Never settle for those who don't check all the boxes on your checklist. Aim high. Don't settle for the undesirables.
                "If you bungle raising your children, whatever else you do well in life doesn't matter very much."

                Comment


                • #23
                  Originally posted by Maggiemay4791 View Post
                  Toughen up princess!

                  You get mad at him when he doesnít reply to texts.
                  You get angry and hurt when he posts pictures of him and his friends on social media. He IS allowed to change his mind re what he shares on there and itís none of your business never mind something to be upset over.

                  Do you treat all your friends this way? Or just him?

                  So what if he said you should go to the gym more?
                  If you think you should then agree with him, if you are confident in your body then shrug it off.
                  But why sulk? Whatís the point of that?

                  And so what if he prefers thinner girls? He is single and has a right to go for what he wants. As do you.

                  But aside from all that , you donít like the guy, you dramatise a lot which he canít tolerate (and I donít blame him , I couldnít either) ,
                  so why do YOU want him as a friend?
                  I feel the need to counter your posts just because I feel like you're going to cause damage to this person. Accusing the OP of emotional abuse is going to cause more harm. There are unhealthy ways to respond to abuse, including reactive abuse, so even if the OP is "abusing back" it doesn't mean the situation is as black and white/cut and dry as you're making out.

                  She isn't just getting mad at him when he doesn't reply quick enough. He is evidently ignoring her messages for several hours, sometimes days. This isn't healthy relationship communication and it's perfectly okay for the OP to have brought this up as a discussion point. But people who pull the silent treatment card are not in the habit of communicating healthily themselves, and therefore will spark arguments when discussions about this behaviour and brought up. Secondly, he essentially told her to keep their relationship a secret online under the guise of being a private person, and then completely contradicts himself with other people. Again, he's allowed to do that, but OP is allowed to ask why. OP is allowed to be hurt by this. I certainly would be a little hurt and want to talk about it. Any normal person would be mortified at having upset OP/their partner and explain calmly their position, instead he has resorted straight to belittling and berating her - this is not healthy and it is understandable why OP would become more unreasonable/upset/frustrated. Partners of abusive people often resort to unhealthy habits because interacting healthily with an abusive person is practically impossible. The ONLY healthy way to interact with an abusive person is not to bother at all.

                  It's not a matter of "being confident with your body". If my partner says to me "yeah you should go to the gym more because I prefer skinnier girls". Yeah that's his opinion, yeah he's allowed to think that, no it isn't a very nice thing to say. Why would you say it if not to harm? The whole point of emotional abuse is that it is subversive enough to be excused, minimized and denied if the abuser is confronted. If you ask your partner, "do you prefer skinny girls?" or "should I go to the gym more?" then perhaps you should think more carefully about whether or not you want to hear the truthful answers, but him volunteering that information was purely to undermine OPs self esteem and confidence. It might well have been said when they were just friends, but friends can emotionally abuse us too.

                  Furthermore, "choosing" to have people in our life who hurt us is not creating drama or deliberate. There are a multitude of complex reasons we keep people in our lives who are very unhealthy for us, and letting go of them can be an extremely difficult and scary thing to do. There is a reason that people will stay with partners who have literally attempted to kill them. Asserting that it is as simple as just removing drama from your life is drastically undermining the problem. Most of the time, asking the question, "is this abuse?" is very difficult, and it is very hard for people to believe they don't deserve it in some way. The OP has made leaps and bounds in realising they do not deserve this from a friend, let alone a romantic partner.

                  Originally posted by Dazed & Confused View Post
                  I would say you are both abusive to be honest. He is a complete asshole and speaks to you like shit, so why are you so desperate to be around him and gain his approval? Why the hell would anyone want to be around a man like that? You are emotionally manipulative toward him. Constantly getting upset and constantly complaining about things he does even though its not your concern anymore. He sounds frustrated with your constant crying. You just really need to get away from each other and you need to get a grip and stop revolving your life around him.
                  The very reason that people become targets of abuse is because they withstand/tolerate being mistrated and even seek approval from them. It is a very addictive idea that we are fed from a young age, that if you just show someone love, they can be healed. It is not emotionally manipulative to be upset at being mistreated and saying so. It is not emotionally manipulative to complain about being mistreated. THAT way of thinking is a recipe for abuse. We are allowed to protest the awful ways we have been treated.

                  It is not OPs fault. But OP is responsible now for cutting this person out of their lives and moving forward
                  Last edited by Reese; February 11th, 2019, 09:26 AM.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Reese View Post

                    I feel the need to counter your posts just because I feel like you're going to cause damage to this person. Accusing the OP of emotional abuse is going to cause more harm. There are unhealthy ways to respond to abuse, including reactive abuse, so even if the OP is "abusing back" it doesn't mean the situation is as black and white/cut and dry as you're making out.

                    She isn't just getting mad at him when he doesn't reply quick enough. He is evidently ignoring her messages for several hours, sometimes days. This isn't healthy relationship communication and it's perfectly okay for the OP to have brought this up as a discussion point. But people who pull the silent treatment card are not in the habit of communicating healthily themselves, and therefore will spark arguments when discussions about this behaviour and brought up. Secondly, he essentially told her to keep their relationship a secret online under the guise of being a private person, and then completely contradicts himself with other people. Again, he's allowed to do that, but OP is allowed to ask why. OP is allowed to be hurt by this. I certainly would be a little hurt and want to talk about it. Any normal person would be mortified at having upset OP/their partner and explain calmly their position, instead he has resorted straight to belittling and berating her - this is not healthy and it is understandable why OP would become more unreasonable/upset/frustrated. Partners of abusive people often resort to unhealthy habits because interacting healthily with an abusive person is practically impossible. The ONLY healthy way to interact with an abusive person is not to bother at all.

                    It's not a matter of "being confident with your body". If my partner says to me "yeah you should go to the gym more because I prefer skinnier girls". Yeah that's his opinion, yeah he's allowed to think that, no it isn't a very nice thing to say. Why would you say it if not to harm? The whole point of emotional abuse is that it is subversive enough to be excused, minimized and denied if the abuser is confronted. If you ask your partner, "do you prefer skinny girls?" or "should I go to the gym more?" then perhaps you should think more carefully about whether or not you want to hear the truthful answers, but him volunteering that information was purely to undermine OPs self esteem and confidence. It might well have been said when they were just friends, but friends can emotionally abuse us too.

                    Furthermore, "choosing" to have people in our life who hurt us is not creating drama or deliberate. There are a multitude of complex reasons we keep people in our lives who are very unhealthy for us, and letting go of them can be an extremely difficult and scary thing to do. There is a reason that people will stay with partners who have literally attempted to kill them. Asserting that it is as simple as just removing drama from your life is drastically undermining the problem. Most of the time, asking the question, "is this abuse?" is very difficult, and it is very hard for people to believe they don't deserve it in some way. The OP has made leaps and bounds in realising they do not deserve this from a friend, let alone a romantic partner.



                    The very reason that people become targets of abuse is because they withstand/tolerate being mistrated and even seek approval from them. It is a very addictive idea that we are fed from a young age, that if you just show someone love, they can be healed. It is not emotionally manipulative to be upset at being mistreated and saying so. It is not emotionally manipulative to complain about being mistreated. THAT way of thinking is a recipe for abuse. We are allowed to protest the awful ways we have been treated.

                    It is not OPs fault. But OP is responsible now for cutting this person out of their lives and moving forward
                    They are no longer a couple ! They parted ways months ago.
                    If she was still in a relationship, my reply might even be similar to yours!

                    But I believe you are failing to read between the lines.

                    He didnt respond re her ďupset message about her motherĒ but really as an ex bf who tried to help her with that issue when they were a couple and got nowhere , why is he now expected to continue that support?
                    She needs to rely on her friends for that , not her ex bf. Why is she messaging him?

                    And that is just one example of how she is attempting to manipulate him.

                    He is not mistreating an ex by not responding to her when she wants him to. He is wise to keep that distance. Thatís what exes do .

                    She needs to realise that as an ex that is willing to remain ďfriendsĒ is a massive step down from from a ďpartnerĒ and to stop expecting too much,



                    Comment


                    • #25
                      Maggiemay4791
                      ​​​​​​​Did OP not clarify that the examples given in the first post were from when they were together? Please donít misunderstand me because I genuinely understand what youíre saying and yes these are not things you expect in a friendship but I replied under the impression that these things occurred when they were together. I also think you took a very tough approach which I was sketchy about but then again sometimes people need that kick up the back side to put them into action. Forgive me if I was a little confrontational with you, I apologise.

                      Whilst I do agree with you that yes there is no need to expect these things of a friend, and being friends with your ex is likely a terrible idea anyway, the way he has responded to her is still very cruel.

                      Definitely recommend that OP cuts this person off regardless. All Iím saying is that abusive people use push and pull techniques to get you hooked, and I donít blame people for struggling to transition into leaving these people behind. OP now just needs to cut contact completely IMO because they can never have a healthy relationship with this person.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Originally posted by Reese View Post
                        Maggiemay4791
                        ​​​​​​​Did OP not clarify that the examples given in the first post were from when they were together? Please donít misunderstand me because I genuinely understand what youíre saying and yes these are not things you expect in a friendship but I replied under the impression that these things occurred when they were together. I also think you took a very tough approach which I was sketchy about but then again sometimes people need that kick up the back side to put them into action. Forgive me if I was a little confrontational with you, I apologise.

                        Whilst I do agree with you that yes there is no need to expect these things of a friend, and being friends with your ex is likely a terrible idea anyway, the way he has responded to her is still very cruel.

                        Definitely recommend that OP cuts this person off regardless. All Iím saying is that abusive people use push and pull techniques to get you hooked, and I donít blame people for struggling to transition into leaving these people behind. OP now just needs to cut contact completely IMO because they can never have a healthy relationship with this person.
                        The text re her mother was after they had broken up.
                        He was happy to and apparently suggested they stay friends after breaking up.
                        That suggestion might have been to soften the blow of breaking up regardless of who initiated it.

                        However, his response to her getting angry at him for not responding to her text about an issue with her mother was simply to say there was nothing to respond to and that she should have known the outcome. Sounds to me like a broken record. Something he heard time and time again throughout their relationship and as an ex just didnít want to deal with the same shit over and over. And why should he?

                        I truly believe she is playing the victim , yet he is actually the victim here.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          There is nothing to be gained from this weird post-breakup friendship, where you talk regularly and still argue as if you are together. The sooner you draw a line under all this and move on, the better you will feel.


                          The real thing to notice is what you've said here:

                          Originally posted by tigerkitty View Post
                          I suppose I'm finding it hard to move on because he was also my best friend. I find it very hard to open up to people generally and my "close friends" who told me he was abusive amount to my cousin and one internet friend. I know I need to be more self-reliant and work on my own self-esteem before meeting someone else though.
                          You're absolutely right that you need get these things in line before you find someone else, otherwise you're destined for another shitty relationship. If you have these things in place then you'll have the strength and confidence to say that you deserve better than this crappy partner, and walk away. Without self-esteem and self-reliance you will more likely end up with a shitty partner.

                          Think about all the time you have poured into this shitty guy. Spend that time on yourself. Expand your social circle by trying out some new hobbies, sports or clubs (whatever you're interested in). Try reconnecting with some old friends or asking that cousin to take you out for drinks with her friends. All of this is very daunting if you're not naturally sociable, but expanding your friendship is a great way to help with self-esteem.



                          Originally posted by tigerkitty View Post
                          I'm just worried it won't happen in time. I'm 28 and not getting any younger!
                          Nonsense. There's many people on these forums alone who found the right partner later in life and are happier than they've ever been. Don't pressure yourself with self-imposed timelines.



                          Good luck!
                          Just because someone's by your side, it doesn't mean they're on your side.

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